- "Let me go… please…"

Silvia once begged me to do it, sitting in front of me. While crying, she was telling me that I was the love of her life, that she believed I was capable of doing anything for her, but she couldn't be with me. But I couldn't. I thought I could do it, that if my pelirroja asked me to do something, I couldn't deny it. But I wasn't able to. I felt lost, torn up inside. Seeing her in the corridors of the office, ignoring me on purpose, knowing both of us were suffering… Giving her furtive looks only to hide my eyes if she turned. Feeling her gazes, because they did exist, burning into my back… Meeting her everyday at work and wanting only to forget everything that happended so I could kiss her as if it were the last minute of our lives… I couldn't, and after lots of tears, everything went back to normal. We made up and we started to truly live our story.

But the mafia crossed our path. The mafia! How absurd! Spain, Madrid, a casual investigation put us in the focus of one of the most powerful mafiosos in the Camorra. It almost makes me laugh, or to want to throw myself from any building and wake up just before hitting the ground just to test my crazy theory that all this is nothing more than a dream. The problem is that I know this is not a dream. I know it because Silvia died in my arms, only a few hours after we had joined our lives forever. "Till death do us part"… It was too soon. And I became very much like a walking corpse.

- "Let me go… please…"
Those words burned me every second. Silvia had gone for good. But months later, I still couldn't do it. I wasn't able to accept that she was gone. And I never would…

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

That song resounded in my head, again and again. "My Immortal", which couldn't better reflect what I was feeling inside. I hated the "Gordo" because he had seized the first and only thing I had loved in my life; the only beautiful and pure thing that had come into my messy life… But I also hated Silvia, my sweet pelirroja, for leaving me that way. And I hated myself for thinking and feeling that. Because I wasn't able to let her go, once and for all… I suppose she wouldn't like to see me this way, realizing what I have become, but rage, pain and a blind desire for revenge blotted out the best in me. I knew it, but I couldn't and didn't want to do anything to avoid it. I was living in the past, surviving thanks to the memories and feelings of my life with her…

…
- Pepa, what are you doing? – Silvia laughed, amused but also frightened.

The euforia of the moment - slightly drunk and high, the sense of something forbidden - lead me to do it. I didn't think twice. She was talking to me and I was only able to look at her lips, longing to kiss them, longing to feel her close. And I did it. I kissed her. A quick peck, but an impulsive one. Silvia was shocked. I didn't answer her question, but I realized that I may have risked too much. Silvia wasn't like me. I was already sure that I liked girls and the last thing I would have expected was to fall deeply in love with my best friend. But I couldn't avoid it. After the initial shock, I was surprised when Silvia returned my kiss. I could only feel, there was no space for thoughts. Her mouth was softer than I could have ever imagined. The sensation of her tongue tangled with mine electrified me and took my breath away. I didn't want that kiss to end, ever. But don Lorenzo's voice brought us back to our harsh reality. It was 2000 and we were at Sarita's Holy Communion. And what had just begun seemed to also finish right there…

Let Me Go - Chapter - 2 -