Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, but this story is my own. I don't know if that counts for much, but it's all I know.

Warnings: Shounen ai (1+2, 3+ a straight pilot)

Dedication: Kat, you continue to save me without ever knowing how much you do. I dedicate this story, and my love to you.

Drifting in a Sea of Emotion….

I am very swiftly becoming to despise this 'sadness'. I don't see why such a horrid emotion is necessary. A feeling that tears your heart from your body, and makes those around you upset… it makes no sense.

I watch as he moves around the room, trying his hardest not to show his concern for me. He smiles, and sits in a chair at the small, round table in the middle of the room.

"So, what do you want to eat?"

"I-I… Um… I-I don't know…" I stutter because his question caught me off guard. Like I was staring off into space, which has become a habit for me.

"Well, you obviously need something if you're having trouble answering a simple question like that." Quatre laughed, and slid behind me, opening his pantry. "Let's see…. We have—" He continues to name various items, but I'm not paying attention. His smooth voice has caught my attention, and I find that I am lost in it. The way he pronounces his vowels, the rhythm of his words, and the melodic quality that he always has to his speech….. I had always known he had a natural talent for music. It seems that the trait is so strong in him, it finds its way into everything…. My eyes travel down his slender body, which seems to move to a silent rhythm… in time with his voice…

"…beautiful…" My quiet statement was not meant to be voiced, but no one heard, so it didn't matter. I reached a hand out and ran it through his soft blond hair, taking note of its slight dampness because of the shower he had just taken….

"Trowa?" Quatre turned around and gently took my hand from his head. "Were you listening to me?" I looked at him, trying to pull my thoughts together. "How long has it been since you've eaten?" Another question… another thought… I tried to pull myself together to answer. I didn't want to make him upset… he didn't deserve to be sad…. like me….

"Um…. L-last night…" Again, I stutter. My mouth just doesn't seem to want to agree with me today. Not that it has been. For months, I have had things to say, but can never say them around him. I want to tell him about this horrid sorrow that eats away at me from the inside, but I can't bring myself to share that pain with him… I can't taint him….

"Trowa! You need to take better care of yourself! Why do you continue to do this?" Quatre pulled me into a chair (as he hadn't let go of my hand yet), and went through the fridge to find something for me to eat. I sigh deeply, not quit able to forgive myself for worrying my little one once again. He seemed to know more about my sadness than I did… and it seemed to be affecting him just as badly, if not worse. I can't stand to see him upset…

"…g-gomen…" Quatre sat down across from me, and put a small sandwich in front of me.

"Eat it." I slowly lifted my gaze up to his crystal blue-grey eyes, which were narrowed into a very serious look that did not fit his soft face at all. "Eat it, or I'll go back to working on my project, and I won't go to sleep until it's finished." I looked up at him, my eyes widening slightly.

"No. You need your sleep. You can't keep overworking yourself like that. You have to—"

"You have to eat. The rules don't just apply to me. Now eat." Trowa sighed in defeat, and went to take a small bite of the sandwich. It tasted wonderful, just like everything else Quatre ever made… but I can't eat… the food just didn't settle well in my stomach.

"I'm not hungry…." I pushed the food aside, looking at Quatre with eyes that pleaded for forgiveness.

"Why not?!" Quatre leapt up, slamming his hands down on the table. "If I miss one meal, or one night of sleep, you won't leave me alone about it! Yet you haven't gotten a decent nights sleep in over a month, you constantly skip meals, and you've been so distant! Why do you do that to yourself? Why do you ask that I take care of myself, if you won't?!?" I stared at him, unable to answer. He stares right back, until he finally backs down, turning to put the plate in the sink.

"Because I love you…." My words were no more than a breath on the wind, but some how the boy heard. Quatre turned to me, revealing a lifetime of pain in his eyes, the pain that I had tried so hard to keep from him…

"I love you too Trowa. You know that…."

"But it's not the same….." I turn my eyes down, unable to look at him anymore. I hadn't meant to say anything. The last thing I wanted to do was bring up the fact that I was attracted to him, but the feelings were less than mutual…

"No. It's not. But it's no less." Quatre moved so that his face was in my line of sight, and slowly lifted my gaze from the floor. "I hate to see you in pain. It hurts me…." He placed my hand over his chest, and looked up. "Now please, eat something?" I looked away again, and closed my eyes.

"I'm not hungry. I don't want anything to eat." I felt a slight dampness, and a stinging in my eyes. I angrily forced back the tears, refusing to let them show.

Anger…. Another emotion that seemed to me my second half. The anger normaly came with, or shortly after the sadness. I am angry that it's my fault Quatre's upset. I'm angry at the damn sadness that I hate so much, that won't leave me alone. And I am angry at the hate that comes with that sadness. Too many emotions, too overwhelming. There are times that I wish I could find a way to become numb to them, even if only for a few minutes….

"Trowa…" Quatre shook his head, deciding not to finish his sentence. I look up at him and smile as best as I can, trying to hide the emotions that took over. I know it never fools him, but it makes it easier for him to fool me on how much it hurts him. It probably doesn't make any sense, but even though I know I'm always hurting him, it doesn't feel as bad when we can both wear our masks of happiness, and fool the world.

"Well, Duo and Heero should be here in a few hours. Why don't we make something for them to eat? I know Duo loves anything containing chocolate…"

"You only say that because you love my brownies." I laughed, my mask slipping fully into place. For now, at least, I could feel without guilt… but I knew it would never last…

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

"Hmm…. Trowa?" Quatre was sitting on the grass, leaning against a tree in the park we stopped at. Duo had insisted that we stop here so he could make Heero chase butterflies, simply because he had never done it before.

