Okay I'm biting the bullet and publishing this warts and all, lol. It's been hanging around on my desktop for a year (due to my lack of writing after the death of my son) and it's time to get rid of it. It was originally written for Jho after comments in the KAST but I doubt anyone remembers them now, lmao. Thanks to Thyme and Star for an insane brainstorming session on skype a year ago, and to Star and Jaer for their input in recent times.
Mariachi
Kaidan sat reading a book on his omnitool as he sipped hot chocolate from the thermos he'd brought with him. I wonder what Shepard's doing. He shook his head, the whole point of this exercise was to stop thinking about her for a while. He had a secret passion for video games and the sequel to one of his favourites was due out tomorrow. He didn't normally camp out to get a first day release but he needed some time away from the Normandy. Having a game full of puzzles to solve would give him something to think about in his off duty hours other than Shepard, who was in his thoughts far too much. He was looking forward to some shore leave with her, and had toyed with the idea of asking her out for dinner tonight, but this mission was too important for distractions.
He'd found a nice little alcove for his sleeping bag and was pleased to see that he wasn't the only one camping out to get the game first thing in the morning. C-Sec patrols came through roughly every couple of hours so it should be a relatively quiet night, and one without Joker's constant smartass remarks about his feelings for Shepard.
"Kaidan! I'm so glad to see you here. I don't think I can get Shepard back to the Normandy in this condition. I'll just leave her in your capable hands until she sobers up a bit."
He looked around to see Dr. Chakwas struggling with Shepard who was not only obviously drunk but also soaking wet with her clothes clinging and leaving little to the imagination. He decided he really didn't want to know what happened. It was Shepard after all, so it could have been any number of hundreds of different scenarios.
Shepard giggled. "Yes Kaidan, why don't you show me how capable those hands are."
Kaidan was doing his best not to blush and ignored Shepard for the moment. "What the hell am I supposed to do with her in this condition? People are going to see her here."
Dr. Chakwas patted his arm. "I'm sure you'll think of something Kaidan."
He was stopped from replying as Shepard burst into song, or at least that's what he thought it was. He looked at Dr. Chakwas questioningly. "What the hell is that?"
"Oh, don't mind Shepard's attempts at singing. We went to a bar that had an Elcor mariachi band and she seems to be quite taken with them."
"You're kidding right? Must have been a hell of a drink." He gestured towards Shepard. "But why is she all wet?"
"Well, she sort of fell into the fountain outside the bar. Don't worry Kaidan, I'm sure you'll be able to find some way to keep her quiet." She pushed Shepard towards him and made a quick getaway.
Shepard snuggled close to his chest as he watched in disbelief as Dr. Chakwas hurried away. He pushed her away, "Damn it, Shepard, you're wet."
"Kaidan I'm cold and you're nice and warm," she said plaintively.
He pushed her towards the alcove where his sleeping bag lay, "Strip your wet clothes off and get in there, Shepard."
He watched as she attempted to get in the bag fully clothed. So much for my plans for a night of not thinking about Shepard. "Shepard, take your clothes off first."
He was trying not to watch her attempts to strip but had to catch her as she stumbled when taking off her shirt. Things were made worse as she started to sing La Cucaracha and tried to strip in time. She had quite some difficulty peeling off her wet jeans but he decided it was far safer to let her struggle than to try and help her in this condition. Once she was down to her underwear Kaidan told her to get in the bag, not sure he could take much more as he glanced around to make sure no-one was taking any notice.
She was mercifully silent as she clambered into the bag. "Sleep it off Shepard. I'll make sure no-one disturbs you."
Unfortunately, speaking to her had her bursting into song again, but she only seemed to remember the words 'La Cucaracha' and repeated them over and over again. "Shepard, forget about singing and go to sleep before you attract attention."
"I'm trying to attract your attention, Kaidan. I'm still cold."
He stared down at her for a few minutes before shaking his head. "You make it hard sometimes Shepard, you really do."
She giggled. "Well I thought that was the eventual goal, you know, eventually."
He shook his head, this was going to be a long night. "Very eloquent, Shepard. I'm sure that will work next time you want to give an inspiring speech to the team."
