I just felt like writing about hurt...

-NWJ

Part 1

"Willie baby it's okay..." Daniel touched her arm lightly as they entered the apartment. She brushed him off, not wanting to be bothered as he tried to soothe her. She ignored him, turning away and storming off to the bedroom, a slammed door following behind her. Daniel sighed, taking off his hat and setting it down on the couch, plopping back to the loveseat. His hands washed over his face and the frustration of the ordeal filled his mind as he thought of what they had been putting themselves lately. She had a right to be angry...maybe. I mean, he was upset too...They were in this together yet she seemed to be acting as if she was fighting this battle alone. They both wanted children or at least it started off with just him wanting children but as the process went on she got involved too, wanting it maybe even more then he did. 4 rounds of IVF and still nothing, 2 miscarriages and now their third and she was about to give up. He didn't know how to deal, just wanting to hold her and tell her it was okay but she didn't want him to. She pushed him away anytime she got upset and right now the whole yearn for this seemingly unachievable goal had posed the biggest wedge between them then ever. He heaved his way from the couch and slinked off his scarf, tossing it back to where his hat sat. He shed his jacket in the same place and knocked on the locked bedroom, stuffing his hand into his pocket after an endless echo of hard pounds. The other side died in silence, not even a shuffling of feet on the other side. He should have expected it…..Last time she almost made it to 4 months and then...it happened. She stayed in bed for almost a week, not opening for anyone or eating anything. It killed him to see her in such a state of distress, so hurt and so broken. She was willing to try again and try they did, banging like bunnies until they were able to conceive again and then…..it happened again like an endless vendetta against her womb and his dream for a family. Suddenly the door creaked open and she stood before him, broken and red eyed, her hair disheveled in a messy bun as her face fell against his chest and he pulled her close, just holding her there as she sobbed. His hand held her head close to him as a few tears slipped from his eye gates as well. He rubbed her back soothingly as she clutched at his T-Shirt, just wanting to fall into a ball and stay there, secluded from the world. "I'm sorry I can't give you...What you want." She whispered, looking up at him helplessly. He sniffled, his exhale holding tears that he repressed. He held her tighter, his grip on her nearly suffocating as he tried not to cry, thinking only one of them could fall apart at a time. "Shhhh." He hushed her, not blaming anyone for their small discrepancy. His face held tight, a look of sadness and disappointment etched across it, as he tried to contain himself. "It's not your fault."

She pulled away, looking at him in disbelief, only wearing her Chanel Sweat suit. "Don't lie to you."

He stepped further into the room, hitting at his chest. "Willie I'm hurting too...I don't blame you."

"But-"

"Shut up." He overtook her voice in an authority battle. He took her back into his arms and she tried to fight him, pulling away with resistance. She didn't want to be in it together. She wanted to bare the burden by herself because somehow she felt it was easier. Somehow she thought that it would be easier than sharing the weight of the world. But he wouldn't let her and she fought him because of it. She tried to push him away and he just tightened his grip.

"Stop! Let me go.." She yelled through her tears, just wanting to recluse again.

"NO!" He retorted, holding her as her fighting decreased and slowly, her pushes became weaker until she just allowed herself to be vulnerable to the man she loved. She allowed herself to, for once, submit to her emotions and her husband. She slid down his body and he went down with her, holding her close while they sat sprawled on the floor, he wouldn't let her fight this battle by herself, not again. Because it was them...not her...not him...but them...They had become a them and with every battle they had to face it together as a team, even in a war like this when it seemed like the enemy was just attacking one soldier...They both had to carry the burden. Even if the lone soldier objected.

NWJ

He walked on the tip of his toes carefully, trying his best to be quiet as the floor refused to cooperate, squeaking with every shift of body weight. His feet slid across the floor, inching towards the bed. He set the tray of food down beside the bed on the end table. She stirred, her hand laid atop of her flat stomach as she turned in the bed, finally asleep after hours of grieving. He hated to wake her but she had to eat something, also not wanting a repeat of last time and her passing out from malnutrition and dehydration. Without a touch she was already up, her eyes wide and red from crying. She shook her head at him and turned back to her pillow, tucking it beneath her as she attempted to return to sleep.

"Willie...You have to eat something..." He cooed, his hand running up and down the side of her thigh. She didn't respond and he walked to the other side so that she could see him and not be so easily ignored. "Babe.." He called out again, only using that name when he was concerned for her. Brushing the hair from her face, he kissed her cheek and laid next to her.

