A/N: Okay so three things before we start. Firstly this was originally supposed to be a serious story with multiple chapters. But somehow it became a one-shot comedy. Don't know how it happened, kinda just did. Let me know if it turned out okay. Second thing, the only reason this story is rated M is for some slightly off colour humour regarding the sex lives of supervillains. There's nothing explicit so it might qualify as a T but it's an M just to be safe. Read at your discretion I guess. And thirdly, Robin makes an appearance in this story and the version I had in mind when I wrote him is Tim Drake. I've been reading Knightfall recently which is why I chose him over Damian.
"Twas brillig in the slithy toves did gyre and gimble all the wabe…"
Jervis Tetch wandered through the abandoned remains of what used to be a very nice theatre twenty years ago. Being there alone didn't bother the Mad Hatter nor did the deteriorated condition of the theatre. He'd set up in similar buildings in the past. The thing that did bother him was that the building was crawling with plants, many of them abnormally sized. To calm his nerves, Jervis recited lines out of Jabberwocky. He often resorted to remembering lines out of his favourite book whenever things worried him.
"All mimsy in the borogoves and the mome raths outgrabe…"
He stepped on to the theatre's stage and looked about for anyone in there with him. For a moment, the Hatter thought he saw someone in the shadows but it turned out to be nothing but a trick of the mind. Jervis cleared his throat and looked out to the imaginary audience.
"Excuse me, but could you please come out!" the Mad Hatter called out to the theatre. "I know you're here, Pamela!"
There was a tense silence and Jervis wrung his hands together. He looked around and saw nobody. Jervis started backing away further into the stage and decided to quote some more.
"Beware the Jabberwock my son… The jaws that bite, the claws that ca-"
Jervis stopped his quoting when he felt himself back into someone or something very leafy.
"Hello, Tetch." a feminine voice came from whatever he'd just backed into. "Why are you in my house?"
The voice made Jervis whirl around towards its source. The Hatter took a step back and looked up and saw he was standing right in front of none other than Poison Ivy. Jervis put on his best smile and began to speak. "Hello Pamela, just the woman I was looking for. How are-"
"Do not call me 'Pamela'. Only my friends do that. To everyone else, I'm Poison Ivy." Ivy started to walk in circles around Jervis, making the man feel smaller than he already was. "So, Hatter, why are you here? And better question, why should I care?"
"Well you see, Ivy. I'm in the market for a new business partner." Jervis did his best to conceal his nervousness as he explained. "Now, I don't think you like me-"
"You're right, I don't."
"But, I thought we had a lot in common and we'd be able to help each other out. It would be a mutually beneficial partnership."
Ivy stopped her circling and stood in front of Jervis. "Our problem is a lack of a common goal. I care about the preservation of nature and the eradication of human waste. You are obsessed with an old book and are possibly some kind of weird pervert."
"How am I the pervert here? I've heard that you happen to do some rather unsavoury things with your plants." Jervis retorted.
"I do not have sex with my plants!" Ivy grabbed the Mad Hatter by the jacket. "I swear, I will kill the tabloid writers who keep saying that."
"May we please get back on topic?" Jervis tried to remove Ivy's hand from his coat but found the grip to be far too tight. "Would you like to work with me?"
"Fine. I'll entertain whatever silly little whim brought you here. Follow me to the back, we'll talk there." Ivy turned around and walked off towards what used to be the backstage area of the theatre.
The Hatter hesitated for a moment, unsure if he trusted Ivy not to kill him. Against his better judgement, Jervis scurried off after Pamela to the backstage. To keep himself calm, he decided to quote another poem he enjoyed.
"How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail… And pour the waters of the Nile on every shining scale…"
Jervis and Pamela went to behind the stage where what could be called a dining room-if you stretched your imagination-was set up. It had an old table and several chairs but not much else in the way of furnishings. The fact that the rest of the area behind the stage's backdrop was empty save for a large collection of plants didn't make it anymore inviting.
"Sit down, Tetch." Ivy pointed to one of the chairs.
The Hatter nodded and sat down in the chair he'd been directed to. Ivy went to the other side of the table and sat down across from him.
"So Jervis, what exactly did you come here to talk about?" Ivy asked.
