A/N: Heyy, everyone, how's it going? Another requested one-shot is here, this time with our Titan Shifter and our favorite Captain, hope you'll like it! :)
The story is dedicated to Attack on Titan fan NinjaGhostCole123, who requested a story about Eren being plagued by his fear of hurting his loved ones because of his powers and Levi comforting him, hope you'll like it :D
Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe and characters
He's surrounded by debris, blood, corpses and that distinctive smell of death and despair. Voices in the background, crying, yelling, someone is groaning in pain and someone else—he thinks it's Hanji although it's difficult for him to recognize any voice in this mess—is shouting commands here and there. Nothing can move him from his current position, though, curled as he is on the ground, his wrists open wounds that are still bleeding, but the physical pain is something welcome right now; it reminds him of his own uselessness.
And suddenly the scenery around him is blurring and then is taking place again. Now he's in Trost District, swinging through the air with his Maneuver Gear, approaching the gate of Wall Rose, ready to close it and thus trapping all Titans inside the district while preventing more from invading. It will be humanity's first victory and he's feeling as free as a bird, a sudden strength and determination coursing through his veins. He feels powerful, invincible, ready to realize all those expectations the military has from him.
He bites into his wrist and he feels the transformation in every single fiber of his being. A bright light, an explosion and the whole ground shakes as he enters his Titan form. It feels so good and he simply charges forward; the Titan power in him has overwhelmed him right now, like nothing else exists in the world; hell, he has even forgotten all plans right now.
"Eren, please!"
"Eren? Eren, please! Eren, don't—!"
Huh? Who the hell is screaming? The voices barely reach his ears, as if they're coming from far away; nothing can break this irresistible and uncontrollable power that's fogging his mind as he simply charges forward, running through houses, people and Titans, destroying everything in his path.
"Oh, no, Jaeger, you won't! Get a freaking grip on yourself!"
"Eren, come on, please!"
"Eren! Land back to reality, damn it!"
"Eren, please, don't you remember us?"
"Listen here, you suicidal maniac, you won't mess everything up at the last minute!"
"Jaeger, don't force me to take you down!"
The voices become less and less distinctive with every minute that's passing and soon enough he can't even hear what they're saying, muss less who's talking. He can't see anything in front of him right now; there are only shadows and a bright green light in his eyes and he's blindly rushing forward until the voices and screams around him fade into nothingness.
And, in a sudden, it's over as fast as it began. His mind starts clearing and it feels as if he's waking up from a nightmare where he had no control over his body. He opens his eyes and now he's not feeling that extreme power that overwhelmed him not a minute ago; he's feeling exhausted, weak and, at the same time, he has that unmistakable impression that he has done something very bad. Almost unwillingly he takes a look around, opening and closing his eyes to get a grip on himself…but nothing could warn him for the destruction he sees wherever he's looking.
First he sees the buildings, or, at least, what used to be buildings. Right now they're nothing more than dead skeletons of houses, empty shells with missing roofs, walls, with debris littering the streets of the district, like sad remains of a town once filled with life.
And then he sees the bodies. Countless corpses on the ground, on the roofs, anywhere. Bodies of soldiers he doesn't know, of soldiers he didn't bother to know…soldiers with families, friends, loved ones worrying for them night and day.
The bodies of his comrades, his allies, his own friends…hell, his own family. Of those who were children fighting in this war just like him, now fallen victims because of him. Mikasa and Armin, a pile at his left, Mikasa's beautiful black eyes now glassy, without staring at anything, and Armin's face barely recognizable due to the blood. Jean, Connie, Sasha and Marco, fallen under pieces of debris that crushed them in an instant, without their trademark smiles or determination, their once stubborn expressions now masks of horror and despair. Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie, tossed on the rooftop of a building at his right, Reiner over the other two as if he wanted to protect them, just like he protected all of them like an older brother. Ymir and Krista, a bundle at his feet, Krista's sweet face now lifeless and without that caring smile that lightened up everyone's mood.
And then the veterans, the soldiers he admired as a cadet, the soldiers he looked up to and hoped to become as brave as them. Commander Erwin, Squad Leader Hanji, even Captain Levi, Humanity's Strongest…now nothing more than corpses slumped against walls, having sacrificed themselves.
"You did all of this," a voice whispers in his ear, dark and ironic as it laughs sarcastically. "In the end, you're nothing more than a mindless beast. A killing machine that doesn't recognize friend from foe. A monster only destined for destruction, like the very same creatures you fool once swore to eliminate!"
Bathed in sweat, surrounded by darkness and fear, Eren Jaeger jolts up from his sleep.
"Hey, where's Eren?" Mikasa wants to know the next morning as they're eating their breakfast in the mess hall of the castle that serves as the current Headquarters of the Scout Regiment.
