Ok folks, sorry it's been a while since I last published anything. Life has that habit of getting all crazy on you.
Anyway, I've been watching a lot of Always Sunny lately and got to thinking this is probably a crossover that nobody has done yet, but then again is it a crossover anybody even wants? Anyway, after a great deal of self argument I decided on a one shot. An episode, if you will. So cast aside any reservations about canon and accuracy, and just enjoy a fun story.
It's Always Sparkly in Philadelphia
Edward Cullen walked down the busy street deep in thought. It had been a couple of months now since he had left Forks, for the greater good, of course. Now he wandered along, moving from city to city, observing life and trying to not think of what was back there. Or who.
He would, of course, lie about where he had been when he hooked up with his family. He had the whole thing worked out. He would tell them all he had been up in Alaska with the Denali's. Hell he would even take a detour when he had the chance and ask them to back up his story. He would beg them if he had to. He would prefer not to of course, but if it came to that he would do it. Not that it really mattered, he just wanted to sound like he had been somewhere safe and stable rather than wandering the streets of the cities of America.
He looked up, shaking himself from his thoughts. Where was he anyway? He had travelled mostly by train or bus so as not to be tracked. New York? No. He remembered being there, the constant noise, the people, the sea of thoughts. That was only days ago so he must be close by. Ah, yes, he thought. Philadelphia.
He realised he was in the wrong part of town, run down streets, the type you expect to see undesirables lurking on the street corners. He also decided he was getting a little thirsty. Not for the red stuff. He had recently started drinking more. Mainly Scotch, but he didn't like to limit himself. So much so that the other red stuff was certainly an option if the mood took him, but that didn't end in deaths. The whisky though, was different. Warming. He didn't get drunk but he certainly would feel a small tingle.
All this thinking about it made him decide it was time. He scanned the area and spotted a broken neon sign with a Shamrock leaf flickering. He walked up and opened the door.
4:42PM.
On a Tuesday.
Philadelphia, PA.
"Dammit Frank, are you even listening to me?" Ronald 'Mac' McDonald asked, exasperated. He was moving his arms, animated as ever.
"No." Said Frank Reynolds. "Whats goin on?"
Mac threw his arms in the air. His sleeveless shirt showing off his crappy tattoos. "Jesus Christ Frank, I just laid out my plan to get rich using body guard training videos."
"Oh." Franks face was blank as he took a bite of his sandwich.
"There are a few things I, for one, would love you to clear up" said Dennis Reynolds. Who was perched on a bar stool beside Frank. Mac turned to Dennis, as if he had only just noticed him despite the fact he had been sat there all afternoon. His twin sister Dee busied herself behind the bar, almost as if she had something to tell the guys, but couldn't pick her time.
"What, Dennis. What could you possibly need clearing up?" Mac raised his voice, he was losing Franks attention, and this frustrated him.
"Well, you said the videos would need an experienced bodyguard to run the instructional, and it would need to be someone really buff, right?"
"Uh huh yeah." Mac nodded, eyes wide.
"And I assume you see yourself as that instructor?" Dennis almost seemed to be toying with Mac now.
"Well yeah, I mean who else will do it?" Mac now seemed more smug.
He never got to finish his thought though, because just then the door to Paddy's Irish Pub swung open and a man stepped inside, a man he had never seen before, and this meant he had to perform an ocular pat down. His biggest challenge right now was the bird like squark that came from behind the bar. Jesus Dee. He wasn't that good looking...
Edward took a step into the bar and looked around. Almost directly in front of him was a slightly chubby guy with badly cut off sleeves and a light goatee. He seemed to be staring Edward up and down, and almost looked terrified. At the bar was a short old man with a vacant expression and a half eaten sandwich, and a man who obviously thought he was better than he was. Just from the way he sat. A blonde woman moved uncomfortably behind the bar trying to look uninterested. Otherwise there were a few uninterested bums in the booths on the far wall, but they looked like the only part of life they wanted to deal with was their drink.
Edward opened the gates and let them into his mind.
'Wow. Ok, I don't see a weapon, but how am I supposed to see one. God if he goes off how am I going to stop him, I mean I'm way more buff than him, but he might know kung fu better than me, or, like, a different style or something. And he's hot too.'
