I've been away for a while due to family issues, if you really want to know, message me, I don't mind talking about it. the fist half with a few small changes is something taken from personal life.

disclaimer: With the exception of the words, I don't own anything.

Lying

I hate lying to you, you know. It makes me feel like a horrible person. It's just…time has passed and I've… I'm not the same as I used to be. I'm not the same person as I was all those years ago.

It's been six years. Six years of pretending. I swear to you though, I'm NOT lying when I say it's not your fault. It's not even MY fault. I don't know who's to blame any more to be honest. I just know it can't keep going on.

Do you realize that I'm now four years older than you ever got to be? Do you realize that you're now an uncle? Did you even know that I got married? I… there was an empty seat with your name on it.

I think you would have liked her. You knew her well enough. Now, now she's older and pregnant for the first time. If it's a boy, we're going to name him after you. If it's a girl, we want to name her after Mum.

I work at the Ministry now, like you always wanted me to. It's not the same without you. I think you'll laugh at me when I say this, but, I think you should know that…I'm standing here acting like… like I'm just visiting you for the first time in a while. But actually, I was here just last week. Harry even came with me to say hello. Heh…I really wish that you were here right now. I really wish that you had just listened when Professor McGonnagall told you to go. You've missed out on so much.

Did…did you know you were going to die? Did it hurt?

Dammit!

WHY didn't you just LISTEN? This is why I'm here, now. Because it's been six long ass FUCKING years without you and I'm finally allowed to be angry with you! I'm finally old enough not to worship the ground you once walked on to realize that it really is ALL YOUR FAULT that I don't have a brother anymore!

I'm done lying to you. I'm done with making myself feel bad and I'm done with all the damn tippy-toeing around and acting like I'm still sad that you're gone. Don't get me wrong: I still miss you like hell but it's been ten freaking years and I'm an adult now.

I guess that was just one more lie to add to my arsenal. I mean…I still don't know what killed you; I still don't know who it was and I STILL don't know what you were thinking! Why couldn't you have just…I don't know…NOT gotten yourself killed when you were sixteen years old? Maybe it is your fault after all that I'm angry with you but, I can't make myself blame you for being brave, for…wanting to help. I guess I'm sorry I yelled.

There isn't much else that I can really say; I mean…you can't actually hear me can you? That was one thing I never got. Why do people act like you can hear them? You missed me becoming a teenager. You missed my first experiences with girls. You missed me growing up, Colin. I even made it on the Quidditch team in sixth year- you would have been proud of me.

Maybe in another few years when I have kids I'll figure out why everything sucks so much, but right now, Colin, I'm really just trying to continue. I'll be back next week unless Lavender has the baby. And just so you know-

I'm done lying. I miss you. I love you. And I really am sorry.

I hope you enjoyed it. please review if you will

Aliey