Title: Sort Of (1/1)
Author: dreamingstate47
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: All television shows, books, movies, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work and the characters, events, and settings thereof are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. In particular, the characters, settings and plot of Grey's Anatomy belong to Shonda Rhimes and ABC.
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Summary: Post 7.17 This is How We Do It. The events of the final scene go slightly differently than they did on the show.
Author's Note: Personally, I'm kind of curious what would have happen without the giant life-or-death-situation-shaped band-aid that Grey's is so fond of using to resolve conflicts. This is my take on that. Also, this came out a little bit more angsty than I was intending. Finally, to anyone who's reading "Awakening" there is an update in the works but between school and a kind of hectic personal life, I can't make any promises about when it will be finished.

Thanks to all who read.

* * *

Baby you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you, my love

Baby you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud then flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you, my love
My love's too big for you, my love

And if I was stronger, then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger, then I would leave this show
And if I was stronger, then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Baby you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My love's too big for you, my love
My love's too big for you, my love

- Ingrid Michaelson - "Sort Of"

"Marry me."

The words sprang from Arizona's lips before she'd fully processed them but even as Callie chuckled incredulously, Arizona knew that there was nothing she wanted more. With practiced ease, she pulled the car over to the side of the road. If Arizona Robbins - Type A personality and all - was going to propose spontaneously in the middle of a fight, she at least wanted to be able to devote all of her attention to the conversation.

"Arizona, what-?" Callie started to protest as Arizona put the car in park and shut down the engine.

"Calliope," Arizona said softly, effectively cutting Callie off before she could break into a full on rant. "Just-" She quickly unbuckled her seat belt, and turned as much as the cramped space would allow so that she could face her girlfriend. "Please." She reached forward and gently pried the phone out of Callie's hands and placed it on the dashboard.

With all distractions set aside, Arizona reached for Callie's left hand and held it firmly between her own. With one last deep breath, and the hope that Callie's eyes were wide with surprise and not fear, Arizona dove right in. "Calliope, I love you more than... anything. But I want more. I want commitments, I want rings. So... marry me."

Her speech complete, and with nothing left to do but wait for an answer, Arizona let out a shaky breath. She had delivered more than her fair share of soul-baring speeches over the course of their relationship but none of them had left her feeling anywhere near as exposed as she did at this moment. And the fact that Callie's face wasn't breaking into a euphoric smile but instead held an expression of apology and discomfort gave Arizona her answer before Callie even spoke.

"Arizona, I... No." The word was spoken calmly, gently. Simply. There was no anger or malice. Callie just... didn't want to marry her.

Shit.

"Oh," Arizona answered just as simply, trying to make it seem as if it didn't really matter. As if they had just disagreed on dinner plans or which movie to watch. "Okay."

But it mattered.

She dropped Callie's hand and turned in her seat so she was facing forward, tightly gripping the steering wheel. Ten and two o'clock. Just like her father taught her. "Um." She cleared her throat in an attempt to cover up the waver in her voice and squinted her eyes a little to fight back tears.

What now?

She swallowed, trying to keep her composure. What was she supposed to do now? There was a reason why Arizona didn't normally do things spontaneously. She was the daughter of a marine. She knew the importance of having a solid plan of attack, of having contingencies and escape routes. And now here she was, trapped in a car in the middle of nowhere, unsure of where to go. Was she supposed to turn around and go back to Seattle? Or should she pretend the past five minutes hadn't happened and continue on to their weekend getaway.

And that was just her immediate dilemma. Arizona couldn't even begin to think about what she should do in the long run.

Arizona gave a little cough. "I don't, um-" but the lump in her throat became too much to speak past and she clamped her mouth shut to stifle a sob.

"Arizona," Callie said softly. Apologetically.

A soft hand landed on Arizona's forearm and the contact was enough to dislodge the tears from her eyes as her head fell forward to rest on the steering wheel. A long shuddering breath escaped from her body as she tried to keep her crying as quiet as possible. She was already humiliated enough; she didn't want to start crying like a baby to make matters worse.

"Arizona," Callie repeated. "Let me expla-"

But she was interrupted as a loud beeping resounded through the car and Arizona looked up to see a red light flashing on Callie's phone from where it sat on the dashboard between them. A sound somewhere between mirthless laughter and a choked sob burst from Arizona's mouth. This was just too much. She felt like she was suffocating. Desperate to escape, she blindly fumbled to open the car door.

"Arizona, wait!"

"Just-" Arizona stumbled out of the car. "I'm sorry. I just... need a minute."