His gaze fell upon the younger man at the bar. 'Oh look, another random traveller from the night. I wonder if he has any interesting thoughts or ideas, because these people are killing me. I could really use a good lay tonight. Would it be wrong to have the waitress as a last resort? Probably.'
Next was the old man. 'Holy shit. What the hell was Mac even talking about? That guy drives me crazy. This sandwich is fine though. I wonder what Charlie is doing. He better not be down under the bridge without me. He could find anything down there. Imagine if he found a crate of spam. He might not share it with me. I wish I had some spam. Oh hey, who's this jackass?'
Then his attention turned on the blonde. 'Oh wow. Gotta figure out how to trick this guy into banging me. Gotta do it. Gotta *retch* try *retch* oh god. Need help. Try Artemus? No, she'll steal the guy. Play it cool *retch*'
He leaned on the bar and waited patiently for the woman to take his order. She fumbled around with a glass, thinking all kinds of thoughts. She also seemed to really crave crack for some reason. These bars were goldmines of random thoughts.
As he put the glass to his lips the door burst open and a short bearded guy with a manic high pitched voice bounded into the room. "Eyooo bitches! I got news! Theres Vampires in Philly!"
It seemed this was about to get interesting.
Roll title credits
"Charlie, what are you talking about." Dennis exclaimed. "There are no such thing as vampires. They are made up."
"Woah Dennis, those dicks are real as shit." Stammered Frank. "Way back in the eighties this town was full of em." The rest of the gang gave Frank a disbelieving look. The newcomer watched on in silence.
"Wait a minute Charlie." Mac thought for a moment. "Arn't vampires the ones that get all the chicks?"
"Oh please." Dennis gasped.
"Yeah!" Agreed Charlie. "Like the ones on the movies, with the bandages?"
Mac shook his head. "Charlie thats mummies. Do you even know what a vampire is?"
Before Charlie could answer Frank interjected. "They are those bloodsucking sons of bitches!" He jumped down from his stool, bits of his hoagie falling on the floor. "They draw you in with their good looks and then pow," he clapped his hands together for emphasis "they suck all your blood and you're dead."
"Oh please!" Dennis was far from convinced. "Whatever Charlie heard was either some actors or a crazy on PCP or crack. Where did you even hear this preposterous story?"
Charlie took a moment. "Ah y'know, I was down under the bridge and I just found a huge crate of Spam..."
"I knew it, goddamn it!" Frank yelled.
"...anyway a couple of the guys down there were talking, saying they heard Larry had been found with no blood. Word is the cops think its a vampire, and its not the first attack."
"So, what's your name?" Dee finally spoke, but not to the gang. She directed her words to the stranger. The problem was that during the conversation she had been building her courage by blasting through half a bottle of vodka and about four beers. Now she was slurring her words and trying to prop herself on the bar without much success. "Cos I think you're preddy..." She trailed of as she almost fell to the ground.
He took a sip of his drink, grinning, slightly amused. "The name's Edward." He said to Dee, his voice smooth and quiet. She was almost as drunk on him as she was on the alcohol, and he seemed to find it entertaining. He also furrowed his brow slightly every time he glanced at Charlie, as if he was trying to hear something but not quite catching it.
"So anyway" Charlie said to Mac, "Tell me more about these chicks."
"Oh yeah!" It had come back to him. "Well there are all these movies and shit, right, where they make the vampire dudes all sexy and such, and the chicks, they just can't resist them, you see. So I was thinking, if we wanted to try and get some chicks..."
"Yeah." Charlies though process was long and drawn out. "We could try and be like these guys, and we can get the chicks!"
"Absolutely dude. Do you still have those contacts from when I was the nightman? The cat ones?"
"Yeah sure."
"Cool, lets go!" And with that the two of them left the bar without saying a word to the others.
Frank and Dennis looked at each other grimly. "We gotta put a stop to this vampire bullshit!" Said Frank.
"Yeah we do!" Hissed Dennis, his focus was unnerving."Prove how fake it is."
"Nah Dennis, we have to be careful, these things are real." Dennis scrunched up his face but Frank continued. "You gotta ram a stake through their heart or throw em out in the sunlight."
Now Dennis was interested. "So if we throw them into the sunlight and they are ok?"
