"History, Repeating"
by Bleu
So, a word (or several) before I begin. I never write from Meredith's point of view, so this is entirely new to me and may…well, suck. But I tried, despite my usually less than positive emotions towards her, portray Meredith in a sympathetic light. I was not, however, so sympathetic to Derek, though I also don't think he is as bad as it may come off here. They're all just very flawed people.
So basically, this is a warning to all you blind McDreamy lovers. You may (definitely) want to steer clear. As well as those of you who are diehard Meredith and Derek fans. You may not like this little futuristic portrayal.
Of course, you are welcome to read it anyway and just flood my reviews with criticism. That would make me smile, too. Yes, I'm a little strange.
Okay, enough from me. For those of you still reading, enjoy!
When he stood her up for the sixth consecutive time in a week, two days later a new iPod was sitting in her locker with a bow atop it.
She didn't know at first the presents were supposed to be consolation prizes.
When he missed her birthday party, it was a pair of sapphire earrings on her pillow.
She just thought he was Derek, being Derek. Sweet, thoughtful, McDreamy.
When their year anniversary of being an official couple came and went with no mention of it by him, until she reminded him a week later, a receipt for a reservation at a secluded Inn in the mountains was sticking out of her cereal box the next morning.
That had been her favorite surprise. Never had they been away together, away from everyone and everything that had complicated their relationship from the beginning.
When he had to cancel, it was a room-upgrade and the words, "Take Cristina for a girls' weekend."
She supposed a part of her knew, from then on, that she was losing him.
The only thing that enabled her to ignore the obvious was that when he was with her, he was so wonderful. It almost made up for all the absence and all the empty time she should have spent with him but didn't.
It was a Thursday when she hunted him down in the hospital.
"What is it, Mer?" he asked distractedly when she poked her head in the door of the lounge.
"I have to drive up to see my mother tomorrow. Well, actually, I'm going to meet with her and the doctors for a weekly evaluation." She had said after coming completely into the room and closing the door. He never looked up from the chart, but did mumble.
"Derek?"
"I said, okay." He replied, obviously not aware of what she said and still not averting his eyes. Meredith shifted her weight.
"My car is in the shop, and I need someone to drive me. Isn't tomorrow your day off?"
"Yeah." He said after a while, and she smiled.
"Okay, thanks. There's a really nice lake up near there, you could check it out, maybe fish there…"
"Yeah. I'll take you. It's fine." He said again, almost cutting her off, if she hadn't been trailing off already at the sight of his obvious disinterest. Chewing her lip, she swallowed.
"Okay. I'm going to go. I'll talk to you later, when you come over?"
"Yeah." It seemed to be his favorite word.
That night, he called and told her he was staying late and since the trailer was closer he would probably just go right home.
When she double-checked as to whether he could still drive her the next day, he said "Yeah," again.
When he never showed up the next day, she made calls to everyone she knew had a car. After six calls, she called the home where her mother was, and rescheduled for the next week.
When she pressed the "End" button on her phone, she let it slide out of her hand and clatter to the floor. And she cried.
After the tears abated, she wandered sniffling to her dresser to use the mirror to fix her makeup. When she finished the little repair that was possible, a blue flash of light pulled her gaze to the dresser top.
Sitting there, pulled from her ears a few days prior, were the sapphire earrings.
When she moved to touch them, she felt the weight of the iPod in her pocket.
Realization hit her in waves.
She pulled the iPod from her pocket and dropped it on the dresser with the earrings, and then slumped back onto the foot of her bed, staring at the objects.
Consolations cloaked in thoughtfulness.
Disappointments disguised as presents.
When Izzie returned hours later, she was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling.
"I thought you were going to see your Mom?" the blonde asked innocently, peering worriedly from the doorway.
"Do you like sapphires?"
Izzie frowned. "Yeah?"
"Want those?" Meredith asked, gesturing with her foot towards the dresser.
"Your prized McDreamy earrings?" Izzie said with both eyebrows raised. "What's wrong? Did you guys, like, break up?"