"I have a plan that would help the both of us. It would forward your environmental agenda and make us both quite a bit of money." the Hatter explained.
"It's a tempting offer. But I am very selective about who I partner up with. I do not work well with most people. Especially men." said Ivy. "What do you think we have in common?"
"We both utilize mind control for our schemes." Jervis replied. "I have my special hats, you have your pollen. It's a perfect match. Not to mention we both look great in green." he gestured at his green suit and hat.
"I'm listening… What exactly is this plan of yours?" Ivy leaned forward, putting her elbows on the table.
"There's a movie being filmed in the Gotham Harbour. The film they're making is a loose sequel to the Alice books. Something about a grown up Alice going back to Wonderland on a boating trip. The ocean's like a giant looking glace, you see. Sounds like interesting stuff."
"Of course, why else would you care about it."
"Let me finish. You see, the filming has been doing some damage to Gotham City's local marine wildlife. Which is your incentive to help me. But also, there is quite a bit of money and valuable equipment on board the boat. So we shut down the filming and make a profit."
"So that's what this is about?" Pamela leaned back in her chair. "The money. I thought you were into kidnapping people and making them act out your weird Wonderland fantasy."
"Oh, well, I've been taking my medication. And now I know it's much better to use my mind control devices and genius intellect for something productive." the Hatter explained. "So Pamela, would you like to work with me?"
Ivy stood up from her chair and began to walk circles around the table. "I don't think I trust you. I mean, what if this is some ploy for you to abduct me and make me the 'Red Queen' or whatever."
"I'm not going to do that. Besides, if I did you wouldn't be the Red Queen. You'd be one of the flowers Alice talks to. I do agree with your eco-agenda if that makes you feel better?"
"You do?" surprised by this news, Pamela stopped pacing.
"Why of course, most of Wonderland was a beautiful, forested paradise. Except the Queen of Hearts and her palace." the Hatter explained. "Now please, Ivy. Would you like to work with me?"
"Fine. I'd do anything to defend nature. Plus the cash we'd make would be a good bonus. But there are three conditions." Ivy held up three fingers.
"What are they?" asked Jervis.
"One. Until further notice you're living here. I don't trust you out of my sight."
"I can do that. It's not much worse than the last place I was set up in."
"Two. If I don't like what you're doing, I have the right to break off this partnership."
"Of course, the feeling's mutual."
"Three. You can't drink any more tea while we're working together."
This last request caused an expression of shock to come over Jervis. "What! No tea? Why?"
"How would you like it if I skinned people, dried the skin, boiled the skin in water, and then drank the water." Ivy replied.
"That… That isn't what tea is like at all." the Mad Hatter replied.
"For me it is!" Ivy snapped, grabbing the Hatter's coat again.
"Please stop touching my coat." Jervis tried to pull Ivy's hand away again.
"Right. No violence now that we're working together." Ivy let go of Jervis and stepped back. "This had better work out."
"Oh trust me, Pamela. It will." Jervis straightened out the wrinkles in his coat. "I think this is going to work out. We should start making plans as soon as possible."
The week that came after Jerivs and Pamela's initial meeting was rather tense. Jervis was irritable without his daily cup of tea and found Ivy's obsession with plants to be annoying while at the same time Ivy did not care for Tetch's Wonderland fixation. But despite their differences, the two of them continued to work together and eventually came up with a plan to execute.
After a whole week of uneasiness between the two of them, Poison Ivy decided to at least try and be nice to Jervis on the eighth day.
Jervis had seated himself in the back row of what used to be the theatre's audience and was reading his copy of Alice Through the Looking Glass. He mumbled what he was reading as he looked over it.
"Tweedledee and Tweedledum agreed to have a battle… For Tweedledum said Tweedledee had spoiled his nice new rattle…"
Ivy approached Tetch from behind and tapped his shoulder to get attention. "Excuse me, Tetch."
The Hatter was surprised by the sudden appearance of Ivy so he jumped up from his seat and turned around. "What do you want! Can't you see I'm in the middle of something!"
There was a long quiet moment where the only sound was the Hatter's nervous breathing. Ivy angrily frowned at Jervis.
"Why did I agree to be part of this?" Ivy whispered to herself.
