This week I finally read Tsubasa. Oh man. I don't know what to say about this manga, except that it's amazing. I admit my favorite characters are Fai and Kurogane, but I have a real soft spot to Syaoran-- the real Syaoran. He really, REALLY needs a hug.
This came out while I was in a weird mood, listening to a playlist I'd dubbed 'I Feel a Little Emo'. Who knows. Anyways, please read and review!
It was dark, well past midnight. Despite the late hour, it was relatively bright outside; two bright blue moons hung low in the sky. This new world was nothing exciting, not incredibly violent or filled with unknown terrors around every corner, but it was different from the others that they had traveled to before. The presence of magic radiated through out the world strongly and all creatures in the new dimension seemed an adept user. It was a magic based on the elements, each user with strength in a certain, elemental area, and an equal weakness in it's opposite.
The house they had secured for themselves was large apartment on the top of a medium sized building made completely of red brick. It allowed each a separate room, though they often ended up two to a room for their own personal reasons; Kurogane to keep an eye on their newly vampiric companion, and Syaoran to make sure the Princess stayed safe during the night, from things both real and imaginary.
He stood outside on a balcony, just outside the room where Sakura slept, dressed in the dimensions current fashion; black slacks sat loosely on his hips, tucked into large and equally dark boots that reached his knees. A number of different belts were wrapped around his slim hips that aided in no way what so ever in keeping his pants in place. He wore a red, sleeveless shirt that clung to his thin but lithe frame, silhouetting him in the moonlight. A number of bracelets adorned his wrists and, tied securely to one of his many belts, a sword hung in easy reach.
Syaoran had his arms across his chest, his mouth set in a firm line, as he leaned against the doorframe, half on the balcony, half in the room with his sleeping princess.
His.
The possessive frame of mind seemed natural, yet so strange to him.
The more time he spent with her, in her company, silently by her side, the more he found himself drawn to her. He figured, partly, that he couldn't help it, that his heart—the heart that had been in him—felt the need for her, a yearning that pulled from deep within his chest. He couldn't explain why it hurt him when she wouldn't look at him, avoiding his eyes, amber eyes that only stared at her, emotions swimming beneath their surface.
But it did; it hurt him very, very much.
He knew he wasn't the one she yearned for. His other self, the clone he'd hoped would grow its' own heart with the help of his, had gone to look for the feathers on Fei Wong Reed's orders, leaving a weary and dilapidated foursome in his wake. Syaoran wondered if it all could have been prevented, if he had some how stopped Fei Wong Reed before…
She had apologized to him, for asking him to stop. Sakura knew that if he'd dealt the blow he'd intended to his clone that they would not be in the mess they were, knew Fai would still be in possession of both his sky blue eyes, knew Kurogane wouldn't be the one in charge of quite literally keeping Fai alive, knew that he—the real Syaoran—would be able to live life as a free man instead of trapped by Fei Wong Reed… but it also meant that she would be without the one that was most precious to her.
He didn't fault her for those feelings. How could he? He admired her devotion and perseverance. But sometimes, he found himself thinking that it would just be easier if he could be him, the one she held so dear. They looked the same, had the same eyes, the same face—the same heart.
Syaoran wondered if life and fate simply loved being cruel to him. His own heart had cared for her, but she cared for the one who had held his heart. He couldn't explain it in a logical manner, but then again, unrequited love was never something rational. Here he was, in love with a girl who was in love with him too—only, a different version of him.
He knew he wasn't her Syaoran, but that didn't change what she was to him. He'd watched, from the eye his clone couldn't use, been part of their interactions in heart and mind. He loved her, surely, that much he could tell. Part of him wondered if it was just what his heart was used too, if the feelings weren't really his, just his clones, left over from the time spent in his clones' body; but he also wondered, did hearts lie?
He heard her stir slightly in her sleep, and he turned his head, his eyes sharp as he scanned for any disturbance or threat. His gaze softened as they fell on Sakura who, even in sleep, had a distressed look on her face. He wished there was something he could do for her; he knew if there was that he would do it in an instant, without question.
He'd thought about asking the witch of the dimensions, but he had a feeling she would tell him she'd already interfered too much. That, and what would he give up? His love, maybe, he thought somewhat bitterly, but wouldn't that just hurt the princess even more in the end? The love for her rested in his heart—his own, the heart he could feel beating beneath his chest—not with his clone now. Maybe his clone still loved her despite his cold actions and one-track mind, but Syaoran wasn't sure, he couldn't be sure. Even though it hurt him to think so, he hoped that his clone did still harbor feeling for the Princess of Clow, if only to make her happier.
