Actions Speak Louder (Than Words)
DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters. Nor do I own any of the TV programmes/channels mentioned.
"I do, you know… I know I've never said it. But I want you to know – I need you to know, that I do."
Stood in the doorway of the flat's kitchen, Remus watched as Sirius unpacked the food. The Animagus looked up when he spoke and understanding cloudy grey eyes caught his. That annoyed Remus; it annoyed him that Sirius could be so understanding with him – that the other man could be so fucking patient with him.
It was a simple gesture with simple words that had set it off – those feelings of anguish within him. All Sirius had done was bring in Chinese takeaway, set the bags on the table and went into Remus' study. He'd then proceeded to give him a peck on the cheek and say 'Food, love'.
And that had been enough to set it off in Remus' mind. Enough to remind him of his inability to return such words. And it irritated him to no end. He knew he felt it, so why couldn't he just say it? It wasn't as if he lived a life without love around him. In fact, unlike Sirius' childhood, his had been filled with love. His parents and most of his family had repeatedly told him he was loved all throughout his childhood and teenage years.
If anything, Remus reasoned, Sirius should be the one with the problem. Except, he sort of was, Remus realised. Sirius didn't seem to be able to differentiate from 'loving' something and loving something. He didn't seem to be able to see the difference between just liking something a lot and actually feeling real love for it. Sirius threw the word around too much and that annoyed Remus too. It annoyed him that Sirius could say it so freely and not think of the implications or reasoning behind those stupid words.
"I know," Sirius replied simply before returning to his task of unpacking.
Remus stayed in the doorway and leaned against the frame, hands in his pockets to keep them from fidgeting. "No, Sirius. I mean it. I do."
"I know," Sirius repeated, not looking up as he moved the bag out of the way.
A small pause. "I'm sorry," he whispered guiltily, his eyes trained on Sirius.
Sirius still didn't look up. He didn't even look as though they were having this conversation for the thousandth time. "It's okay."
"Except it's not though," Remus countered, straightening up a little but still leaning against the frame. "It's not okay. I should be able to say it without…" He took a deep breath. He hated having that conversation but he couldn't help it. It was always him who started it too. "I should be able to say it. I should be able to tell you that I do. It shouldn't be so one-sided."
Sirius stopped his task and looked up at Remus. There, Remus could see, was that face. The one that Sirius wore whenever they had this conversation. The one that said 'I know, it's okay, please let's stop this talk before it goes too far'. Remus knew it tired Sirius out; that it exasperated him. It had the same effect on him, too. But he couldn't help it. He just wanted Sirius to know.
"Because I really do," Remus continued when Sirius said nothing and just stared back. "It's just... I have a hard time saying it. I don't know why, I just do."
Sirius let out a small sigh. "I know, Moony," he said finally. "You don't have to tell me; I know. I know you have trouble saying the words. And I understand. Really, I do. It's okay."
Remus stared back, watching Sirius unflinchingly. Sirius had an unfathomable amount of patience, Remus realised, to be able to put up with him and his problems for this long.
He frowned. He was supposed to be the kind, patient, caring one. It was just the way it was. It was how people saw them. If you were to ask anyone, they would most likely say that Remus had the patience of a saint and that Sirius was impulsive and hot-headed. They would say that Remus kept Sirius in check.
But they were wrong. They did not see what Remus got to see. They didn't see how much Sirius kept Remus in check too. They didn't see how caring and compassionate Sirius really was. They didn't see the amount of patience Sirius actually had. All they saw was the outbursts and hot-headedness that was Sirius Black. Only Remus really got to see the other side of him. The one he kept hidden from the world. The one where he wasn't just impulsive and brave, but he was stoic and smart, and kind and compassionate, and just bloody perfect.
"I'll be able to say it one day, you know," Remus said as Sirius began to put the food onto plates. He only noticed then that Sirius had gotten his favourite: House Special Chow Mein. It made him smile dumbly as he realised that Sirius never forgot anything about him. It had been quite a few months since they'd had Chinese food and Sirius was quite forgetful. But, when it came to him, the other man seemed to have an eidetic memory. While Sirius had a problem of differentiating between 'love' and love, Remus reckoned that Sirius truly did love him. "I will. I promise."
Sirius looked up and grinned. It was that type of grin that never failed to make those pesky butterflies in Remus' stomach flutter or make him smile back. It was enigmatic and charming and only for him.
"I know," Sirius replied. He started on his own food container.
Remus watched him for a long while before he finally spoke again. "I really am sorry," he said quietly, watching as Sirius paused in pouring their drinks.
Sirius sighed and put the bottle down. "Remus just..." He looked up and made sure that his eyes met and held Remus' gaze. "Shut up, okay?" he said sternly but with no real bite. It was more affectionately exasperated, if Remus had to describe it. "I know and I understand and I don't want you to feel the need to have to say those three little words back. Because I already know."
Sirius paused for a moment before he continued. "Look, Remus, people say it in different ways. It's not always 'I love you'. Sometimes it's 'eat up' or 'are you cold? Here, have my jacket'." He licked his lips before continuing, eyes never once leaving Remus. Often times, eye contact made Remus feel awkward and nervous. And, although he did feel a bit nervous and a lot awkward, he never looked away; never when Sirius made eye contact with him. He just couldn't. "I already know you love me because it's in the things you do."
Remus thought to ask what he meant but the question died on his lips as Sirius continued.
"Back in school," he began. "D'you remember in seventh year when you punched Rosier in the nose and broke it? All because he said something you didn't like?"
"He called you a…" Remus trailed off. He thought to defend himself about that incident but he couldn't, really. Rosier had called Sirius a 'fag' and said that he would 'bend over for just about anyone' and Remus had snapped. Not only was Sirius his best mate, but they were just becoming more then and he had just snapped. A week's worth of detention was worth it, he reckoned.
"Right," Sirius agreed, seemingly preferring not to go into detail about it either. "Well, when you go shopping, for example," he said. "You make sure to get those Muggle biscuits I like. You know; the ones that are just chocolate all over." He paused as he searched for the name.
"Chocolate Bourbons?" Remus supplied.
"Yes," Sirius grinned, making an excited, animated hand movement. "Those ones. Or when you tidy the flat; always making sure that not every aspect of my life's a complete mess. And when you cook dinner. Despite being an average cook, you try." He paused briefly as he took a small sip of one of the glasses before picking up the bottle again and finishing pouring the rest of the drink in.
"Or last week," he continued, putting the bottle down and screwing the lid back on. Remus briefly wondered how Sirius could do all of this without looking. "When we went to the field outside Prongs' house to go see the fireworks on Bonfire Night. And I got cold because I ignored your advice to take some gloves or a scarf. Do you remember what you did?" he asked, moving away from the kitchen top bench and towards Remus.
Remus frowned slightly and shook his head. He couldn't remember having done anything different to what normal people do in these instances. He hadn't really thought all that much into them before, truth be told. He tried to remember what it was that he had done different on Bonfire Night, but he couldn't.
"You brought an extra pair of gloves with you," Sirius reminded gently, stood only about a foot away from Remus now and still staring into his eyes intently. Remus thought it was odd; he'd been this close – even closer – to Sirius before. But, this felt different. He didn't know how exactly but he knew it was. "And you gave me your scarf."
"Well, I would've done that anyway," Remus replied honestly. Because he would have. Even if they were just friends, he was sure he would have done that.
"Right," Sirius agreed. "But you wouldn't have done it all with that look in your eye."
Remus frowned and smiled a little perplexedly. Sirius, he thought, wasn't making much sense at all. "What look?" he asked, unable to keep the odd bit of shaky laughter out of his voice.
Sirius raised his hand and pointed at his right eye. "That one," he said simply. Remus' frown deepened as he tried to decipher Sirius' words. "The one that told me all I needed to know. You've had it in your eye since seventh year," he explained breezily. "Since just after we got together."
Remus' frown dissipated as he wondered what 'that look' was. Maybe it was the same one he often saw in Sirius' eyes? He watched as Sirius leant forward a little; sure he was about to kiss him, Remus ducked his head a bit and leant forward too. But, Sirius didn't kiss him. Instead, the Animagus smiled mischievously, moved away swiftly over to the little kitchen island and picked up a glass and Remus' plate before handing them to the lycanthrope. Remus took them, a little confused at the odd mixture of signals and messages Sirius was sending, and stood still in the doorway.
"I love you, Remus," Sirius admitted, for the umpteenth time since they got together. "And I don't need you to say it back for me to know you feel the same way, okay?" He stared at Remus for a long while and Remus wondered if he was supposed to answer what seemed to be a rhetorical question. "Okay?" he asked again, eyebrows raised expectantly, showing Remus that, yes, he did want an actual answer.
Remus nodded quickly. "Okay," he replied.
Sirius' smile widened into a satisfied grin. "Good," he said simply before he leant forward quickly, surprising Remus and giving the lycanthrope a chaste but lingering kiss.
It was tender and sweet and it was not meant to be anything more than a reaffirmation of his words. Remus felt, in a sickeningly sweet way, that his insides melted and turned to mush. He inwardly vowed never to let anyone hear that. Sirius could make him feel extremely sappy when he wanted, Remus realised. He fought to keep control, making sure to keep leaning against the doorframe – as to avoid his suddenly weakened knees from concaving in – and not to drop the plate or glass.
