I was born in 1998. I lived a full and plentiful life, eventually dying at the age of 91. But that wasn't the end, oh, that was only just the beginning. Because after that, after I died, something else happened…

I was born.

46 BC. That was the year I was born. Met some people I never thought I'd meet, had my fun, and was eventually trampled by a stampede of horses and cattle. I died. And then, the next thing I knew, I was born again.

The year was 1-1945—pronounced one-nineteen-forty-five. Not futuristic as you would expect, as those idiots practically acted out exactly what happened in the planet of the apes—minus the apes. The damn fuckers blew it all up. Or at least that's my guess. Who knows what they really did to it? But, I have to say, being a ninja sure as hell's fun. That is, at least until some crazy bitch decides to go all metal on your ass, and gouges your eyes out, before ripping their hand through your stomach, and clocking you on the head.

Not the most pleasant way to die. But, at least it was fun, waking up in England in 2-1979—don't ask what happened to the 1st millennium—you really don't want to know. But growing up to become an exorcist, is definitely something to look forward to—despite all the pain and suffering that comes with. Later on, I died when I was 18 and some dude decided to just go and tear my limbs from my body, like that was a good idea.

Is it just me, or are my deaths just getting more and more gruesome?

Anyway, I have to say it was a bit of a shock when I woke up in Feudal Japan, and found out I was a half demon—something apparently not that uncommon there. Met some cool people, a girl from the future, and ended up falling into a well and breaking my neck.

Well, isn't that a pitiful death for a demon, even if I was only a half demon.

Next thing I knew, I was in 4-2003—don't even ask what happened to the 2nd and 3rd millennium. Anyway, the 420th century was crazy—it was like the future and the past combined into one—full of flying cars, houses you can keep in tiny capsules, martial arts tournaments, aliens, and dinosaurs. Sadly, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my long time good friends, before I fell off a cliff. Honestly, I have no idea where that cliff came from.

Anyway, the next time I awoke, I was all the way back in 18 BC. Saw a creepy scene with some guy calling the other 'my Lord', while the man being called 'Lord', drew crosses on him with his own blood.

Yeah.

Just about died from shock right there.

Died for real only a few minutes later, when I tripped on a dead frog.

Honestly, my deaths went from gruesome, to just plain strange.

Anyway, after that I was reborn, and died, 87 more times, before I finally ended up here. I was reborn—I'd given up saying 'born' a long time ago—into the year 1980. Luckily, I'm in England again, so no need to worry about running into myself—just note to self, no visiting America. I've already got an American accent—nothing to fix that—so if anyone asks, I'm visiting from America, and I just got here.

But that's not even the best part—I just got this letter, and while I've already met demons, ninjas, exorcists, mentals, aliens, and much, much more, never before have I met a wizard.

Oh, this was gunna be fun.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL
OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore
(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)

Dear Mr. Whoshinda,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July.

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress