Sayonara Wormmon... ~Kage no Sekai~

About this Story:

Hi, it's me again, melody-chan. This story was taken mainly from Ep 23, Genesis of Evil. Apparently Ken's defeat gave me the inspiration. I know Chibi_Pikagirl also did the same thing but this fic is guaranteed to be different from 'A Disease Called Hate'.

This story is about Ken's thought on his past actions and doings. It also talks about his reflection on himself. I mean, he used to hate everyone, including Wormmon, ne? Good.

And if you are wondering, this is what the title means. 'Sayonara Wormmon' means 'Goodbye Wormmon'. I took it partly from Ep. 21's Japanese title, ' Sayonara Ken-chan...' and changed it. Next, 'Kage no Sekai' means 'The Shadow's World'. 'Kage' means Shadow and 'Sekai' means World. Okay? I took this title as what Ken felt about himself as living in a world of shadows. And also partly because Genesis of Evil is probably the most 'shadowy' episode in 02. *winks*

Notes:

Okay. Another convenience to the North American fans: All names will be in English. But not much significant difference anyway, right? Only Sam's name will be changed. ^_^

There may be a sequel written in someone else's point of view. Like maybe Mrs Ichijouji or anyone else. But I have quite a number of fics on my hands so that'll have to wait a while. _

Lastly, there is some hints of Kenyako in this fic. I didn't really think of putting Hikari in this fic. You see, Yolei forgived Ken before she did. ^_~

Oh yes, this fic will be written in Ken's own point of view, not mine. All comments, flames, reviews, reports and stuff goes to bubbly_dreamz@lycosasia.com. No junk, though.

Dedications:

To Chibi_Pikagirl, maybe? Well, it's dedicated to her, my couz, tulip_pearl, yellowdaisies99 and all those fans of Ichijouji Ken out there. *giggles*

And maybe to Pan-chan of LELOLA.com and those Kenyako fans out there.

There was this boy in this particular park. He had a ball and he was bouncing it very hard. The ball bounced too high and landed on a tree. The boy couldn't get the ball down and started crying. The boy's mother immediately came running to console her son. She gave him another ball and told him that he could play with that too. But the boy insisted on having the same, old ball. The mother then fetched a ladder and got the ball down for the boy. The mother sprained her ankle while coming down the tree, but she didn't seem to mind. Somehow, the boy's smile seemed to make her happy too.

It was probably something that I couldn't understand.

And the boy played with ball happily and the mother played 'catch' with him. No, it wasn't a dream. It was reality. The boy fell down while trying to catch the ball, and the mother cleaned his wound and told him that everything was going to be okay.

"Why can't I have parents like that? Why do I have to put up with those pressure and demands? Why? Just because they're my parents?"

I used to ask myself what I am, what I wanted to be.

Then the mother played a hide and seek with the boy. Time seemed to hover around. The boy didn't seem to have anything on his mind. His life was as carefree as a fish swimming through the lakes.. No, a fish isn't carefree. It is restricted by the waters of the lake. And also restricted by its life. It's just a fish. Fish are probably useless, they just swim around waiting to be eaten by other animals.

"Wait a minute, what happened? Ken, please! Please stop thinking that way! Can't you stop hating and start caring?"

Why can't I just stop hating?

Staying human isn't easy, is it? Especially if the one closest to you meets every single demand in the world. Sam. Yes, Sam met every expectation Mom and Dad gave. In their eyes he was perfect. In their minds only he existed, and not me. And if staying human is so difficult, I guess I shouldn't stay that way.

The boy was still playing with his mother, and she told him to play by his own. She soon walked away, further and further she went away from the boy.. Until the boy was left alone playing with the rubber ball. The boy wasn't anything like me. He didn't have any worries, and certainly he was so innocent that nothing fearful occured to him at that moment.

"The world is such a miserable place, where you'd be left alone with no one to care for you. Oh God, why was I born? Why is life so bitter? If that is the reason why we live, why create life in the first place? Then all this suffering will be gone.."

I tried to stop halfway. But I decided I couldn't. I tried so much to be like Sam that I wasn't myself anymore. I wasn't Ken, I was trying to be another Sam.

"When you grow up, everyone pushes you to be better. Even if you give everything that you've got, it's still not good enough. Nothing in this world is perfect. So why push? Forget about perfection then. Aim for improvement instead."

"Improvement"? What is there to improve? Improve on my hatred? Or should I just stay still. Ahead of me lies a junction. And I don't know what is ahead of me. Should I just stay still or to move on? I don't know.