Only yesterday the 104th needed to choose the military branch they preferred and she can see that some of them are still trying to accept that they have truly joined the legion with the highest death rate, the legion which constantly engages in combat with Titans. She can see it in Armin's calculating gaze, as if he's trying to predict their next plan, in the way Sasha's playing with her food instead of devouring it, as if her fear has turned her stomach in a knot, in Connie's sullen expression instead of his usually goofy one and in Jean's angry and yet determined gaze, as if he hates the fact that he's here, but he intends to fight until the end. Mikasa knows exactly how much Eren wished to be a member of the Scouts and, after what transpired during his trial, not seeing him with the rest of them causes her a great deal of distress.
"No idea, he was already gone when I woke up." Armin tells her now before turning towards the recruit with which he and Eren share a room. "Hey, Jean, you woke up before me, did you see Eren?"
"Suicidal maniac wasn't there when I woke up either." Jean shrugs as he hides his yawn and ignores the death glare Mikasa throws him at the sound of the nickname. "Out for a walk maybe?"
"Didn't see him outside when I went to the stables to check on my horse." Krista joins the conversation, sighing as she recalls the exact circumstances that have led to her being more comfortable around animals than around people. "Sasha, Connie, did you guys run into him?"
"Nah, didn't see him when I snuck in the kitchen for an early snack." Connie informs the team, receiving glares from Reiner and Ymir for sneaking around from his first night already.
"Maybe he just needed some isolation? I mean, he had a pretty restless sleep, last night—"
"What?!" Mikasa exclaims, cutting Armin off before he can finish his sentence; her raised voice startles the rest of the recruits, Sasha leaves a small yelp and Bertholdt chokes on his milk, making Reiner pat him on the back. "Why didn't you say so from the beginning?"
"Because I didn't think it was something serious, Mikasa, I mean, it's totally normal to have nightmares in these dark times, especially when you're a Titan Shifter that's considered humanity's last hope." Despite the blond's calm voice, no one can ignore the apologetic tone it has; after all, everyone knows how overprotective Mikasa is towards the aforementioned Titan Shifter. Before anyone can speak, though, loud voices can be heard right outside the hall and all conversations cease so they can hear better.
"What do you mean you can't find Eren, Four-Eyes?" Levi's characteristic voice echoes through the closed door and the teenagers exchange concerned looks, since their Captain's short temper is legendary.
"He was supposed to show up in my office so we could talk about the next experiments, but I can't find him anywhere! If you were planning to lock him in the dungeons, you could have told me, Shortie!" Hanji replies; while Mikasa is barely containing her rage at Eren being in the dungeons, Sasha, Connie and Reiner have to suppress their chuckle at the sound of the nickname the scientist has given to the irritable Scout.
"Are you out of your mind, of course I didn't lock him in the dungeon! Jaeger was assigned to share a room with Arlert and Kirstein, why the hell would I imprison him again?"
"I don't know, Levi, but then how do you explain the unlocked door that leads to the dungeons, the torch burning there and the clear sobbing I could hear?"
Mikasa now looks ready to go completely ballistic, as she starts wondering what on earth could render Eren so devastated. Is it maybe an outburst due to everything that has recently transpired? Is it the aftermath of what happened at Trost and how he temporarily lost control? Is it his fear that he won't be able to learn to handle his new powers, resulting to humanity's destruction? She doesn't know and that's what agitates her the most; she wants to help Eren, but how can she help him when she doesn't know what exactly troubles him?
"Alright, alright, keep the recruits in order, they're having their strategy lesson soon. I'll go check what's wrong with the brat." They hear Levi telling Hanji.
"Fine, but remember what we discussed. The boy's under too much stress already, he doesn't need more scolding."
"And what exactly do you think you're doing here, Jaeger?"
Levi's voice sounds powerful, almost dangerous, as it echoes across the corridor that leads to the dungeons, invading Eren's fogged mind and making his ragged breathing cease and become calmer and steadier. He's been in here for hours now, he actually doesn't know how many exactly, curled up against the wall, lost in troublesome thoughts and the Captain's entrance makes everything only worse. To think that Levi and Commander Erwin have risked everything to bring him under the responsibility of the Recon Corps and he constantly lives under the fear of losing control…of hurting those next to him…he can't prevent the shame from overwhelming him and right now he can't even look the older man in the eyes.
"I believe I asked you a question and I'd like an answer sometime today, please," Levi goes on and tries to hide a frustrated sigh, almost regretting coming here himself instead of summoning one of Eren's friends to handle the situation. He knows that Hanji believes that the Titan Shifter doesn't need more pressure, but he doesn't know what else to do, he was never good at comforting and encouraging others with false promises.
He fondly remembers Isabel and Farlan and almost gasps; what the hell are they doing in his memories at this particular hour? Still, he can't stop thinking about Isabel's cheerful smile and Farlan's determined loyalty and he keeps wondering how they would react if they were here now. Surely they would be compassionate and maybe Isabel would try to cheer Eren up by throwing some funny and witty comment at him in an attempt to distract him from his dark thoughts; thoughts someone is pretty much bound to have as a member of the Scouts, whether a veteran or a rookie, because no inspiring pep talks about eliminating all Titans can truly vanish the fear someone feels deep down.
