The Bachelor Party

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Disclaimer: I do not make money off of this.

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My head felt like it had been wrapped around gold bar and smashed against a wall of lemons, repeatedly.

"Guys?" I managed to speak, my tongue felt sore for some odd reason. I pushed myself off the marble floor, mindful of its slippery nature. Why was I on the floor again? "Shinji? Issei? Archer?"

I managed to get a leg up, only for the limb to spasm and have me nearly dent the floor.

"Oh Akasha." My older brother's voice warbled through my brain like a giant locomotive. I managed to crawl to a nearby counter and use my arms to pick myself up. "Shirou, please shut the fuck up."

"What the hell happened?" I asked as quietly as I could, I hoped he'd whisper as well.

"Vegas happened." My brother stated lamely, loudly too if the ringing through my head was any indication. He examined the surroundings while taking a sip of water, maybe that would get rid of my sore tongue? "We better get out of here before they check on us." He took a look behind him and gave a whistle. "And maybe nick your credit card too."

Those words bashed the hangover with a taste of its own medicine. I took a good look around and was rewarded with the sight of a completely trashed chicken and a similarly trashed hotel room.

"Why the hell is there a bowling ball in the sink?!" I managed to yell out, my brother winced and was about to say something before his eyes widened and he pointed at my mouth.

"Your tongue is!" He managed before breaking out in laughter.

I didn't waste a moment, I took his glass and stuck out my tongue on the reflection.

Two tongue ends went up and down individually before my eyes.

Before I can completely realize the situation, Shinji ran out of the bathroom holding his crotch.

"There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!" Issei's idiotic future brother in law screeched.

"Oh now that's just crazy." My brother got up from his laughing fit, wiping a tear from his eye, while my brain desperately attempted to reboot. He walked over to the restroom door while Shinji waved frantically at him to stop. "Even Vegas has limi-"

ROAR!

SLAM!

My eyes met my brothers, and I knew what he was thinking.

"Get Issei, now." He hissed, and I nodded, Shinji managing to do the same.

It took about five minutes for us to realize how thoroughly fucked we were.

Then we went to get our shoes…

…

"I think his name is Carlos." Shinji stated brightly, shoe-closet-baby strapped to his chest akin to bomb. It might as well have been if the police found out we kidnapped him. The purple haired man with serious problems played with the baby's arms. "What do you think Archer?"

"I think." I stated bluntly, stopping my brother from even opening his mouth, stabbing my omelet viscously. It tasted far too good to be appropriate for the situation, and was confusing me greatly. "We should just leave."

"You know Rin would kill me if we came back without her brother in law." Archer pointed out.

"Yeah." Shinji nodded with his entire head in a way that was fairly disturbing. "Sis's sis doesn't take failure too easily."

"I know," Archer stated with a blank stare towards the purple haired self-claimed savant "We've been married for about five years now."

"Oh right!" Shinji smiled brightly. "Hey watch this!"

He made the baby's arms go up and down near the crotch area.

"Carlos!" He yelled in mock admonishment. "Not at the table!"

I had to give a chuckle, even if it was only at the utter insanity of the situation.

"Jokes aside," Archer stated seriously, gesturing with his fork. "We need to take stock of the situation."

"The situation?" My fragile mindset cracking at the mere statement. I tried to get up and gesture wildly, but Archer pulled me down quickly. "The situation is that my TONGUE has been cut in HALF! My best friend is probably dead in a DITCH! And a fucking baby with its mother nowhere to close is up our retarded ASSES!"

Archer leveled a look at me, his hand was pushing my down quite hard.

"You done now?" He asked carefully. "You feel better?"

I slumped down my seat, before I nodded lightly.

"Good…" He managed to say whilst sitting back down.

"Wow." Shinji said. "You're very self-absorbed aren't you?"

I almost throttled him, and I would've succeeded if not for my brother's misguided attempt to keep me out of prison. It would have been the betterment of humanity if this guy didn't reproduce! The lives that would be saved would be astronomical!

Archer pointed a finger at Shinji.

"You shut up now."

"Language in front of the children." Shinji admonished, covering the aforementioned child's name. and Archer just gave a sigh and pointed at me.

"No killing your ALIVE best friend's future brother in law." I took some comfort in his words, since I was sure that if Issei was dead I could most assuredly throttle Shinji.

Relative peace restored I managed to nod.

"Now let's see if we have anything in our pockets that can help us figure things out." Archer began rifling through his pockets and I followed suit.

"I have a few chips." Shinji mumbled incoherently, face stuffed with sausage. There were around twenty hundred in all, so I felt some of my fears lessen.

"I have…" Archer frowned at what he found. "A hospital band?"

"We were at a hospital?" I asked dumbly, we all knew we could remember a damn, about last night. "What for?"

"Three fractures and some stiches on…" Archer trailed off, his tanned face paling rapidly. "What do you have?"

I frowned and dug out what seemed to be a metal glove from my right pocket and a box cutter from my left pocket.

I shook my head.

"What flying fuck did we do last night?" I questioned to the air and, as always, it offered no answers.

…

The three us decided we should just check out the hospital first, and we went out to valet to get our car…

"Holy fuck." I managed to say. I was cursing more this morning than I did my entire life and, quite frankly, it felt entirely appropriate. "Holy fuck, holy fuck…"

"Keep your cool." Archer repeated through a forced smile, I had a feeling he was saying it for his own benefit rather than mine. "Keep your cool."

"Your car, officers." A pimpled young man said with a big smile, gesturing towards a car that was most certainly not a Mercedes Gullwing Classic.

Shinji was already moving to the backseat when we got our wits together. The valet opened the door for him and right into the baby's face.

We were out of the hotel before the pimply teen managed his third apology. Shinji was trying to find a way to seatbelt around the baby, Archer was trying to not drive over pedestrians and I was doing my very best to ignore the large amounts of ordinance right next to my hands.

The stress multiplied threefold when we got to traffic, and it took only one more twitch of my hand towards the fully loaded Mossberg pump action for Archer's cool to rupture.

He turned on the siren and just about turned the sidewalk into the new freeway.

…

TBC