Given that I'm a prolific consumer of Chuck fan fiction, I assumed that for better or worse I should provide my own feeble contribution to the medium. Feel free to either pan or applaud. In the first case, I will consider my work done and revert to a pure consumer of fiction. In the other, I may feel tempted to write additional stories at a later date, but offer no guarantees. This is pretty much pure fluff, and is a meta fiction. The characters stay mostly in character, but realize they're part of a TV show.
"Hi, my name is Charles Bartow…"
Carina's voice interjects playfully, "Oh come on Chuckie, let me do the voice over. You did it the last two seasons." Her voice takes on a deeper, sultrier tone as she continues, "Give your voice a rest for a few minutes and I'll guarantee you won't be getting any rest for the remainder of the night."
"Uh…Still not interested and still very, very intimidated." Chucks voice rises to a crescendo and cracks. "Besides, Sarah and I had a discussion after the whole Jill incident and well, you've seen how she is with knives, and there are certain parts of my anatomy that I'm quite attached to and I hope to keep it that way," Chuck babbled.
"OK, Chuckie. Just remember you forced me to do this," Carina purrs.
"Carina, why are you unbuttoning your blouse? Oh my God, you're shirtless."
"Like what you see, Chuck?" Carina's voice is silky and taunting. The clear sound of a zipper briefly interrupts. "Lucky for you I'm actually wearing underwear today. So, are you going to let me do the intro, or do I have to remove my bra? Of course, you could remove it for me. That's what I'll say happened if Sarah asks."
Chuck sighs in defeat. "OK Carina, it's all yours. Just try to keep it PG, there are children watching."
"Ooooh. Thanks, Chuckie. I knew you'd come through for me," Carina coos as if she were 12 and her father had just bought her a pony. "You know, this doesn't have to be the only time today you…"
"Umm, Carina. You can let go now…and just for the record; still not interested."
"Chuck, you're so cute when you blush. Does everything turn that shade of red?"
"Hi, my name is Carina Hansen, well not really, but you can call me Carina anyway. I'm a super sexy, super talented, super tough DEA agent who spends most of her time keeping drugs out of the country and off the streets. I infiltrate, seduce, occasionally even kill in the line of duty, and you should see what I can do with a golf ball."
"Carina!"
"Quiet Chuck, you're crimping my style. Anyway, I'm more of a hot-blooded temptress than a cold-blooded killer and on occasion I show up to provide team Chuck with a critically needed dose of sex and excitement. It's practically a morgue around here without me."
"Oh come on. You're being stalked by Casey's bigger, meaner, more weapon obsessed twin."
"Chuck, stop interrupting me or the panties come off. Speaking of cold-blooded stiffs, this is John Casey. He's NSA and sure he might look scary, but behind his harsh features, chiseled jaw and large, muscular physique there's a sugar bear desperately trying to claw his way out."
The growl of a large woodland creature can be heard in the background.
"Oh, hi Casey, I didn't notice you come in… Sure he may look tough, but the reality is that he's a complete pushover for any woman in underwear, lingerie, or even a two piece bathing suit. Flash a bra strap and his pants and tongue will hit the floor within 10 seconds. After that, he's yours to do with as you please. I remember this one time in Prague…"
"Carina, I'm warning you. Say one more word and I'll…"
"You'll what, John?" Carina replies in a sweet come hither voice.
"I'll, Uhh…"
"Don't be shy John, this time I'll give you everything you ever wanted. I can't deny myself any longer." The muffled sound of jeans hitting the floor is followed in turn by the creaking of bed springs, the click of hand cuffs and a bellow of rage.
"Casey, you're just too easy. It wouldn't even be fun if it weren't for your eclectic taste in drawers."
"Wait, are those Scooby Doo boxers? Carina, is Casey wearing intimate apparel depicting characters from a show about a bunch of teenage hippies who run around getting stoned in a van with their Great Dane?" Chuck manages to choke out in his excitement.
"Yeah, Chuckie. It's definitely Scooby Doo, and I think Shaggy too. Who would have thought Casey would be interested in keeping men so close to his little Johnny? They're kinda cute though, a definite improvement over the four leaf clovers. At least Shaggy got lucky."
"Bartowski, you take that picture and you'll be crapping cell phone components for the rest of your unnaturally shortened life."
"Don't worry Chuck," Carina laughs, "I'll send you a copy of mine." She lowers her voice to conspiratorial whisper, "In Prague, well let's just say Beckman wasn't the only woman Casey saluted while cuffed to a bed with his pants down. I got the intelligence and Casey and his scotch bottle boxers became a legend in the global intelligence community."
"Then there's Sarah Walker. Oh, I know. Believe me. Chuck's certainly not her only asset. She may be the CIA's best, a lethal seductress with an angel's body, but she has another secret. She wants to do things to a certain nerd with molten chocolate eyes that would make even me blush. I'm not saying I wouldn't watch, or participate if asked, but let's just say Sarah's quite creative in whatever position she might find herself."
