"She's not going to get any better. The best you can do is make her comfortable."
Emily chose to not believe it. It might have been the slight denials in her head saying that this was all a fucked dream, but hearing the doctors say that while they sat her down in a sterile room was cruel. Her eyes were raw, what else would they be? She felt dehydrated and lonely. Most days were spent at the hospital and sitting next to Naomi's bedside, but it wasn't helping. She slept too much. She looked weaker and weaker each day.
Naomi didn't want to continue the treatment, but Emily insisted. She wasn't alone this time. After much convincing and hand stroking, Naomi agreed. What else did she have to lose? Beside the rest of her hair.
Emily constantly reminded her how beautiful she was, while Naomi joked weakly about how her head resembled and old cock with too many wrinkles. It was nice to hear her laugh; it didn't happen very often. It was enough to make a few more jokes pop out of her memorable smile and rounded blue eyes. With her large draping hat over her thinning face, it somehow made them look even bluer; more lively.
Most days Naomi spent sleeping, while Emily read to her from her photography portfolio or one of her favorite books. She thought she'd share with Naomi, even if she were asleep cuddled under numerous blankets. There had to be some sort of consciousness retaining her words in there. In fact, she knew there was. During one of her many hours reading aloud to her girlfriend, she felt a faint squeeze on her hand once she stopped. Naomi obviously wanted to hear more, which made Emily happy; although, there would always be that stray tear sliding down her cheek thinking it would be the last time.
Emily spent too many days cooped up in the room, but she didn't mind. When Naomi went off for treatment, she stayed and tided up, changed the sheets, brought more flowers in and even decorated the room. She had to make her more comfortable right? How else, besides writing 'I love you more than cheese' in lipstick on the flat mirror next to the bed.
Treatment took extra long this time around. The doctors had warned her this would happen. Longer hours, more tests, which made Emily, feel even more lonely and lost. Be strong. Effy's rasped tone still sat in the back of her mind. She had to; it was all she had left. It was the only thing keeping her going. It was the only thing keeping her from collapsing on the floor every night in tears.
"Ms. Fitch?" Emily swiftly looked up with a sniff and wiped her eyes before she turned around to face the sliding door. A nurse, Naomi's nurse. Her throat closed and she felt it strain under pressure. This was it, this was fucking it. "Ms. Fitch, we'd like to have a word with you."
—-
Sitting in a new sterile room without her girlfriend was odd. Emily didn't know what to expect? What else could they tell her about Naomi's weakening condition that could make this situation any worse? The doctor took too long, long enough for Emily to snap out of irritation. "Why the fuck did you bring me in here? I don't have much time to sit in an office with you," she looked up at the man lowering his glasses. "Sorry," she looked down and rubbed her thumbs onto her raw fingertips.
"This isn't easy to say, Ms. Fitch. Well, Naomi, she's not responding to the treatment, but it's not… getting any worse?" Emily's eyes narrowed and she jutted her head back out of annoyance. "So… what does that mean, exactly?" The doctor scratched his head with his index finger and lingered on a sort of pondering noise. "Well?" She blurted and the doctor lowered his papers.
"I'm not exactly sure. We've had this before but it can go either way. I… don't want to get your hopes up or hers, but, the treatment isn't working; however, it's brought her to a standstill. A… well, limbo if you must say. She's not getting better but she's not getting worse," Emily stared. Great. Was this supposed to be good news or not? Was she supposed to make a decision now? Fuck if she knew. Naomi was the one in trouble, not her. This was bullshit. "Well… you're the doctor, any suggestions?" Her voice hinted annoyance and he caught on. No beating around the bush now.
"We said there weren't other options, but there are. In the States, they have medical testing and proper cancer treatments that could very well work for her, though, it's a long road ahead, but those are your options. Travel and experiment or wait it out here and see what happens?" She didn't like the sound of that. Emily blinked a few times before standing up and pacing. "Does Naomi know about this?" She stopped and the doctor shook his head. "Well, why the fuck not? I'm not her mother; she can make her own decisions. I'm just here to support my dying girlfriend." The doctor nodded. She was right, obviously. "We've gotten in contact with Gina Campbell actually. She's torn; to pieces I might add you. Only, out of the country and on her way here. Possibly will be flying in by tomorrow? She was hysterical."
"We have to tell her. It's her decision, not mine. No matter how much I want her to get better." Emily sunk back into the stiff chair and dug her nails into the dull wood. Decisions, decisions. It was fucking terrible. Deciding what to do with her girlfriend without her permission? Bollocks to that. Naomi deserved to know everything, even if she kept this a secret from Emily for too long. "What sort of treatments do they have in the states, why's it so special there?" Emily crossed her arms. In a second, rattled information poured out in sheets of papers, charts, surveys, and statistics. "Newer drug treatments. Experimental medications that involve new human testing. They've come a long way and Naomi is perfect for these sorts of trials. What else does she have to lose?" Emily shook her head angrily. How did this prick not understand? What did she have to lose? Everything. Herself. Her mind. Her family and friends. Her girlfriend, well, that meant she was being selfish wasn't it?
"You don't get it. She's not an experiment. I'm asking her what she wants to do and that's that. If you don't like it, then we can find another fucking doctor," Emily slid the chair out from under her feet and stormed out of the room. Sure, it was unnecessary but what else was she supposed to do? Naomi was barely conscious enough to speak to most days, unless she had a good cup of tea but then she always vomited.
Emily wandered the halls of the terminal area, breathing in the scent of lost hopes and dreams. Everyone in this wing knew they were dying. They knew their time was coming soon and one of those people included someone she loved too dearly. Emily stopped outside the window, staring through the shades at Naomi. She was curled in a ball, hat on, sleeping as usual. Emily's hand caught her mouth before she could let a gasping sob escape. It felt like this every time. Standing outside this godforsaken window, staring at the love of her life withering away to nothing. "It's not fair," she whispered to herself, wiping her teary eyes. She had so much going for her; so much, and this was how fate decided to take her? After a few breaths and reminders that she needed to be strong, Emily entered the room quietly.
She took her spot on the bed, which Naomi always left open for her since she barely left the hospital. Her fingers brushed back the stray hairs that poked from the end of the fluffed hat. Her mum was coming tomorrow. Katie was as well. Emily still didn't inform her sister on every little detail, but that would wait until the time came. She couldn't spend her time crying over the phone anymore. She could only spend her time here. Next to her girlfriend, lightly touching her pale hand.
"Ems…?" Naomi's voice croaked and she immediately tucked her lips. What if she never heard her voice again? What if she never heard Naomi speak her name like that? Her eyes welled again. Naomi's grip tightened. "Don't fell well," her voice struggled and Emily brushed her hand across her own eyes. No tears, not now. "I know, I know," Emily pressed her forehead against Naomi's. She felt warm again. Emily's breathing shook. "Naoms, the doctors told me something…" Emily waited for a response, which eventually wiggled from her bluish lips. "Am I dying again?" Naomi managed a small laugh. It amazed Emily, how could she still be this way? She admired it, whole-heartedly. Emily touched Naomi's hand again, until her blue eyes opened just a crack. "There's something you should know, something… good. Maybe, it's your decision."