Authors Note: I hadn't wrote anything in a long time, and then this came to me. The idea of the band breaking up because it was not only hard for them to agree musically, but because Brendon was actually becoming really attached to Sarah and that hurt Ryan far more than he was willing to admit, just sounded really good. This is most of it, at least for now (or Chapter one.) I hope you enjoy. :]
Brendon lay in bed staring at the ceiling, as he felt a light movement in the bed. In some ways he couldn't help but hope that Sarah kept sleeping, that she was just dreaming and getting comfortable. She did seem to move a lot – Brendon just wanted to be lost in his thoughts, the thoughts of everything that had been happening to him over the last 2 years, or so. He felt a hand against his bare chest as her cheek brushed against his shoulder as Sarah cuddled up against him. He let out a soft sigh as she kissed his chest.
"Sleeping?" She whispered softly, sleepily.
"On and off," Brendon tried to sound groggy, and he wasn't sure if he pulled it off, he hated lying to her, but this was about the only time he had time to think and that's the only thing he wanted to do right now.
"Mmm," She hummed as she snuggled her head between Brendon's shoulder and his neck wrapping her arms around him and giving him a small squeeze, she really loved him and part of that killed him. Though these feelings he had for her were real, he couldn't help but feel like she was the other woman in his life, even if there wasn't officially anyone else. Brendon glanced down at the woman in his arms, the woman that it would seem he was going to spend the rest of his life with, but honestly he really didn't understand why. He admitted that he loved her, and he did – in some way. She was brilliant, smart, funny and someone he could be himself with – but who was he anymore? He sure as hell didn't know and could he really have someone keep guessing? He kissed the top of her head as he pulled the covers off his frame. "Where are you off too?" She whispered sitting up slightly gazing at him. He glanced back over his shoulder as he picked his boxers up off the floor.
"I just need some water, I'll be back, go back to sleep, babe." Brendon whispered as he watched Sarah out of the corner of his eye cuddle up on his side of the bed, drifting back into the dream life that she believed was something she was pushing herself through to get back to the wonderful reality she had. Brendon shook his head as he walked out into the hallway and down the stairs to the kitchen. Grabbing a glass from the cabinet; turning on the tap, and filling the glass up, taking a large swig and setting the glass down on the counter. Gazing over to where he had left his phone he thought for a moment, before picking it up off the counter. Should I? He thought, before dialing the number quickly and sticking the phone to his ear, it rang once. It rang again – and for a third time before.
"Hello?" A groggy, sleepy, angry voice replied from the other end. It was silent and then, "Brendon? Why are you calling me so late?" Brendon stayed silent, he had only made the call to hear Ryan's voice, just once – maybe it would help him get to sleep tonight. "Brendon, I know it's you I can see your name on my caller ID. This better be really important, I've made it clear how I feel about everything." Ryan said, he sounded a little more awake now, and Brendon's heart sank to his stomach. What did he mean; everything? Brendon bit his lip as he took a breath, he was going to say something, he wanted to say something but the words, they just wouldn't come out. "Brendon stop calling me, I told you it's done, it's over." With that the dial tone began to play in his ear and Brendon kept listening.
"I miss you." He whispered as he let the phone fall from his face, before closing it and setting it on the counter. Brendon couldn't help but feel useless as he allowed himself slide to the floor, curling his knees to his chest. Folding his arms around his calves, lacing his fingers together, shaking his head, why? He wondered. Why did he still care at all after all that had happened, after the words the two of them had exchanged, and maybe their relationship was never real , but it never felt like it was just fiction. It felt just as real as what he shared with Sarah, it least it felt that way. Of course, he was seen as normal now. Fans were starting to question everything about him, and he wasn't sure if he cared about that or not. He knew his fans were incredible, he had said it more than once publicly, but did they really know more about him and Ryan than he did? Could they see through the jokes, and know that those smiles were all really real, could they see his heart skip beats whenever he would speak, or even yell about things. Did they see his heart break when the band left, when Ryan left? Brendon couldn't help but wonder and he had no one to talk to about these things. Spencer still believed that they were better off without Jon and Ryan especially after all the slander that they were spreading around, interview after interview. Brendon didn't believe that it had always been the two of them, it was always him and Ryan; Jon and Spencer were tag a longs. Biting his lip he looked straight ahead before pulling himself back up off the floor. He had better get back to bed before Sarah got up and looked for him. He wasn't sure why she was so worried about him, maybe though she loved him she saw how much pain he was in, even behind the smile. Grabbing the glass of water he walked back up the stairs, moving the covers Sarah instantly moved over enough to allow Brendon to slide into bed. Instantly she wrapped her arms around him once again and smiled.
