The Pinter Protocol

by Breakinglight11

After Archer pulls another on the job screwup, Malory can't imagine anything that would make her more furious. That is, until the two of them try to ride down in the elevator and they find themselve trapped in there together. But there's nothing like being locked in a room together to make a dysfunctional family hash out their issues. Takes place during season 4.

Scene 1

EXT. NEW YORK STREET - NIGHT

ARCHER, blindfolded with a trenchcoat and a briefcase, is lead along by GARRETT DECKLAND, an arms dealer.

DECKLAND: Right this way, Mr.…?

ARCHER: Arch—er, Rand— oh… Calrissian!

DECKLAND: Archerando Calrissian?

ARCHER: But you can call me Archer. Jeez, are we still not there? You know, for a gun runner, you're surprisingly weird about guns... and moving fast.

DECKLAND: Sir, we try not to just… loudly throw around words like "guns" and "runner" and "gun runner."

ARCHER: Just take me to your stash already. When I have this much cash on me, it's like hooker can smell me.

DECKLAND: You know, normally I need a little bit more assurance before making a deal. But... you really don't seem like a cop.

ARCHER: I know, right? Who was the last cop you saw who wore shoes this nice?

They duck into a warehouse.

EXT. WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Deckland pulls off Archer's blindfold to reveal rows and rows of automatic weapons hooked up to blocks of C4, ready to burn the evidence if need be.

ARCHER: Nice. Very nice. I especially like the blow and burn.

DECKLAND: I'm a professional. Now, tell me, just how many tinpot dictators were you hoping to overthrow?

Archer pulls out his own gun.

ARCHER: Actually... I think I'll just cripple your operation instead.

Deckland cries out and fumbles for the detonator. Archer shoots the block of C4, consuming a row of weapons in flames. Deckland grabs for his trenchcoat, but Archer spins out of it and sends him sprawling with a roundhouse kick.

ARCHER: Can't believe you fell for that. I mean, I'm the world's most dangerous spy. Who needs guns when your whole body is a deadly weapon?

DECKLAND: What the hell are you doing?

ARCHER: What part of "crippling your operation" don't you understand?

Archer shoots more C4 blocks, and soon the whole warehouse and all its contents are burning.

ARCHER: That'll teach you to supply deadly weapons to people whose crimes aren't government-sanctioned!

He turns to leave.

DECKLAND: Not so fast!

ARCHER: Dude, the building is burning.

DECKLAND: You screwed with the wrong guy! I work for Mantegna- he runs all the heavy weapons in this city, and you screw with him, he's going to hunt you down where you live!

ARCHER: Good luck with that! Since you don't even know who I am.

DECKLAND: Yes, we do. You're Archer. The world's most dangerous spy.

ARCHER: What? I know I have a hell of a reputation—

DECKLAND: You said so. Just now.

ARCHER: Oh.

DECKLAND: And you sure ain't no "Archerando Calrissian."

ARCHER: Shut up! It's a cool name!

Deckland pulls Archer's wallet out of the trenchcoat and looks in it.

DECKLAND: Also, I've got your wallet now. It's got your ID in it.

ARCHER: Just because you know my name doesn't mean you'll ever find me—

DECKLAND: Your driver's license.

He holds up the card.

ARCHER: Just because you know where I live doesn't mean—

DECKLAND: Also you have an employee ID that says "ISIS."

He pulls that out too.

ARCHER: You don't even know what that is!

DECKLAND: No, but an intelligence agency is a pretty good guess. Seeing as you're, well, a spy.

ARCHER: Well, there you go! Good luck figuring out the secure New York location of an agency that specializes in keeping things secret!

DECKLAND: Things like… the identity of its agents?

ARCHER: Duh!

Beat.

ARCHER: Idiot.

OPENING CREDITS