Sirius pulled away and smiled – almost shyly, Remus thought; but Sirius didn't get shy – before he went and picked up his own plate and glass.
"C'mon then," Sirius said chirpily as he passed Remus and made his way into the living room.
Remus waited a couple of seconds to gather his bearings before he followed and sat down next to Sirius on the couch in front of the TV.
It felt strangely domestic – as it should, Remus thought absently – as he watched Sirius put his plate and glass down on the small coffee table and grab a couple of cushions off the nearby armchair. He then placed one of the cushions on Remus' knees, for his plate, and plonked himself down on the couch next to the lycanthrope, repeating the action with the cushion for himself. They usually ate at the kitchen table but due to circumstances of some recent events that took place on it (they had sex), it had become unstable.
Sirius took Remus' glass and put on the table as he picked up his own plate and the TV remote. Remus waited for a moment, watching as Sirius stubbornly tried to work the TV remote out. Eventually, he gave up and handed the remote control over to Remus. Sirius, despite being the owner of the TV, didn't have a clue how to work it. Remus knew he'd tried to learn, but whenever he made some progress, the next day it just seemed to be forgotten.
Remus turned the TV on and began looking through the TV Guide while Sirius sat back and began munching on his Chicken Curry with Fried Rice.
"What d'you want to watch?" Remus questioned as he surfed through the channels, seeing nothing that took his fancy. "'Hi-de-Hi!'?" He looked over as Sirius shook his head. Remus continued channel surfing. "Blankety Blank?"
"Nah," Sirius mumbled. "Wait, what time is it?"
Remus checked his watch. "Nearly seven," he answered. He looked over at Sirius questioningly to see the other man smiling. "Why?" he asked warily.
"Emmerdale'll be on," Sirius replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. He grinned as Remus sighed. If he were to be honest, he had seen that it was about to come on. That was why he flicked to the next channel as quick as possible.
"Really?" he questioned sceptically, looking at Sirius with undisguised judgement.
"Hey, I don't question your TV preferences, do I?" Sirius retorted before stuffing a chip into his mouth. "You made me watch that thing with the man who went around in a blue box," he pointed out. "And did I complain?"
No, Remus realised. Sirius did not question watching Doctor Who. Nor did he complain through it like he had when they had been in school. Remus sighed. "Fine," he lamented.
"Get it on, then," Sirius grinned happily, turning his attention back to the TV and continuing on eating his food.
Remus heaved one last sigh before he flicked over to ITV for Emmerdale Farm. He inwardly cursed the Potters – both of them, despite knowing that James was in the same boat as him, what with Lily being obsessed with the show too. But, it was his wife who had introduced Sirius to the damn show, so thereby, it was his fault too, Remus reasoned.
Damn Lily Evans Potter for introducing Sirius to the stupid show. Remus couldn't see the appeal, really. He wasn't quite sure how or why Sirius loved that show so much! A bunch of Muggles with Muggle problems hardly seemed like good TV to him, but Sirius liked to watch it. No, Sirius 'loved' to watch it. And Remus didn't deny him the chance. He couldn't. Because it was Sirius and it was Sirius' TV after all.
As the title sequence started, Remus prepared himself for 25 minutes of boredom and overacting. He suddenly realised, though, that it must be things like that – like sitting through a show he absolutely abhorred – that showed Sirius that he loved him.
Sirius knew of his intense dislike for Emmerdale Farm. Ever since Sirius had started watching the show, Remus had grumbled about it. He wouldn't watch it and instead he would read or, sometimes, leave the room to do something more interesting. He'd made his disdain for the show known only a couple of weeks before when he and James had argued against Lily and Sirius in the pub about it.
James and Remus had teamed up to outline all of its faults ('it's unrealistic' and 'absolute shite'), while Sirius and Lily had teamed up and listed all of the advantages ('it's not shite, it's amazing' and 'it helps a lot of people in the same situations'). He and James had no chance in winning, they knew, since both Lily and Sirius were loud and outspoken. But they still tried. In the end, Peter had made them agree to disagree and had changed the topic.
So, Remus realised that it must be things like sitting through 25 minutes of terribleness, that made Sirius know. The whole 'actions speak louder than words' thing applied to them, he supposed. But, he thought, while Sirius knew he loved him a great amount, he was determined to actually say the words one day. Maybe not now, but some day he would. He would tell Sirius that he loved him. For now, though, actions would have to do.
Hope you liked it! Thanks for reading! =)
Written: November, 2016
Edited: December, 2016