I'm going to hell because …..

Chapter 1 …. Father I have sinned / get rid of the ho-bag

please note: i found a beta :) she absolutely lovely.

i have also combined chapter one and two since they are so short O.o

hope you enjoy my insanity

Bella's POV

What am I doing here? How did I get here? I faintly remember Alice suggesting I go to church, but I don't actually remember getting in my car and driving to a catholic church.

And what was I thinking? I'm not even catholic, I was raised to be Lutheran and now I find myself getting out of my car to enter a catholic church.

God, please don't kill me for entering the wrong church, I'm too lazy to look for another church and I'm in deep shit. My soul needs to cleanse badly.

Fuck, did I just pray to God and use shit in my prayer? I am going to hell, it is now official.

I hurried up to the front of the church. Would God hit me with lightning if I entered this church? Let's see. I stepped through the threshold and nothing happened. Hmm, maybe I should have tried this church thing earlier, nothing bad has happened yet.

I continued to walk into the church and found the confession booth. I stepped into the booth to begin the long list of things I had done bad.

"Father I have sinned."

"Okay… tell me what you've done."

Wow, this priest seemed hella chill….

"Okay, where to begin, where to begin. Well I have this best friend I live with, his name is Edward. I well I keep having these sex dreams about him and he has a girlfriend. I keep plotting to steal him away and I feel bad for the girl. I'm such a bitch some times."

The mysterious voice startled me, I had almost forgotten that I had been talking to someone. "Dude, is that all, God… Gimme something juice to hear, you're wasting daylight here."

I'm not sure what priests are supposed to act like but not like this. But hey, what do I know?

"Umm, okay well last week, I went to bar with my best friend Jacob and kind of played a prank on him."

"Reaaaaallly, tell me more."

"Well, I told this girl he was straight and that he wanted her. SO for the rest of the night she wouldn't leave him alone, and she ended up puking on his favorite designer jeans."

"Yeah, those weren't any designer jeans they were my favorite jeans."

Fuck. Jacob? What the hell is he doing here? Why was he pretending to be a priest? How did he pull this one off? He is so going to kill my ass.
I was making a run for it even though it was pointless.

I dashed out of the confession booth, in the process of doing that I managed to break the door off the hinges. Fuck, it must be really bad to break something in the house of god.

As I broke the door off Jacob had tried to rush out of his compartment and got smacked in the face by the door.
He stumbled back and fell on some old dude. Oh god I hope it wasn't the pope of something.
The old dude fell back on to some table full of candles, somehow he didn't knock one over.

Oh crap, Bella do some damaged control while Jake is still dazed, I thought. I rushed over to help the man up but my foot got caught on Jacob's robe. I tripped and did a face plant on to the table, making it tilt towards me, the old man sliding down onto my face. Eww, gross old man balls were in my face. After that not so pleasant experience, the man rolled over onto the floor.

The candles were coming towards my face. Shit, I'm being punished. I managed to put my hands on top of the table and push myself up to avoid the candles coming, but I wasn't thinking. I had just put more weight on the table causing it to flip over.
The candles went flying.

One got thrown towards the confession booths, another went towards the curtains and others went toward the front of the church. The church went up in flames. It would have been kind of cool if we weren't burning down a church. Since when were churches so flammable?
Jacob managed to get moving and, after grabbing the old man and me, made a run for the door.

He got to his car and finally put us down. Jacob, the old man and I watch in horror as the church continued to burn. The firefighters didn't come until ten minutes later. By then the church was burnt to a crisp. So much for being forgiven for my sins, and plus I don't think my insurance was going to cover this. How often does a person manage to burn down a whole church?

I saw priests getting rescued and holy items being salvaged.

Damn.

My insurance was definitely not going to cover this.

I continued to watch the fire fighters put out that fire. I watched their legs move gracefully across the pavement, with their arms pumping them to go fast.

Mmm fire fighters, damn, I need to get laid.

Okay, stop distracting yourself Bella; you have to deal with the issue at hand. You just burned down a church. What do you have to say for yourself?

Absolutely nothing.

Exactly.

Shit, reality just punched me in the side. I was going to go to jail or something; I'm too young to go to jail. No, people get raped in jail, and you have to eat gross food and work out. Gym, no, jail would be high school all over again accept I'd probably get a daily beating in jail. Were there cliques in jail? No, there were gangs, worse. Fuck…

I am not going to jail.

I'll cut my hair, change my name, and get a fake tan. I'd move to Alaska start a new life as an accountant. Once I settle in Alaska I'll go moose hunting and run for governor.

