I'M NOT GAY EITHER!

by cutemonic fox

First it was I am not gay, as told by Roy Mustang, Now its Ed's turn to put his point across to his fans.

I AM NOT GAY EITHER!

Dear fans,

You know that idiot Mustang? Of course you do, during his 'I'm not gay' speech he accidentally sent me an email about that gay fanfic crap! I had no idea what that wet match was talking about at first until I looked up fanfic on Google and I found so I clicked it. I was lost for minute because there were so many things I had to press. But I finally found Fullmetal alchemist. I have one thing to say. I hate you people with the passion of Christ! Now I see what that bastard was bickering and whining about now!

First thing, what the fuck is up with the EdxAl? You sick fucks! He's my brother! Jesus Christ have you ever thought just for one second that maybe I'm not gay! My brother? Think about it, How in the hell do you have sex with a trash can? The horn on his head or something? What the hell! Also I'm not bitchy like that bastard told you I just have certain needs. So there.

I felt like breaking my computer when I saw you put me with that stupid ugly piece of shit Mustang! In all honestly he fucks everything that moves so he doesn't need me! Even though some stories are kind of kink…..bad Ed! Bad Ed! Me and my damn young teenage hormones! But anyway it wouldn't work.

Another thing EdxWinry, those made me laugh, you know why? I wouldn't want to kiss that hot-headed bitchy grease monkey! I have you seen her with the camera's off she acts bubbly and weird and she so prissy she can't stand acting like a mechanic! I mean in the series she's always working with auto mail and getting dirty, in real-life she won't even touch a freaking wrench or even go near it.

Also why is it that I am fucking every single person in the series EdxAl, EdxRoy, EdxRiza, EdxRose, EdxWinry, EdxHavoc, EdxEnvy! I know I'm the main character, but damn! I'm like a hoe on fan fiction I sleep with everybody I see or talk too!

Speaking of EdxEnvy. No. That's all have to say. No. The word EdxEnvy speaks it all read Roy's letter and it will explain how I feel about that pairing, I feel the same way he feels.

Ugh…Mary Sue's, another problem, you girls are making me fall in love with your Mary Sue that seems perfect for me and blah-blah-blah. Shut up. Mary Sue's are the retarded ground beatings of disappointment. Some Mary Sue's are good, I must admit some are good because they have details and works up to be better, but the Mary Sue's I can't stand is this:

Example: Her name was blank and she was married to Edward Elric

Or

When I walked into the room his eye's gleamed with delight I didn't know what he was thinking but he had that look that said 'she's mine'

I like to know a girl better before I go up to the next level, put more effort in your stories like that and I might give you a little credit for accuracy. I guess I put my point out there pretty clearly, so you understand.

So thanks for listening to my rant, even though I know some of you are REALLY pissed and ready to beat me brutally, you'll be alright

Love, from your sexy shrimp, Ed Elric

p.s. I don't mind being called a shrimp or a bean in real life because I know I'm short but on the series they make me go off and hurt people, I really don't care what you say about my height in real life. I really don't.