"I can't believe myself. What happened? What is on my hands anyway? It's stained with so much fear and agony. I tried to enslave those kind and good digimons, I made a boy choose between his friends and life, and humiliated him so much for the slightest reason. I killed my own brother.. My only true friend...."

I used to wonder if there was such a thing as freedom in this universe. Even if there is, it wouldn't be me.

The boy was still bouncing the ball, and he threw it too far. The ball landed in front of me.

"Is this your ball?" I asked.
"Yes! Thank you!" The boy replied.

I wondered whatever made me give the ball back to him. As I looked back at him playing with the ball, I asked myself what happened. I know I wouldn't give the ball back in the past.. So what happened? What went wrong?

"That's the crest of kindness, Ken.."
"Kindness? But I'm anything but kind...."

Is this crest really mine? I couldn't believe it. Davis deserves his digimental of kindness and friendship. Cody is both reliable and wise. Yolei is truly sincere at times and loving, I must say. Kari and TK both have the perfect crests. But me?

After leafmon welcomed me, I hated myself even more. It all concludes it: I hate myself. Everyone hates me. When Davis told me to go home and face my parents, he hated me. That look that Yolei gave me says it all, she hates me too. Kari criticised the way I used to treat Wormmon and TK hated the way I was playing around with the power of darkness. Cody should hate me to the core by now, he hates anything that's evil. And as for me, I hate myself even more. All this hatred is making everyone unhappy.

And I started this mess.

"I am a digidestined. I have a digivice and a crest. But I wonder sometimes, do I really have the right to be a digidestined?"

I made the lives of hundreds of digimon miserable, especially Wormmon's. Yet, he never blamed me at all. He believed in me all this while. He never uttered a noise when I shouted or screamed at him for nothing. He never asked anything from me at all.

"Get a hold on yourself, Ken. Wormmon is your partner, not your slave.."

I don't have the courage to face my parents, neither do I have the courage to face Davis and the others. And I don't have the right to face Wormmon.

I have been living in a world of darkness and shadow all these years. All that happened to me was just like a dream, and I never knew what I had been thinking. Sam.. Sam never did anything wrong. And why did I wanted him to die?

And I watched silently as Wormmon died. How I wanted to say 'goodbye' to him. I felt as if I had lost Sam again. Why, why do I have to watch my loved ones leave helplessly? Life is so fragile. A wish can just make it go. It can just come and go anytime, anywhere.

After I became the Digimon Emperor, I'd thought I would find hapiness. I was wrong. Terribly wrong. All I found was darkness, pain, agony, hatred, and the shadow that enveloped me. I lost my parents, friends, Sam and Wormmon. But he was innocent! He did nothing wrong. Why did he have to die?

"Ken, are you there?"

That voice seemed somehow familiar. I looked back and saw Yolei standing a few steps behind me.

"What? Why are you staring at me like that? You know, I was just taking a stroll in the park and I saw you back there.. Are you all right?"

I'd never thought that Yolei would speak to me. I mean, she is a digidestined, after all. And they should hate me, after all those things I did.

"Oh, hi. You live nearby, right?"

I didn't really know what to say to her. Especially if you've been doing stuff that made her hate you. I wasn't sure about how she was feeling, but I'm sure I would sound like an idiot to her.

"Yeah, I live nearby. Are you--having a stroll too?"
"Er.. Um.. Yes."
"You sure sound different today. I was thinking if it would seem weird for me to call on you."
"Weird? What do you mean?"
"You know, I was thinking if we could be friends. When I first got to know you, I thought you were a nice guy. That is, before I knew you were the Digimon Emperor."
"Friends?"
"Yep, friends. Um, you don't mind that, do you? You might still hate me, but I don't really care. I hate Davis and I think he hates me too. But we could be friends."

Yolei was stuttering a little. But I was puzzled. Hate? Nice? Friends? Why would I hate her in the first place? She should be the one hating me, and not me hating her. I was hoping she wasn't suffering from amnesia. She couldn't have forgotten what happened 8 days ago so easily.

"Anyway, you don't hate me, do you? The others may still blame you but I don't! I really don't. You want to go with me to meet the others? They also live around this area. It won't hurt to try, will it?"
"Yolei, I am the Digimon Emperor, after all. You should be hating me to the core right now, shouldn't you?"

She looked at me in the face and said, "Maybe. But after much thinking, I decided that what's past is past. And you didn't really want to choose this path, did you?"

I looked at her again and said, "I guess you're right. But maybe another day. My mother's waiting for me to go back and have lunch."

"In that case, I shan't hold you up then."

As Yolei left, the boy was still bouncing the ball, and I sat there, watching him.

~The End~