Tearing Down Your Mystery

by Shades Of Hades

After Jess met Sam, one of her favorite past times had quickly become piecing together bits of Sam's mysterious past." Sam/Jess, Sam/Dean.

Title: Tearing Down Your Mystery
Author: Shades of Hades
Date: January, 2007
Rating: PG
Pairing: Sam/Jess, Sam/Dean
Spoilers: Pilot
Word count: 789
Notes: I'm not sure if this flows well, because I kinda wrote this in little spurts and had a number of other fics going at the same time. When I read over it, it seemed okay, but you know, that's just me. Also, this is not beta'd, except by my Mac and I. (This was originally posted on my LJ)

After Jess met Sam, one of her favorite past times had quickly become piecing together bits of Sam's mysterious past. He hadn't made her hobby an easy one, but maybe that's why she liked it so much, liked SAM so much, because she couldn't ever quite figure it out, figure HIM out and really, that mystery was what kept their relationship fresh.

Jess knew that there was a guy that Sam had once liked, quite possibly even loved when he was in high school, named Dean. Jess was surprised by that, but had just learn to except that fact as part of who Sam was, and really, she wouldn't have him any other way.

Jess also knew that Sam had a brother he adored and admired more than anyone else, even if he wouldn't tell her point blank, she knew it was true, she could see it in his eyes whenever he would talk about him with reverence sharp in his voice. She knew that he had taken care of Sam, practically raised him growing up, and that his brother had nearly been Sam's whole world when he was young, until Dean had taken his place.

She knew she would be lying to herself if Jess didn't admit that she was at least the slightest bit jealous of what Dean had been to Sam. She knew she shouldn't be, because when it all comes down to it, she knows that despite the fact that Sam had loved him, SHE was the one he was with now. But there was so much that she could never be to Sam, no matter how much she tried. Dean had been Sam's first, and Jess knew that all the hoping in the world would never help her replace him, and in all honesty, she wasn't sure she wanted to. It's obvious to her that Dean was on a different level then her, and will always be, and she just had to accept that fact.

She didn't pretend to understand and wasn't sure she ever would, but she supported Sam, loved Sam, so she tried as hard as she could.

But you can imagine her shock as she realizes, though she's not even sure WHAT made her realize, it just clicks into place one day like a puzzle piece, bringing some clarity to the whole picture that is Sam, that Sam's loving older brother and Dean were the same person.

Jess's first reaction is that Dean had taken advantage of Sam. That he was sick. That he must have FORCED his affection on Sam, because he would have never agreed to it, never, unless he had been forced.

But she knows by the love that radiates from his voice as he speaks so fondly of Dean, that what she wants to believe, she can't. And she never calls him on it, just sits and listens to the few stories he's willing to let slip, grateful that he never realized that she had figured out one of the many great mysteries of his life.

It isn't until many months later when she finally lets spill forth the knowledge she holds, as she's facing Dean, the man whom Sam had finally let go for her, Dean, the brother that had shown Sam unconditional love up until he had left for Stanford, DEAN, who was standing in the living room of their small apartment, looking like he wants nothing more than to wrap Sam in a tight embrace and never let go, but Sam hangs onto his pretenses and introduces him as "Dean."

Jess just stands still, poised in the doorway, giving Sam a half-smile, because she knows it's finally time to tell him, "Wait, your brother, Dean?"

And she knows that Sam's heart is skipping a beat as he looks at her, as if seeing her for the first time, and she wonders if it's because, just maybe, in his own mind he really had separated the two from each other, separated the memories so that he could function within normalcy, so he didn't feel the guilt at what he had done, with WHOM, rise up in him.

The guilt on his face at her words is enough to break her heart and wish she had never sought to understand Sam so thoroughly, and just let him be SAM, HER Sam, not Dean's, never Dean's, because she knew right then that her knowledge of them was hurting Sam more than the knowledge of what he and Dean had done all those years ago when they were still kids, struggling to make sense of their world.

And for the first time since she had met him, Jess wished Sam was still just an unsolved mystery to her.