"Yeah, then you proved your point and they are fake as shit."
"Ok, I'm in." And with that the two of them headed out the door without so much as a glance backwards.
Meanwhile Dee was draping herself all over Edward who looked both amused and a little concerned. "Don't you think you should lie down?" He asked.
"YOU should lie down!" She slurred.
"Come on, I'll take you home." He said, lifting her off her feet and carrying her out of the bar.
One of the bums in the booths looked up as the door swung closed. Then he turned his attention back to his beer.
Exterior. Under the bridge. Daytime.
Charlie threw his hands into the air. "Well I don't understand it." He said, sounding totally confused. "I mean they said there were a whole bunch of em down here last night."
Mac let out an angry breath, almost a hiss. "God dammit Charlie! Vampires only come out at night dude!"
Realisation spread over Charlies face. "Oh yeah. I guess they would all be asleep now then?"
They both nodded in agreement and left. A bum sitting in a cardboard box looked after them with a bemused expression, while another bum, a skinny guy with a beard, a huge scar and a missing tooth slowly followed them.
Interior. Dennis and Mac's Apartment.
"You see Frank, we have to hunt down these sons of bitches and take them out." Dennis waved a hand as he passed a baseball bat to Frank. "I mean they cannot be allowed to just roam our streets!"
"You're Damn right!" Declared Frank who was wearing Mac's old Hockey helmet and some football pads he had found. His revolver was sticking out of his belt, more obvious than usual. "The last time these jerks took over the city it was a bloodbath! I lost my old friend, Froggy that year!"
Dennis paused for a moment to take in the absurdity of what the old man had just said. No, it was too ridiculous to even consider. He opened his closet. "God dammit! Where in the hell is my duster?" He thought for a second, fury crossing his face like a storm cloud. "Mac!" He seethed. Frank continued to pile anything wooden into the duffel bag, making a cross from two chopsticks.
Exterior. Rainbow Unicorn Nightclub entrance. Night.
"Well I don't see why we're gonna find any vampires here." Charlie said, confusion written all over his face. "And come on man, you look ridiculous."
Mac was not impressed. He had taken great care to get the cat eye contacts in, and he thought the duster looked, as always, awesome. "I look ridiculous?" Mac asked, pointing out what Charlie was wearing. The leather jacket, hat and whip. His white stage face paint just rounded off the crazy look. "I mean you look like Indiana Jones and the Phantom of the Opera had a kid dude."
"Yeah well it was the best I could do man! Anyway why are we here, this looks like a gay club." Indeed a couple of shirtless guys walked past them into the club holding hands.
"Because it's vampire and goth night." Mac replied matt of factly.
"How could you possibly know that?" Charlie asked, growing more confused by the second.
"That's not important, come on." He lead the way in, both men unaware of the gaunt figure stalking them, gently rubbing his beard.
"So, um, have you seen him or not?" A teenage girl with long dark hair and a pained expression asked the doorman. Before he could answer he spotted Mac and Charlie and held out a hand to stop them.
"Hey Mac, sorry you know I have to ID you, just gimme a sec here." He said in a deep voice. Mac respectfully stopped and took a step back, not wanting to break the code of the doorman. Charlie was restless and impatient. The doorman turned back to the girl. "So what does the guy look like?" He asked.
"Um, kinda tall but not too tall, copper coloured hair, crooked smile, pale, kinda, um, beautiful." She almost phrased it like a question.
The doorman's face contorted for a moment. "Yeah, I think I saw him around 3rd and Dickinson. This afternoon. It was kinda a dull afternoon, not sunny at all, which was odd. He looked like he was headed toward some dive bar down there. I was out on my afternoon run, y'know?"
The girl seemed to have rapidly lost interest in the doorman's fitness regime and was nervously fidgeting. "Um, ok, thank you sir." She turned and left, stumbling as she past Mac and Charlie, who looked at each other, thinking. Then the doorman stepped aside to let them past.
As they walked in, guys in capes and goth makeup everywhere, Charlie looked at Mac. "So how come that doorman knew you?" He asked.
Mac thought for a moment, obviously trying to come up with a lie. "Oh, it's the security club, y'know, we all work out and talk shop together."