Casey grunts loudly and snickers. "Oh come on, you mean Walker wants to dip her strawberries in Bartowsk's whipped cream? Next you'll be telling me the sun rises in the east and Reagan was the best president since Washington. The moron's probably the only person who doesn't know there's a stick Sarah would rather handle than her Porsche's."
"Wait, are you two saying that Sarah has real feelings for me?" Chuck rasps.
"Honestly Bartowski, are chipmunks using the empty space in your noggin to store acorns?"
"Says the man cuffed to the bed clad only in underwear glorifying the recreational use of illicit substances."
"Can you two keep the bickering to a minimum, I'm still on Sarah."
"I know someone who wants to be on Sarah."
"Really Casey, could you be any more juvenile? Chuck and I are strictly professional." Sarah's icy voice pierces the tumult.
"If you were a professional, Chuck would be getting laid and you'd be getting paid a little extra, Walker."
"Trust me Casey; Walker would earn more than a just little extra. Besides, Sarah prefers to do the riding. She's unwilling to give up that measure of control even after a full bottle of some damn fine tequila." Carina releases a sensual moan. "God, that night in Barranquilla was earth shattering even if she'd never let me get on top."
"Carina, I've never been to Columbia," Sarah snaps, her cold and brittle voice drowning out the barely audible sounds of her entrance though the Morgan door.
"So, has Chuck seen that little scar of passion I gave you just below and off center of…"
"Carina," Sarah's voice was capable of flash freezing molten lead.
"Now where was I? "
"You were talking about the worst kept secret since Israel's nuclear weapons program. The brass supposedly doesn't know about that one either."
"Thanks, Johnny Boy. If I were in her position, I'd be letting my asset handle me pretty much every night, more if I really needed him to stay in the van the next day. If he can't walk, he isn't going anywhere. People have a habit of getting dead in this business, so if I see someone or something I want, I…"
"Either mount it, or mount it to your wall," Sarah spits out.
"I go after it, because I may never get a second chance. Sarah's an emotional train wreck who has dealt with her longing for Chuck by assuming a life of celibacy. Sarah gets her thrills by taking nightly cold showers, kicking the shit out of punching bags and giving out more mixed messages than a nun in a push up bra and spiked heels."
"Carina, how could you possibly know whether I take cold showers? "
"I convinced your hotel manager to shut off your hot water three weeks ago," Carina supplies innocently. "You know he's really quite cute once you get past the bushy eyebrows and the dead weasel he wears on his head."
"The man's over 60 years old and he's married…And I take cold showers to keep my skin from drying out. Some of us prefer to be able to seduce a man while clothed."
"So I'm not the only one who favored the old guy with a once over. Let me guess… a long, heart pounding mission requiring lots of incidental contact with the curly headed object of your stifled affection. Instead of swapping some bodily fluids with Chuck in the nearest supply closet afterwards, you fled in your Porsche, caused a few major traffic accidents and desperately tried to avoid bedding anything that moved once you made it back to the hotel. Tell me if I'm warm here," Carina taunts.
"Heh. About as incidental as the contact between my boot and Chuck's colon if he grows the gonads to actually take that picture. Walker was all over the geek and practically begging him to take a little nibble."
"It's nerd, Casey and we were defusing a bomb!" Sarah's voice rises to a shrill screech.
"Defusing, right. Looked more like you were trying to deflower Bartowski."
"Casey I think we've firmly established that I have in fact had intercourse. I'm good to go in that department."
"Nice job bringing up your little harem of brunettes, numb nuts."
"Remember our little discussion, Chuck. Next time I'm not using a crowbar to pry off your brown haired bimbo of the week; I'm severing the connection with a knife and beating her with the crowbar until she's a natural redhead." Sarah hisses.
"Wait, are saying that Chuckie actually cheated on you?" Carina's voice oozes surprise and excitement.
"Actually he broke his twig and berries out of the velvet lined chest Walker keeps them in and dumped her…again several weeks before overloading the audio feed on the surveillance devices in his bedroom.
Jill may have been a traitorous fulcrum agent, but I'm pretty certain the orgasms were real. What do you think, Walker?"
"I think Ilsa's going to find out about Sugar Bear's crush on a certain Subway girl and receive a packet of photographs detailing the embarrassing lengths he'll go to in order to bag a red head. "
"So Chuck's a double threat, a good guy and a good lay? Now I want him even more."
"Well, Jill certainly didn't enjoy the last time he screwed her. Preventing her from redecorating the break room with Walker's brains was probably a deal breaker. Cuffing her to the steering wheel of a nerd herder, then dumping her and letting the government have its way with her probably insured there would be no future booty calls."
This sound of a sharp, painful sounding smack can be heard. "Damn it Carina, what was that for?"
"Letting your emotional constipation nearly get yourself and Chuck killed."
"It wasn't Sarah's fault. It's not as though she forced me to jump in bed with my ex girlfriend cum Fulcrum agent."
"Oh Chuckie, your naivety is so cute. Sarah's your handler. If your brunette fetish endangers the mission it's her job to dye her hair and ask you what position and how often."