He watched her for a moment as she tried to snuggle further into the sleeping bag. His first aid training kicked in as he noticed that her teeth were chattering. She obviously was cold. He realised that the only way to warm her up was body contact. With a sigh he removed his shirt and clambered into the bag beside her, pulling her close. He was thankful that he'd bought the large sized sleeping bag. She wasn't helping his peace of mind by immediately snuggling into him and running her hands up and down his back. At least she's stopped singing.
After fifteen minutes she started wiggling around. "Something's sticking into me Kaidan."
It wasn't him. He'd been thinking about anything and everything that would take his mind off the fact he was so close to her. "It's your imagination Shepard, just go to sleep."
She continued to wriggle against him and he quickly grabbed her hands as he felt them sliding along his hips. I sure as hell don't need that.
"There's something in your pants, you'll have to take them off."
He sighed. This wasn't how he quite envisioned getting naked with Shepard. "If I take them off will you go to sleep?" He didn't wait for an answer before immediately trying to wiggle out of his pants in the confined space. His efforts were hindered by Shepard who decided to try and help him.
"What did you get up to tonight, Shepard? He asked to draw her attention to something else, and immediately regretted it as she burst into song again. He managed to shush her for long enough to get some garbled explanation about the Elcor mariachi band that Dr Chakwas mentioned.
Kaidan was only half listening to her as he glanced around and saw that her bouts of breaking into song were attracting attention. This wasn't going to work. He needed to get hold of someone that could get Shepard back to the Normandy.
After trying to contact Dr. Chakwas, Garrus, Liara, Tali, and Wrex to help he realised he only had two options left, Captain Anderson or Joker. There's no way I even want to attempt to explain this to Anderson. With a sinking feeling he contacted Joker and told him to send help to get Shepard back to the Normandy as inconspicuously as possible. He cut the call short before Joker could ask any questions.
An hour later he saw a familiar figure walking towards him. "Thank God you're here Garrus," Kaidan exclaimed.
"Kaidan, what's the problem? Joker just said you needed help to avoid C-Sec and any lurking media, although it all looks pretty quiet here."
Shepard's head appeared from the sleeping bag, "Garrus!"
Garrus' eyes widened at the sight of Shepard and he turned his gaze back to Kaidan, "Oh. Now I see the problem. Did you two have to pick a public place like this to finally get together?"
Kaidan groaned. "I'm going to kill Joker, and you too if you laugh Garrus. We have to get Shepard out of here before someone recognises her." Shepard burst into song at that point, "or hears her," Kaidan shook his head ruefully as he tried to shush her.
Garrus stood with his arms crossed trying not to laugh at Kaidan's predicament. "Why not just get out of the sleeping bag?"
Kaidan felt himself blushing, "Well, Shepard's kind of semi-naked, and I only have my shorts on."
Garrus laughed at Kaidan's discomfort. "Can I ask why Shepard is kind of semi-naked and you only have your shorts on?"
"It's a long story that we don't have time for right now, Garrus. Hopefully I'll be able to laugh about it in about a hundred years, if the stress of being around Shepard doesn't kill me before much longer."
The conversation was interrupted by Shepard, "Alenko, is that a gun in your pocket?"
Garrus laughed out loud, "I think his calibrations are just happy to see you Shepard."
Shepard sighed, "That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me Kaidan."
Kaidan looked at Garrus with narrowed eyes, "I wish I had a gun right now. I'd shoot you and then myself."
"What, and leave Shepard to explain what happened?
"She's Shepard." Kaidan shrugged, "I'm sure she could come up with something slightly believable. Besides, I have no idea what happened. All I know is that it has something to do with an Elcor mariachi band. The woman should be declared a natural disaster when she's not on duty."
"Only around you though, it seems. Face it Kaidan, you wouldn't want her any other way."
Kaidan sighed. "Do something useful and pass me my pants."
"Just get out and get them."
"Did you miss the part where I only have my shorts on?"
"Well I wouldn't want to deprive all these people of the chance to see what was voted as the best ass in the galaxy by an over whelming majority of the Normandy crew." He waved his hand towards the people in the area.
"Did I ever tell you about the time I kicked a Turian?"
Garrus laughed again. "You would have to get out of the sleeping bag for that Kaidan, and then you can get your own damn pants."