"Uh huh." Charlie grunted, a disbelieving look on his face. "Y'know, I don't think there are any actual vampires here." A guy came up to him and winked. "Uh, yeah, hi... Um I think we should go."
"Oh man, we just got here, at least lets hit the dance floor, rip off some moves?" Mac was edging closer to the heaving dance floor, his motions becoming more flamboyant.
"Yeahhhh. I'm outta here." Charlie turned and made for the exit leaving Mac to do his thing. As he hit the street he was blissfully unaware of the shadowy figure following him, stalking along in the shadows.
Interior. Dee's apartment.
Edward helped Dee through the door. She was beginning to sober up, but was still pretty out of it. Although given the amount she had drunk at the bar, it was impressive she had managed to walk as much as she had. And the fresh air had helped. Edward had brought her home so as not to leave her vulnerable. Now he was beginning to regret that choice as she dragged him in. He played along, allowing himself to be thrown onto the couch. She went to straddle him in a classic lap dance move, but misjudged it and ended up sprawled on the floor.
"I should get you some coffee." Said Edward his voice soft and suggestive.
"Thats ok, lets have more beer." Slurred Dee, hauling herself onto the couch beside him and copping a feel of his thigh.
"You know what I am, right?" He asked, looking her dead in the eyes. She was transfixed by the gold pools that stared at her. He listened to her thoughts. 'Oh my god, this is the best looking guy i will have ever banged. I hope I dont puke first.' He smiled, part flattered, part grossed out.
"Yeah, you're a babe!" She slurred, resting her chin on his shoulder.
"I'm not like most men." He whispered.
"If..if you're gay, I can turn you straight." She stammered. It was hard to believe she was less drunk now than she had been.
"I'm a vampire." He was deadpan. She thought for a moment. He read the thought. 'Can we still bone?' He shook his head. She knew he had read her mind and answered the question.
"God dammit!" She flopped back and passed out.
Interior. Paddys pub.
Charlie came bursting through the door to find Dennis and Frank sat drinking at the bar, each wearing a bored expression. He walked behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of beer, twisting off the cap and taking a long drink. "What's up with you guys?" He asked.
"Eh, we didn't find any vampires to kill." Frank sounded most annoyed at the lack of killing. "And we was so ready to take them sons o bitches out too." He waved his gun in the air for emphasis. An action that, as always, made the others nervous.
"Yeah." Said Dennis. "Just like I told you, they don't exist." He sipped his own beer with an air of self satisfaction. "Why the hell do you look like some kind of zombie Indiana Jones man?"
Charlie looked himself up and down, remembering the earlier plan. "Oh yeah, this? Turns out Mac was full of shit again. Maybe they went down into the sewers." He continued with his beer, thinking deeply about the sewers.
Just then the door opened and in walked a young girl. Charlie recognised her from the club but chose not to mention it. In any case, he didn't have time because Dennis was already all over her. "Well hi, welcome to Paddys Irish pub." He drooled his own brand of irresistible sleaze. "Can I get you a drink?" He pulled a bottle from the bar and handed it to her.
"Um, thanks but no. I'm looking for a guy."
Dennis laughed. "Well now you found one, I would say." He tried to slip an arm around her waist but she moved away, headed for the stool near Charlie.
"Hey didn't I see you at that club?" She asked.
"What club?" Asked Frank, suspicious.
"Oh, er just some club Mac knows." Charlie replied, scratching his beard nervously. "What brings you all the way out here?" He asked the girl.
"Yes." Dennis extended a hand. "Sorry I didn't catch your name."
She shook his hand quickly. "Bella. Sorry, I come from Washington state, I'm looking for someone who's missing. He disappeared a couple months ago. Tallish, copper colour hair, crooked smile?"
"Oh yeah, he was in here!" Charlie declared before Dennis could stop him. "I bet he'll be back in the morning too." He continued, rambling a little. Much to Dennis' chagrin, she went off with Charlie to the back of the bar to play pool and wait, keeping a wary eye on Dennis.
"God dammit." Dennis sighed.
Exterior establishing shot, Paddy's Pub, morning.
Interior.
The door swung open and Dee walked in looking somewhat worse for wear, which was unsurprising considering how shit faced she had been when they last saw her. She looked around the bar as usual. A couple of bums in the corner, Mac and Dennis arguing, Frank reading the morning paper and Charlie asleep on the pool table. And some girl.