"I'm not hungry." She mumbled, cuddling next to him, her knees curled up to his.

"What are you then?" He asked, his arm looping around her as he pulled her snuggly towards him.

"Nauseous." She responded softly, still sore from her D&C. She couldn't have solid food for about 3 days after and was strictly on the applesauce diet. He instantly went into the caregiver mode that he had grown accustomed to over the last couple months.

"Willie..."

"Hmm?"

"Would you be willing to try this again?" He asked cautiously, still rubbing her shoulder as he asked, she was silent, not knowing how to answer or if she would even be willing to go through the pain of forming a bond with another little person inside of her and have it randomly snatched away at the whim of the man who controlled their lives. She wanted to be mad at God for dealing her such a nasty hand but she couldn't help but feel that she had brought it on herself after more than 20 years of conniving, stealing, lying, backstabbing, betrayal and manipulation. Was this her payback? Her cruel and unusual way of getting what she deserved?

"You don't have to answer...I just thought...you know...I just thought that maybe it's us overcompensating for the want to have a baby and maybe if we...just went on with our normal lives...and just made love to each other to make love to each other...it would happen...and when it does there won't be any problems.

"It's not that simple." She replied softly, not seeing how that could be the simple answer to their complex and ongoing problem that seemed to be haunting them unmercifully.

"It can be."

NWJ

4 months Later

Marc ran towards Daniel's office frantically, waiving his arms as if someone had just dies. The door busted open and in came Marc, flying to his desk where his hands landed dramatically. Daniel looked up from his photo proofs, clearly uninterested seeing how he acted like this when the cafeteria served carbs...which was on a daily basis.

"Yes Marc?" He asked, his focus remaining on the proofs.

"Willie wants me to buy something..." He whispered, leaning over the desks. "A lot of something and she told me not to tell you."

Daniel looked at awkwardly. "Then why are you...telling me?"

"I just thought you'd like to know...considering the bout of recent events..."

"Marc...if she told you to buy it then go buy it.."

"But she told me not to tell you.."

"So?"

"You are the worst husband on the face of the Earth." Marc scoffed and turned around, heading towards the door. His hand was on the knob when Daniel finally stood up in curiosity,now wanting to know what the hell he was talking about.

"Fine Marc what is it?"

NWJ

Daniel busted in her office door, the knob hitting the back wall as it opened and he came flying through. Wilhelmina looked up from the paper she was holding and he saw that her eyes were red and puffy as if she had recently had another episode. She threw the calendar at him, the square object spinning at him until he could catch it with his bare hands. He looked it over, staring at it blankly seeing how there was nothing on it.

"Willie what's going on?" She didn't answer him, her head now in her hands as her elbows sat propped up on the desk. "Willie..." He called out softly, approaching her smoothly as if to be cautious of how he did it just in case she wanted to hurl another object his way. He bent down beside her chair in a crouched position, his feet on his toes as his hand found her back. "Willie..."

"I'm late Daniel." She answered quietly, a lingering of anger in the tone that she had used.

"Late for what? Your meeting with Cavalli, Wils that doesn't start until-"

"No! Not that late….idiot..."

"No need to call names." He replied sheepishly.

"I'm sorry I just...I'm late Daniel." She turned to look at him and his mouth let out a small oh, setting the calendar down on the desk.

"How...late are you?" He asked, not even knowing how to phrase it.

"1 day, 7 hours and 15 minutes." She stated confidently. He looked at her awkwardly and she recoiled. "I am never late right down to the minute."

"It's only a day."

"I don't care...I just..I don't..I just..I-" She tried to articulate what she wanted to say but just couldn't find the words. She jumped out of her seat, walking over to her briefcase full of photo-ops. He followed her, coming up behind her, touching her hand softly. She grabbed his hand within seconds of him touching her and squeezed his hand softly, not knowing how to process the thought of the whole situation. He kissed her cheek from behind and held her close.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded her head, knowing that she was lying as she bit her bottom lip to keep the tears from coming to flourishing. She squeezed his hand tighter, gasping a bit. "Just stay there."