She staggered away from the vehicle, barely managing to slam the door behind her. Leaning heavily on the car, Arizona moved to perch on the back bumper. She rested her elbows on her knees as she cradled her head in her hands. Her attempts to regulate her breathing were completely unsuccessful as great hitching gasps tore from her lungs.

Her mind had gone into overdrive. She had no idea how to navigate this situation. Should she leave Callie? Arizona didn't think she had the strength to walk away again, not from Callie and not from the baby that she had a surprisingly strong attachment to. But could she really go back to being the third wheel in an awkward parenting arrangement? Could she go back knowing that Callie didn't feel as strongly as she did? Could she continue living in this limbo, waiting and hoping for Callie to finally acknowledge their relationship?

Arizona was so lost in thought and focused on trying to regain her composure that she didn't notice that Callie had left the car and was crouching awkwardly in front of her until she felt a hand firmly gripping her knee. "Arizona," Callie said softly. "I'm sorry."

Arizona wiped furiously at her cheeks, trying to remove all evidence of her tears before looking up to meet Callie's gaze. "It's okay." She attempted to put a brave smile on her face but knew that Callie would never buy it. "You're allowed to say no. There's a reason why most people frame it as a question," she joked half-heartedly.

Callie didn't even smile in return. "Arizona," she sighed.

Yep. Definitely not buying it.

Reluctantly accepting that she wouldn't be able to reconstruct a pretty pink bubble of denial, Arizona let the facade fall away. "I honestly don't know what else I can do. I love you so much and I've given you and the baby everything I am. Every single ounce of love that I have is yours but... it's not enough. I'm not enough for you." Unable to maintain eye contact with Callie, she stared down at her hands as if her ineptitude was written on them. "There's nothing I want more than to be with you forever but... If I'm not what you want, I need you to tell me. Because I'm not strong enough to leave you on my own. Not being with you, not being part of this baby's life... it would break me. But I want you to be happy. And if I can't make you happy, if raising this baby with Mark is what you want, I need you to tell me to leave."

When Arizona looked up again she was surprised to see the anger written on Callie's face. "So you're saying, you want my permission to leave?" she accused. "Arizona, if you want out, please, leave now, before the baby gets here."

"No! That's not what I'm saying at all!" Arizona protested heatedly. She opened her mouth to say more but decided that getting into another shouting matching wouldn't help matters. She took a deep breath and then continued, more calmly, "No. No, what I'm asking is whether you even want me. Because you don't act like you do. You won't let me touch you and I keep hoping that you're just self-conscious because you're pregnant and that if I can just convince you that I think you're the most beautiful..." Her breath caught in her chest. "But maybe it's just that you don't want me to touch you. That maybe you'd rather have Mark. Because most of the time you act more like you're with him than you are with me. And... you're traditional. So maybe this whole tri-parenting thing, isn't what you want." She stopped for a moment, making sure she had Callie's full attention before she said the most important part. "I'm not asking for permission to leave. I'm pleading with you, if you're going to end up leaving me so that you can raise the baby with Mark, if you're going to take the baby away from me, that you do it now before I become more attached than I already am."

As Arizona spoke, Callie's eyes went wide with shock. "Arizona, I would never-" Her hands reached out to hold Arizona's. "This is our baby. You're just as much the mother as I am. I would never take him or her away from you. You know that don't you?" Arizona just looked down at their hands. "Don't you?" Callie repeated more urgently.

Arizona let out a long sigh. "Honestly?" Callie gave a small, but firm nod. "Not really. You're the mother. Mark is the father, and won't let anyone forget it. And I'm just the lesbian lover who isn't actually getting any loving. All I have is your word that I'm a parent too and... if we ever broke up or if something ever happened to you, there would be nothing stopping anyone from taking the baby away from me. And if you don't want to marry me," she whispered brokenly, her voice barely audible above the mountain wind, "if you're not sure enough about our relationship to say you want to be with me, how can I be sure that I have a permanent place in the baby's life?"

Callie reached up and brushed a few stray tears from Arizona's cheeks and Arizona instinctively leaned into the touch. "I do want to be with you, Arizona," Callie said softly. "But I'm not going to agree to marry you just because you want to stake your claim. I've lived that story and it doesn't end the way you want it to. We run away to Vegas - or I guess it would be Canada instead - and we get married and for a while we live in a bubble where everything in the world is perfect. But then we come back home and our problems are right there waiting for us."