"I love you." She whispered. For a moment Brendon stayed silent, almost as if he had to think about if he did love her or not.
"I love you too." He said, softly almost inaudible as he kissed her head, "go to sleep, doll." Bring one arm up under his head he stared at the ceiling, closing his eyes, and counting sheep – it was going to be another long night.
"Good morning!" Sarah's wide eyes gazed into Brendon's sleepy ones. "How'd you sleep handsome?" She smiled brightly and Brendon looked around the room for a moment before looking back at Sarah.
"I slept? Uh, I mean alright." He responded she gave him a questionable look before shrugging it off and giving him a quick kiss on the lips.
"Well get dressed, and I'll get you some breakfast. You have to be at the interview no later than 11 and it's 8:30 now." Giving him another kiss on the lips she walked out of the room and Brendon rubbed his eyes. He didn't remember if he slept, and he wasn't sure if he was awake right now. Maybe he should watch Fight Club; insomnia couldn't get worse from watching a movie could it? Or maybe he was turning into Tyler Durden. He certainly felt like he was split up into two different people, with two different sets of feelings, was his life perfect? Or was it just falling apart. Was he broken? Or was he happy? He knew he should be able to answer these questions, honestly, without thought; but he couldn't. So he lied, it was easier than the truth, right? Shaking his head he pulled himself out of bed and walked into the bathroom where he slipped off his boxers and stepped into the shower. He'd have to make this fast, or Sarah would wonder in there with him, and not only did he need to get ready, he didn't want to get involved, so to speak right now. He was more confused than ever, of course it wasn't the first time he had tried to talk to Ryan since the break up, but it was the only time Ryan had ever mentioned – everything. It bothered Brendon because he had no idea what he meant by that. Ryan was so emotionally dethatched, that no one ever really knew how he was feeling. Sure he'd smile, but that never meant he was happy – and that killed Brendon, it killed him to know that no matter how hard he tried, he never once knew if he made Ryan actually happy.
Turning the water on warm, grabbing the shampoo and washing his hair before picking up his bar of soap and quickly giving his body rub down. Rinsing, and getting out. Showing took about 5 minutes, at least without Sarah in there with him. She always wanted to play, and hold one another under the water, which was sweet in some ways – but in other ways it made Brendon feel dirty, because he couldn't help but wonder what he'd be doing if he was still in the band with Ryan, if this would have ever happened for them; going public, did Ryan ever feel it? Brendon knew that he did and he didn't know how to un-feel what he felt. He felt bad for using Sarah as filler, but he needed someone to make him feel normal, and Sarah at least did that, most of the time. Quickly rubbing the towel against his body, before pulling out a clean pair of boxer briefs and pulling them on before picking out a pair of skinny jeans and a t-shirt, normally Brendon would be wearing a suit and tie, but today he didn't feel like going through the trouble, in fact. He felt like being a melodramatic drama queen and not go to the interview at all, but Brendon as empty as he felt, he couldn't let his fans down, because if he knew that they'd never let him down, no matter what. He wasn't about to turn into one of those celebrities. He made music because he loved it, and the fans, were people just like him that appreciated it just like he did, how could he let people like that down? Heading back into the bathroom once he was dressed he picked up his toothbrush from the sink and ran it under cool water before picking up the toothpaste and smearing it on the bristles. Shoving the brush into his mouth and brushing. Moving the brush around in his mouth he kept thinking about if Ryan and he could ever have a normal conversation again. Was Ryan just heartbroken because Brendon didn't try to save the band? Or did Ryan really miss Brendon and the fact that everything was the way it was, killed him and when Brendon would call it just made things worse? Spiting into the sink and raising the toothbrush picking up the mouthwash, and taking a mouthful right out of the bottle. Brendon needed to do something about this whole thing, he needed to see Ryan – but where was he? Gargling and spitting into the sink cupping water into his hands and rinsing once more before wiping his mouth with the other side of his hand and headed down the stairs.