"I… I'm sorry Pamela, you just caught me off guard." Jervis put his book down at his side. "What exactly do you want? Are you here to complain about my plan again?"
"No actually. Although I still think our escape plan needs more work." Ivy crossed her arms.
"And I told you, we'll get to that."
"Look, I bought us dinner okay. Well, by bought I mean I ordered it and then doused the delivery guy in my spores to make him give me the meal for free."
Jervis smiled. "Ah, clever. Thank you Pamela, this is the least aggressive thing you've done for me all week."
"I'll go get our meal. We can discuss plans over dinner." Ivy turned around and walked away from Tetch.
Just a few minutes later, Jervis had moved himself into the makeshift dining room inside the theatre. Poison Ivy went up to the table with a pizza box in her arms. "Here it is. One gluten free white pizza for us."
"White pizza?" Jervis raised an eyebrow.
"No sauce. Just the cheese and crust." Ivy placed down the pizza box and opened it up. "Thought you'd like some comfort food." she sat down across from Jervis and grabbed a slice of pizza. "I haven't actually had pizza in a long time, this should be good."
"I'm neutral to pizza on the best of days, but this sounds abysmal." Jervis took a slice as well. "It's just a circle of cheese and bread. I suppose it's better than nothing..."
The two of them ate their dinner without talking. The expansiveness of the theatre made the lack of conversation all the more noticeable. So Jervis decided to do something about it. "So what changes do you think the plan needs?"
"I just think we need to make better escape plans. We're going to be on a boat and if Batman shows up the first thing he'll do is disable any way we have out of there." Ivy explained.
Jervis tapped his chin. "Maybe you're right… Meet me in the planning room after dinner." he took another bite of his pizza.
"I've got a question Jervis. Why exactly did you want to work for me?" asked Ivy. "I mean, you could have asked anyone. You know I hate people. Especially men like you. But you still wanted to work with me."
Jervis finished chewing his bite of pizza. "My first choice was Crane but he was in Arkham. After him, you seemed like one of the more cerebral criminals in this city."
"Why thank you, Jervis." Ivy smiled. "I was expecting much shallower reasoning. I'll be honest Jervis, you're probably the first man I've met in a while who hasn't expressed any physical interest in me."
"Well of course not." replied Jervis. "The only woman I've ever loved is Alice."
"The fictional child." Ivy said in a disgusted deadpan, as if asking for clarification.
"The real adult woman." Jervis was quick to say.
"Hmm, well, here's a tip for getting with ladies. Women don't think being into late 19th century children's literature is attractive." Ivy said.
"At least I don't have to infect people with spores to make them love me." the Mad Hatter scowled.
"No, but you do make them wear mind control hats to do that." said Ivy.
"I am not letting this escalate into an argument!" Tetch snapped.
"It looks like you've already done that!" Ivy yelled back, now standing up from her chair.
"In that case let's stop while we can!" Jervis stood up as well.
They both stopped yelling and sat back down. The two of them went back to eating their pizza as if nothing happened.
Ivy finished another bite of pizza and a sudden realization dawned on her. "Are we really robbing a movie set tomorrow?"
The Mad Hatter swallowed his slice. "Yes we are."
"This is going to be a disaster…" Ivy sighed and bit into her pizza slice.
Although Ivy had her doubts about her and the Mad Hatter working together, come the next day the both of them had busted into a medium sized boat in the Gotham harbour at around six PM.
Infiltration had been easier than anticipated. They'd snuck aboard on a rowboat and hypnotized anyone who got in the way either with Ivy's pollen or one of the many mind control hats Tech had designed. Within about twenty minutes of boarding the boat, the two criminals had free reign over the ship to take whatever they want from the film set.
Jervis and Pamela stepped into the personal dressing room of the film's lead actress with the intention of looting it. The aforementioned actress was in a semi-conscious state on the floor after inhaling a solid dose of Ivy's spores.
"Excellent work Pam, this plan of ours is going swimmingly." Jervis went up to the woman's dresser and began searching through it for any valuables such as jewelry.
"Thank you Jervis." said Ivy. "Oh, on the way out, be sure to remind me to leave some kind of message. Something about the consequences of them filming here without thinking about what would happen to the environment."
"Yes, yes, sounds great. Ah, a necklace." Jervis took a pearl necklace out from the drawer. "You know, I think Alice owns a necklace like this. The real one, not the book one."
"Of course." Ivy went around the room and began poking around for anything valuable for her to take. "We'd better hurry, this looks like a pretty big ship."
"Right, right, make haste and all that." Jervis shoved the necklace into his pocket. He opened up the next drawer and started to rummage through it. "Do you think we should work together in the future?"
"Oh, hell no." Ivy went to the unconscious body of the actress and removed a bracelet she was wearing. "There's only so much of your whole Wonderland schtick a girl can take. I don't know how anyone puts up with it."
"It is a very charming book, thank you. Try reading it sometimes." Jervis took a pair of gold earrings out of the drawer. "At least I eat like a normal person."
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Ivy glanced over her shoulder.
"I don't think I saw you eat any fruit all week. How do you not have scurvy?" Jervis turned around to look at Poison Ivy.
"I only eat plant product if I ask the plant growing the produce for permission." Ivy said. "How do you know the strawberries you buy at the supermarket wanted to be eaten by you?"
"Ha!" Tetch laughed. "And people think I'm insane."
Pamela turned around completely to glare at the Mad Hatter. "Being obsessed with a children's book is disturbing, alright! Read something published in the 21st century. Harry Potter, Hunger Games, literally anything else."
"It's a charming, whimsical book! You should read it!" Mad Hatter took several steps closer to Ivy.
"I read it when I was girl. But I grew up!" Ivy got closer to Jervis.
The two of them stared into each others eyes, neither of them wanting the other one to win this conversation.
"We'll discuss this later, Pamela. And once we're done looting this place we can break off this whole… Thing." the Mad Hatter turned around and resumed searching around for any valuables.
Ivy turned back around and went back to searching the actress's quarters as well. But her dislike of Jervis made Ivy decide to make one last snide remark. "At least I don't have sex with hats."
Tetch turned back around. "I'm sorry, do you think that's something I do?"
"You're enough of a freak for it to be real." Ivy replied. "Think I read something about it in a magazine."
"Hmm, well, I still think you have sexual relations with your plants." Jervis crossed his arms.
"This is stupid! We're devolving into middle schoolers having an argument. Let's get back to work." said Ivy.
"Yes, of course…" the Hatter turned back around.
The two criminals kept silent as they continued to loot the room. As they did this, violent thoughts circulated both their minds. Both Jervis and Pamela realized they did not like each other nor did they exactly want to share the take of this robbery. Independently, they wanted to break off their partnership. It all came down to who was willing to act first.
As Ivy moved around the room she noticed a potted plant in the room with her. "How interesting…" she got closer to the plant and picked it up. "Hello there, little one. Can you do me a favour?" the plant did not speak but Ivy kept quiet as if waiting for a reply. "I need you to go strangle that creepy man for me." she paused again while the plant said nothing. "Thank you."
The potted plant began to grow taller and snaked its way across the room towards the unaware Jervis. The Mad Hatter had opened up a trunk full of costumes for the movie when the vine wrapped itself around his neck. Jervis let out a strained cry as the plant strangled him.
"Curiouser… And curiouser…" the Hatter choked as he struggled with the vine around him. He dug his fingers into the vine and ripped it away from him.
"My baby!" Ivy exclaimed as she saw the plant being torn to pieces.
"So this is the game you want to play, Isley? So be it." Jervis reached into his jacket and pulled out a bowler hat. "I still have a hat for you. And I'm not afraid to use it!"
The Mad Hatter lunged at Poison Ivy. What was left of the plant sprung back into action and whipped Jervis. This attacked caused him to tumble out of the room he was in and out onto the ship's deck. Ivy stepped out onto the deck, slowly but menacingly walking towards him.
"You're not the only one with mindless drones, you know." Jervis got to his feet and snapped his fingers.
A skinny young man who had been part of the film's sound crew, currently hypnotized by the pith helmet he was wearing, rose from the ground and marched towards Ivy with their arms raised in a fighting position.
"Is that really the best you have?" Ivy made the plant wrap around the young man and restrain him, but not injure or kill him. "Throwing a skinny piece of meat at me? I could kill you in under two minutes if I wanted, Tetch."
