LARS = PINK DIAMOND
LARS WAS PINK DIAMOND ALL ALONG!
IT'S TRUE. Spoiler warning! whoops, too late...
SPLAT: Anthropocenic Minerals
- A Steven Universe fanfic written by GrahamToast
Surgeon General's warning: contains non-recyclable materials
and plenty of leftovers
-o-
"If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales." - Albert Einstein
Disclaimer/foreword:
I don't own any of the characters, settings or software presented in this story (nor do I own up to anything). Steven Universe was created by Rebecca Sugar. It's produced by that one guy and some of the music was created by Aivi & Surasshu. They have a Soundclod account, go check it out. SU is sometimes aired on Cartoon Network.
This story is rated T (Train Wreck) for some disrespectful language.
Chapter 1: Minecraft through Joy (Mein Kraft durch Freude)
"Riches and ores." - Random quote from Minecraft
'
The door opened with a thump, and in stepped a greem gem. Not just any gem, for she was Peridot.
Peridot, the honorary member of the Crystal Gems was ecstatic: she had hacked into Mojang's servers and pirated a full copy of the famous sandbox video game, Minecraft, and had installed it on the Crystal Temple's desktop computer. It was a suitably powerful gaming PC (pronounced PeeSea), fully capable of running the shoddily programmed game.
Of course, Peridot had bought the PC with hard earned money, or so she claimed.
"Attention, everyone!" Peridot addressed the Crystal Gems and their two allies: Connie, Lapis Lazuli, who was not officially a Crystal Gem. "I have selected Minecraft as our next competition event for our bi-weekly game fest. According to several online sources, Minecraft is the best game ever made - right after Super Beach City Fighter 2 Turbo, of course.
The rules are simple: each one of us plays the game for an hour, and the one who manages to bring most riches to the home base I've built, wins. Just place your findings in the treasure chest, there should be enough room. If not, craft another chest. Yes, Amethyst?"
Amethyst had indeed raised her hand. "Uh, do we play on the same computer?"
"No. I have installed the game and the pre-created game world on all the machines: this new gaming PC, Greg's old machine, my own laptop, Steven's smart phone, Connie's smart phone and on the Ruby ship's flight computer. Let me see... Me, Steven and Connie have our own devices. Lapis, you can use the new PC. Garnet, you play on Ruby's ship computer. As we are one machine short, Pearl and Amethyst, you can take turns on Greg's old PC. I have installed two instances of the game on it. Any more questions?"
There were none.
"All right! Do your best, everyone! Remember: loser has the honor of cleaning the Barn and the Temple. Winner gets to pick the next game, and there's also a special prize. Good luck!"
An hour passed. Actually, after 30 minutes, Amethyst announced that she had found enough treasures and headed for the kitchen, keen on replenishing her energy. Not that she needed to do that.
Pearl, the mean gem who had cruelly punched Peridot in the face, started the game. "I'll show them!" she thought aloud.
After the first hour had passed, everyone else but Pearl decided to watch TV. "Pearl, how's it going? Find anything cool?" Steven asked.
"No, I... GAAHHH! This stupid game, why, I ought to..." Pearl complained as she was bitten by a spider.
"DING DONG! Time is up!" Peridot announced after checking her chronometer. "Time to compare the contents of our chests!"
Amethyst and Lapis exchanged glances and snickered. "She said 'chests', heh, heh, heh," Amethyst laughed.
Peridot crossed her arms. "I do not see the funny(tm) in that. I will inspect your chest first."
"HA HA HA HA! Did you guys hear that? She wants to inspect my chest!" Amethyst laughed.
"Ahem. You may show her when the children aren't around," Garnet said, spoiling the fun. "For now, just show her the treasures."
"Oh, okay. Here's what I found," Amethyst said, opening her treasure chest - in the game, that is.
"Let's see... You have found mushrooms, apples, pork chops, fish, corn, cake, tons of bread - did you bake it yourself? Fast work. Ah, you also found amethysts. Very good! That could earn you a second or third place," Peridot said. "Let's see what the rest of you have found..."
Steven had found curious rose colored quartz veins. What a surprise!
Lapis Lazuli had found lots of lapis lazuli blocks. She had also found one peridot. "In other words, I found love," Lapis said, making Peridot's cheeks change color from 99ff6b to 7befab.
Garnet had found rubies and sapphires.
"Heh. Those are very Garnet - like treasures. What about you, Connie?" Peridot asked.
"I found the 7 cities made of gold, ancient mine shafts and all kinds of artifacts. I couldn't fit all of it in my inventory, so I brought a bit of everything: spider silk, bones, green limestone, a saddle, an obsidian broadsword called Stormbringer, a yoyo and an autographed Phil Collins vinyl record. I believe I'm today's champion."