"I-I'm sorry, C-Captain…Y-You've risked everything to save me from the Military Police and I am here…I should be training right now, b-but—"
"Ah, let me guess. You feel like the whole world is weighing on your shoulders, right? Like you'll disappoint everyone's faith in you, that you won't be able to control your powers and that you'll end up a mindless Titan like those we research and kill, am I correct?" Levi interrupts him, his voice steady like iron, without betraying the trail his thoughts have taken. It's the voice he has in his everyday life and which, according to Hanji, 'is so intimidating that it scares off the scariest Titans'; it's the voice of the strict and demanding Captain who expects everything and everyone to be in order.
Eren nods sullenly, still unable to raise his head and face the other man, whose tone makes him feel even guiltier and more useless, as he believes he should be more composed and exercise his new skills instead of allowing the fear for the future overwhelm him like that. But the impression the nightmare has left behind still lingers, eating him inside, not allowing him to gain courage from the usual stubbornness he has whenever it comes down to defeating these humanoid monsters. But what if he ends up like them? What if he does end up a humanoid monster with no intelligence and self-control that will murder all those who matter to him?
"I see. And how exactly will you prove yourself wrong by sitting here and bawling your eyes out like a brat?"
And it's this question, these words that finally make the fifteen-year-old Titan Shifter jolt his head up and meet the Captain's eyes, which are shining like steel in the light of the torch, reminding him of how he brutally beat the living daylights out of him during his trial. His gaze, his expression and his voice betray no emotion at all, they don't hold resentment or anger or even disappointment…the only emotion Eren can detect on Levi right now is pure curiosity, as if his superior is genuinely confused about why he has isolated himself like that.
"Captain Levi, I don't understand…what do you mean?"
"I think I was very clear, Eren. You're afraid of the responsibility you have taken and you're terrified that your shifting powers will defeat you and destroy the human part in you. And what do you do about it? Hm? What do you do to prove to yourself that you're strong enough to concentrate on your mission and handle this newfound skill of yours?"
"Captain, I've sworn my heart to humanity and I've vowed to do everything in my power to serve it. But when I find out that I can turn into one of the creatures that are plaguing humanity, when the vast majority considers me a beast, then I can't help but think that maybe I am humanity's destruction, not its hope. And the dreams...I kill everyone in my dreams...I lose control and mindlessly kill all of them." Eren states, his voice not louder than a whisper, unable as he is to hide his shame for having such thoughts. No matter his determination, there has come a day when he needs to put everything under perspective and after what happened in the battle of Trost, where he attacked and scarred Mikasa, the very same girl he grew up with and who's been with him through thick and thin, the fear of failure is more intense than ever.
"Come on, Jaeger, dreams don't define your true nature and you know that! And by the way, since when do you give a damn about what people think of you, eh? You called the Military Police soldiers cowards the day of your trial, damn it, and you want me to believe that you're sulking like a five-year-old because of what some close-minded idiots say? Stop using stupid excuses for your state." Levi rolls his eyes, now truly agitated. "And even if that's the case, the only thing you're doing right now is proving them right. With this stance the only thing you achieve is giving the impression that you have given up, that you won't even try to develop your abilities and use them for the good of the Recon Corps and humanity itself!
"Why do you think you're under Hanji's responsibility?" he continues, satisfied that the other is listening carefully. "She may be crazy, but she knows about Titans more than anyone here. Your abilities are new for her, but if there's anyone who will help you control it, it's her. And, for God's sake, you have so many people you can rely on if that burden's too much for you, like Arlert and Ackerman. Wasn't Armin the one who helped you get a grip in Trost?"
"He was…"
"Exactly! And Mikasa is ready to wreak havoc upon anyone who wants to see you hurt! And when you feel that the pressure is too much, remember who you truly are, Eren! Not the Titan Shifter or humanity's last hope, but who you truly are and what and who you are fighting for!"
Images appear in Eren's head anew, but right now they're not images that bring him despair. Right now he's thinking about his poor mother, who died so violently in front of his eyes…about all the fear he and his friends have been through…about the day the Colossal Titan breached Wall Rose just when he hoped that humanity's counter-attack had begun…and now his eyes sparkle with determination and anger. Thank God he has this anger back, it's been his motivation ever since he was on the ship that brought him to Trost when Wall Maria fell and he swore to eliminate all Titans in the world.
"I promise you, Captain, I'll do anything in my powers to control the Titan shifting and kill these bastards once and for all!" he hisses right now and, although Levi remains as emotionless as ever, the nod he gives him is a clear enough answer.
"Good! Now get on your feet and get out of here! You need to regain your strength if you want to endure whatever Four-Eyes is planning for you!"
"Eren, are you alright?" Mikasa wants to know a few minutes later when he joins them in the mess hall under the gazes of their comrades who overheard their superiors' disagreement.
"Don't worry, Mikasa, I'm fine. Apparently, I just needed a wake up call."
A/N: Soooo, that was it, guys, another one-shot has come to an end. Hope you liked it and stay tuned, more shall follow, hehe :D