"You're forgetting, Isley. We're at sea. There are barely any plants out here. And I've still got plenty of mind slaves here." the Hatter told her.
"Well what you're not remembering is that you're abnormally short and just as weak. I still have you bested in physical strength." Ivy moved in closer to the Mad Hatter.
"I'd like to see someone as delicate as you hit me." Jervis taunted her.
"How's this for delicate." Pamela slapped Jervis across the face which made him fall over backwards as a result.
"I didn't want it to end like this but you've left me no choice…" Jervis stood up and straightened out the bowler hat he was holding.
The Mad Hatter jumped forward to tackle Poison Ivy with the intention of getting the bowler hat on her head. Ivy realized this but still allowed Tetch to tackle her to the deck. As Jervis tried to push the hat onto her head Poison Ivy grabbed him by the side of the head and forcefully pulled his face towards hers. Their lips smushed together, letting Poison Ivy's toxins into the Mad Hatter's body. Ivy held Tetch's head in place to keep him from breaking off the forced kiss.
Jervis felt his muscles beginning to numb as the toxic spores entered his system. With his diminished strength, Jervis pulled the hat onto Pamela's head before his body gave out completely.
Ivy pushed the Hatter's partially conscious body off of her and stood up. "Thank god he's out of the way. Now I…" her mind began to feel clouded and she became aware of a prickling sensation in the back of her head. "The hat… No…"
Poison Ivy reached towards the bowler hat to take it off but found that somehow her hands were being repelled. It was like she couldn't mentally bring herself to remove the hat from her head. "How… Curious..."
She lost any sort of control she had left over her mind and body and fell over backwards a few feet away from Jervis.
It was there that Pamela Isley and Jervis Tetch lay for quite some time on a boat full of other people in the exact same state. They remained like that for nearly half an hour before the boat was boarded by Batman and Robin.
The duo of crime fighters were quick to discover the two prone supervillains laying on the floor.
"What do you think happened here?" Robin glanced up at Batman.
"Just a moment, Robin. Isley looks like she's trying to say something." Batman got in closer and noticed some weak lip movements from Ivy.
"Careful, it could be a trap." warned Robin.
"Her eyes are glazed over, this seems involuntary." Batman said.
Poison Ivy began to talk. "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat… How I wonder what you're at…"
"Hmm, a Wonderland quote."
"Wow, that sounded disturbing coming from her."
"This must mean the chip in the hat is working on Isley."
"So how did the Hatter get knocked out?" Robin looked over at the Mad Hatter's body.
"My guess, Ivy was able to use her spores on him before the hat took over her mind completely." Batman turned his attention to the Hatter as well.
"Looks like they made our jobs easier for us." Robin smiled. "Let's get the GCPD on board and send them back to Arkham."
"First let's make sure nobody aboard the ship was injured." Batman advised his partner. "It doesn't look like these two are going anywhere."
Following the horrible disaster that was their attempted robbery, Pamela and Jervis were carted off to Arkham Asylum together. The two of them took great care to avoid each other once they arrived to keep any future arguments to a minimum. Fortunately for the pair their respective close companions, Harley Quinn for Pamela and the Scarecrow for Jervis, were already locked up. So they both took comfort in the fact that they now had somebody they actually liked to talk to. It wasn't until their third day in Arkham Asylum that Jervis and Pamela actually spoke to each other.
Poison Ivy entered the Arkham rec room with not very much on her mind. She intended to sit down with a book and hope nobody would bother her. But a speed bump was put in front of those plans when she walked straight into somebody much shorter than her.
"My tea!" a voice cried from below her.
"Oh god damn it!" Ivy took several steps back and saw Jervis Tetch in front of her, clutching a cup of tea that was threatening to spill. "Hello again, Hatter. See you're still drinking that vile boiled plant skin juice."
"Don't call it that…" Jervis sipped the tea. "It's delicious."
"If it wasn't for the guards in here I would make you suffer in ways you could never imagine." Ivy leaned in towards towards the Mad hatter.
"What did I do to deserve this? You're the one who started our whole tiff back on the boat." Jervis backed away from Ivy a little bit.
"Because I still think you're a massive creeper. Not to mention you violated my brain." remarked Ivy.