Kaidan's eyes narrowed. He really was starting to get fed up. "I'm warning you Garrus."
"Alright, keep your shirt on." Garrus moved as if to look for Kaidan's pants. "Damn, looks like you've lost that too."
Kaidan crawled from the sleeping bag. "You are spending way too much time with Joker. I may have to speak to Shepard about that….when she's back to normal."
Garrus was having a hard time keeping his laughter in check. "What, and let her know you gave a bunch of strangers a chance to ogle your ass? You know how she feels about anyone staring at it."
"Shut up, Garrus," he said as he blushed and quickly pulled his clothes on.
Shepard was being mercifully quiet and had disappeared into the sleeping bag as he spoke quietly to Garrus about the best way to get her back to the Normandy. Kaidan felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to see four Elcors dressed in Mariachi clothing.
"Profuse apologies for interrupting, but we heard that there is a fan of our band out here who is singing our songs. Happy sigh, we would like to meet them."
Kaidan looked at them in disbelief, a pained expression on his face. "Oh God, that's all I need."
Garrus was now doubled over with laughter as he heard Shepard's muffled voice from within the sleeping bag and Kaidan dropped to his knees and tried to hold the opening of the bag closed. Kaidan's voice was strained as he directed them to another part of the ward. He waited till they were out of sight before releasing his grasp on the sleeping bag. Shepard pushed the bag from her face and sat up.
Noticing Garrus staring at her Kaidan quickly grabbed a t-shirt and handed it to her. "For God's sake Shepard put this on."
She put it on and crawled from the sleeping bag then proceeded to give Garrus a demonstration of the mariachi band, unfortunately she accompanied her singing with what Kaidan thought were supposed to be dance moves. He didn't know what to call them but only saw that her t-shirt was riding up as she executed them. Before he could grab her she danced off to 'entertain' more people. He groaned as he noticed she had attracted the attention of the C-Sec patrol.
Kaidan and Garrus watched as the exchange between Shepard and C-Sec became more heated.
Garrus crossed his arms as he watched the exchange. "This is not looking good. I hope she's too drunk to use her biotics, or even remember that she is a biotic."
"Not so loud, Garrus. She might hear you and then all hell will break loose."
"Just be thankful she doesn't have her rocket launcher." He grinned and then nodded towards Shepard, "Don't you think we should intervene?"
Kaidan was stopped from replying as Shepard let loose a string of curses and swung her fist at the Turian trying to restrain her.
"Well that's torn it," Kaidan muttered as the patrol with the now handcuffed Shepard walked in their direction. They stopped in front of Kaidan.
"Sir is this woman with you?"
Kaidan hesitated for a moment before telling them that she wasn't. For the sake of his sanity he thought she'd be much better off in a C-Sec cell until she sobered up.
Garrus shook his head as he watched Shepard being led away. "I can't decide whether you're very brave or very stupid. You'd better hope that Shepard doesn't remember this later or you're likely to get shot in the ass again, but it will be her doing the shooting. I wouldn't stand in front of her next time we're on a mission if I was you."
"She wouldn't do that, she likes my ass too much," he tried to sound confident but doubt was creeping into his mind.
Garrus laughed. "You don't sound very convinced Kaidan. If Shepard's pissed off even your so called perfect ass won't be safe."
"As drunk as she is there's no way she'll remember anything. I'll bail her out once I'm done here and she's slept it off."
"Just what exactly are you doing here anyway? It's not exactly the perfect camping out spot."
Kaidan blushed slightly and said defensively, "I'm just waiting for something that's all."
Garrus gave him a knowing look. "So you're waiting for Galactic Raider 2. We all wondered what you do at that terminal all the time and I guess now we know."
Shepard rubbed her eyes and groaned as memory of the previous night resurfaced now that the Elcor band had finally exhausted their repertoire. The Elcors had been arrested just before her for busking without a permit. The C-Sec officer had gleefully told them that she was the fan they had been looking for so they had entertained her for hours. Somehow they just weren't quite as entertaining when she was sober.
