I haven't been on in forevvveer. Anyway, this is my first attempt at an Avengers fic, so please bear with me if I manage to make any mistakes.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Avengers…no matter how much I want to.
"Big man in a suit of armor, take that away and what are you?"
"Worthless," Tony murmured to himself.
He fumbled with his arc reactor, watching the blue glow sift through his fingers and illuminate part of the moonless night.
He watched the city sleep, tired and terrified from the events that day. He can still see the explosion of the Chitauri ship while he faded away into the depths of the void, drifting away until he cannot keep his eyes open anymore.
Tony shifted himself closer to the edge of the tower, his toes teetering over the edge.
It would be so easy.
It would be so easy not to live up to expectations. It would be so easy not to face the panicked face of Pepper Potts whenever he'd return from a mission. It would be so easy to forget his neglectful childhood. It would be so easy to forget Afghanistan, Yinsen and the blood on his hands.
It would be so easy to jump.
He would death with welcome arms, after all.
"How ironic Tony! Trying to rid the world of weapons, you gave it its best one ever!"
Tony's eyes watered slightly, clouding his vision. He clenched his fists, and drew in a shaky breath.
No, he thought, I am the world's best weapon.
Knowledge can be deadly. And that is exactly why Tony was kidnapped, that is exactly why and how he indirectly killed thousands upon thousands of people.
It would be better to die.
He's not a hero, he knows he's not. Anthony Stark is a selfish man, with selfish needs and selfish thoughts.
Most people would think that he flew into the portal because he was selfless. No, they couldn't be more wrong.
Tony Stark did it for himself.
With the nuke riding on his back and the city crashing right before his eyes, Tony Stark knew that it would be better to not leave a body.
He knew that it would be seen as a selfless act, as a final act of heroism as he made the final play. And he knew that it would be better to leave that way.
But he just had to survive.
The world was that cruel.
He'd covered up his near-death experience with a sarcastic joke, like always. It's best to appear as if he wasn't affected.
No one questioned his sarcastic comments. Why should they? They don't know him.
Depression was a close friend, but suicide wasn't.
Until now.
Because the wire dear ol' Cap was talking about? It was already around his neck.
All that was needed, was him to jump.
He supposes he could take out his arc reactor, but it'd be slower, less brutal. He guesses that he wants to die a painful death, because he deserves it. Because he wants to feel the searing pain of falling and knowing that he can't just fly out of it. Because he wants to see the ground get closer and closer.
Tony shuffled closer, and he began to feel his balance faltering.
He closed his eyes, and waited for the wind to blow.
Then he was yanked back.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Steve Rodgers cries.
Tony just stares at him, a million emotions fleeting through his head. Disappointment seems to be the strongest.
He failed in saving Yinsen, he failed in saving Coulson, he failed his father and his mother, and now, he failed himself.
Killing himself, and he can't even do that right.
"God dammit Tony, why won't you answer me?"
Tony doesn't know why.
He just stares. Stares at his childhood hero, stares at the man he was in competition with for his father's affection, and he just can't forget the way that he is nothing without his suit of armor.
Because he's a failure and a killer without it.
Failure, because he failed his father and couldn't live up to his expectations.
Killer, because before the suit, he made weapons of mass destructions.
He just really couldn't live with the guilt anymore.
So Tony yanked his arm away from Steve, pushed past him, and marched to the edge of the roof.
But Steve just wouldn't get the message.
Why? Why couldn't they just leave him alone?
"Stop it Tony!" Steve pleads. Tony looks at him in the eye, and sees desperation and guilt and sadness swirling in his blue orbs.
And finally, he manages to speak.
"Why?!" he shouts, "So you can make me feel worthless again? Just like my dad? So you can make me feel like I'm worth nothing? Because I already know! You don't have to tell me! My dad already did!"
"Tony Stark, a man who has everything, yet nothing."
"I know I'm nothing without that suit! I know I'm not a hero!
"I stopped pretending to be a hero a long time ago."
Tony slumped, and crashed down on the cracked concrete roof, his legs betraying him as they gave way.
Steve's eyes were downcast, his lips were pursed and fresh tears were shining in his eyes. He knelt down to Tony's level, and tried to put a hand on his back.
But Tony moved away.
"Please, just go," he whispered.
Steve hesitated, and faltered for one moment before standing back up.
"I'm not leaving until I know you're not going to do something stupid."
Tony chuckled humorlessly. "Go, Cap. Just go."
"No."
Tony shut his eyes, as a silent tear rolled down his cheek.
"I was wrong, Stark. About what I said, I didn't mean any of it."
Tony shook his head, "No, you meant it, and you were right. So stop apologizing, you're only doing it because you feel guilty."
Steve clenched his jaw and once again faced Tony.
"No, I was wrong, because you're more than a man in a big suit of armor. You're different from Howard, and I should've known that. Because you're stronger, you're better, you're braver. I didn't know about Afghanistan then, but I do now. And god, you don't even know how sorry I am," Steve sighed, "please Tony, believe me when I say that your stronger than iron."
Tony clasped his has over his head and pulled at his hair. His eyes were shut and his jaws were clenched. He couldn't listen to what Cap was saying, it was too painful.
He's not stronger than iron, he's not braver, nor better, nor stronger. He's nothing more than a man in an iron suit. He couldn't listen to those lies anymore.
"Tony, believe me when I say you're a hero."
No, Tony thought, he can't.
"You don't know what I've done, you don't know how many lives I've ended, how many people I've ruined. How does that make me a hero?" Tony whispered.
"It makes you a hero because you changed, because you're making up for the mistakes that you've made."
"Just because I'm making up for it doesn't mean I'm a hero."
"One murder makes a villan, but million makes a hero."
Tony peered up, chocolate brown eyes shining with unshed tears.
"Please Tony, come inside," Steve offered his hand.
Tony let out a shaky breath, "I'm just scared Cap."
"Of what?"
"Of myself. I'm scared of what I'm capable of doing, I'm scared of hurting the people that I love most, I'm scared that I'll fail in protecting them, and I'm scared that one day, it'll be me who kills them."
Steve cocked his head and smiled softly at Tony.
"One cannot be a hero without being a coward. It doesn't take a hero to order men into battle, but rather, being one of those men who go into battle.
"You went to battle today."
So….that's it. Came into my head and I wrote it. I'm not sure if it's very good. Certainly not one of my best work.
Review and I'll post more Avengers fics? They're my best friend.