Spencer Reid pretty much has seen and lived through it all and how he remained sane through it all is a mystery to many people but today was the day all of that would come back to haunt him. Today started out like any other day for Reid. He woke up at 6:15 quickly changed into a pristine white shirt with a blue button up over it and some beige khakis. He grabbed a stale blueberry Muffin on his way to get his fix of sweet overpriced Coffee from the nearby coffee shop where everyone knew him by name.
"Hey, Kid! you ready?" Morgan shouted out to Reid as he stepped out the shop with a coffee and a half-eaten muffin in hand. Spencer was carpooling with Morgan to work because of his car's unfortunate break down. Not that Reid was particularly fond of driving anyway. They hopped into Morgan's SUV and drove in peaceful silence until Spencer's phone started blaring. "Where? … ok, we will be there in ten minutes especially since Morgan likes to Vibe it" Spencer quips with a slight smile regarding a past memory. "Case?" Morgan asks knowingly. "Yeah, pretty urgent to" Spencer responds blankly staring out the window. Morgan notices his mood, of course, being a great profiler and well practically brothers so he tries to start up a conversation. "Hey uh how have you been lately?" he asks trying not to hint at his concern.
How have I been Reid thought well let's see honestly, he didn't know how to answer that simple question. Although it's been a while he'd been down lately, feeling empty and alone as the team began moving on and living their lives but, for some reason it felt as if he was stuck in the past and just couldn't get past it all. seeing all them finding their special someone and spending more time away only seemed to help fill that lonely void with emptiness. Noticing Reid's silence and uneasiness as he shifted in his seat Morgan decided to change the topic and starts joking about the elevator incident and while Reid doesn't find it as funny as Morgan he smiles as memories of the good times they've shared come back to him. At that moment, he was reminded that he wasn't alone only for the moment to be interrupted by a crash, bang and then nothing… all his previous thoughts suddenly fading as he slowly slipped out of consciousness.
Now instead of imaging the dark void of emptiness he could fill it and without any idea where he was, he was left with only his mind. Quite possibly the most dangerous and cruel punishment of them all. His insecurities picking at his character and personality every second he was here wherever that was. All the sudden he hears a voice just an echo of a small whisper but still a voice all the same. Spencer couldn't quite make out who or where it was coming from Until all the sudden it screeched out in a low strained voice calling his name "Spence?". Relief immediately washed over him and then like a bullet he was hit with instant fear as he tries to turn to the voice he realizes he can't get to her as if something was holding him back. Already in panic, he tries to reach out to her but as he realizes he hasn't moved a bit he begins to comprehend the reality of the situation. As if on cue he hears the beeping of dozens of machines blaring in his ears. "This is all my fault…I…I can't believe this it had to happen to him it's…" Morgan choked out before being interrupted by JJ saying "Morgan there was a drunk driver there was nothing you could have done" barely above a whisper. "I just wish it hadn't been him I mean he's already been through so much heartbreak and now this it's…its. I don't know" she utters with a sad chuckle. Heartbreak yeah Spencer knew that all too well and of course he knew his college was referring to no other than a certain geneticist. Maeve Donovan.
The one-woman Spencer ever truly had given his heart to. The one woman who understood him. The one woman who shared an undeniable and unbelievably strong connection with. The one woman whom he shared his past childhood memories and nightmares with. The one woman who stole his heart and in return was truly and unconditionally in love with as he was her. But of course, like all good things in life, his life anyway had to come to an end. leaving him utterly empty, sad, alone, and above all heartbroken. Surely The worst pain is to have felt love only to have it blown away in the blink of an eye.
"Spence, we are here for you," JJ whispers barely loud enough for him to hear but effectively pulling him out of his trance. That voice boy, was he glad to hear it just as he was so long ago for the first time. Or maybe the worst pain is rather to have had feeling but to have gone unnoticed and unrequited. But of course, these weren't feelings of true love for his co-worker no, more of a brief infatuation, but no matter how brief they were still feelings all the same. Feelings of one-sided indifference is a harsh reality but a reality nonetheless. Upon the realization of the reality doesn't make the feelings hurt any less or more unreal. Naturally, she slipped away and decided on her own happiness with someone else. Surely this must be the worst pain, right?
Or could it quite possibly be feelings deep within your own mind? IQ of 187, able to read 20,000 words per minute, and far too many Ba's and Masters for such a young age if you asked well anyone for that matter. But this insufferable knowledge was a gift, right? Since when was knowledge a bad thing well as far as Spencer's concerned it has always been both his saving grace and his greatest downfall. If it was to be his gift, then how come it always seems to be the cause of much ridicule and mockery. Thinking back on this was his newfound kinship with the one he looked up to as a brother just a repeat of his childhood woes. Maybe the worst pain is the fear of having something meaningful only to lose it and be left alone and forgotten once again.
Surely knowledge isn't the best gift then perhaps the best gift is to have felt. Which is why in the end Spencer never once regretted picking up the phone on that fateful day for if he hadn't he wouldn't have ever known how it felt to be in love. So, he Never felt grief or sorrow over how the never top "secret date" went, for if it wasn't for the indifference he'd never would have the inseparable friendship and two special bundles of joy who he has sworn he'd protect and love no matter what. He would never have felt the brotherly bond of a counterpart and best friend, all the shared jokes and slight ridicule the latter mostly on his part. Never felt what it meant to have a father figure who has been there in desperate times and had left him wiser than he's ever been IQ aside. Won't contrite the many passing faces no matter how insignificant time they had with him because they all mattered and made a difference for that he will always look upon their memories with utter respect and admiration. So, Spencer never once regret, felt overwhelmed maybe but never once regretted knowing and loving these people who will always be dear in his heart.
Looking upon this with great contemplation Spencer then realizes if I am to die here today at least I can say I have truly lived. Because There isn't one person who goes through life and not truly felt pain, loss, and love. Spencer has lived in all senses of the word seen pain, lived through loss, and heartbreak but in turn has felt love, joy, and passion. To not have felt is to not have lived at all. So, if this was to be his untimely passing what better way to go then to go knowing you mattered and were truly loved. For today, may not be that day but when the day comes Spencer Reid will have truly lived.