Disclaimer : FMA isn't mine ! I merely borrow the characters to torture them. Hehe…
Wake
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"We'll say goodbye Lost Heaven
How we longed for Heaven
We're letting go of something we never had
Time goes so fast, Heaven is lost"
"Lost Heaven" by L'Arc-en-Ciel
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Black.
Where… Where am I ?
I can feel a hard cold floor beneath me…
Wait.
Feel ?
I try to move and…
No sound of metal rubbing against metal.
Just the aching of sore muscles.
Ache ? Muscles ?
Right. Calm down, Alphonse Elric. Calm down. There must be a perfectly logical explanation to this. You're a scientist, aren't you ? So observe, interpret and only then you will draw conclusions, ok ?
I slowly open an eye. Yes, an eye. I awake to… a concrete ceiling. Charming… But who cares about the sight ? I can see again. With my own, real eyes. I feel my muscles again. The weight of my body again. My body… I got my body back !
I carefully turn my head to the left. A door. My old suit of armor. The edge of the transmutation circle and… My hand. Not the gauntlet, but my real, flesh-and-bones hand. My hand… I can even move my fingers ! I got my body back AND it still responds !
I can hardly believe it after all these years… I got my body back, but it's too small to contain all the joy that has just born in me. I must let it out, must share it with the one that made this miracle possible…
"BROTHER !"
My voice sounds tired and hoarse, but it still rings delightfully at my ears.
"BROTHER !"
No answer.
"Brother…?"
I turn my head to the right, more frightened then I have been in years. This isn't how it was supposed to happen. I should have awaken to your face. We should be crying tears of joy in each other's arms. Each other's flesh arms. And then we would go back to Resembool and celebrate it with Aunt Pinako and Winry. She said she would make apple pie. I shouldn't feel dread replace joy, I shouldn't be searching for you, afraid to see…
A red liquid. Red Water, perhaps ? No, we didn't use it. So that means…
Blood.
Your blood.
And then, in the shadows…
"BROTHER !"
I akwardly crawl to you, shake you, try to get you to react. I'm probably calling your name, begging you to wake up, but all I hear is a long scream. And you still show no sign of recognition.
Your eyes are open. You look wide awake. Your blood is still warm. So why won't you answer my cry ?
I put my head on your chest and listen to… nothing. Nothing but freezing silence.
I used to like the silence. It meant calm. It meant peace. But this silence is all but calm or peaceful. It's a harsh biting cold that rings at my ears, that, pushes and pulls and rips my chest apart, that paralyzes me, that numbs my neurons. I'm sure it will eventually make my heart stop.
I can feel the warmth of your skin slowly fading away. Is it because of me ? I feel so cold… Has my skin taken your warmth ? Have my lungs taken your breath ? Has my heart taken your life ? I feel so cold… I wish I could give it all back to you. With your warmth by my side, I wouldn't fear the cold. And your steady breath would lull me to sleep.
You lay on your back, staring at the ceiling without seeing it. As if you were waiting. What for ? An angel to take you away ? You don't believe in God nor in any angel. So that can't be it. Why are you ignoring me then ? You look calm, serene even. What have I done ? Tell me, tell me and I promise I'll fix it whatever it is.
But no, you won't tell me.
You keep on staring at the ceiling, oblivious to my agony.
You're not even listening to me, are you ?
You've spent all these years saying you wanted to protect me, so you wouldn't scare me like this on purpose, right ? You wouldn't play such a cruel and stupid joke on me. So if you're not answering, if you're not reacting at all, it means that…
My neurons are trying to start working again, the rational part of me is trying to take over. To will the cold away. No, not yet. I'm not ready. Not yet.
For now, all I know is what my senses indicate me.
The overwhelming, sickening smell of blood… So strong I could almost taste it.
A flash of bright light.
A loud bang. The door must have been opened.
Hushed voices in the distance.
Hands on my shoulders. The voices were not that far away then.
They're trying to take me away from you. I resist, try to escape their grasp. I hear the voices more clearly now. They're telling me to come, that it's over, that I shouldn't stay here. That you're… That you're… Why are they trying to force a knowledge I'm not ready to accept inside my head ? Couldn't they let the hope linger a little longer ?
My rational part must be coming around… I know I'm fighting for a lie, I know reality will hit me soon enough. I know. I KNOW. I'm just asking for a few minutes more…
Who knows ? You could just be unconscious, in shock, struggling to wake up. Maybe all you need is a little time to get over it. Yes, that's it, if I wait a few minutes more, you're going to take a deep breath, blink your eyes, smile, say you're sorry for frightening me and we'll have our happy ending.
Just a few minutes more…
The hands keep pulling and pushing me. The voices keep telling me to let go. I try to get away from them, but then… Then it hits me.
You're… You're…
You… And I am here, safe and sound.
Why ? We checked and double-checked everything. Everything was perfect. So what went wrong ? There's no life without a body of some kind. Is that it ? A life for a body ? Was this the price to pay ? The so-called equivalent exchange ?
I feel so… So cold. So tired. So scared. So desperate. So empty. And yet so full at the same time. Full of tears, of sorrow and grief. Of bitter regret and remorses. Of anger. Anger at you for doing such a foolish thing, for leaving me alone. At myself for not stopping you and not being able to save you. At those hands and those voices. Whose hands and voices are they anyway ? Ah yes… The colonel and his lieutenant. Of course. The colonel must have guessed we were up to something, or he saw the light of the transmutation, and came to see what was going on and his loyal lieutenant followed. Not that I care now anyway…
Someone walks towards you. Havoc, maybe ? I'm not sure, my vision is blurred. Because of the tears that have started falling without me noticing. I don't even bother to try to stop them.
Havoc or not, they lift you up carefully, gently even. Brother, you would never let people carry you around like this. You won't let them, will you ? You're going to wake up, wriggle free and tell them that you're strong enough to walk, and how dare they think otherwise because you're not as tall as them !
But no. No reaction whatsoever. They carry you away, and you do nothingYou look so pale… Have my tears washed away the color of your face ? I try to wipe them at the thought, but to no avail. No reaction. Nothing.
My limbs, my chest, my whole body feels so heavy. I give in to the hands. My last spark of hope has been blown out. It is over, isn't it ? That's was they said. Over, as in "no more impulsive Edward Elric". No more little brother Al trying to calm him down. No more Elric brothers. No more dreams, no more hope to fight for. Over. Totally, absolutely and irremediably over.
Brother, do you remember why I wanted my body back in the first place ? I didn't want to spend any more night alone. You said you wanted to see me smiling again. And we both wanted to be strong enough to protect everyone, and we said we would get our bodies back without anyone else dying. This was the promise we made. It appears to me now that promises are made to be broken, so you won't see me smiling, and I will spend my nights alone. That's irony for you. God, the Almighty, the Truth or whatever there is out there has always had a twisted sense of humor.
But, Brother, I'll make another promise to you. And this one I will not break. I will remember. I won't spend a single day without thinking about you, about what you did for me.
I will remember, and the memories will forever be my lullaby.
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"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time."
Bill Waterson
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I started writting the dark angsty story of "someone not wanting to accept someone else's death" a while ago, then realized it could somehow fit FMA, rewrote it and there it is. Though that's definately not how I want the manga to end !! But I AM weird. And proud of it. Anyway, I'll stop the annoying rambling here. Oh, the brothers did make that promise in chapter 44. And if you've read this far, please take a few more seconds to review /pleading eyes/