"Oh thank god she's here at last." Mac almost shouted as he jumped to his feet. He had glitter on his shoulders and looked very tired.
"What happened to you last night?" She asked, pointing out his appearance, but it seemed this line of questioning had already worn thin with the rest of them so she let it slide.
"Yeah." Interrupted Dennis. "This girl, this strange girl who is impervious to my powers says she's looking for that guy you were with last night." Dee looked confused. "Did you bang him Dee? Oh my god, did you get so drunk you overcame your gag reflex and scored with that guy?" Suddenly all eyes were on Dee, including Charlie who was now sitting on the pool table.
"Uh, no. We didn't." Dee almost whispered. She saw the girl visibly relax. "What's your name?" She asked in a condescending tone.
"I'm, uh, Bella." She said. "Do you know where he is?"
"Honey, I don't even know if he existed I was so drunk. These boners probably don't even know who you're talking about either."
The girl seemed to deflate. Then the door sprung open and in walked Artemus, squeezed into a catsuit and covered in pale makeup. Frank instantly took notice. "What the shit are you dressed like that for?" He asked.
"Why tis the day of a thousand vampires in the city of brotherly love!" She said with a flourish. Since all she saw in response was a line of blank faces she continued to explain. "There's a huge flash mob planned for later today, every amateur actor in town is going to be there dressed as a vampire and doing... the dance." With the last part she gave a strange jerking motion.
"So...so there are no... real vampires?" Asked Bella.
"Honey, there are no such thing." Artemus replied. "Deandra, are you coming, you look like shit, so I guess you're going for the literal walking dead."
"Nah." Said Dee with a shake of her head. She was eating a bowl of cereal and looked in no mood to leave the bar, so Artemus took off.
"Well, I guess that explains it." Said Frank. "Them sons of bitches aint real after all."
"uh, in that case, if you can't be sure it was Edward?" Bella asked, seeking confirmation, "Then I may as well go. Hm." She muttered to herself as she left the bar.
"That is one strange chick." Declared Mac, to the agreement of the gang.
Interior. Hotel room. The curtains are closed.
The vampire Alec paced the floor angrily looking to his sister Jane. "Aro will not stand for this. A city full of reports of vampires!"
"Do not worry, brother. We shall put a stop to this." Said Jane. Alec felt a small chill in his spine. He smiled.
Establishing shot, Exterior, Paddys pub, Evening.
Interior. Paddys Pub.
As the door swung open the sound of argument filled the air, as it so often did at Paddys pub. Edward tried to ignore the raging voices as he picked out the stool at the end of the bar and sat, looking around but seeing no sign of Dee whatsoever. The voices were coming from Dennis and Mac, who were debating who would win in a fight between a Zombie Superman, and a Vampire Batman. A very high brow conversation if ever he had heard one. They were so engrossed that they had not spotted him and they paid him no attention, so he sat and waited.
Then the door to the bathroom swung open and Charlie appeared, a filthy rag thrown over his shoulder and a big smile on his face. This truly frustrated Edward because he could not read the thoughts of the small man. He was trying so hard but all he could get was silence. "Hey." Said Charlie in greeting. "Get you a drink dude?" He asked.
Edward coughed a very small cough. "Yes please, but could you please wash your hands first?"
Charlie screwed up his face and grinned. "Sure dude, whatever." Still nothing. Impossible. Bella was the only one who could resist his power. As Charlie washed his hands in the bar sink and grabbed a bottle Dennis and Mac appeared either side of Edward. He hadn't noticed them stop arguing and move because he had been concentrating so hard on trying to read Charlie.
"So, you stalking Charlie?" Asked Mac "Because I gotta tell you that is gonna lead you down a dark path my friend." Dennis nodded.
"No. I'm just confused." Whispered Edward. They both inched closer, curious. "Promise not to tell anyone any of this." He said softly. Both men nodded. "I can read thoughts." They both smiled. He turned to Mac. "No I'm not crazy, no you don't need to give me another ocular pat down, and no, I'm not going to mention the other thing." Mac looked shocked. Edward turned to Dennis. "Yes I am better looking than you, however you probably get more girls than me. No I do not want to be your wing man."
