first fic I'm putting up here hopes it goes well... yeah, I should warn for OOC...totaly. I think that's all I got to say...yeah, I do not own Bleach, this is yaoi, not so hard core tho ' yaoi means BL, boy love, boyxboy, manxman and the fact that it's Ichigo and Renji makes it ileagal to cause Ichi is a minor...but who cares?

big thank to ichkak for being my beta and correct all the shit I misspell :D ...witch means that all the rewievs that say that I should get an beta or an dictionary doesn't count anymore : )

When I'm Gone

"Ichigo, there's a thing I need to tell you" That phrase, how many times has it been the beginning of an end? Those words spoken so softly from his lips, it caught all my attention.

"What is it?" We were in my room. I was by the desk doing my homework, like so many times before.

"It's rather important" I knew that, just by the tone in your voice. And when I turned to look at you I knew by everything else too. You were lying on my bed with your hands on your stomach, feet touching the floor, and holding your head up by the wall. Your eyes were so serious; I've only seen them that solemn two times before.

"You're freaking me a bit here"

"Well, if that's all it takes to freak you, you won't be able to take the rest" He swept down a bit more so that his head left the wall and his eyes left mine to stare at the ceiling. I couldn't let my eyes leave him. Just the way he breathed made me scared.

"In soul society-" That made me relax, oh God, that made me breath again. "There's this rule, shit, how should I say this. You ever wondered why it's not over booked so to say?"

"No..." I still didn't like the tone of your voice. If this were about Soul Society, it shouldn't be about me, or us.

"Well, you know that in Soul Society everybody lives like, forever...or at least they would be able to..."

"What are you getting at?" My head was spinning like crazy, pieces were found everywhere but I couldn't put them together.

"There's this rule, that after 500 years... you're sent to death..."

"What? That's insane, why kill people who are fine?!" My voice was getting higher as I became more nervous. I could put the pieces together, but I didn't want to, I didn't want to know.

"Cause otherwise it would be over booked, so to say..."

How could he be so cool? This was the side of him they called crazy and inhuman "...what does this have to do with anything?" Oh god I knew, I knew, before you said it I knew.

"Ichigo...I'm 499 years old..." I know, I know, and it's the night of august 30...

"But you're a vice captain, they can't kill a vice captain can they?" My mind was progressing fast, really fast, any way out, even if just a small bathroom window on the third floor, I would take it.

"Only captains are spared..."

"Fuck 'em, I'm not letting you die. I could save Rukia from them, I can save you." Why crawl through small windows when you got the power to knock down walls?

"You can't, once is enough Ichi... you won't be forgiven a second time, fuck you wouldn't be forgiven the first time either if it wasn't for Aizen's betrayal" That was true, and I did know that there was nothing I could do, but I didn't want do give up, not yet. But hope is a treasure that has to be carried by two.

"I don't care if I'm forgiven or not as long as you're alive nothing else matters!" I was losing my cool, my heart was beating fast, the anger inside was building up as well as the sorrow, pain, panic and desperation.

"Really? Not even your friends? Your family? This town?" He seated himself up, staring at me so intense before continuing. "They wiped the whole Quincy clan out, remember?" The room went silent again, oh God so silent.

I didn't know what to do, standing up, clenching my fists. I wanted to hit someone, something so badly, but what? His hand reached out and grabbed one of my fists, pulling me closer. I was just standing there, silent; his head was resting on my stomach as he was still sitting on my bed. His hand left my fist and went behind my thighs, hugging me tightly.

"I love you, you know that right?" How could he even ask something like that? My hands went to rest on his shoulders, fingers digging in his long locks.

"I know...I love you too" It feels as if I have a big black lump in my throat.

"Your voice in unsteady..." My eyes are burning and I do my best to keep tears back.

"Yours to" My legs won't hold me up any longer and as my knees touch the ground I get face to face with him. His eyes were red by nature but this wasn't the same red, now they were blood splattered and I could see that he was holding his tears back with the same force that I used to hold back mine.