"Chuck deserved something real."
"What the hell or are you, foam rubber? Well maybe parts of you are, but…"
Sarah clears her throat. "Honestly Carina, you're worse than the teenage boys at the Orange Orange. You know those are real."
"Finally copping to our tryst in Columbia, Sarah?"
"No, just admitting that you're a little handsy and copped a feel."
"Any possibility we can finish the opening before the first commercial break? Schwartz is going to kill me."
"Don't worry Chuck, either Joshie leaves you alone or I'll be forced to show his wife the pictures of him, me, a cucumber and that sweet little burro in Guadalajara."
"Eww. That's just wrong, Carina. The man looks like a burn victim," Sarah chokes out with the accompanying sound of retching.
"One of the reasons I needed the cucumber and sometimes feel sorry for that burro."
"Maybe we should buy the brainiac a burro. It's probably the only piece of ass he'd get all year and it might keep Sarah from gutting a few innocent brunettes."
"Just for the record, I'm even less interested in a Burro than I am in Carina. Plus there's no way the ASPCA is going to stand for something like that."
"Oh Chuck, I knew you wanted me. You know, I have a set of wigs in my car. I could be a brunette for you, Chuck…or maybe even a blond?" Carina's voice is a sultry smile. "I could pretend to be Sarah, but I'd actually put out after you put in the work. And don't worry Chuckie, I would make certain you enjoyed every minute of it."
"Carina, grind against Chuck one more time and I swear…"
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Brunette or not you'll bash my head in with a crowbar. Out of professional curiosity, how exactly did you manage to conceal that in a pair of khaki shorts and a tank top?"
"Just…finish…the…intro…Carina."
"And this is Chuck. Sure he may not look like much."
"Well that's just rude."
"Chuuuck."
"Right, shutting up now."
"But I find him cutish and downright adorkable. Besides if those warm eyes, soft curls and inviting smile are enough to get a certain CIA femme fatale all hot and bothered, that's enough to make him practically irresistible. He supposedly has a big brain, but I'm not exactly certain what he does that merits two of the top agents from different agencies as bodyguards, and I suspect the answer is above my pay grade. He saves the world, or his little corner of it on nearly a daily basis, but his sister still thinks he's a loser wasting his life away at an electronics store. He's dating a super hot yogurt serving CIA agent, but she wants to keep the relationship a farce. Ironically, his friends and family think he's letting the best thing that ever happened to him slip through his fingers because he's the one afraid to commit."
"Honestly, Carina. Could you be more depressing?"
"What? I'm just trying to score the guy a little pity sex."
"Well, stop it and wrap things up. That goes for you as well as the monologue."
"Fine. His life is full of danger, excitement, bad guys, spies, snarky one liners, cool technowizardry, hot babes, fast cars, fun and sex, just not between him and Sarah. It's an awesome roller coaster ride. There, are you happy?"
"Actually, I'm feeling a little frustrated. There's just something about you being submissive that makes me long for a reenactment of that night in Barranquilla." Sarah's voice deepens and becomes huskier. "If you behave, I might even let you take a turn on top."
"Really?"
"Mmm hmm, but only if you're really good."
"Sarah, you know I never disappoint." Carina utters breathlessly.
"Chuck's faltering voice interrupts the creaking of the bed springs and the rustling of sheets. "Um, guys. I'm not really sure if I'm OK with this. I mean, what if Awesome or Ellie walks in?"
"Bartowski, don't make me revoke your man card. If someone comes in, you ask them to make popcorn and bring beer."
The sound of a second pair of handcuffs being secured to the bed intervenes. "I hope you were taking notes, Carina, "Sarah says lightly. "Because that's how it's done without exposing yourself."
"Oh, I don't know. I got a fairly breathtaking view of your peaks and valley," Carina retorts coyly.
"Walker, I swear."
"Casey, you should realize by now that you can't cow me with threats against my manhood like you do with Chuck. If you haven't noticed you're the one strapped to the bed and I'm the one with a brace of throwing knives strapped to her thigh. Now hold still, this is definitely a candidate for my holiday calendar."
"Relax, Johnny boy. At least you have company this time. Smile pretty for the camera."
"Carina, you are such a ham…And Casey if you force me to take a second picture, you forfeit both little birdies and one member of the Mystery Machine gang."
"Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I have a sudden craving for frozen yogurt." Sarah can be heard exiting through the Morgan door.
"Chuck, are you coming?"
"You want me to go with?"
"Well, you are the only other person not cuffed to a piece of bedroom furniture."
Chuck can be heard loudly exiting the Morgan door, followed by the impact of a body hitting the ground outside the window.
"Chuck, are you OK?"
"Umm, just fine, Sarah...Better than fine actually. Do you think I could get some cookies and cream yogurt," Chuck prattles eagerly.
"Chuck, you can have whatever flavor you want as long as you eat it off of me and not out of a bowl," Sarah deadpans.
"Does that mean I can have chocolate ras…wait, what did you just say?"
"Afterwords we can talk about who gets to do the voice over in season 4."