Meredith shook her head.
"Then what? He got you diamonds instead?"
"As a matter of fact…" Derek said from behind her.
Izzie yipped and jumped, and Meredith jerked her head up.
"Hi, Izzie." He greeted her easily, and turned sorrowfully to Meredith. "I'm so sorry, Mer."
Sensing this was a private moment, Izzie scooted back down the hall and the steps to make herself something to eat, and muffins for Meredith.
"I had to reschedule." Meredith snapped as Derek entered her room. She didn't even care, this time, about the box in his hands.
"I know, and I'm sorry, but something came up. A school bus flipped. I had twenty tiny heads that needed me." He told her sincerely, his eyes round and soft with contrition.
How could she hold a school bus accident against him?
With that, Meredith sat up and took the outstretched box. She opened it, and ran her finger along a dainty gold chain with a single, floating diamond dangling from it.
"Derek!" Meredith breathed, never taking her eyes off it. "This was the necklace at the jewelry store last month…"
"I know."
"This was so expensive!" she exclaimed, a smile creeping onto her face. He tugged off his jacket, hung it on a nearby chair, and smiled his heart-melting knee-shaking McDreamy smile.
"I had a lot to make up for."
If he hadn't said that, she might have forgotten how upset she had been, and how sure she'd been that she was losing him.
The next day, she was putting on her makeup when he came into the bathroom and slipped the necklace around her neck.
"I wasn't going to wear it to the hospital." She remarked. He frowned.
"Why not? It'll be under your tee shirt, anyway."
"Yeah, that's true."
The truth was, as beautiful as the necklace was, she didn't like what it represented.
But as the day went on, and Izzie and Cristina practically drooled over it and a patient complimented her on her "luck," Meredith decided the day before had been an overreaction. She wasn't losing Derek at all. She was lucky for the time she got with him.
Until…
"Nice necklace, Grey."
"Thanks, Addison."
"Really, it's lovely. I had one like that, once."
The remark was too offhand and casual to be malicious. Addison was already onto another thought when the words hit Meredith. She was asking her about the patient whose consult she was giving when she looked up and saw the tears in her eyes.
"What is it?" Addison asked cautiously, as the younger woman swiped at her eyes.
When Meredith finally met her gaze, she knew Addison knew.
As much pain as she was in over Derek, the fact that Addison knew they weren't happy somehow made it worse. She had gloating rights, now.
But instead of saying or even implying I told you so, Addison apologetically said, "He always had good taste."
Meredith sniffed a bit, and pushed her hands into her eyes.
"I'm sorry…" she mumbled. "You probably don't want to know, or, you know…"
Addison shifted her eyes from side to side, and then leaned forward.
"Look, I'm only going to say this one time."
Meredith pinched the rest of her tears from her eyes and met Addison's stare.
"What?"
"Don't let him get away with it, for both your sakes. I did, because I thought I could bear the loneliness. But I couldn't. So I hurt him, just as much as he had been hurting me. And we kept on hurting each other until what we had was destroyed."
This time, it was Addison who had tears in her eyes. Meredith only stared, her mouth rounded in an odd O shape.
After a moment, Addison shuffled her paperwork into place and then looked at Meredith, and chuckled.
"What?' Meredith asked.
"You look so shocked." Addison observed, putting her glasses on. "I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone, Grey, not even you."
With that, she disappeared down the hall.
Meredith watched her go. She realized then no matter how many fish he caught and gutted in his kitchen, or how many trailers he bought, or how many times he would smile that smile, underneath the McDreamy façade was Derek.
Derek, who had morning breath.
Derek, who was distant guarded.
Derek, who had flaws and issues.
Derek, who made up for emotional lacking with material filling.
As she made her way through the rest of her day, one shocking, nearly chilling thought pervaded.
She wasn't sure, after everything, if she had the strength to learn to love Derek.
And, even worse, if he would take the time to love her in return.
Credit: Title is a song by the Propellerheads, totally unrelated in content but fitting otherwise.