Title :: Kakashi and Gai's Monster Movie Madness
Rating :: PG
Summary :: Gai and Kakashi's monster movie marathon yields some cracky misadventures. Inspired by seeing KR at the start of a crossword puzzle hint: "Movie monster, six spaces"
Kakashi and Gai were on the loose. Iruka didn't know what was going on and he was fairly certain he didn't want to stay around to find out.
The day had started out normally enough. He'd gotten up at dawn, done the laundry and hung it on the line to dry, then headed out to the market for some grocery shopping. It was then that things had taken a turn for the strange. Obviously Umino Iruka's Market Day was the date that the Konoha Ninja Sanitarium and Insane Asylum held its monthly Free Day for inmates. That was the only explanation for what the infamous Copy Nin and Magnificent Green Beast of Konoha were currently doing.
Iruka could only stand by the vegetable stand across the street and stare as Gai popped his head over the roof across the street and hung his head over the edge to address Kakashi. He seemed to be wearing a pair of baggy pyjamas decorated with sparkly green tortoises wearing orange legwarmers. Kakashi, likewise, was in pyjamas, though his were slightly less insanely decorated with shuriken. Apparently green was a very popular colour in Jounin sleepwear.
"My Eternal Rival, I Have Brought The―"
"Shh Shh SHHHHHHH" Kakashi cut Gai off with a rather loud shushing noise, eye comically goggled, finger over his mouth or where his mouth would normally be minus the mask. "Not so loud! It's supposed to be a S-E-C-R-E-T!" That whisper was none too quiet either.
Kakashi crouched over a barrel filled with water humming some kind of stomach-wrenchingly anticipatory song that strangely reminded Iruka of Kisame and his sharky grin. "Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun…." Then he drew a kunai and made a slashing motion so fast it didn't register, then leapt away to land on the roof that had previously sheltered the barrel, shouting triumphantly as it split into five parts, water gushing out in a torrent, squid and octopus spilling on the ground and ready to do their worst.
"RELEASE THE KRAKEN," he screeched in a disturbingly UN-Kakashi-like voice.
The scene only became more ludicrous when Gai appeared in the street and started flinging toothpicks at the squishy invertebrates yelling something about defeating the Leviathans of Hades.
Maybe he'd just been in the sun too long or needed a vacation. Iruka looked around at the other visibly startled bystanders and one fuming fishmonger. Scratch that. They all needed a vacation. Maybe he could talk Tsunade-sama into establishing a "No Kakashi and Gai Festival". He was sure it would be quite popular. They could even expand it to be a multi-village affair. He was less sure how the idea of leaving the village in the hands of the Gruesome Twosome would go over. Not too well he was assuming, considering the looks on the faces of the people around him. He sighed, shoulders slumping. Well, it was a thought anyway.
He thought for a moment that he could pretend not to know the two buffoons, but the heavy feeling of violent killing intent radiating from all around him told him that the villagers would not be so quiescent about that decision. He sighed, dragging a hand over his face. Was purchasing sustenance for himself such a bad thing? Really?
"Kakashi-sensei! Gai-sensei!" Iruka waved as perkily as he could, jogging across the street to stop the cephalopod massacre.
"Stay back!" Kakashi leapt in front of Iruka just as a particularly lively octopus used its siphon to launch itself off the ground. Of course, being a fish out of water, the octopus didn't get too far. It slapped against Kakashi's knee before falling limply to the ground, staring upwards balefully with huge eyes. Kakashi was immune to its fishy pleas.
Gai praised the Speed, Ingenuity, and Overall Magnificence that was his Eternal Rival as he continued to spear the squishy creatures. Next to him the fishmonger had started to bat at him with a broom yelling that they had to pay for the fish and to stop attacking his merchandise. Gai paid him no heed and kept flinging toothpicks that he'd started making from the remnants of the barrel while yelling something about Evil Krakens and the Safety of the Beautiful Citizens of Konoha.
Yes. Iruka was now certain that someone out there planned aggravating events specifically to ruin his day off.
He pushed Kakashi's arm down and spun him around to yell, then paused. Kakashi's hitai-ate was more askew than normal and his exposed eye was a little wild and glassy looking. Looking at Gai, Iruka could see that his eyes were also a little wilder and more glassy than normal. Had they been poisoned? If they had escaped from the hospital it would explain why they were in their pyjamas, though he knew they shouldn't have had any missions lately.
Iruka pushed down those thoughts for the moment and rushed forward to grab at Gai's arm as well.
"You two, stay here. Don't move." He commanded as firmly as he could, briefly debating if he should tie them up. No, they'd probably break out anyway and he didn't want to waste supplies.
The two Jounin stood in the middle of the street looking a little lost and entirely suspicious of the sea life that was busy trying to make an escape down the road. Iruka and the fishmonger ran around scooping up squid and octopus and tossing them in another barrel. They then had to fish out said squid and octopus when the lobsters and crabs in that barrel started an underwater battle with them. Damn that fishmonger and his inability to label barrels properly.