"That didn't take too long, why aren't you in a suit? You usually dress to impress." Sarah smiled over her shoulder, from the looks of it she was making French toast, and Brendon forced a smile, and laughed lightly.
"I look good no matter what I'm in, so I am dressed to impress." As confident as he seemed, he was more insecure then anyone knew. She laughed and took the toast off the grill and placed it on a plate.
"Here you are, babe." She said handing the plate to Brendon who grabbed it, and smiled before kissing her on the cheek. It was almost easy to act like everything was perfect, that he loved her more than anything and had no questions about his life – though that wasn't even close to the case; he wasn't sure how he pulled it off so well. He had never been really good at lying; at least that's what everyone had told him, but now? Now that he was in a real relationship, lies just came out as if they were the truth and it was so easy, too easy. Who was he becoming? He walked over to the counter and picked up the syrup bottle and poured it over his three pieces of French toast, honestly, he wasn't hungry – but if he didn't eat Sarah would ask questions about how he was feeling, and those were questions that he didn't want to answer. Rolling one of the slices up, he began eating, as quickly as he could. Forcing each and every bite down, usually Brendon enjoyed food, pretty much more than anything – but recently due to whatever he was feeling, he didn't really enjoy anything. "Someone's hungry." Brendon smiled food still tucked into his cheeks before he swallowed.
"You're just an amazing cook." She laughed as she turned off the grill and picked up her own plate smearing butter onto each slice. He would never understand butter? Over syrup? Maybe that was just his inner Elf, but syrup was the best thing, pretty much in the world. She kissed Brendon on the corner of his lips as she walked out. Finishing off the last slice of toast, he placed his plate in the sink, rinsing it before walking out into the living room, where Sarah was. He sat on the couch wrapping his arm around her waist for a moment as she watched the cooking channel; it seemed to be something the two of them did quite often.
"Someone called this morning, I was going to answer your phone, but I didn't want to have to wake you up." Sarah spoke once the show went to commercial.
"Oh, maybe I should see if it was Zack or Spencer, maybe we have to be at the interview earlier." Brendon was already well on his way to the kitchen half way through his response. Picking up his phone he looked at the caller ID. Jonathon Walker, it read. Brendon's eye brows cocked as he stared at the phone, what in the world would he want? Brendon shrugged his shoulders as he hit redial, and placing the phone against his ear. It rang once, and then again – which is when Brendon thought he should hang up, but for whatever reason he didn't. Then,
"Hello?" Jon's voice rang through the other end of the phone. Brendon didn't say anything for a moment. "Bden? Is that you?" It wasn't like he was talking to Ryan, so he might as well say something. It wasn't like Jon could say anything worse than the things he had already said.
"Yeah, you called?" Brendon responded leaning against the counter.
"Yes. Did you call Ryan, again, last night?" Brendon bit his lip as his stomach twisted into knots, how in the world would Jon know that? Did Ryan say something about it? Did Ryan miss Brendon too, why did it matter so much that Jon decided to call?
"Uh, I might have, why?" Brendon responded, he wasn't sure where this was going and he didn't want to say anything that would incriminate him, or give Jon any kind of ammo to throw back at the band about how far they have gotten.
"Well, he's more of a mess then usual – you know what the break up did to him, and I just don't know why you still try to have a normal conversation with him. It will never be normal again. You have someone else in your life, and it kills him, how easy it was for you to just move on from what it is you had, what we all had." Jon said before Brendon heard Ryan shout something in the background and his heart twisted, as if someone was ripping it out of his chest.