Her thoughts turned to Kaidan, he'd probably never speak to her again, or he'd request a transfer. Can't say I'd blame him. More memories flooded into her mind. Wait a minute the rat bastard let C-Sec take me without an argument. She decided that anger might be the best way of covering up her embarrassment with him. It was all his fault anyway. If he hadn't been there Chakwas would have managed to get her safely back to the Normandy. What the hell was he doing camping out on Zakera Ward anyway? She vaguely remembered him speaking to Joker at one point. Why the hell would he call Joker of all people for help? Her thoughts were interrupted by a Turian opening her cell.
"Someone is here to collect you, ma'am."
"It's about time!" She stood up and headed towards the front desk, grimacing when she saw that it was Kaidan who had come to bail her out. She groaned and pulled at the t-shirt she was wearing when she realised he wasn't alone. Son of a bitch, Joker's there too.
Joker was looking at her with a wide grin on his face. "Nice legs, Shepard."
She glared at him. "Shut up, Joker. Not one word."
"At least you had entertainment." The Turian officer indicated the Elcors now sitting mercifully quiet in their cell.
"Yeah, thanks for that. I'll be sure to tell all my friends."
"You seemed to enjoy them last night on the ward. It's a good thing they were busking without a license or you would have missed out on a personal concert by your favourite band. You even gave them an endorsement, which really seemed to excite them and kept them going for hours." He hit a switch and her voice came loud and clear over the loudspeakers, "Fangirl squee, I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favourite Mariachi band on the Citadel."
"What the hell? I never did that. I'll be demanding a full enquiry into how you managed to loop my voice together to do that." She turned to glare at Joker who was now laughing uncontrollably, before turning back to the C-Sec officer. "And at least you got to hear the concert as well," she said sweetly before raising her voice again, "What the hell was I arrested for anyway?"
"Disturbing the peace, indecent exposure, resisting arrest, and assaulting an officer." He pointed to his eye as he said the last.
She ignored Kaidan and Joker, who stood as she approached, and banged her hand on the desk. "You idiots, I'm a Spectre. I was on a case and you blew my cover by bringing me in."
"On a case drunk? If you're a Spectre I'm the head dancing girl at Chora's Den."
She looked down pointedly. "Not with those legs you're not. It was a cover. I wasn't really drunk."
"Maybe you should be acting in films on the extranet then if you're that good an actress and given the way you were dressed I'm sure you'd get quite a fan base."
"That's what I keep telling her but she threatened me if I put any vid of her in action up on the extranet." Joker said wiping tears from his eyes.
She turned to Joker, "What the hell are you doing here? You never leave the damn ship."
"This was just too good to miss, Shepard. I'm only sorry I didn't come out last night after hearing Garrus' version of events. But it seems I'll have company on the ship from now on. The crew took a vote and decided that you were only allowed to leave the ship to shoot stuff."
She gave him her sweetest smile. "The way things are going I won't have to leave the ship to shoot stuff." She turned to Kaidan. "Just get me out of here so I can get back to my ship."
Joker turned to Kaidan and said quietly. "This is all your fault Alenko. If you'd stop pussyfooting around, Shepard wouldn't be orgasmically challenged and would be in a much better mood."
"Shepard, you might want to put these on before we leave." He handed her a pair of jeans that he'd brought for her to wear and hoped like hell that Shepard hadn't heard Joker.
"That's Commander Shepard, Lieutenant," she said tersely, taking the jeans from him before turning her back and proceeding to put them on.
Kaidan looked a bit taken aback but merely said "Aye, Aye, Ma'am."
She turned back to him and said through gritted teeth, "We'll discuss crew loyalty when we get back to the ship, Lieutenant."
The Turian guffawed, "Oh that should be an interesting talk."
Shepard rounded on him. "You do know that I could kill you with my mind?"
"I doubt that lady. You'd need a mind to do that and you seem to have lost yours."
"You want to go another round? I can give you another black eye to match. I'd go for your balls but I doubt you have any."
"That's okay, lady. I'm sure I can get some from you." He indicated Kaidan. "You seem to have your boyfriends well in hand."
She turned and stalked off. "Let's go Lieutenants; we've wasted enough time hanging around here." Everyone was going to get a piece of her mind when she got back to the Normandy. Chakwas for not getting her back to the ship, Garrus for laughing, Kaidan for the embarrassment he'd caused her and Joker just because he was a smart mouthed bastard.