Prologue
It was not an easy thing for me to say. The things I've done in all that time I was with that man. I was not confused and I was not scared. Nor could I say that this was another one of my stupid, childish mistakes. I made a risky choice in being with him. He was not like most men anyways. His home was messy with papers. It was just one big clutter. It seemed like there was an invisible volcano of papers and laundry in the middle of his house that erupted daily. It was silent and subtle and I did not mind its presence. My boyfriend was a messy person as I was and it made me feel better to be around someone who did not nag to be about cleaning. I did what I had to in order to keep the home clean. I did dishes and vacuumed here and there.
We never did have a stable home. The second I moved in with him, I hid from him. For days. He would go off to 'work' and I would explore. It was a dinky apartment but when you are as alone as I am, you learn how to occupy yourself with the dumbest of things. You learn how to create something out of absolute nothing. You learn to stare at a wall and turn it into your canvas, your eyes its paintbrush. You learn how to do so much. You learn how to make things out of lightweight paper. You learn how to make a scrumptious new meal, which my boyfriend grew to appreciate once I began to open up to him. Sometimes you even get so lonely and bored out of your mind you just look through dictionaries to learn new words. I used to look in dictionaries with my friends as a teenager but instead of learning like we should from a dictionary, we looked up profanities like the childish brats we were. What do you do after you learn all you can? You can never learn all you can. There is something new to find. No one can be so full of knowledge and I believe if one was, their head would be the size of Jupiter. No one wants their head that big.
I am still learning now. I am not someone conceited. Not one bit. I am actually awful shy and in result, I am too timid to gloat like some others. I am smart, nonetheless. I do not parade around with it. That's not who I am. What I'm trying to say is that I know a lot. Too much. But there is one thing I have no idea how to do nor do I fully understand what it is. This foreign thing called 'love'. This ugly, disgusting, pointless, abstract thing called 'love'. I am not bitter… okay, perhaps a bit. My parents never got along and they fought daily. They divorced each other when I was young and my father still struggles to find someone who will make him happy. Why must he have someone else to make him happy? I always asked myself that question but when I met this man, this mysterious man I've been living with for months, I saw so many things differently. He was another world and I had the key to see this new world. This odd world. I was hesitant but I opened myself up to this world and what I saw was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on.