A/N: Sierra (Fierce) here! I think you can tell that there's a pattern forming in our collabs XD.
Obviously this is a spoof of every horrid Harry Potter/any other fandom crossover that we've been forced to endure.
Enjoy.
Disclaimer: When Harry grows a pair.
The Replacements
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In light of recent events (e.g: the war) in which pretty much all interesting characters have been ganked we have decided to turn back the clocks (We're authors, we're omni-powerful; we can do that. Deal with it) and replace all your favorite and not-so-favorite characters with new and improved better ones!
Enjoy.
Or else.
X-x-X
Ah Hogwarts. The epitome of how the perfect school should run; Everything in tip top shape, something different everyday, background checks on teachers than may or may not have criminal records and the occasional basilisk that might swallow up a kid or two.
No biggee.
It is without a doubt the number one choice for families of all walks of life to send their child.
It's also the site for the Dark Lord's newest Evil and positively diabolical plan.
"But first....fetch me some tea, Slave!" He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named threw a shoe at his nearest kneeling death eater. And the lucky loser was............Yammy. Sucker.
"Who are you to command my followers!" The bald man appeared beside the illusionist and hissed.
"I'm your replacement," Aizen smirked, "You're old news buddy."
Voldemort turned what seemed to be a very alarming shade of purple. That cant be good for his health. "I am the Dark Lord of the Wizarding World! You should be kneeling at my feet knave!" What a mouthful to say after temporarily losing all communicative skills.
"Moldywart or whatever your name is; you've had your chance and some all powerful wizard you turned out to me. Foiled by the likes of first an infant then a seventeen year old boy and his two sidekicks."
"Says the man who got jerked by a fifteen year old human boy and a midget."
"Oh burn," Grimmjow supplied, rather unhelpfully.
X-x-X
Yes indeed, these mighty villains' plot can unfold at any moment. The protectors of the school; the great heroes, must be ready.
"Is this thing on?" sixth year Kurosaki Ichigo pointed the stick at his eye, looking for the scotch he'd tried to conjure.
No such luck.
"Put that thing down, you're going to poke your eye out." Kuchiki Rukia, seventh year and head girl instructed, gliding through the common room, nose in a book, up the stairs to the girls' dormitories.
"No I wo-GAH!" Streamers suddenly erupted from the end, hitting him in the eye, going down his throat and up his nose. How that happened is a complete mystery.
"I think it's defective." the boy sulked.
"I think you're defective." Renji grunted.
"Shut up."
X-x-X
The rather bewildered, nameless extras of the wizarding world lined up in sheer animalistic terror as they stared in horror at their new DADA teacher…
Or should they say teachers.
Seeing as there were two of them and one of them pretty much counted for about 3 different people in himself.
"Yo!" the shorter, more human looking one announced, pulling out a fan from mid air and fluttering it rather femininely in front of his face.
"Good morn-"
"Alright maggots listen up!" barked the tank like one, interrupting their routine reply "None of this namby-pamby wishy-washy twig waving shit! You're going to learn how to defend yourselves or die trying you ignorant brats!"
Several first years fainted in horror.
"You have 10 seconds before I release Urahara! 1, 2…10!" there was a brief pause as the students all turned to flee…
The court yard promptly exploded.
No survivors have been found…
Nor have the teachers but there is brief suspicion regarding a black cat and illegal experimentation...
X-x-X
In the history of Hogwarts there have been many who ruled as headmasters and mistresses. Some were beloved, others hated, others not completely understood. Others cracked from the pressure and were sent to St-Mungo's.
Details, details.
The current head stands individually above the others, different and unique in their own right.
Matsumoto Rangiku is that headmistress.
Fear her. Grawr.
"Neh, Deputy Headmaster Hitsugaya," she drawled, playing with her hair lazily as she sat at her desk pretending she didnt have the words '-shit faced-' written backwards in black ink across her cheek from falling asleep again. "Why can't we serve alchohol at dinner? It would be a wonderful treat to have at the end of the day."
The poor transfiguration teacher's eyebrow ticked dangerously close to his hairline. "Because," twitch, "Head," double twitch, "Mistress," deep breath, "These children are nearly all underage."
"What's your point?" He yanked his hair a bit and cried a little on the inside.
He'd be bald by the time he retired.
X-x-X
Oh you may not think I'm pretty,
But don't judge what you see,
I'll eat myself if you can find,
A smarter hat than me.
"Is…is that hat singing?"
"Hmmm fascinating!"
"Perhaps we should acquire it Mayuri-sama"
"Indeed. Indeed. We need to move stealthily so as not to attract attention…"
"Yes Mayuri-sama"
"On the count of 3. 1…2…3! Now! Bankai!"
There was an almighty explosion, dust and wreckage rained from the ceiling and walls, people screamed in agony from the sheer unexpected force of the attack, the new faculty members simply moved their dinner out the way of the debris.
Perfectly used to this kinda shizz.
