This story starts when Itachi dies. Do not question the randomness nor the timeline and how it fits. I'm writing it, so it works! Got that?!
I do not own Monty Python and The Holy Grail, Terry Pratchet's character Death, or Naruto.
It was a dark, misty cobble road. There was the sound of a heavy wheelbarrow being pushed over the cobble stones. The wheelbarrow and the person pushing it came into view, stopping under a single dim street lamp. With the sound of the barrow's motion gone, faint footfalls could be barely heard.
The source of the footsteps came under the street lamp, slightly hunched. As it came into the light, the features of the people became clear. They were strikingly similar, and had it not been for the height, facial, and hair differences, it could have been a person and his shadow clone.
The taller of the two was thrown over the other's shoulder, very much like a sack of potatoes. The shorter had a self-satisfied smirk on his face and a slightly insane glint in his dark eyes.
"WELL, THIS IS A SURPRISE," Death said, his wheelbarrow was half full of the souls of the dead and his classic black attire was dead still.
"What? I'm not here for myself! I finally killed my brother! Here he is!" Sasuke said gleefully. Clearly he has more problems than he is worth.
"OH, WELL THAT WILL BE NINEPENSE," Death informed Sasuke of his price.
"I'm not dead!" came the muffled response. Death looks over Sasuke's shoulder to peer at Itachi.
"WHAT?" Death asked. Sasuke blocked Death's view of Itachi.
"Nothing, here's your ninepense," Sasuke alluded Death's questioning.
"I'm not dead!" Itachi repeated.
"WAIT A SEC. HE'S NOT DEAD YET," Death told Sasuke with a long suffering look. Sasuke made shifty eyes.
"Yes he is," he quickly covered.
"I'm not!" Itachi insisted, trying to evade Sasuke's not well though-out plan.
"HE ISN'T," Death echoed.
"Well, he will be very soon. I pretty much killed him, he just has to die," Sasuke said, not quite desperately.
"But I'm healing!" Itachi said, not willing to give up and just go in the cart.
"No you're not! You'll be stone dead in a moment!" ok, Sasuke was pretty desperate at this point; his 'brilliant' plan was going down the drain.
"WELL, I CAN'T TAKE HIM LIKE THAT. IT'S AGAINST REGULATIONS," Death argued.
"I don't want to go in the cart," Itachi said, sounding for all the world like a petulant child.
"Oh, don't be such a baby!" Sasuke chided.
"I CAN'T TAKE HIM," Death insisted, he's got rules too!
"I feel fine," Itachi tried, appealing to Death since Sasuke was a lost cause.
"Oh, do me a favor," Sasuke would have been on his knees but for the fact that he had Itachi over his shoulder.
"I CAN'T," Death was getting pretty sick of this. He couldn't take the body! Stupid, duck-butt haired idiots who don't know when it would be smart to cut his losses, the moron could have just killed his brother instead of going through all this.
"Well, can you hang around for a couple minutes? He won't be long," Sasuke tried again.
"WELL, I PROMISED I'D BE AT OROCHIMARU'S. THEY LOST A HUNDRED TODAY," Death said, trying to get his point across Sasuke's abnormally small brain.
"Well, when's your next round?" Sasuke asked. Maybe he could get rid of Itachi then if it was soon enough.
"THURSDAY," Death answered.
"I think I'll go for a walk," Itachi spoke up. Sasuke threw a dirty look over his shoulder.
"You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?" Sasuke was definitely desperate at this point. By Thursday, Itachi would be healed and then Sasuke would have to try some other dirty trick to kill him.
"I feel happy. I feel happy," Itachi was not willing to give up, 1) because he didn't want to die and 2) because it was fun to annoy his foolish little brother.
Death looked around furtively before shutting Itachi up with a good whack with his trusty club.
"Ah, thank you very much," Sasuke said relieved. He would say thank you to Death because no one would know except the dead, who didn't care, and Death might kill him too if he wasn't polite. (Idiot should have realized that when he started begging.)
"NOT AT ALL. SEE YOU ON THURSDAY," Death accepted the thanks.
"Right," Sasuke replied, sincerely hoping it wouldn't be for him. As they were putting Itachi in the cart, a strange girl came up behind Sasuke and slammed a crowbar across the back of his head. As he crumpled to the ground, Death and the girl made eye-contact for a moment.
"Trade ya," she offered.
"SORRY, BUT I CAN'T DO THAT EITHER. I CAN, HOWEVER, MAKE YOUR OWN PASSING A LITTLE EASIER, IF YOU WOULD WISH."
The girl's face fell. "You can't trade? But wouldn't you rather the world have Itachi instead of duck-butt-head?"
Death was getting a little tired of being held up, and he really did need to get to Orochimaru's. However, the girl did have a point. He didn't much care for the world of the living, but since he already had to disappoint so many people, he didn't really think it was fair to have to do it to the poor girl too and the world just didn't deserve the injustice of not making this trade.
"SWITCH THEM QUICK, THEN, AND I'LL BE OFF."