Loosely based song-fic. Maura is alone.
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine. Errors are mine.
Please Review, and thanks everyone!
You Said, "I'm Yours," But I Am Alone
I stand here looking up, not down, at the clouds, and wonder if you are seeing what I am. The hollow ground does little to provide comfort or strength, but I'm here. It is strange to be told that you're watching over me from me above but the hallow ground that holds the tombstone with your name is where mourners come to visit. If upon leaving this earth one is always with the living why does a concrete block give the illusion of a place of comfort?
The fresh flowers add a shade of gray to the black & white world I now inhabit. Perhaps it's a change, or perhaps it's an illusion in my mind. I don't want to know. I leave.
It's been exactly nine months, two weeks, three days, and 12 hours since you left. That's how long I've been hallow. A shell of a human being going through the motions of what is now my life. Work, home, sleep, and repeat. I'm on autopilot. If I am numb then I'm okay. If I don't stray I won't break.
Korsak & Frost have tried their hardest to provide companionship and comfort. They've invited me out to places, over for dinner, and Frost even offered to take me shopping. Now that seems odd, but I didn't even register it at the time. After a while the offers stopped. I can't say I blame them. Even Rizzoli dinners stopped-it's not the same.
Our home is silent. The smells of you are long gone, my vivid memories of you walking around or laughing whole heartedly are fading, but your drinks are still here. Come back. Lets have a drink.
You don't. You never do. I know one can't achieve the impossible.
My iPod is a simple pleasure I rarely allow myself anymore. Things are fine until a song plays that reminds me of you, then I quickly turn it off. Needless to say it is off more than on. But tonight I will let the music play. I need to know I am alive.
Two glasses of wine down and the music is still on. The guitar solo starts and I set my wine glass down and prepare to change the song. My hand stops short and I realize this is what I've been wanting: to feel.
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart…
I'm yours
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I remember the day you shared this song with me. You heard it and immediately thought of me and felt it was the perfect way to describe how you felt towards me. It was beautiful, but now it's painful. You're not mine anymore.
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You're the only angel my life
Tears begin their trail down my cheeks, and my hand comes up over my mouth as if to hold in an escaping sob to no avail.
"God dammit, Jane," I whisper to no one as my eyes close, and I finally allow the months of bottled up emotions to fill the hollow being I've become.
The day news came my best friend died
My knees went weak
You saw me cry
I wonder if you saw me cry. I was alone, and I felt alone. Somehow I feel it is life's on going joke directed towards me. By the songs end I am trembling and I wonder if you see this too. I doubt it because I still feel alone.
I finish my third glass of wine and force myself to pull it together. The raw emotions are just below the surface begging to completely release. Small amounts are all I want to handle. I'm done for now, and tomorrow I will go back to the same routine I've done for the past nine months or so. Maura Isles will be back on autopilot, and forever alone.