Just the thought of that he wouldn't be here was giving me nightmares and now he's telling me that he'll disappear forever. Fuck.

"Please don't..." I start, but I can't bring myself to finish.

"Please hold me" He would never beg, never once had he begged, and it's breaking my hope.

There's really no way out.

My arms close around him, my nose digging in behind his ear. His hands go under my shirt and up my back. I loosen the grip a bit so that he can take it off. I can't look in his eyes, and he knows, he knows that when things get too much I just want to fight, doesn't matter were or how. And I know, I know that he want to take things easy.

My eyes are on his lips, I see them part slightly, I see his teeth biting the lower, hesitant and then I feel them on my own. His upper lip slides between mine, he sucks gently on my lower before biting and drawing it out. He pulls his head away just a few inches, my lip still between his teeth. He lets go and crush our teeth together as he leans back in to fast. My mouth opens up, cause I know that's what he wants, and our tongues meet. I don't know how we do it; every muscle in our bodies are tense, but still our tongues melt together so relaxed.

My hands are grabbing at his back, pulling his shirt in all different ways and we part. I still can't look him in the eyes. Slowly and steady my hands pulls the shirt up and he raise his arms to help me. My eyes follows the tender muscles that hid beneath, I've seen them so many times before, still, now when I know that I won't be able to see them when ever I want, my focus on those black lines are as never before. I follow them the whole way, stopping at your neck, clearly avoiding your eyes and you pull me back in.

Your hands go in my hair and one is staying there as the other is travelling over my body. Your touch is making me shiver and I let go of your mouth and bite down on your neck, and I hear you moan. My hands are at your sides and I don't know what to do. I want to strip you down to the very bone and I want to do this so slowly that it'll never end. I want to be in you, I want you to be in me, I want you, oh God knows that I want you.

I push you down on the bed and as my legs leave the floor my pants leave my legs and I pull yours off too before I crawl between your legs. I will go slow cause I know that's how you like it.

I do everything I know that you like, that special spot behind your ear, your nipples, I let my tongue down you pelvis. My hands are on the inside of your thighs, at the hollows of your knees, at your back, in your hair. You shudder, whimper, moan and my name slips off your lips so many times.

Hours later you're in my arms and it's just that perfect moment, where everything seems so simple.

"You want food or anything?"

"...No, just... hold me when I'm here..." That reminds me, that brings me back to reality.

"When will they come to get you?"

"In the morning... Ichigo?"

"Yeah?"

"I want you to stay here" Your head leaves my chest and goes up to rest in the hollow of my neck.

"I won't be able to do this otherwise, so please just stay here. And if I know you right you wont be able to just stand there either." You have a small smile on your lips, I can feel it. My arms hug you even tighter, and the lump in my throat that was almost gone is back.

He slips between my legs and he bites my neck, he twists and he pulls and his nails are scratching my back leaving long red lines. And I do the same to him. And the thought of him walking down the line the next day, covered in my love marks makes me a bit glad. No way I'm going to let him disappear in a fancy way.

He drives me insane, he makes me see stars, he makes me come. I lay there under him and try to cool down, I'm so tired but I don't want to fall asleep. Once again I let my eyes follow those black lines from pelvis to neck. From the top of his forehead to his eyebrows.

And I look in his eyes, I look in his eyes and he looks back at me. And I love him, I really do, and I can't keep my tears back any more. They creep up in my eyes and they fall down my face and I can't stop them, I really try but I can't. My vision of him goes blurry and that makes me cry even more cause that makes me realise that soon I won't be able to see him at all.

"Love me when I'm gone" He whispers in my ear. How can he think that I'll forget him?

"If it were so easy to fall in love I wouldn't be in so much pain" I whisper back.

He lies on my chest, and his light quick breath becomes slow and deep. He falls asleep. My hands run through his hair and even if my tears are still running down my face I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

When I wake up he's gone. I can still feel him, I can still smell him. I look at the ceiling. I look at the walls. I look at my hands.

And he is gone.

--

so, that's that! UU what do you think?

ah, should I make a secon chapter and give it a happy end? yes? no?