More tears fell from Arizona's eyes but she was no longer on the verge of hyperventilating. "I'm not George, Calliope," she said softly. "I'm not going to leave you."

"You already did," Callie answered. Her response wasn't spoken angrily as it had been a few short months ago, but rather with a sort of sad acceptance. "You left me in that airport without a job and without a home to return to. And you were gone. I know you don't like how close I am with Mark, but he was there when you weren't, Arizona. I'm not in love with him and I don't want to be with him but he's the only one who's never left me."

A familiar pang of guilt washed through Arizona. Because she had left. After promising that she would never hurt Callie the way that her previous partners had, Arizona had walked away. "I know I did," she said in the same sad tone Callie had used. "I know I did. And I'm so sorry. And I'll spend the rest of my life proving to you that I'll never leave you again. Not willingly."

Tears were now flowing down Callie's face too and her voice cracked as she asked, "How could you do it?"

"I..." Arizona hesitated. "I thought I was doing the right thing." Seeing, Callie open her mouth to object, Arizona rushed on, "I know it didn't seem like it. And I don't expect you to agree or even to understand. I knew that you didn't want to come with me, not really. But I also knew that you would never just stay behind if I asked you to. You had so much that you needed to stay here for. Your cartilage research, which could end up winning you a Harper Avery. And you're the only doctor on the west coast who can perform minimally invasive hip replacements. There were so many opportunities waiting for you if you stayed. And if you had come with me, you would have ended up resenting me and we would never have survived. At least if I left you behind, you wouldn't have given up three years of your career."

"That wasn't your decision to make," Callie said.

"I know. It was a mistake. I should have talked to you about it earlier but all I could think was that I didn't want to let you go. I wanted to be with you. And I was already committed to going. And then I missed you so much, I just couldn't stay away." Arizona reached forward to cup Callie's face in her hands. "If I had met you a couple months earlier, I wouldn't have even applied." Her thumbs ran soothingly along Callie's cheeks. "I'm so sorry."

Callie's eyes fluttered closed and her head fell forward to rest in Arizona's lap. "I know," she whispered. "I wish I could apologize for sleeping with Mark but I can't because I won't apologize for this baby. But I'm sorry that I hurt you."

Arizona's hands ran through Callie's short curls. She couldn't get enough of the new style. "I won't lie and say it didn't sting, and that I wasn't raving mad. I'll even admit that I was jealous. But I can forgive that part. I just need you to start choosing me over him if we're going to make it."

"But he's-"

"The father. I know that. And I respect that. I'm not asking you to automatically take my side in decisions about the baby. I'm asking you to recognize that he's a third of the baby's life, not a third of our life. I know he's your best friend and of course you're still going to spend time together, but there needs to be some boundaries. Like that he only uses his key for emergencies. And that I give my pregnant girlfriend foot rubs. And on romantic weekends for just the two of us, he needs to leave us alone. I'm supposed to be your partner, not him." She gently lifted Callie's head so that they could make eye contact. "The rest of it, I can get used to."

"I'll talk to him," Callie answered. "And we'll set up as much paper work as we can to ensure that you have a place in the baby's life, no matter what happens." A slow, mischievous smile broke out over Callie's face. "Now, I was planning on spending the weekend in bed with my hot girlfriend. Are you still up for that?"

Arizona smiled genuinely, if hesitantly. She was still disappointed that Callie had turned down her proposal, but she recognized that their marriage should be born out of love, not desperation. "That sounds perfect." She leaned down and kissed Callie. "Just what the doctor ordered," she whispered teasingly against her girlfriend's lips.

Arizona stood, her legs feeling strained from supporting her position on the back bumper for so long. "Now let's see if we can get you up off the ground."

Callie groaned as Arizona's helped her to her feet. "How did I manage to get down there without hurting myself?" She twisted a little, stretching out her stiff muscles.

Arizona chuckled. "I'm not sure."

They walked together towards the passenger door and Arizona reached to pull it open for her girlfriend. She was stopped by Callie's hand on her waist pulling her into a kiss. They pressed as close as they could to each other, with nothing but their baby separating them.

Even after Callie pulled back from the kiss, she kept her arms firmly around Arizona's waist. "I do love you. And soon we'll get past all of this." She leaned forward for another soft kiss. "I will marry you one day, Arizona. I just want it to be for the right reasons. The rest of our story hasn't exactly gone according to plan," she gestured vaguely at her protruding belly, "but that part of our story will be perfect. I promise."

For the first time since leaving for Malawi, Arizona's face broke into her trademark super magic smile. Dimples and all.