Disclaimer: If I owned glee I wouldn't be writing this here.
Title: Out of control
Rating: T (For now)
Spoilers: Season 2. It happens after the whole Furt episode, but there's no much reference to it.
Summary: What's wrong with me? Santana feels lonely and frustrated.. She doesn't know what to do.. Set after "Furt".. Brittana and some PezBerry friendship. I suck at this, just go inside and read.
Enjoy! Thanks for reading!
What's wrong with me?
"Why didn't you tell me we were having a Glee girls meeting?" I ask Rachel, well more like I snap at Rachel, but come on. I may not be friends with them outside Glee, but we're supposed to be like a team or whatever they can't do this kind of stuff.
"This is a Glee girls meeting for those with boyfriends. We're going to make them stop bullying Kurt." Rachel replied. I glance over at the other girls, Tina looks away, she's afraid of me. Quinn raises her eyebrow and shuts me down with her eyes. Not that they're important so whatever. But Brittany, she just gave an apologetic look and shrugged. Brittany. She was not supposed to do that. She was my Brittany. No, not mine, I ruined that myself, now she's with Artie. Way to go Lopez, way to go. "Okay, I'm dating Puckerman" I say quickly. Don't let them know you're confused; don't show them this affects you.
"You're getting naked with Puckerman…" Thank you Quinn, that was just the reminder I needed, and in front of half the glee club, thank you. I glance at Brittany, she looks away.
"Okay. So now if you will excuse us." I don't hate her anymore, I even think of her as, I don't know something like a part time friend with restrictions, but this kind of comments make me want to punch her, Aren't you supposed to be the nice girl that helps people out Berry? God! I hate you right now.
"You're so on my list, dwarf." I say, crossing my arms and glaring at them, I try to soften my eyes before they reach Brittany, but she's not looking at me, she rarely does now… before I storm out of the room. I'm not going to stay where I'm obviously not welcome.
The wedding was over hours ago. And there I was, on my bed staring at the ceiling, tossing the smiley squeeze ball Mr. Sue gave me once, implying I had anger issues, I had not. Why couldn't I keep these thoughts away? That glee girls meeting… Come on Berry, maybe Puck wasn't my boyfriend properly but if it was about standing up for Kurt I'm more of a badass than all of your stupid boys combined. That wasn't a reason to left me out, you guys just didn't want me there. But… Why? I'm not that much of a bitch… am I?
Sure, Quinn and I have our issues, but that's a whole different thing. We'll come around; we know that, we're both the top girls at school. But everyone else.. what happens? I just tried to kill Rachel once, but it wasn't because I hated her or because I was being bitchy, it was just that she went crazy with power. Someone had to pull her back to reality. I've behaved really well lately, but of course no one notice. Make something good and no one notices, make a mistake and fingers will be pointed at you.
I've tried, I've tried to make amends, I've been sort of nice, well as nice as I could be, with everyone, I don't know why they treat me like this. Okay, I know, I've always bullied everyone. But people can change right? A lot of people believes it, I believe it, why can't them? Fuck'em all. Well, not all of them. Not Brittany for sure. Not my Brittany.
She was top on my mind. It had been too long since we had a real conversation, not even talk about hanging out together. Mostly because she avoided spending more than 5 minutes alone with me since I freaked out at her about singing Melissa Etheridge. I know I was harsh, but she knows I'm like that -not with her- she was, and still is, overreacting. But even if she is or not, I miss her, I miss her like crazy, I didn't mean this to happen. She's my Brittany, I'm hers. I hate being apart from her, it's like a part of me was missing. It's killing me. It kills me being without her. It kills me seeing her with Artie. What can he give her than I can't? –Admitting that you have a relationship, not fooling around with someone else, shown her you love her outside a fucking room because you're not ashamed of your feelings, and stop counting…- I mean he's like a zero, Brittany is too much for him –or for me- I hate it. –I hate the fact that she's not with me, even if it is my fault- I need her. But I stepped so hard in it, that I have no idea how to fix it.
I hate me, why do I have to pull everyone away? Why do I have to shut people down every time? It doesn't matter what people thinks, they don't know the real me, they have no idea what I'm feeling. I don't like being alone. Fuck'em, Fuck'em all.
I grab three of my pillows and put them over my face and let out a scream, no that the pillows cover it much, thank god my parents weren't home. I toss a pillow angrily at the wall. This is so frustrating. I glance at my cell phone. Someone's calling. Who the hell calls at 4 am? -Manhands- what the hell does she wants?
"This better be important or you'll have a slushie facial Monday morning treasure trail" Why can't I be nice? I'm trying so hard! I swear I have an undiagnosed mental illness…
"I'm sorry to bother you Santana, I realize is very late, or early, as you prefer, but you merely got home an hour ago at must, and I figured you were awake…" She rambles all the time?
"To the point Berry" I cut her off.
"I just wanted to know if you were ok?" …
"You call me at 4 in the morning to see if I'm okay? What are you on manhands? For real…"
"Just answer the question, Santana" And still, she gets demanding.
"I'm ok, thank you for asking? Whatever, now let me sleep" Why can't I tell her the truth? What's my problem?
"Wait!..." If you insist I may crack Berry, so please don't do it. Or please do it? I don't even know anymore… Too many feelings are messing with my mind.
"What now?" I ask with an annoyed tone...
"I wanted to say I'm sorry… because of the meeting, with or without a boyfriend, you're my fellow glee clubber, we are a team, I shouldn't have left you out or talked to you the way I did, for that, I apologize" Maybe she is a psychic… and now I picture a tiny version of the little dwarf running free inside my mind, really bizarre image.
"Don't worry about it Rachel, it happened already" Did I just call her Rachel?
"Did you just call me Rachel?" For real, she's scaring me.
"Whatever man hands, are you going to let me sleep anytime soon?" I ask ignoring the fact that I actually called her Rachel, this loneliness thing mixed with that torment of emotions are fucking me up.
"I know that you're not okay Santana, I just want you to know that you're not alone, if you want to talk, I'm here for you, more than as a fellow glee clubber, as a friend, good night, or good morning, as you prefer…" Like if I would talk to her about how I really feel…
"Rachel, wait…" Yes, I lost control over myself. It's official. "Just.. Don't hang up man hands" Why do I sound so… defeated?"
Should I continue? Let me know!
A/N: Sorry about my grammar, I'm not very good at english people... lol. Thanks for reading!