Both men looked at each other in pure astonishment. "Ok, then." Said Dennis. "So it's true. Why him?" He nodded to Charlie who was now trying to cut lemons, oblivious to the unopened beer bottle he still hadn't given to his customer. "Why you staring at him?"
"I'm getting nothing from him, which is impossible, since there is only one person in the world who should be able to block me and she's..." he gulped. "Well she's nowhere near here."
Dennis smiled and Mac put his hands on his head. Dennis spoke. "Ah, I think I know the problem. You seem under the impression that Charlie is your average, every day guy?" They watched him whistle a tune as he jabbed the lemon with the knife. "It's very important to understand that his mind does not work like a normal mind. Imagine, if you will, a normal mind is a book. All words and information. Well imagine his mind is a colouring book, filled with the doodles of a five year old."
Edward pulled a face, as if deep in thought. Then he smiled. "That does explain the strange visions." He said, grinning and getting to his feet.
"Hey, where ya going man?" Asked Mac.
"Well my work here is done. There are no real vampires in Philadelphia, and I can read his mind now. No more mystery, time to move on. Maybe I'll go to Baltimore. I hear they have good cake there."
And with that he disappeared out into the night, just in time for Dee to emerge from the back room and catch sight of him. She pointed and pulled a face, a face of longing but knowing. She just needed confirmation that he wasn't coming back. Dennis and Mac nodded in confirmation. "Aww god dammit." She cried.
Charlie looked up from his very important lemon work unserved beer at his side. "What?"
Interior, Paddys Pub, Night time.
"So, let me get this straight." Dennis said to Mac, very slowly. Dee, Frank and Charlie watched with bored expressions. "You think that if Batman had Superman's powers he could beat Batman?"
Mac nodded. "Of course dude."
Dennis let out a yelp of a laugh, almost hysterical. "But then he wouldn't be Batman would he?"
"Oh dude, of course he would. Y'know, keep the cape and all that." To prove his point he performed a few of his kung foo moves complete with sound effects, Dennis poured himself a scotch and knocked it back in despair.
Just then the door opened and two kids walked in wearing black robes. When they pulled back their hoods their red eyes seemed to glow in the dim light of the bar.
"Woah," Said Dennis, holding out a hand towards Mac. "Are we letting kids in the bar again? I mean these guys definitely have the whole creepy children of the corn thing going on."
"Yeah they do." Chimed in Dee.
"Didn't you idiots nearly lose your license over that?" Asked Frank. But before he could answer, the girl spoke.
"We have traced rumours of vampire activity back to this location." She smiled the kind of smile that made your skin crawl. Not even Dennis was going to try anything.
"We have come to punish the offenders." Announced the boy, his voice less threatening than the girls somehow. "how dare you break the code."
"Woah woah woah." Frank said between drinks of beer. "What the shit? I told Artemus we didn't want anything to do with those jerks. They ain't even real."
"Yeah kids." Said Charlie, "Vampires don't exist, what the hell?"
"Well if we find who is responsible, the next person claiming to be a vampire, they are in for a long, painful night." Despite sounding like someone had taken away his Xbox, the boy managed to invoke a small level of threat.
Just as the gang smirked and each thought of something funny to say, the door burst open and a cloaked figure stood there. Flanked by three silhouettes, he walked inside.
"Ok dick bags, get ready for some vampire action!" Shrieked Matthew 'Rickety Cricket' Mora. The two companions directly behind him, Liam and Ryan McPoyle rubbed their hands, black cloaks over their usual bathrobes and vests looking totally absurd. In the doorway, Margret McPoyle stared at everyone all at once, occasionally doing that freakish licking thing where her tongue slid up, across and back down into her mouth, all accompanied by a horrible sound. "Me and the boys here are gonna get some blood:" Cricket continued. "Make you assholes pay for everything you've done to me!"
The young boy and girl looked at each other. Then the boy pulled a face and all four intruders came over with a strange look. The girl took Cricket by the hand and led him out the back into the alley, followed by the McPoyles, then the boy.
The screams were quickly drowned out when Charlie turned on the juke box.
Cut to black and roll credits.
And thats it. Thanks you very much for reading, please let me know what you think in the comments, and hopefully I'll post something else soon.