"Did we get it?"
"I can't see Mayrui-sama…"
"Did anyone notice us get it?"
"Of course not Mayuri-sama…"
The giant mutant caterpillar baby thing crawled stealithily through a giant hole in the wall…
The basilisk did not see that one coming.
X-x-X
The boy on the hospital bed twitched in terror, not even daring to breathe too loudly in the off chance that she might be listening…
Ever so carefully he crept off the bed, making his way across the stone floor to the door.
He was inches away when-
"Oh my…do we have a problem young man?" the sickeningly sweet voice of the new matron was like a block of ice to the system.
"…well…I was erm…I was erm…just trying to erm…" her smile became frozen in place; the boy promptly released all his bodily fluids into a messy pile on the floor.
With a sadistic giggle she turned to face the rest of her patients – drawing back the curtain to the next bed.
"Hi!"
"Isshin…" Unohana muttered "what on earth did you do to your head…"
"Apparently these things are all the rage!" the fully grown man squeezed into the first year uniform exclaimed with glee. A elated grin on his face.
"…Lightning scars Isshin…not Light scars…"
"What! You mean I carved 'Kira' into my forehead for nothing?!"
X-x-X
"What kind of school is this?"
"The teachers are all completely insane I tell you!"
"I mean I didnt expect the divination teacher to be the brightest crayon in the box but this is ridiculous."
"What did you say?" Grit out a menacing voice, ceasing the students' whispered class discussion.
"Well Sensei," Ichigo lazily raised his hand while pushing up the annoying glasses that would better suit Uryu, "You're looking at porn in your Chrystal ball."
"It is not porn!" Soi Fon denied, "It is the artful cinematic adventure that is Yoruichi-sama taking a shower!"
X-x-X
Quidditch.
The most sacred of all sporting events in Hogwarts history.
The very name can send jolts of excitement through the body…
So why-
"Die Shinigami scum!"
Did it turn out-
"You'll have to hit me first quincy pansy!"
Like this?
"Oh I will!"
Arrows rained from the sky, stands were left in smouldering ruin, brooms were abandoned and craters the size of dragons could be seen in any direction.
Students screamed in fear as another blast of energy came there way.
"Do something ref!" screamed one of them, the referee raised an eyebrow slightly.
"Isn't this how the game is supposed to be played?" Ukitake mumbled a confused look on his face. This was how sporting events went in soul society anyway…
"Look out!"another student screamed as both bludgers fled wildly for safety in the crowd.
"I'm positive you aren't meant to use a bat for that Ishida!" Ukitake called out "and Ichigo try and leave at least one goal post standing! Without throwing students through it preferably! Thank you!"
There was a grunt of agreement from the two participants.
There were originally more but Hichigo massacred them within the first few minutes…
That and some of them had common sense.
X-x-X
A black cat slinked into the transfiguration classroom and hopped up on the desk to stare silently at her class.
"Finally," a red haired boy muttered, "A normal class. Proffessor McGonagall hasnt been replaced!"
"Wrong on both accounts my pretties!" cackled the cat before a puff of grey smoke envelloped her. All the students leaned forward in their chairs, awaiting with baited breath what would emerge.
A very pretty, very purple haired and very naked Yoruichi is what (or rather who) was sitting cross legged on the desk when the smoke cleared. "Today we're going to learn body part transfiguration! How to reduce and enlarge certain parts of your anatomy or change them alllllll together!" She grinned widely, "Ichigo, why dont you come to the front of the class and I'll demonstrate on you."
He didnt answer.
He had promptly fainted.
Along with the rest of the males in the classroom.
She looked down at herself, "Oh right, his Boobphobia." she shook her head, "And I was just going to enlarge his nose or something."
The woman looked around and sighed, "Bunch of perverts."
X-x-X
"Beautiful! It's so incredibly beautiful!"
The students (any that were lucky enough to be still alive that is) all began to simultaneously develop very prominent twitches in their right eyes.
"Who out of you ugly bunch of people is next!" exclaimed the groundskeeper, the poor sap that had just been made 'beautiful' had a very hard time trying not to burst into tears.
"Mr Yumichika…" one of the children croaked "why did you just assault poor Bob's eyebrows…?"
"Silence!"
X-x-X
"I changed my mind."
"What?" the white skinned man growled dangerously.
"The castle isn't worth taking over."
"That school," Voldemort stressed every syllable, "Is the home of over a thousand students, some of which will grow up to be extremely powerful witches and wizards. It is home of the strongest witches and wizards of several generations. Why not?"
"Because I know those morons that took over and they're just a bunch of idiots."
"I think we should try Shibusen then." Grimmjow supplied again, rather unhelpfully.
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Boom! And that was an incredibly subtle hint at the end there xD (Read Soul Eater. Watch it. Do it. NOW!)
Hope you enjoyed and I hope this teaches you all something. Never. Do. It.
Peace! Pipster.