"Where are you guys now?" Brendon questioned.
"Uh, Berlin, I think he's trying to get away from everything." Jon responded. "Just a minute Ry, I'm on the phone."
"With who?" Brendon heard Ryan's voice getting closer.
"Brendon just don't do anything irrational, talk to Zack he'll know what to tell you, but I have to go; Ryan will bitch for days if he found out we were speaking." Before Brendon could respond Jon hung up the phone. Brendon held the phone to his ear for a moment wondering what that conversation even meant. Jon had made it clear that Brendon and Spencer were useless, or pretty much so, and that Jon and Ryan had carried the band – so why was he being so nice? Did he know something that Brendon didn't? Did he know more about exactly what Ryan meant by everything last night? Brendon was about to dial Zack's number when Sarah came into the kitchen.
"So who were you talking too?"
"Oh, it was Spencer, we're needed their earlier. Zack has something to tell us about something. Not sure why he didn't just call us both, but yeah." Brendon responded sticking his phone in his pocket and giving Sarah a small kiss on the lips. "I'll call you when the interview is over." Brendon whispered as he walked to the front all grabbing his car keys and walking out of the house. Getting into the car and driving off in silence. Listening to music always made him think more, though at one point it was more than relaxing, he could get lost in the sound of the guitar and relate to the lyrics, but now it was nothing more than words haunting his heavy heart. He just needed to get lost, without actually losing anything. In a strange way he needed Sarah to love him, even if deep down there was a part of him that was always wondering why he was with her. He did love her, in his own way – but honestly, it wasn't the way she deserved to be loved. Taking a deep breath before pulling into the parking lot before heading inside to the dressing room, he knew that no one would be here quite this early and he just needed time to think; to wonder if things were suppose to be the way they are now, or if he should do something irrational as Jon had eloquently put it.
Sitting down in front of the mirror Brendon took a good hard look at himself. He had changed so much, not physically but the man looking back at him wasn't who he was when he started this. He wasn't the fun loving guy that girls, and guys loved so much. He wasn't the person that he wanted to be.
"Jon, seriously who were you on the phone with?" Ryan couldn't help but wonder; Jon and him since they had left Panic, since they had left Brendon, they had become really close. Though not that close, there had been no secrets from one another, they were always on the same page, and maybe that is why The Young Veins was going so well, at least in Ryan's mind it was.
"I was on the phone with my mother, she is awful worried about you." Jon lied, if he would have mentioned Brendon even off topic Ryan would have closed himself off. Honestly Jon had no idea how Ryan felt about anything that had happened to the band, he didn't know if the two of them lashing out was out of pure jealousy, or if it was Ryan's way of coping with how much he missed what he had started, what he thought was over – that Brendon had decided wasn't at all over.
"You're a bad liar," Ryan responded, quietly, before picking up his guitar and strumming the first few notes to Northern Downpour. Ryan hadn't played any of the other old songs, except Northern Downpour and he wasn't sure why. He had wrote most of all of the other songs, and they were his songs and yet all he could manage to play was Northern Downpour, and he couldn't help but miss Brendon; not the band, not the songs, not the fans, just Brendon.
"Why do you always play that song when you decide to close me off?" Jon questioned looking over at Ryan and then to the ground then back at Ryan for a moment before down at his own hands, he really shouldn't have opened this door. Ryan was very sensitive contrary to popular belief.
"Would you rather I actually do cocaine? Or something worse?" Ryan snapped dropping the guitar to the floor and walking off. Jon quickly stumbled to his feet and followed him.
"Wait, Ryan. Come on you know I don't mean anything by it. I just wish you would talk to me more about how you are feeling. I mean I know that's what girls are suppose to do, but I'm your friend and I hate seeing you like this – so detached from everything. I don't even think you enjoy life anymore – or any of the things you smile for. I think you're faking it, and you have been for too long. If you don't start opening up to someone, about something you're going to lose the things that matter to you."