The squishy bodies of the cephalopods had luckily absorbed the impact of most of the toothpicks, leaving them miffed but unharmed. Obviously the Magnificent Green Beast of Konoha was a little off his game today. Normally there'd be enough takoyaki and dried rolled ika to open a snack stand by now. Iruka was thankful for that small grace, though he still had to pay for the destroyed barrel.
He turned back to the two pouting Jounin, casting them a Sensei Evil Eye™. People of any age, it seemed, responded to the Sensei Evil Eye™ because Kakashi and Gai stopped scuffing their bare toes in the dirt and started to shiver and cling to each other's shirt sleeves.
Iruka crossed his arms and huffed as he tapped a toe in annoyance. He would not be able to go shopping today. He now smelled like ocean and fish. He was damp and embarrassed. He also had two over-powered Jounin whimpering and barefoot in the middle of the Market. This was so not his day.
"Would you mind telling me what's going on? Where did you two escape from? And is Tsunade-sama going to come rampaging down the street?"
Kakashi, ever the brave―if slightly stupid―one piped up at that.
"Oh no. Tsunade-baa-baa shouldn't find out that we replaced her sake with apple juice and sugar water for at least another hour. You should be safe!"
"Yes, It Is The Tremendous Inuzuka Tsume That You Should Watch Out For. We Marked The Inuzuka Compound With Youthful Canine Pheromones Yesterday," Gai added helpfully.
"Shhh! That was a secret!" Kakashi hissed uselessly while flailing his arms at Gai.
"Oops." Gai didn't look terribly sorry, but then again, he never looked sorry for anything.
Iruka paused in the middle of raising his hand to rub at his forehead in frustration when he heard an outraged howl in the distance. His eyes widened and flew to the still-glassed over and slightly terrified ones of Kakashi and Gai.
"Save us!" The delinquent jounin were by Iruka's side in a flash, on their knees in the dirt and clutching at his pant legs.
"Get off me!" Iruka didn't want to be handicapped in ANY way. He'd need any advantage he could get in escaping the feral kunoichi.
"We had to, you see. The full moon is coming up and―"
Iruka couldn't see where Kakashi was going with his excuse. If he thought that was bad, Gai was worse.
"And we had to stuff all the Nefarious Owls in the Forest of Death into trees because they're Baseless Minions of the Malevolent Lord of the Underworld." Gai had toned down his speech until the caps locks were minimal at best. Apparently even his infamous energy levels had started to drop.
"I stuffed 973, Gai only managed 972 before we ran out of owls," Kakashi butted in with breathless excitement.
"What? I don't―"
"And we spent all night gathering mirrors, I gathered 2,554 and Gai―"
"―to protect ourselves from the Vicious Gorgons that would seek to―"
"Yes, yes. Gorgons. And there were the Anti-Undead no Jutsu we had to break into Hokage's Tower to look for. And then we had to make sure Tsunade wasn't drinking a personality-changing potion―"
"But sadly our Beloved Konoha is woefully under-prepared for an attack by the Dead! We felt the need to rectify this situation by―"
"ANBU! They'll be coming too! We had to sew sequins on Ibiki's coats to protect him too! I sewed 50,263 and―"
"ENOUGH!" Iruka could feel a headache coming on.
"Enough, okay?" He rubbed at the bridge of his nose. He could hear the outraged howls of one very angry Inuzuka coming ever closer.
"We all want to live, right? So let's just forget the excuses for now and get the HELL out of here!" With that, he formed hand signs and poofed out of existence just as Tsume launched herself from a roof three streets away and landed where they had just been standing, snarling like a feral bitch. Kuromaru landed beside her looking fairly disgruntled himself.
Iruka stumbled slightly as they rematerialized. Kakashi had somehow managed to take over the teleportation just before they'd disappeared, moulding their chakra to direct them to a destination only he knew. Well, he and Gai apparently if the way Gai had flung himself over the couch and started scrambling for something was any indication.
Kakashi had stopped clinging and sat on the ground at Iruka's feet, fingers tugging gently at his pants, looking up with the biggest doe eye Iruka had ever seen. He felt his heart give a rather solid thump and his insides do a melting gelatin dance. Then he sighed. How could he stay mad at that face?
Kakashi, knowing he'd won, gave a high pitched squeal and wrapped his arms around Iruka's leg again, nuzzling it joyously. Behind him, Gai had managed to put a pot on his head and don some sort of armour made out of mirrors. In his hand, he clutched a rubber chicken that he was busy waving at Iruka.
"Quickly, Eternal Rival! We must prepare ourselves and fortify the Fortress of Solitude!"