I can see it now.

I was too busy planning my new life to notice that I was in a car driving away from the church. Wow, I really need to be more observant of my surroundings, one of these days I was going to get laid and I wouldn't even notice. Oh fire men… NO bad Bella.

Jacob was driving away now; I'm guessing he didn't want to go to jail either. But hey, I thought, he'd be okay with it, there was gay sex there. But what did I know? I already proved earlier that I don't know jack shit. So now maybe Jacob and I could start a new life together. He could get a sex change and be straight and we could be roommates. I hope Jake likes Alaska .

I was day dreaming when I heard a stranger's voice. What the hell? Who else was in the car?

I turned around to face the old man we had met at the church. What was he doing here? Was he going to come with us to Alaska ? Well I guess we could pretend he was my grandpa or something. Eww, maybe we could just dump his ass in a retirement home.

Comprehension finally reached my retarded brain, "Jacob, are we kidnapping this old man, and why?"

I slowly turned back to face the front of the car. I was in shock, crap. Not only am I going to go to jail for burning down a church but for kidnap too. But wait, don't jump to conclusions, maybe we're just giving a ride to the old man's house or something. Stay positive Swan.

"Bells we have to kidnap him, he saw us set the church on fire".

Shit, there goes the hope.

"Okay, answer this question: what the hell were you doing pretending to be priest or is that your night job or something?"

Besides don't you have to be a virgin to be a priest? Oh and straight?

I stole a quick glance at Jacob and I saw him turn bright red. Oh my god, my gay best friend is religious. How ironic.

"Okay, okay. I'll tell you but you can't tell anyone."

I did that whole "zip my mouth and throw away the key" thing. That seemed to satisfy him enough to continue.

"Well you know how being gay is a sin?"

There was a quick bob of the head from me and a grunt from the old man and Jacob shifted gears.

Jacob finally started up again, "Well a lot of gay men go to the confession booths to confess their sins."

Oh my god.

This better not be going where I think it's going.

"Well… when they confess their sins they are just so hot and vulnerable. And you know when people are vulnerable they're easy… so."

Oh my god, my gay best friend was banging guys in a confession booth in a house of God.

I thought me putting glue in Tanya's shampoo was bad, but no, Jacob made me look like a fucking angel.

Damn. I guess now I feel okay fucking around with Edward's girlfriend.

"Okay, I got another question, actually a question and a request." Since Jacob could get laid in a church that meant he could pretty much do anything. He was an expert at being sinful and getting what he wants, so I was going to request him help me get Edward to be my husband, I mean boyfriend, I mean lover, person, man.

"Shoot."

"Where did you get the robe?" Didn't you have to like prove to the state you were a preist before you were allowed to buy a robe?

"E-bay."

"Damn, you can get anything there."

All of a sudden the old man piped in, I guess he didn't hate us for kidnapping him, hell I bet we made his day. "No kidding, I buy my dentures, cat food, oh and my underwear from E-bay."

Note to self: kill yourself before you get old enough to need dentures.

"Cool…" Jacob and I were shifting uncomfortable in the front seat, the old man sure did know how to kill a conversation.

"Wait you said you have request for me?"

"Uhh." I said nervously, I didn't really want to talk about this anymore.
"Spill it Swan or I will tell Tanya it was you who glued I'm a slut stickers all over her car."

Damn, he knew I did that? I don't even remember doing that. All I know is that I woke up the very next day in a bush next to Tanya's car with stickers all over my pants.

Note to self: don't get stinking drunk, if I do, get a Bush mask on and run around in it so people won't recognize you.

"Well Jake-ob, you know I have the biggest crush on my roommate Edward, and I've been trying to get him to dumb his stupid girlfriend Tanya to go out with me. As you have obviously noticed I've failed so far. So I need your help, because apparently you're the king of religious sex."

"What does religious sex have to do with anything,"he questioned.

"I don't know, I was trying to butter you up so you'd help me finally get a man," I giggled.

"You had me at well. Let us begin the planning." Jacob excited leak out through his words, he was always ready to cause hell or help me cause hell.

"I'm in too." I guess Jacob and I have a new friend and anyone that was going to help me kick the slut out was a good friend to me.

"So what's your name, I don't want to keep call you old man." Haha, I don't think that would stop Jacob from calling the man old man.

"Tony," the old man grunted aloud.

Jacob and I welcome Tony excitedly, "Well welcome to the gang Tony!"