I ran into the corridors of the hospital, drenched due to the rain outside. Tears flowing in my eyes. Room no. 403 that's where hiei told me he was. My heart was aching, telling me to hurry up and see for myself whether he actually is dead. I halted in front of room 403, panting due to all the running I did. I took a deep breath, wiped my face with bare hands and opened the door shakingly.

Even in this situation the room smelled of fresh roses, as if nothing has ever happened. I slowly walked towards the bed. At first glance it felt as if he was just sleeping peacefully. Tears flooded in my eyes as I touched his hand. Then I felt something, like a paper and looked at it to find a drip attached to his hand.

"He is alive." I turned around to find hiei sitting on a stool in the corner looking very disheveled.

I turned around immediately to see him stir with a gurgling sound. He opened his eyes and blinked a few times before he realised that it was me standing in front of him. He said it very faintly, like a whisper, he took my name "ray"

I smiled "Yes kurama..."

"Why the heck did you try to kill yourself?" Asked hiei furiously. Kurama looked at him and then turned away as if he had nothing to say.

"Answer me!" Hiei took a step to threaten him. Getting a bit anxious I stepped in front of him.

"Ask him tomorrow. Let him rest now."

"Move"

"No! You touch a hair on him and I sway I'll kill you."

There was a brief silence. "He just...he just barely escaped from death. if he even gets a scratch now...I'll go insane."

Hiei looked at me with that same fierce look in his eyes that he normally has. Then he walked towards the window "Whatever. Like i care." And vanished out. I sighed and walked towards the window while staring out. "Liar" I muttered as I shut the window and locked it.

After kurama woke up, the doctor enquired about the suicide attempt. But he never said anything. Just sat there silently, staring into spaces. So the doctors gave up and told us to complete some formalities and take him home. He was just a bit anemic or else they said that he will be fine after some care.

When I look at him right now sitting on his bed with his eyes closed, I couldn't believe that he is the same kurama. The same kurama who helped me with my struggle when I'd lost my sight. The same kurama who told me not to give up on life when I was depressed. The same kurama who vowed to protect me throughout his life.

I sat in front of him looking at his handsome face. Slowly, I raised my hand and cupped his cheek. He opened his eyes which were filled with a pain unknown to me.

"Hiei shouldn't have saved me." He said with the same deep voice that always mesmerised me.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because now he will take over me and flee after killing you all." He said while he covered his eyes with his arm. "It's my 17th birthday ray. Youko was trying to take over me. He said that I, suichi, the nengen counterpart will vanish once he takes over me."

I stared at him. His arm covered his face. Only his lips were visible and they were trembling.

I touched his hand gently and said "why didn't you tell any of us? Did you not trust us?"

"I never knew what to do...I never knew..." his hand was shivering very lightly. My kurama, who is always so calm and reserved, what happened to him? Why did he keep it all to himself?

I slid a bit closer to him and was shocked to see a tear glide down his cheek.

"Kurama!" I grabbed his arm and moved it away from his face.

"I'm not crying. My eyes sting. " he said as I cupped both of his cheeks. He looked so broken, so in pain, I thought that I'll go insane.

"I've to kill myself" he whispered

"Are you mad? What are you saying?"

"Hiei shouldn't have saved me" he...is he panicking? He has never even panicked in front of the most deadly opponent.

"Kurama listen to me. There's got to be someway-"

Just then he shook my hands away and yelled "he showed me an image of all of you laying dead in a pool of blood. He will surely kill you all." He was sweating, his eyes wide open. He held his head in his uninjured hand and started talking without stopping.

"When he takes over me I'll surely disappear. Then he will try to kill you all. Mother, father, little brother, youske, kuwabara, hiei and you. He will slaughter everyone. He will use my body to commit more sins then I've already committed. Come to think of it how many sins have I committed! Mother's illness. I know deep inside that it was because of me no matter how much I denied. How many people have I killed?-"

"Kurama!"

"How much blood and tears have you all shed because of me? How many times have I deceived others with my kitune nature."

"Hey calm down listen to me-"

"My hands are covered with blood of so many people. Even you. How many times have I tried to kill you thinking that you were also a threat to me since you are the incarnation of a demon who was my enemy. I've deceived you too. So many times that you don't even know about it."

"It doesn't matter. Kurama get a hold of yourself!"

"I've done so many sins. I don't want to do it anymore. My body won't be able to take it. And there is no reason to save myself after all these sins. It would be better that I die!"

