Hi! Welcome to the odd companion story to Matchmaker, Matchmaker! You don't need to have read that one first, because this gives a general synopsis of it in the first chapter. This is a completely different story. If you want, though, feel free to read it, as well as the odd companion one-shot Of Hit Men, Cats, and Candy Thieves.Basically the established pairings from this universe are as follows (and weird): Jenny/Gibbs (NCIS), Tauriel/Eowyn, Aragorn/Legolas, Haldir/Spalko (yes the underrated Indiana Jones character), Book Faramir/Movie Faramir...

Anyways, I promised this fic for a while, and here it is. There will be a lot of slash, femslash, and some silly random stuff like Faramir-cest, and such. So if that's not your thing, put this down. But since we're following the same totally-not-canon-compliant path of the first one, our main pairing will still be femslash and a crossover. Because it's entertaining, and you don't see a lot of it. Makes for good humor :)

Classic GDIME: nearly always human; female, early to mid twenties. Hair golden blonde or as dark as a night with no stars. Usually accompanied by bad purple prose and poor grammar. Shipped with either Aragorn or Legolas depending on the Suethor's tastes.

Who am I, you ask? Why I am the unholy brain-spawn of the Fourth Wall. So to speak. But Max is a far shorter name, so we'll go with that. And how did I get roped into this mess?

It all started with the most cliche storyline of all eternity: a girl from your world got pitched unceremoniously like a sack of rotten potatoes into Middle Earth. The first GDIME since Peter Jackson's adaptation of The Lord of the Rings. Now that sudden change of media-verses had shaken the equilibrium up already. But when badly-written Elvish Karsashians started popping up all over Middle Earth, the Fourth Wall got so upset that it cracked.

One big, long, crack, and the rest is history. With each fan fiction the crack grew wider, splitting off like roots. Finally, Tauriel shows up in a parody fic, and the Wall splits in two. But that wasn't enough. Suddenly there's a whole guild of media characters dropping in for a chapter or two. The Faramirs ran off an eloped, Eowyn married Tauriel and bailed for the NCIS-universe, and Haldir and Spalko produced an adorable baby Elvish assassin. Thus the story goes:

A little more than a year ago, Tauriel of Eryn Lasgalen jumped into fan fiction to escape a love triangle Peter Jackson had arranged for her between Legolas and that hot Dwarf I can't remember the name of. Kili! Yeah, him.

A wise decision, in the long run. That love triangle would have sent the purists into even more of a riot than they were already throwing and cleared the way for Tauriel-Sues to come popping out of nowhere (not that they haven't, but in far fewer numbers). But the canon was to be messed with anyway.

She joined the Fellowship of the Ring in Lothlorien, with the intend of matchmaking Aragorn and Legolas along their journey. Yet in Rohan, The Plot took on a life of its own. Jenny Shepherd and Leroy Jethro Gibbs made a brief cameos as Sue-slayers, as well as the Guild of Characters Who Fan Fiction Has Butchered, led by Colonel Doctor Irina Spalko (the most infamously butchered character in all fan fiction, according to our author).

But as The Plot ran rampant, Tauriel came to fall in love with Eowyn, inadvertently causing the wrath of the greatest Mary Sue that ever lived. Tauriel was already defying canon: She had caused an accidental snogging between Spalko and Haldir of Lorien, not to mention a drunken incident between Legolas and Aragorn which no one was awake enough to remember, later dubbed 'the Hula incident.'

In the Houses of Healing, she was attacked at Eowyn's bedside by the Sue Queen: Bella Swan, and during that battle Eowyn shot Bella through the heart. Then Spalko shot her twice more even though she was already dead, just because it was satisfying. She and Eowyn proceeded to 'make out like teenagers' in the account of Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

In the end, Aragorn married Legolas, Tauriel married Eowyn, Book Faramir began a meaningful relationship with Movie Faramir, and Haldir got Spalko pregnant before they both subsequently refused to ever get married because they felt that a legal contract would demean their relationship. Plus by Elvish standards they had already wed. Their daughter now bears the name Teithariel Eowyn, because the author couldn't bear to start another story without giving them some closure, seeing how invested she'd been in the development of their relationship. And because it was Eowyn who shipped them from the very beginning.

And then, just when things were beginning to settle down, Galadriel accidentally released a hoard of Mary Sues. That was the last straw for the Fourth Wall. It crumbled completely, and spat me out with a shitload of random knowledge of just about everything to fix all its problems. Now, granted I probably can't fix everything, but if I could get rid of all the Sues and Stus then maybe there would be some remnant of the barrier, preventing anything like this from ever happening again.