He kissed her again, his other hand rubbing her arm soothingly. "Willie I know your scared...but just wait a day or two before jumping to conclusions...it could be stress...we'll just wait." She nodded, feeling nearly hollow as she complied. The whole process had nearly taken everything out of her, stripping her of who she was, how she dealt with things and what she stood by. Her weight was up and down, her eyes were almost always red and she could barely look at a child without feeling faint. By now she would of had at least one baby, they had started at least a year ago and 4 pregnancies later they were still empty-handed, always walking away with the short hand of the stick. The grief she felt each time was real, no matter how early in pregnancy, each time she experienced the loss of a baby, and she felt that loss deeply. Even though she never saw her baby, she still knew that he or she was growing inside of her, and she formed a bond; however abstract the attachment, she felt it. Each baby was responsible for her emotions during each pregnancy. From the moment she found out that she were pregnant, she imagined herself a mother again — and then, all the excitement of forthcoming months, and years, and decades abruptly came to a halt. Someone snatched away her dreams and trampled on it, whoever it was, without consideration..

NWJ

"Daniel...Daniel wakeup...Daniel." She shook his shoulder lightly, whispering in his ear. "Daniel..."

He turned over in his sleep. "Shhhh."

"Daniel...Daniel...Daniel...DANIEL!" Her voice took on a high pitch and he jolted from his sleep, eyes still closed.

"Wha-What Wha-" He started, looking over to her. "Are you feeling nauseous again? Do you want me to get you some more Tums?" He asked sleepily with a yawn, foot already out of the bed.

"No...it's 3 am."

"Than why did you wake me up?"

"It's 3 am."

"So?"

"Now it's been twp days." Daniel sighed, getting back under the covers. "Willie, honey please just go to sleep."

"I can't okay!..I'm sorry if I bothered you." She spat angrily, grabbing the covers in a huff and turning around to her side of the bed, leaving Daniel bare and cod in his boxers and herself warm and snuggly in the cashmere sheets.

Daniel huffed and moved her towards her, throwing and arm around her waist. "Come on Wils, I didn't mean it like that.." She rolled her eyes and pulled away., not wanting to hear what he had to say. He shivered, the wind blowing through the open window in the corner. He got up from the bed and moved towards it, intentions clear.

"And don't you dare close that window." She mumbled sleepily, now beginning to fall prey to the Sand man as time went off.

He huffed, plopping back in bed and snuggling next to her mountain of sheets and blankets... Out of guilt she tossed him a blanket and he smiled, pulling it up to his neck. "I love you Willie."

"Yeah yeah yeah." She answered monotonously, trying not to lead on how distraught she was on the inside. With every passing moment the anxiety built within her and the reality of the possibilities set in. Her hand found her stomach and a chill ran up her spine, not being able to even fathom the thought of going through the same pain again, or if she could.

NWJ

"How many more seconds?" Wilhelmina questioned, holding the stick in her hand.

Marc jumped off of her desk and checked the timer. "45 seconds."

Wilhelmina nodded, setting down the test. "I guess we'll just...wait."

Daniel touched her back lovingly, coming up behind her. "Are you okay"? You look a little pale.."

What the hell do you expect Daniel I'm scared out of my mind. :"I'm just feeling a little lightheaded." She answered softly.

"Well sit down." He lead her to the chaise and she sat down immediately.

A queasiness set in and she got up again, not being able to sit down. "Okay now I feel like I'm going to be sick." Marc offered her the trashcan and she turned away, picking up the test to see that it was still blank. "I thought you said 45 seconds."

"I did say 45 seconds, obviously it hasn't been 45 seconds."

"Marc-" Willie warned, not being in the best of moods to deal with his sarcasm.

Daniel stepped between them, picking up the boxes scattered on the floor. "Marc why don't you help me clean up these boxes and instructions and Willie you try and calm down. Wilhelmina huffed in frustration, turning back to look at the stretched out array of tests on her desk, all blank. She picked up the first one, tapping her foot in expectation as she awaited a color change, a sign, a plus, a minus, ANYTHING.

"Daniel I-What the hell is going on in here?" Claire asked as she marched in Wilhelmina's office in search of her son. She looked at the test in Wilhelmina's hands and a small audible gasp escaped from her mouth. The all looked up awkwardly and Wilhelmina's eyes went wide, clutching the test to her side. "Is she pregnant?" She asked.

"Mom-"

"Wait...Can she even have children anymore?"