I jerked up. I was so shooked. He kept muttering on and on. How did he break so easily? My kurama would never give up like that. I was enraged. I grabbed his hand and pulled it away from his face so that he would look into my eyes. He was surprised by the sudden force i used on him. I locked both his hands in my right hand and cupped his cheek with my left hand. I leaned very close to his face.

"Ray? Mhm-" just then I planted a kiss forcefully on his lips and his head banged on the wall behind him. At first he became very still. I thought I heard the sound of heavy rain but soon after my mind was just filled with him. He started to struggle a bit trying to free himself but I tightened my grip. I pressed my lips hard on his so that he would calm down. But then his uninjured hand got free and pushed me away.

"Ray! What are you doing? I'm really serious." He said blinking a few times.

"So am I" I said climbing in the bed and getting on top of him on which he stared at me wide eyed "no. Actually it's more like I'm angry. You did something really bad right? So now I'm going to punish you."

I grabbed his collar and kissed him again even more deeply. I started to suck on his lower lip while he struggled to get free. He held my waist with his hands and tried to push me away. Then I parted his lips and slid my tongue into his mouth, that's when he stopped struggling and closed his eyes. I mourned as I explored every part of his mouth. My heart was beating so fast but I was in control. We stopped for a little to breath. He looked in my eyes.

"Stop ray." Even though he whispered that, he eyes said something else. His bright green eyes which are usually very composed, are really desperate today. It's as if if I don't keep holding him, he will actually disappear. And maybe he is fearing the same. I kissed him again and this time he kissed me back. His hand started to slowly massage my back. He kept uttering my name between the kisses which only made me lose myself. His eyes were now clouded, as if he wasn't able to think anymore. He finally relaxed a bit. I released his collar and slowly started to feel his chest and stomach. We were struggling to breath. His slender white neck was visible under his collar which was now messed up. Unable to control myself, I kissed his jaw line and then his neck. He mourned and arched a bit so that I can kiss his neck more easily. I kissed all over his neck. He kept telling me to stop and trying to move me aside but it was as if he has no energy to do so. Eventually he gave up and again started to feel my back. I moved away a bit to look into his eyes which were now begging me to not stop. Still looking at him, I slowly started to unbutton his white shirt. He jumped and held my hands to stop me.

"Wait. What are you doing ray?"

Without breaking our eye contact, I stroked his hand away. I smirked as I used my ki to trap his hand into my gravity to stay still. Gravity is actually something that I can control through my ki.

"Ray!" He yelled.

"I said it didn't I, that I'm going to punish you. I'm going to make sure that you will never even think about killing yourself again." His eyes widened in shock. Heh! I can't believe it. This is the same kurama who was always in control of his surroundings, always calm in every situation. Right now he looks so helpless. I opened his shirt and rubbed my hands slowly up from his stomach to his chest. He is so strong, I can feel every muscle. His breathing became shallow as he averted his eyes from mine and closed them. He continued to stir, trying somehow to get free of my hold. Just then I kissed his chest on which he mourned. I continued kissing all over his tummy and chest while he kept insisting to stop. I was starting to lose my morale. Really, why am I doing it at a time like this? To calm him down? But he is calm now yet I can't stop. Is it really me who is doing this? I was always so shy of him. He has only kissed me a few times and every time I was so embarrassed. But right now, it's as if something just got into me. I reached up and kissed his lips again on which he shuddered. I paused and moved away to look at him. He was panting and struggling to free himself. He lifted his eyes to look at me, that's when I realised that this vulnerable person is not kurama. it was as if this person is actually Suichi, the mere ningen. I blinked. It felt as if his demon part has left with his confidence. I sighed. Is this the reason why he has become this way?

"Ray...enough now. You can't go further than this." He said crackingly.

"You know I really love you kurama." He looked at me sadly.

"I love you so much that I can't imagine being alive without you. Yet how could you say that you have no reason to live?" Saying so I licked his jaw line and he mourned. I started to touch his thighs very lightly.

"Uh...stop ray." He whispered. I ran my hands down his prefectly built thigh and blushed. I've to do it. It's the only way. I closed my eyes making my resolve and pressed my lips with his. I started to explore his mouth while he absently did the same. I started gliding my hands up his thighs. He flinched and stared at me wide eyed

"Wait ray. Do you know what you are doing?" Did he just blush slightly?

"You belong to me like I belong to you right?" I said as if I was drunk.

"Yes but this is not the right time."

"Shhh" I hissed and lean forward to bite his ear. He grunted and fiddled a bit.

"Raven!" I didn't respond but kept biting and licking his ear. Just as my hand was at the right spot, I lost control over my ki. Immediately I felt a sharp pain on my the back of my neck. I gasped as i realised that Kurama just hit me and slumped into darkness.