I would've been pretty efficient at it, too, if someone had just told me how get rid of the the things. But obviously nobody did, so I divided my time between the three main S's (a proven technique of Middle Earth etiquette)- survival, surveillance, and sulking.

I met Ziva David on a shared and inaccurate hunch that the Mary Sues would still be pretty concentrated near Lothlorien. I'd just barely figured out where Lothlorien even was when she tried to take me out- the only reason I believed her when she said she was a hired assassin for Lady Galadriel and obliged when she asked me to accompany her further.

Our problem then was that we didn't even know where Lady Galadriel was. And when she did turn up, it kind of ruined that mystical image we had of her.

But while I was busy narrating...

It was late at night when Galadriel struck out on the mission. Caras Galadhon was asleep, and she had shut down robot-Celeborn for the time being. She almost envied canon-Galadriel, who had bailed to Valinor with canon-Celeborn before she had even come into existence. Parody-Galadriel was a rather new concept, she thought to herself.

And parody-Galadriel had made a mistake.

She would readily admit to tampering with the Fourth Wall when she wanted something. She'd let a few people in, smuggled a few out, and found means of travelling to other universes entirely. So it was no wonder a mishap would occur when Peter Jackson announced when his third and final Hobbit sequel was coming out and promptly released a teaser.

Sue numbers were already going up before she accidentally released them. She'd tagged each species, but now they were running rampant in Middle Earth and procreating before her eyes. Lothlorien had a fine team to protect the borders (led by her Marchwarden and the leader of the Guild of Good Characters Who Fanfiction Butchered); they didn't need her there.

So being the snarky, parody character she was, she decided to make her own plotline, enlisting the help of Book Faramir (Tolkienmir) and Movie Faramir (Filmamir) to assist her in the quest.

"I don't believe I'm allowing you two to smuggle me out of Lothlorien on four wheelers," she grumbled, climbing onto one of the vehicles that Tauriel had left when she bailed for a Modern AU fic.

The Faramirs shot her a withering look.

"If you didn't have our help, you would have to explain to everyone here that it's your fault the Sues are running loose all over Middle Earth. You're discreetly taking care of the problem."

"Since when was anything you've ever done discreet?"

Filmamir shrugged. "I could ask you the same thing. Why are you dressed like Indiana Jones?" Filmamir asked her, knocking the hat from her head.

"Haldir and Spalko decided it was time for a female classic action hero," Galadriel huffed, fetching the hat and placing it firmly back on her head. "And I didn't want to become a cliche Mary Sue who travels everywhere in a silken gown, so I leapt at the idea."

"Yes, my lady, you really know discreet," muttered Tolkienmir, starting the ignition as Galadriel went through her satchel. All she had brought was a .22 caliber (Spalko's idea) and a blank book that her mirror had informed her between glitches would help to trap the loose Sues.

Galadriel tipped up her hat, enjoying the Old Western feel of her venture. She thought perhaps she had been trapped in Lothlorien for too long, although if she was only now having that realization, after making Tauriel's love affair with Eowyn her business to spy on and tampering with the Fourth Wall, it had clearly been too long to even remember since she had left the Golden Wood.

Twenty minutes outside Lothlorien they stopped for Hitchhikers.

And that is where my story begins.

I don't know what people think when they read Tolkien, or even see the films, but the general agreement is that Galadriel is a very powerful but very righteous Elf queen. Tens of thousands of years old, from a great bloodline of Elves in the West, bearer of Nenya, you know the drill. In short, what we expected was a mystical, powerful, and regal-looking queen who spoke in vague riddles and had a mirror that could show you your past, present, and future.

So basically a female Dumbledore. Or a female Gandalf, but that image makes me uncomfortable.

Either way, what Ziva and I expected of Galadriel was not what we got. Granted, she was still pretty regal, and we were just nighttime hitchhikers, but the fedora felt excessive. Wheeling up on a four wheeler dressed like Indiana Jones with two Faramirs riding beside her… ends didn't exactly meet.

But after some talking her status as Parody Galadriel became evident (mostly by her occasional snarky quips), and we cleared up matters, the most significant being Ziva David. Hired hit man for the Queen of the Golden Wood. Quite a title, if it wasn't being granted to you by a vengeful Sue-slayer out to fix the mess she created in the first place.

