Only…
By Karasu lionna@execpc.com
July 30, 2003
Summing it up: Saffir POV directly to Dimando, yaoi and incest, dark and sad. Saffir looks back on his wish. (It's short, and saying more would sort of give it away?)
Disclaimers apply
Inspired by the one-line challenge on:
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I only wanted you to love me. I only wanted your cool gaze to warm just a miniscule amount so that I knew that you acknowledged me – loved me that tiny bit to take notice. I only wanted a brief murmur of words, whatever they were, in a tone that suggested that you trusted me. I only wanted to stay by your side, giving you all that you could need or want.
I only wanted to love you.
Your gaze was never more than ice, no matter who it was turned upon. Warmth didn't suit you, I suppose, but when your hand rested on my shoulder, I knew you were not cold-blooded. Blood pumped through your body – blood like mine? Strange, we never saw our own blood, yet drew that important essence of life from so many when we traveled to Earth.
It was then that something melted in your eyes, but it was not the gentle warmth I ever expected. When you saw her… I watched you. I saw the fleeting expression – stunned. You hadn't looked that way for a very, very long time. I think I forgot that you showed expressions. Certainly such a perfect man had no need to descend to the levels of the those beneath him. Yet you watched her with awe when your attack unleashed itself and that woman's guardians threw up a spell of their own.
I had never seen you so lost before. I denied the fact, discarded the expression of awe for a momentary illusion by the monitors I watched the proceedings from. You could not be so affected by someone so mortal, so frail? Surely you could not react in such a way towards the enemy? But whose enemy? I knew the details, determined to give you all I could to help on this quest that you introduced, but I didn't grasp the concept of why we were to feel animosity to this planet and its people.
In truth, it wasn't you who brought the plans to the fore, was it? No... I acted too late, my realization slowed by the fretting over your strange reaction to the queen trapped in crystal. You spared your attention to me one day, the look in your eye distant, but not cold, just… focused elsewhere. My heart beat in my throat and I could only listen to your request. "Give me her," you said. "Let me lay my eyes upon her once again."
I could deny you nothing. As you commanded, I set to work. I detailed it all, taking hours on end of time I should have spent researching on the strange member of our own "team." However, nothing less than perfect could be offered to you. Your expression, when you looked at me with those melted glacier eyes, told me exactly how you saw her, what you meant when you said I want to see her. She was a goddess, a being you held far above anything you had ever held dear in your life. I should know, we are only brief years apart in age.
When I gave you her image… Your face. I will never forget your face. Even the days of jealousy and anger that followed were worth it for that expression, directed at me. You glowed, surprise and pleasure trailing out around you and stroking me with its purity. It was ecstasy as your eyes – they burned like a comforting fire – trailed my face. What were you searching for? I don't care, it doesn't matter. It never mattered. Only your gaze. Whatever pleased you… what ever could make you happy I would be willing to give. Anything, anything at all. I am yours.
I only wanted you to love me, but I knew from that moment of awe that I had tried so hard to deny that you had been enchanted by a magical queen who did not understand the full length of her powers. Bewitched, you took to musing over her image – the one I so carefully detailed – and hardly left the image's side. Was she living, breathing? Did I fulfill my task so well that she lived? No… but she was yours that way. You tried to embrace her by bringing her to this barren place, our home, our base, but she could not be subjected by force.
I knew you didn't truly want to, either. Amazing how far love can drive someone, isn't it? The line between obsession and love is so hard to define, to keep your toes to one side or the other. You stood between the two, embracing fantasy and that which seemed could be reality. I understood, no matter how much I couldn't bear your attention focused on her. I understood, because I couldn't tear my eyes off you. Rubeus died, the Ayakashi sisters turned, Esmeraude perished by some trick offered by the Wiseman, but none of that really mattered. Not as long as you still lived, as you still felt. You never showed such passion before, I never sensed it. But why did it have to be her?
Still, I think I know… I understand that love does not produce itself logically. That queen's light was so powerful – is so powerful. So tempting, so delightful, so… warm. I can feel it, from where I'm standing, here in this small crater of pavement, staring up at your betrayed expression. Please, look at me! See me… see through me! My heart, oh gods, my heart aches. My tongue and mouth shape words that must be said, but for once I don't want to relay the priorities, I want to tell you all I've ever thought of.
Onii-sama! Please, please… I understand why you're not so cold anymore, I can feel your heart throbbing gently – like mine. Why didn't I realize our hearts beat in time? Please, let me touch you. Onii-sama…!
But you're too far, and my hands are trembling as I reach skyward. I feel my knees hit the ground, the pain is sharp – we never saw our blood yet we drew it from the innocents. How did it come to this? I only wanted you to love me… Is it all right that I love you? I do… I do…
Your hand, I know it's there, I can barely see it, and the touch is like that of a ghost. You shouldn't touch me now, your beautiful, white clothes will be stained with… Is this it? Is this what our blood looks like? Look, Onii-sama! Look… it's the same as theirs, do you see it? We're the same, we've just been lost in the dark. So long… I'm so jealous of that woman, but her light can guide you before it's too late.
Please, one wish, Tsuki no Hime, grant me one wish. I only ever wanted him to love me, but that will make him sad – just guide him from the shadows. Please… for all of us, guide him away from our doom.
Aishiteru, Onii-sama.
Owari
Aishiteru = I love you
Onii-sama = older brother; "-sama" denotes a high respect
Tsuki no hime = literally moon princess
I finally did it! I wanted to get at least something out for these two, and here it is. Short and bittersweet, rather ideal, IMO. Now I want to huggle the poor boys. (Sniffle)