"Hai?" I sat down on the grass next to him, leaning against the old oak tree as well. Heh, I'm allergic to oak too….

"I'm tired…." Quatre leaned his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes. I then realized that I had come over in the first place because he hadn't gotten any sleep the night before.

"Do you want to go home?" I didn't get an answer. The blond wonder was fast asleep next to me. I laughed slightly, being careful not to shake him awake. He needed the precious little sleep he could get. I leaned against him, and we both fell asleep like that….

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

"Trowa?" I felt something stir under me, and opened my eyes. "Trowa, we need to go now…"

"Yeah, you guys have been out for an hour. What got you so beat?" Duo looked up at Heero, and put an arm around his waist, then gave him a hentai grin.

"Duo. Not now." Duo let his arm drop, as well as his smile. The whole expression was so comical, that I couldn't help but laugh.

"Come on Trowa." I sat up slightly in order to let Quatre up. A small smile crossed my face as I realized I had my arms wrapped around him. The boy stood up, brushed himself off, then offered a hand to help me. I stared at the hand for a few minutes, my mind working slower than it should have. "What? Aren't you coming?" I nodded and let him pull me to my feet.

"Uhn…" As soon as I was up, I stumbled backwards and hit my head into the tree. My vision blurred, then slowly came back into focus.

"Are you alright?"

"H-hai…" I put a hand up to the back of my head and smiled. "I can't speak for the tree though…" Duo stared at me, his eyes widening.

"My God! Was that a joke?!??!" He looked up at Heero, then back at me. "I don't believe it! Trowa made a joke! Notify the press!!! Quick!!! He might never do it again!!!" Heero elbowed him in the ribs, getting him to shut up, then looked at me.

"We should hurry. It looks like it's going to rain." I nodded, and took a few shakey steps forward. I felt like the ground was moving in circles under me, and had a hard time keeping my balance. Quatre put an arm around me to help me keep my balance, then whispered into my ear.

"You're going to eat something as soon as we get home, whether you like it or not." I nodded, knowing I had pushed my limits, and let him guide me to the car.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

Quatre is going away for a few weeks. This is the last day I get to see him until he gets back. I wish I could come with him, but I have work to do here. I would put it off for him, but he refuses to let me. He says the Preventers need me here to make sure nothing goes wrong…

I'm sitting across from him at the small round table in the kitchen, enjoying the delicious meal he made. Although he has enough servants so he would never have to do anything, he insists that he cooks for himself and his guests when he gets a chance, and he has managed to prevent them from cleaning his office.

"Trowa?"

"Hmm?" I look up at him, again absorbed by his beautiful eyes.

"Aren't you going to eat any more?"

"Oh." I forced myself to focus on the meal in front of me, and ate it. I didn't want my love to think something was wrong again….. but I knew he did…..

"Well, as long as you're still eating…" Quatre leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. I could see how much pressure he was under. I knew how much my pain was hurting him. I needed something to escape the pain… something that would make me numb, but wouldn't hurt Quatre.

Suicide was my first thought… actually, it was a reacuring thought, but it was out of the question. If I died, who knows how badly Quatre would be torn. Though he would never have a relationship with me like the one Duo and Heero had, he truly loved me. I couldn't bear to be the cause of any more of his pain. I would have to find another way.

There was unconsciousness… if I couldn't think, I couldn't be bombarded with these horrible feelings. And there was also physical pain. I had, on a number of occasions, lightly scratched the surface of my skin, unable to do anything worse without fear… but the scratches vented some of the sadness. I felt almost calm in those moments by myself… But the anger, sadness, and hate would return when Quatre saw what I had done. He would then lecture me about how stupid I was being, and how he couldn't understand why I would want to do things like that to myself….

I looked up at the medicine cabinent above the oven, wondering how many Advil I could take before it killed me, and how few would be too few to let me slip into a blank unconsciousness….

"Trowa? What are you doing?"

"I have a headache. I'm going to take something for it."

"Oh, alright." Quatre stood up, and turned his back on me, in order to put the dishes in the sink. I took the bottle down from the shelf, and shook out a few of the pills in my hand. Quatre was still facing the other way… if I took these now, he wouldn't have to know… and he wouldn't have to be in pain. My eyes traveled his body again, and I looked down into my hand. Only popping two into my mouth, I returned to the table. For some reason, I was never able to carry through with my plans. Every time, I would see his face, trying so hard to hide his own sadness… he was so much stronger than I was. I couldn't hurt him….

"When do you have to leave?"

"My plane gets here at 7 tomorrow morning. I should probably be at the airport a little earlier."

"Do you have everything you need packed?"

"I think so…" I nodded, and slung the small green bag I had brought with me over my shoulder.

"Then I'll leave now. You need to get some sleep. It's going to be a rough couple of days ahead…" Quatre seemed slightly disappointed that I was leaving, but didn't say anything. "I'll let myself out." I walked down the driveway to his small house. He liked it more than the others because it gave him an excuse for not taking people with him, so in the long run it felt much larger. I slipped onto my motorcycle and stared the short ride home.

Home…. What a strange word… my 'home' moved constantly, yet I always felt foreign without Quatre by my side. The boy never liked to be without me for longer than he had to. Most times, I could easily stand the wait without him as long as I knew he was happy. He would get to see his three favorite sisters on his trip, and that would make him happy enough, as long as he knew I would be waiting for him when he got back…..

And I will be waiting….

Thank you, Quatre. Thank you for saving me more times than I can count, and more times than you'll ever know. I'll always love you, nothing will change that. And I'll always do everything I can to protect you, my little angel. My little one….

This story does not end here, because I still live. As long as I do, there will be more to tell. As to whether it will be written down or not…. it's too early to tell…..