"Mom-"

"Hell I'm surprised that baby didn't pack up and the leave the minute it figured out who their mother was."

"MOM!" Daniel yelled. He looked to Wilhelmina who instead of looking angry and upset or fire mad, her eyes held a sudden hurt that he hadn't seen. She slammed the test down on the desk and stomped out of the room angrily, not saying a word. The bell on the timer rang and Daniel looked at the test, anger filling him. He turned to his mother, shaking his head as she stared at him with her hands on her hips. "Don't!" He pointed his finger in her direction before she even had a choice to explain, seeing how she didn't deserve excuse...There was none. HE looked at the rest of the tests, checking each one carefully and he ran out the room, running after his nauseous, light headed, upset, newly pregnant wife.

NWJ

Wilhelmina stood next to the photographer, her lips pursed around the bendy straw that sat in her ice cold sweet tea, something that she had been wanting all day with a lemon wedge at the top. It was to cool off her burning emotions and to keep her from clawing at Claire Meade's Eyeballs. She wasn't weak. She could have kicked her ass but Daniel wouldn't have let her and she didn't feel like scuffing her new heels. She felt a hand snake around her waist a pull her close. She nudged at him, not wanting to be bothered as she sipped from her straw. His lips lingered around her ear, an audible smile apparent on his mouth. "Your pregnant." He laughed a bit and the glass slipped from her hand, crashing down onto the concrete basement floor. Her head was numb unto the sound of the glass hitting the hard mass. She inhaled deeply, the room beginning to spin as she felt herself being pushed into a director's chair, her hand holding up the front of her hair. Daniel called for a Custodian, massaging her shoulder as she gripped onto the armrest for dear rest, the reality setting in. It didn't feel real though. She couldn't believe that this was actually happening...Even though it was the fifth time it still felt like she was 27 hearing that she was expecting Nico. Fear and Excitement mixed within her like a melting pot of emotions, not knowing how to deal. "Willie...Willie are you okay?" Daniel asked, looking in her eyes as Marc offered a bottle of water from her peripheral view. She shook her head, easing down from the chair. "I think I'm going to be sick." She muttered, holding her stomach as she sprinted towards the restroom, a concerned Daniel following behind her. She ran in, pushing open the stall and falling to her knees as she emptied the contents of her stomach, a horrifying noise bouncing against the two confining walls. She stumbled back, knees bent as she leaned against the stall wall, taking a back hand to the mouth. It was all like deh jah voo...The nausea and the fatigue...She didn't even want to feel happy, afraid that if she did she might be disappointed like the countless times before. She didn't want to become attached but she couldn't help it, instantly feeling a connection the moment she realized that there was a possibility of the scenario being true. She knew she was pregnant because she knew her body but she didn't want to trust herself because every time she did it seemed as if she always let herself down. She didn't want to accept that there was another person on the line here...again. Let's face it: in actuality when you look at it she had lost 4 children..nothing a mother should have to endure and she may have to do it again and she wasn't sure if she was strong enough. By the time that thought process was over she was already in the arms of her beloved after he had rinsed out her mouth, sprayed Listerine on her tongue and held her close as she shook from sobbing on his shoulder, her face resting in the crest of his neck as her shoulders bounced with emotions. They ripped from her chest like a roaring lion, not being able to be contained as Marc stood guard at the door, horrified himself as he watched his boss fall apart. she hadn't even cried this hard when she lost the baby but this time it felt like it might be the time it works but the fear still resided in her heart...It might not happen and this one might be taken again. Her mascara ran gray down her face, her hair disheveled and clothes wrinkled as he held her, being the strong one. His heart broke in two when he saw her in such a state, his eyes welling with tears as well. She lifted her head momentarily, looking at him weakly, face a wet mess. "I want to schedule a Doctor's appointment..." He nodded and she shook her head. "Not tomorrow or next week...Now." He nodded and wiped her tears and mascara away with his Kleenex.

"I'll take you right now."

NWJ

Daniel drove slowly over the potholes of the city, Bluetooth on as he spoke with Marc softly. "I don't care...Tell my mother I died, just make sure she doesn't show up at the doctor's...Yeah she's in the black sleeping." He peeked in at his rear view mirror to see her sound asleep, barefoot and knees curled up as her hair cascaded over her, covering her face. "I can't help but be happy…It's another chance…."

To be Continued…