Characters: Kyuubi, Naruto, Sasuke
Summary: As far as the Kyuubi's concerned, Naruto is the biggest idiot he has ever met. Mock fic. Spoilers for 538.
Pairings: None
Author's Note: Did you hear that sound when they published chapter 538? That was the sound of Kishimoto personally bitch-slapping all the people who say that Sasuke's a hopeless case. In my humble opinion, if Naruto talking down the Kyuubi was Kishimoto deliberately showing Naruto to be deluded when it comes to Sasuke, then fine. However, if he's trying to make us believe that Naruto can still redeem Sasuke and that everyone in the shinobi nations are going to be alright with that, I have to question just how much attention Kishimoto's paying to the story he's created. Finally: Mock fic ahoy! but what can you do when it's the Kyuubi narrating? Naturally he's not going to be looking fondly on past or recent events. It's possible that this is somewhat AU as well.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Before the Kyuubi got stuck with Uzumaki Naruto for a host, he never thought there would be days when he would actually want Mito back (And he says Mito because there will never be days when he wants Kushina back).
Then again, before that miserable excuse for a human being Uchiha Madara started using him as a puppet, there were a lot of things the Kyuubi never thought he'd want. Well, scratch that. There were a lot of things the Kyuubi never thought he'd actually be in the position to miss. High among those things were (and they remain so to this day): fresh air, clean water, a regular food supply (demons gotta eat), and most of all a chance to stretch his legs and roam. Of course Mito's seal had to entail sticking him in a sewer; of course he couldn't be allowed to return to roaming after her death.
Mito was not what anyone would call an ideal host. She never let the Kyuubi have any fun if she could help it and she was always reinforcing the seal and sending him down deeper into darkness. What the Kyuubi noticed about her (and about his subsequent hosts as well) was a distinct lack of respect when she addressed him. If Mito ever spoke to the Kyuubi it was to deliver ultimatums or demand more chakra. Frankly, Kushina did the same thing. So did Naruto.
Mito was rude and controlling, but at least Mito had common sense. At least Mito could be trusted not to try to get them both killed. The same could not be said of Naruto, especially where the Uchiha boy was concerned.
Damn it all, is he suicidal?
Is he that thick-headed?
Is he that much of a blind idiot?
The Kyuubi liked to think that he had good reason to question Naruto's sanity. After all, as far as the Kyuubi was concerned Sasuke had quite clearly declared his intentions to kill Naruto and had attempted to make good on that declaration more than once. Patience and tolerance only goes so far; after Sasuke decided to take a personal trip down to his sewer the Kyuubi was all for roasting him over an open fire, but no, the brat had to get moral!
Okay, so he decided to ignore it that time. There would be other opportunities to take over his host's body and stomp on the Uchiha.
Those opportunities never came. Naruto started spouting off ridiculous things like "friendship" and "faith" and "believing in one's self". Bah! All it sounded like to the Kyuubi was that someone hadn't taken his meds that day. Or any other day, for that matter.
Someone explain to me what I did to deserve this, the Kyuubi brooded moodily, laying his head down and trying not to let any of the filthy water get in his mouth. It wasn't my fault Uchiha Madara decided he needed help in beating the Shodai Hokage to a pulp. It wasn't my fault he wanted to use me to kill my second host and flatten Konohagakure no Sato. It's not my fault bijuu are susceptible to Mangekyo Sharingan. I couldn't help it, and yet they all insist on blaming me! It's not my fault!
And now Naruto was firmer than ever in his belief that martyrdom was the way to go. The Kyuubi's hit list, meanwhile, was growing longer by the second, and it had just grown to include whoever the first person who thought martyrdom was a good idea was.
The one time I tell that brat the unvarnished truth he doesn't listen to a word of it! The Uchiha boy is clearly delusional and yet this brat still insists on talking to him like he's a rational being and not the degenerate, the degenerate… the Uchiha that he is!
The Kyuubi resisted the urge to bang his head against the golden bars (another lovely mockery courtesy of Mito) of his cage. The one time he told Naruto the whole truth as he saw it, that idiot said he didn't know anything about anything and accused him of trying to rob him of his confidence. What was it he'd called him? Oh, yes: Gullible fool. The sheer irony of Naruto calling him that could almost make the Kyuubi burst into hysterical laughter. Why were his hosts always such twits? Why?
"We're all going to die," the Kyuubi groaned aloud, deciding that if he was going to have to die he might as well say it out loud even if no one could hear him say it. Naruto certainly wouldn't be listening, given his behavior and his assertions.
Seriously, what had he ever done to deserve an idiot of Naruto's scale for a host?