Kakashi released Iruka's leg and rose gracefully, shyly grasping his hand and tugging him towards the couch. Iruka blinked as he looked around rather dumbly, ignoring the heat that was threatening his cheeks at Kakashi's touch. He was in a house. He was not in Gai's house, he assumed, considering the picture of Team 7 on the windowsill next to a green shuriken-patterned bed sheet. He realized that it matched Kakashi's pyjamas. Dimly he wondered if Kakashi shopped at the same place where Iruka had bought Naruto a matching ramen-covered pyjama/sheet set.
Iruka toed off his sandals and went along with Kakashi's insistent tugging as they crossed the room. He almost stumbled again when he saw what Gai was crouched next to on the other side of the couch. There was a giant stuffed sparkly green tortoise complete with bright orange leg warmers. Next to that were empty cartons of ice cream and Pocky boxes. The thing that really sparked his suspicion were the stacks of DVD cases that covered the floor.
He stood, staring dumbly as Kakashi tugged him to sit with them on the ground.
"What on earth…." Iruka shifted to one side as he almost sat on a DVD case. He held it up and looked at the title on it for a few moments, then another. "Kurashu ub za Taitanzu? Za Heeruzu Hab Aizu? Wurufu Maan? What is this?"
Kakashi had the grace to look abashed. He rubbed at the back of his head with the hand still not holding Iruka's and chuckled nervously.
"Eh, heh heh heh, well… You see… It started with an ice cream and Pocky eating contest. I won―"
"My Eternal Rival and I have been put on enforced leave by our Beloved and Beauteous Hokage and were given free passes to the Gloriously Youthful Video Rental Palace. We have dedicated ourselves to educating ourselves with things we have been otherwise unable to discover. We have made it a challenge to watch these DVDs without rest. We decided to shore up the defenses of our Beloved Konoha when it became apparent that its Innocence left it open to Attack by Heretofore Unknown Enemies."
"Uh… and how long have you been watching these DVDs?" Iruka wasn't so sure he wanted to know the answer to that. He was already a little unsettled at Kakashi's revelation about the purpose of the empty ice cream and Pocky cartons.
"It has been approximately one week, eleven hours, sixteen minutes, and forty-nine seconds since we started."
"I counted!"
"We have been most diligent. We shall not rest!"
"Um…hm…" Iruka peered at Gai, noticing the fever-brightness of his eyes had seemed to worsen.
"Ruka-chan, it's horrible," Kakashi whimpered, clutching at Iruka's arm and leaning against him. "There are these things called Gorgons and they can turn you to stone so we need to protect everyone by putting mirrors on them. And there are undead and they can only be taken out by blowing up their brains and you know, not everyone can use a Chidori. Not to mention there are these things called werewolves…"
"I don't know how to tell you guys this, but…" Iruka blinked as Gai's head started to dip and his eyes slid closed. Gai toppled over slowly and he landed on the giant tortoise plush, snoring softly, pot helmet adorably askew across his brow.
"It's okay, I'll protect you," Kakashi mumbled sleepily against Iruka's side. "Prooomise."
Iruka sat, leaning against the couch of Kakashi's apartment, draped in one Copy Nin, surrounded by monster movie DVDs, a huge shiny plush tortoise, empty ice cream cartons and Pocky boxes, hundreds of mirrors, and one gently snoring Gai. He looked around for a moment, sighed and shrugged before turning on the television and pressing play. He wasn't going anywhere for a while and he was sort of curious about these so-called "Gorgons".
On the far side of the village, just under Hokage Monument, a part of Hokage Tower exploded in a shower of dust and splinters as Tsunade's outraged scream tore through the village. On the ground in front of Hokage Tower, Inuzuka Tsume and Morino Ibiki, resplendent in his shiny disco-trench coat, smiled at each other in a feral manner.
It was much later when the door to Kakashi's apartment was blown clean off its hinges and the ensuing angry mob of Shinobi were treated to the thoroughly heart-warming sight of Kakashi, Iruka, and Gai and his giant tortoise curled up asleep on the floor, the image of a bloody, crazed, chainsaw-wielding cannibal limping his way across the screen of the television.
The sheer AWW of the moment spared them from malicious punishment, but Tsunade learned to never give Kakashi and Gai forced leave at the same time for prolonged periods. Monster movies were also henceforth banned from the borders of Konoha. Apparently Suna had put in a similar rule a month prior when Gaara, suffering from insomnia due to Shukaku, had found their 24-hour video store.
Tsunade never found out that Iruka made some connections in Otafuku Gai and was busy making a killing in the Underground Monster Movie Trade. She also never got an invitation to the Friday Night Monster Movie Marathon Jamboree held in alternating Shinobi homes. There was also never an explanation for why her sake would randomly be replaced with sugar water and Shinobi would tiptoe around her whispering about Hyde-sensei.
Notes :: takoyaki is octopus balls [octopus pieces in batter], ika is squid [usually seasoned and dried], Hyde-sensei [Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]
I don't watch monster movies, but you can probably guess what they are.