"You know what Jon, fuck you. Alright I am just fine, and I don't need anyone to tell me I am not. I love life, and life loves me. Just go back to talking to your mom, fuck." Ryan walked out of the hotel room and down the hall. "How dare him." Ryan whispered to himself as he headed to the elevator. Ryan didn't understand how people could think that something was wrong, though he himself knew that something was wrong, something was very wrong; but his life was always wrong. There had never been anything right with it until Brendon stepped in, and his smiles actually meant something, even if at times Ryan couldn't help but have to force them. He had become so numb to the world, all the good and the bad that now that there was something that could make him actually happy – he just didn't know how to handle it. Ryan had grown up believing that he deserved the worst, the nothingness' in life were made for him, and him alone.
Once he was on the ground floor he walked out of the hotel and flagged down a cab, he could feel his phone ringing in his pocket and knew that it was Jon, so he ignored it. If Jon actually wanted to talk to him he knew better than to call him right after the two of them had just had an argument. He knew that he should let Ryan come to him, although that almost never happened – so Ryan figured Jon should have learned by now to leave well enough alone. But of course, he didn't. His phone kept ringing, until it stopped but only for a moment as a cab pulled up to the curb, Ryan got in.
"Anywhere but here," Ryan directed, "actually the nearest bar will do." The cab driver nodded his head and just drove without another word, as Ryan's phone began to ring once again. "Fuck off." Ryan muttered as he searched his jacket for his phone, the only way to stop this was to turn the phone off, finally finding it in his inner pocket he looked at the caller ID. It wasn't Jon at all, it was – Brendon. Ryan took a deep breath in and just before the call would go to voicemail Ryan picked it up.
"Ryan." The voice on the other end, so beautiful so calm and collected, Ryan missed it so much. Even though the other night when Brendon had called Ryan completely shut him off, it's because whatever it was that the two of them shared it was just too much for Ryan to be able to handle. He couldn't imagine being with Brendon without tearing him apart, and being without Brendon would tear Ryan himself apart, but he was used to that self-destructive nature, it was what he always had know, what he always resorted too.
"What?" Ryan snapped back, he really wasn't in the mood for the cat and mouse games the two had been playing since the bad had gotten together, and then since split up. "What is it now, Urie?"
"I, well uhm," Brendon started, he wasn't sure how to word that he missed him, simply saying it just didn't seem like it fit, it didn't feel like they were at all the right words, but saying it any other way, Brendon didn't know how too.
"Brendon I really don't have time for this, I have a date with a bottle of… well really a bottle of anything." Ryan finished off, "if you have something you need to tell me tell me now before I get increasingly wasted, and then I really wont care for what you have to say to me." Now that stung, and it actually hurt them both Brendon stayed silent for a minute before he muttered words that Ryan couldn't even hear. "Urie, I know you are louder than that, just say what you have to say or I'm changing my number the next time I am sober." Brendon's heart skipped he couldn't go without being able to call Ryan when he needed to hear his voice, and honestly? Ryan wasn't sure he'd go through with it, but it was the only thing he knew was to hurt Brendon to push him away. He needed Brendon so far away that there was no way to communicate, even if it did kill Ryan in the process.
"I want to see you," Brendon said quickly feeling his stomach twist into knots in anticipation to what the other male say in return. Of course Ryan felt sick too, he couldn't believe it – Brendon had done something that Ryan had never expected, actually admitting to feelings that should have been long gone, since he had Sarah in his life.
"Why is that? What about Sarah… you can't just leave her." Ryan quickly responded, he couldn't sound as desperate as he was to actually see Brendon, he missed him more than he should of – and he knew that either way this was going to hurt. With or without him, but things always seemed easier without him.
