Synopsis – a very silly story with no point. It's not meant to offend and I'm very very sorry if it does.

Lance Alvers couldn't believe what he had just heard. "You're—what?"

"You heard me," Todd replied simply. "You don't have to shout. It won't change anything."

"I just—what the—how long has this been going on for?"

"Who knows? You don't know what it's like, Lance. You lose track of time after a while."

"Yeah, but..." Lance glared at Todd. "You could have told me. I—what did you think I would have done?"

"What you're doing now," Todd answered solemnly. "Sit down, Lance. I knew this would be hard."

"Yeah, that's kind of an understatement," Lance said sarcastically, but sat down anyway. "What I want to know is—" he cut himself off midsentence as Todd started stroking his knee.

"It's all right, Lance," the younger boy said soothingly. "It's hard, but we have to help each other. Be strong."

"Oh..." Lance mumbled, his face turning red. "But you're making me uncomfortable."

"It's all about coming to terms," Todd said very quietly, and the stroking continued. "Meanwhile, I've asked—I've asked her to move in with us."

"What?!"

"And I've asked Summers as well. We both agreed that you would need someone to take your mind off of things. Scott is very good at things like that, you know. Did you know that he's a massotherapist on the side?"

"No...I don't think I needed to..."

"All the same, he's very specialized, you should see some of the stuff he can do, very good for the body, as well as the soul."

"Oh."

"And by the way, Pietro has decided to come out."

"Huh?"

"He's recently converted to a Zen monk, and he'll be traveling to Tibet to have his head shaved and to receive his orange toga. It's very exciting, I'm sorry we haven't told you, but you seemed so preoccupied..."

"Oh...I see," Lance managed.

"And Fred is moving out."

Lance couldn't even try to be surprised anymore. "Er...why?"

"Well, he's opening his own grassroots aerobics center. They'll be campaigning for peace while doing high-steps and wearing leg warmers. I think it's good for him."

"Ah."

"Meanwhile, I myself will be preoccupied with my new—relationship—and we're even hoping to have children. I was going to ask you to be my maid of honor...but if that would make you uncomfortable..."

"But I'm a man!"

Todd shook his head sadly. "That's what you think. But judging by your inability to get that Kitty Pryde to fuck you, it's incontestable. You are officially a woman, we'll just have to work on it. In the meantime, though, you should buy a more feminine swimsuit. We don't want anyone to think you're a cross-dresser."

"But...I..." Lance was thoroughly confused.

"I have also enlisted you in the Cult of Free Weed, Division: Pass the Joint. Can you imagine? Admission was only fifty cents!"

"Why?"

Todd ignored him, and continued stroking Lance's left knee. "They hold political rallies and march for the liberation of the Fern. Also, at the end of each year, they hold dance-offs. I thought I could get you into that bad little jumpsuit you always used to wear and do your special mambo. That is, if you're up to it...it's a difficult transition, dear. I'm here for you."

"This is—insane!" Lance shouted, finally jumping to his feet. "It's bad enough that you—you—you and Kitty have been sleeping together for who knows how long, and you signed me up for a cult, and Summers is gonna come live with us—"

"Oh, Lance, don't be dramatic. I swear, me and the cat have been very good, totally not promiscuous, we promised each other when we met to take things slow..."

"Her name is Kitty, not 'the cat.'" Lance said indignantly. "And she's still my girlfriend, so you can just...you better not have been fooling around."

"Kitty? Kitty Pryde?" Todd looked perplexed.

"No, Todd, the other one," Lance said, annoyed.

"Oh, good, because if you thought it was Kitty Pryde..." Todd looked relieved. "It would be a complete misunderstanding."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Kitty Pryde?"

"Meow!"

"Kitty Pryde?"

"Meow!"

"What's going on??"

"What do you mean?" Todd asked innocently, purring to himself.

"What other Kitty is there?"

"My fiancee?"

"Kitty is your fiancee?"

"No, the other one."

"Todd, now is not the time to be sarcastic."

"But Kitty is my fiancee!"

"But—"

"Lance, I love her!" Todd cried passionately. "And you will not stand in our way!"

"But is it my Kitty, or some other Kitty Pryde—"

Todd fixed Lance with a grave stare. "Each human is his own, and to each, henceforth, a new light in day. A dapple of crimson, a flourish of gold; alas, my heart is born through thine glowing love." He smiled sadly. "A wise man he is, Professor Xavier."

"Yeah..." Lance shivered. He wondered if he should have used that line on Kitty in the first place. No wonder the bald guy always looked so cocky...

"Oh, there she is!" Todd shouted dramatically, flinging out his arms and rushing for someone behind Lance. "Lance, meet the love of my life and my fiancee, Kitty!"

Lance spun his head to look, but just then Pietro ran into the room, wearing nothing but a pair of purple spankies.

"Pietro!" Lance cried, scandalized.

"Oh Lance, there's been a change of plans, the orange togas are on back order," Pietro explained hurriedly. "Meanwhile, I have to be spiritually cleansed and ready when they come in. Don't mind me, I'm trying to follow the Eightfold Path!"

"Let me help you," Todd said brightly. "Kitty, darling, you rest on the couch. I'll be right back." He leaped across the room and removed a brightly packaged box from a shelf. "Eightfold Path: the board game."

"Ooh!" Pietro squealed. "Todd, you didn't have to!"

"But I wanted to," Todd said wisely. "Have fun, and don't eat any of the small pieces. I know you get excited."

Lance shook his head and turned his head again to sneak a glance at Todd's fiancee, but he was distracted by a loud banging on the door.

"I'll get it!" Pietro shrieked, flouncing away. The back of his spankies read 'CHEER! ENLIGHTENMENT IS HERE!" with a picture of a Buddhist monk wielding a pair of pom poms on them. He opened the door, and Lance could hardly believe his eyes. There was Scott Summers. Lance's jaw dropped. It was practically sinful, Scott's attire...

to be continued...