Galadriel looked at me skeptically; a ratty, lanky boy who looked to be in his teens and wearing survival gear from an alternate universe, I probably seemed pretty suspicious. But the faint scars on my forehead from acne I couldn't remember gave away quickly that I wasn't a hostile Gary Stu hunting down Arwen or anything of the sort. That, and the fact that I knew details about events which had transpired in another fan fiction a year previous. I could recall the famous tale of Tauriel and the Sue Queen in vast detail, or so it was called now.

And so it was that Galadriel allowed me to join them in their quest to correct her mistakes and rid Middle Earth of pesky Sues and Stus, the first being the classic GDIME and very easy to destroy.

With this one, all you had to do was dose her with reality.

The Sue had wandered the woods outside Lothlorien, bound eventually to stumble upon it and hopefully join the Fellowship of the Ring. Which, in case our dear readers hadn't already deciphered, was not about to happen.

"Where are her provisions?" Filmamir muttered grimly.

I laughed quietly at him. "She doesn't need them. She's a Sue, remember? They never address the lack of proper toiletries or food supplies. It's a legit cop out, too; not even ol' PJ covered that. Although I can see the lack of appeal to viewers." I wrinkled my nose in disgust.

Ziva had whipped out a loaded pistol, but Galadriel quickly assured her that there was no need. If this were a video game, the human GDIME was level 1. Easiest to write, easiest to exterminate.

Unfortunately, though, this naive female presence meant that it was my cue to act. She'd react to me, even if I'd had acne once (although in my defense, it was completely gone now). The Suethor was starved of a relationship, so she'd go for anything.

I stepped out into the moonlit glade.

"Hey," I said, with as little sarcasm as I could manage.

Her eyes widened, and by the Valar she was kind of hot. No. I didn't permit these thoughts. Cold and calculated. That's what this is.

"You have any food on you?" I asked her.

Her eyes got even wider. Clearly she'd just only realized that she needed food to stay alive. If I hadn't thrown that curveball, she'd be fine. But this, for the Suethor, was a loose end, and now that she knew it existed, she couldn't tie it up without wrecking the story completely. "N-no…" the Sue stammered, taken aback, then bit her lip in some attempt at seduction. "My name is Alladenial Celestianna. But my nickname is Ally."

"Well that's all very nice, but I don't suppose you've got toilet paper on you, either? All you seem to possess is an extended copy of The Fellowship of the Ring DVD. What about toiletries? Your toothbrush?"

And she was out. She turned to dust before my eyes. Why? Because the Suethor had abandoned her and deleted the fic. Only one chapter in, she'd rather delete the story altogether than deal with flames or re-draft.

As I watched, the dust flew into Lady Galadriel's satchel, where a leather-bound book stuck out of the top.

"It's a field guide," she explained to me, tipping her fedora again. It was becoming a habit, apparently. "Galadriel's Field Guide to Mary Sues and Gary Stus. It must be present to recapture the essence of each species of Sue or Stu (although Sues are far more common)."

She opened the book, climbing out of her four wheeler and laying it down in the clearing, where lettering was just beginning to appear under the heading of "classic GDIME."

Ally stared at the strange boy, a sudden fear striking her heart. What would she do without a hairbrush or a toothbrush? What would she do without her toiletries? And suddenly she felt STARVING.

"What's with the all-caps?" asked Ziva, drawing her eyebrows together.

Galadriel smirked. "It's in the Suethor's original prose. For humor's sake."

Her beautiful purple eyes glittering in the moonlight, she felt her fingers being to melt like shining, pale slender candlesticks, and her lovely, flowing dress turn to sand. She exploded in a flash of the most beautiful light Middle Earth had ever seen, and was never seen again.

Thank the Valar.

Galadriel chuckled lightly. "Okay, maybe I added that last bit."

Rough translation of Teithariel: daughter of writing. Even more rough- daughter of the plot line. Which was what I was kind of going for there.

Hope you enjoyed! More chapters to come, and please do review. Max will get so bored if he doesn't have something to read in his spare time, and since I don't know him very well yet I don't know what he likes to destroy when he gets bored. New characters are like that, unfortunately.

Anyways, this will be mostly a bunch of chronological one-shots or two-shots or even three-shots, each dealing with the destruction of one Sue. There will be collective character development, and eventual pairings and such. But it's not just one continuous story. Each chapter covers a new Sue species, so to speak.