He moved back into the room now, his steps silent and trained as he sat softly on the edge of the bed Sakura slept on. It took him a moment to realize that tears were at the corners of her closed eyes. Slowly, so that she would never know it was him, he raised a single thumb and deftly wiped the tears away.
She didn't stir at the touch, but it was almost as if it calmed her. The pain that had exploded in his heart at the sight of her tears subsided, once again replaced by the dull ache of longing he was getting more and more used to.
"Sakura-Hime…" escaped his lips, barely a whisper, as he watched her, his fingers itching to brush the hair out of her eyes, his arms wishing desperately to embrace her tightly, his lips wanting nothing more than to tell her everything would be alright.
He was disgusted with himself, and not just himself, but his other self as well. How could his clone ever hope of getting his own heart if he left and treated Sakura like this?
He heard angry voices from the room next door as the wind blew through the open balcony doors. No doubt, Fai and Kurogane were fighting again. Fai had changed drastically soon after they'd left Tokyo. He no longer called Kurogane silly little nicknames or bounced around happily. His movements and smiles all seemed bitter and sarcastic, and more often than not, directed at the large and imposing ninja. He saved only his smiles and kind words for Sakura and occasionally, Mokona. He didn't even look at Syaoran—not that Syaoran could blame him. He knew that Fai had known his other self was a clone, but still, while the mage didn't seem to hold the real Syaoran responsible for the actions of his clone, he avoided the boy all together. It hurt, but Syaoran was not surprised.
He was not the same Syaoran they'd been traveling with their entire journey, despite his appearance or heart.
But still, at the same time, he was.
The voices died down and he heard the door to the balcony from the other room slam. Soon after, the hulking black figure that was Kurogane stood stiffly on the balcony, bathed in moonlight.
Kurogane was the only human in their group he felt he could call a friend, if even that. He knew the man approached him with caution, but the ninja also acknowledge that he, the real Syaoran, was different.
He remembered the first time Kurogane had offered him alcohol, asking him if he drank. Syaoran was slightly confused, he'd never had alcohol before, and said that if his other self could, he didn't see why not.
Kurogane had fixed him with a hard stare before he asked again if he drank. Syaoran had looked embarrassed then and drank with the ninja for the first of what had been, and would be, many occasions.
Syaoran wondered if Kurogane knew how much he appreciated the distinction that he provided and nearly preached to him.
His amber eyes moved away from Kurogane's figure back to the sleeping Sakura. Her face has twisted again and her lips were trembling. Her hands clutched at the sheet around her and she rolled over from her back onto her side, almost curling around Syaoran.
He looked at her sadly and before he could stop himself, he took one of her hands in his own, curling his fingers around hers.
She did not wake, but she could sense the contact, and it seemed to help; her lips stopped trembling and a look of calm gradually graced her soft features. Syaoran wondered if it was his other self she was thinking of, if she thought his clone was here holding her hand, not him.
Sadly, he knew it was.
Despite that fact though, he did not let go.
He remained beside his princess, making sure she stayed safe from both the real and imaginary predators that roamed her dreams.
He knew she did not love him, knew that she probably never would, but he knew, even with those factors, he would stop at nothing to keep her safe and make her happy—even if that meant watching her go through the painful journey of trying to retrieve his other self.
Syaoran, the real Syaoran knew, no matter what, if Sakura decided to go down the road to hell or worse in search of him—the him she loved—he would follow her into the dark with no questions asked.
I love R!Syaoran. I also love to say that with the 'R'. So it comes out more like 'ArrrrrrrrSyaoran'. Which is cool, too.
I walk from my apartment to my bio class everyday and listen to my iPod, and I always come across songs that I think could apply to Fai. Except they are all so different and crazy. Which I suppose suits him. One of them is 'Grace Kelly' by Mika, mostly for part of the chorus. The others are mostly angsty and sad songs like 'Motocycle Drive By' by Third Eye Blind. Oh, Fai... I love you.
And ArrrrrrrSyaoran, too.
Please review! I have a couple other Tsubasa stories in mind (not all of them this depressing), so if there's any interest in them, let me know!
-Elle