"You violated my mouth!" Jervis snapped, spilling a bit of his tea as his hands shook.
"Hmm, that was probably the most intimate another woman had ever gotten with you." Ivy crossed her arms and smirked. "You know, without having to be mind controlled."
"I will throw this tea at you!" the Mad Hatter held his tea out in front of him like it was a weapon.
"Oh, I dare you. I bet you don't have the guts."
"Try me."
Jervis seriously considered following through on his threat but his conflict with Ivy became diffused when the two of them were approached by Harley Quinn.
"Hey Red, hey Hatty, what's goin' on over here? You two still mad at each other?" asked Harley.
"Yes!" they both said in nearly perfect unison.
Harley gripped Pamela's arm and started to pull her away from Jervis. "C'mon Pammy, I found a chessboard. I wanna play a couple rounds with you."
"Great idea. Don't let him hear about it though. He's going to pretend that the pieces talk." Ivy glared over her shoulder at the Mad Hatter as she was led to the other side of the room.
"So what happened with you two? Ya keep mentionin' him but aren't sayin' anything." Harley sat down at a table with a game of chess set up o nit. "Were you two datin' or somethin'?"
"Oh, god no. You couldn't even pay me to even pretend to be interested in him." Ivy sat down as well. "Besides, I'm not his type. You know, not blonde."
"Ah, I got'cha." Harley moved a pawn forward on the board. "Why'd ya wanna work with him?"
"I think you told me something about making more friends before you got arrested." Ivy replied. "So I was just trying to follow your advice. Last time I try that."
"Followin' my advice or makin' friends?" asked Harley.
"The latter." Ivy moved ahead one of her pawns. "Ugh, if I ever have to work with that messed up manchild ever again it'll be too soon."
"I dunno, Red. I kinda like him. S'nice to live in yer own fantasy world sometimes." Harley sighed and looked off at the ceiling.
"Well, don't let him hear that. He's going to start calling you Alice." Ivy glanced off at the other side of the room where she saw the Mad Hatter sitting on a couch next to the Scarecrow. "Hmm, wonder what they're talking about right now."
On the other side of the room, Jervis drank down the rest of his tea and tried to focus by reciting another line from a Carroll poem he enjoyed.
"The Walrus and the Carpenter were walking close at hand… They wept like anything to see such quantities of sand…"
"So Jervis, how's the tea?" asked Crane.
"Delightful as always, Jonathan." Jervis replied once he'd finished sipping up what remained of his tea. "I wish the staff would let me have more than one cup a day. Suppose it's better than when I had to live with Isley. She didn't let me have any."
"This doesn't exactly sound like one of your most successful outings." observed Crane.
"It sounded like a good idea at the time. Pamela is a very intelligent woman, I'm an intelligent man. I thought we'd work together just fine." Jervis explained. "I got the idea from you actually. You told me you worked with the Joker once."
"Ah yes, well, I forgot to mention that little escapade ended with him knocking me out and leaving me in an empty room." Jonathan said.
"Oh, would have liked to know that before…" Jervis muttered, slouching down into the couch.
"It's a shame you're stuck in Arkham now." Crane leaned back on the couch. "Now that we're both here, you and I should escape together. We always do make a good team."
"Perfect." Jervis sipped on the empty cup, trying to get any moisture that was left into him. "All I need is you, Crane. You and Alice and tea and hats…" he looked out across the room and saw Ivy and Harley playing chess together. He meant to scowl at Ivy but found himself fantasizing about the little pieces on the chess coming to life. "I think we all live a good life, Crane. Right here in our very own Wonderland."
"Jervis, what kind of medication are they giving you?"
"My doctor started me on something new today."
"Ah… I see."
The End
A/N: I really want to try to write something a bit more serious in the near future. Can't make any promises, but I'm going to at least try. Also, fun fact, the throwaway line towards the end about Scarecrow and Joker working together is a reference to the Knightfall arc (Which as I said I have been reading recently) in which the two of them team up for a while. When I was writing this story I based the Mad Hatter off his more sympathetic portrayal from the Animated Series but tried to let some of his comic counterpart's characterization slip in. Feel like I did a good job. Leave a review if you wanna let me know what you thought.