"Not bad, not bad," the adorable, beautiful and humble Peridot admitted. "But let us take a look at my findings: I found diamonds - blue diamonds and yellow diamonds. Naturally, I crafted them into green diamonds. They are the most valuable diamonds in the game. I also seem to have picked up some saplings and seeds (EPIC FORESHADOWING). Strange! But I suppose your Phil Collins record beats my findings."
"Thank you, but..." SPLAT
Peridot smacked herself on the head dramatically. "Oh, but I have forgotten someone, haven't I? Pearl! Pearl, 3 Peaaarl~, what have you found~?" she asked in a mock friendly tone.
"Never mind. I accept my defeat," Pearl said.
"Aww, come on, P, you gotta show us what you found!" Amethyst begged.
"Fine... Well, even after spending more than an hour playing this game, all I found was poop."
And so it was that even though Peridot placed second (2nd), she was the best gem ever made. (Also, everyone praised her for letting Connie win. Except Connie, who insisted that she had simply won, period.)
Long live Peridot!
ENDUT!
HOCH HECH!
'
-o-
Pearl was scrolling the strange text up and down by (ab)using the mousewheel (she had connected a mouse to Peridot's laptop, because touchpads are a pain in the butt), trying to make some sense of the story flashing in front of her eyes.
Peridot had left her laptop carelessly on the living quarters table, so sccording to Pearl's moral compass (if she even had one) it was only fair that she would stick her nose in Peridot's files. Although Peridot usually carried her iPad with her, she preferred to write longer texts with her laptop while sitting comfortably e.g. on any soft sofa she could find.
Suddenly, Pearl heard the door to gem rooms open. It was Amethyst's door, but Peridot was the first to emerge from the room.
"Hey! What are you doing with my laptop?" she shrieked.
"I'm reading this... fictional story. Is that what this is? Amethyst suggested I read it. Did you happen to write it?"
Peridot wanted to tell Pearl 'No, and I have no idea what it is' and 'May I have my laptop, please?' but instead said:
"EEP!"
I'll be the roundabout
The words will make you out 'n' out...
Can't let a joke go to waste!
-o-
Author's Notes: Spoilers below the wall of text.
So, Peridot wrote a fanfic. Awww! But was this META enough? I better bribe the judges... and so should Peridot. CHECK OUT CHAPTER 4 FOR THE THRILLING CONCLUSION (don't.)
As I was putting finishing touches on this fic, I was listening to "A Symphonic Metal Tribute To Steven Universe" and "Roundabout", two great songs composed by Frédéric Chopin. They can be found on YouTube. Go and check'em already!
Frédéric François Chopin (1 March 1810 – 17 October 1849) was a Polish composer and virtuoso pianist of the Romantic era who wrote primarily for the solo piano. He gained and has maintained renown worldwide as a leading musician of his era, whose "poetic genius was based on a professional technique that was without equal in his generation." (Further reading: Rosen, Charles (1995). The Romantic Generation. Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press. ISBN 978-0-674-77933-4.)
PeeSea (PC) is the best overall gaming platform. However, there are a few problems that gamers need to be aware of, especially in the case if one chooses to be an honest customer. Things aren't cheap, after all. The problems in modern gaming include, but are not limited to: Always online - requirements, political agenda over gameplay - mentality, oppressive, resource hogging and potentially hard drive damaging DRM, "games as a service" - model, lack of community controlled dedicated multiplayer servers, overzealous game moderators, censorship or demonization of player generated content and culture, the eSports "scene" (what a joke), planned obsolescence of hardware, technical limitations owing to multiplatform concept, paid mods, DLC, extra DLC, super DLC, day one DLC and last, but not least, localization of games in order to not offend the "sensibilities of country X" (an euphenism for blatant censorship).
All these and other anti consumer practices are particularly sad when you think about new gamers: it's hard to notice that you're being treated like a dumb moron (well, dumber than before) by the Current Year(tm) AAA game industry if that's all you've ever known. Minecraft is by no means a perfect game in any way, but it doesn't suffer from most of the aforementioned crap (I think). (And that wasn't product placement.)
F. Nietzsche Day Freestyle Fanfic Competition 2018 ends in 3 days. I'm going to win it.
Next: Chapter 2. It's something completely different.
And now for the spoilers:
LARS WAS PINK DIAMOND ALL ALONG! Yes, it's true. Forget what you've known about this series. Pink D isn't Lion or Steven. The next Steven bomb will reveal that Lars is the reincarnation of Pink Diamond. It explains why he doesn't feel comfortable in his own skin and the real reason why Emerald couldn't destroy him; she knows. When Steven resurrected Lars on Homeworld, he kind of atoned for killing him/her when he was Rose - very deep and symbolic! There will be a peaceful resolution to the epic saga once the remaining Diamonds realize what happened and who Lars really is.
That's the end of spoilers.