"Why do you have to make it difficult, and bring non essentials up into our conversation? This is between me and you Sarah is not involved. I want to see you, there are no other stings too it. She will not be there, if that's what you think, or waiting long hours at some hotel – I'll think of something to tell her…" Brendon finished for a moment as he tried to sort out his thoughts, "I mean if you want to see me, that is." Ryan's heart skipped, of course he wanted to see Brendon and he wasn't sure how Brendon could think anything else. To Ryan it was very clear that he had made his feelings aware when the band split, which was shortly after Brendon started his relationship with Sarah, and Ryan couldn't bare to watch it blossom any longer.
"Aren't you on tour?"
"Ryan just give me a straight answer," Brendon's voice choked, and he hoped that Ryan didn't catch it as soft tears began to stream down his face. He didn't know why this was so hard, he did have Sarah he had the perfect life, but it just didn't seem worth anything without Ryan.
"Do what you want to do, I've got to go – I'm at the bar. I guess I'll see you when I see you." Ryan hung up leaving Brendon still unsure about everything as he inhaled heavily before he held his face in his hands and allowed himself to cry just a little bit. He hadn't let himself do it, in so long – that it felt good, Brendon wasn't sure that was normal as he pulled his legs up to his chest and hugged himself. After a few moments he whipped his face and checked the clock, Spencer and Zack would be there soon, and he couldn't look like he had been crying.
In that moment Brendon heard the handle on the door jerking before the door began to open, and there was no way for him to gather himself so he was going to have to come up with something, not only that he was going to have to figure out a way to let his fans down without letting them down because he needed to see Ryan, it wasn't something he could wait to do; so he had to go right to Zack. Jon said that Zack would know what to do; the only other thing he needed to figure out was what he was going to tell Sarah, though she was the furthest thing from his mind at the moment as he whipped the remaining tears from his eyes and stood up. He just had to hope that whoever it was would ask no questions, because they would get no answers.
"I just called Sarah but she said he already left." Zack said as the door swung open. "I wonder why he…" Zack's voice caught off for a minute as he walked in the door. "Spencer, go check and make sure what time we are on." With that said Spencer nodded and walked further down the hall and Zack closed the door. "What happened, man?" Zack said knowing he wasn't going to get a real answer.
"You blew my cover, wonderful." Brendon said with a sigh, usually he wouldn't have cared but Sarah didn't deserve the lies he was feeding to her, but honestly? The truth would have killed her, she did love him – and as much as a part of him loved her, he didn't love her the way she deserved to be loved. "Zack I need you to do something for me."
"Anything, just name it." Zack was such a great guy, and he'd do anything for Brendon, Spencer and hell even Jon and Ryan even though they had left the band. They were family, and even an disagreement didn't change that.
"I need to go see Ryan…" Brendon paused for a moment as Zack just stared at him. "I know it's a bad idea, and I know it's bad timing, and I know it's all crazy, but I can't breathe, I can't sleep. Zack I miss him, more than I should and Jon called me and told me that I should talk to you – you are the only other person I can share this with. I don't want to ruin the tour but I don't think I can fake this happiness too much longer." Brendon's eyes began to swell up with tears again and Zach couldn't tell him no, not only because he was crying but because Zach knew he needed this, he knew those two boys so well that he knew how the two of them worked, even if it was twisted and Zach thought it was quite life threatening to have the two boys in the same country much less the same room – he knew that they'd never be alright until something happened.
"I'll make it happen; you think you can make it through this interview? After that I'll have you on the next flight to see him, and I'll make sure that Jon comes to get you." Brendon nodded his head and smiled softly.
"Thank you Zach." It was all that needed to be said
"Oh and I'll take care of Sarah too, it's the least I can do after I told her you lied to her." Though Brendon did lie to her Zach knew he was doing it to protect her, at least he was trying to do well by her. Brendon knew that Ryan and him were never going to be something, they would always have this constant battle and he was just trying to find someone that would make him feel the way Ryan did, the way it felt when Ryan would smile at him – and Zach knew that he was trying really hard to do right by Sarah; it was just hard when your heart was still in someone else's hands even if you did ask for it back. There was nothing more of them to exchange except a few glances of worry about the whole situation, but they'd figure it out, with that they both walked out of the dressing room right to hair and make-up; they had a show to do.