"Here looks like a good place to make camp," I declared, placing my sleeping bag onto the cold stone floor. The others followed me, some dragging their feet from exhaustion.
"Says Hawke with a grin…" Varric muttered, holding Bianca close. It was a beautiful weapon, one crafted with quite the amount of skill. Its' wood had been stained to a deep brown, like the color of mud. I rolled my eyes, chuckling under my breath.
"You know, I really hate it when you do that." I glared at him sarcastically, watching him laugh. Merrill laughed as well, sitting down near the cave. Her dark hair was short, blowing gently in the wind. Her green eyes shone with curiosity, as they always had since the day I met her. "Hey Merrill," I called, gently brushing away the dirt from our camp. Hard to do since it's out in the Wilds, but heck, a woman can try.
"Yes Hawke? What can I do for you…ooh, can I make the fire? I swear I won't burn anyone this time." She giggled at the end, remembering. I groaned, rubbing my left arm absentmindedly. She hadn't gotten the hang of her fire spell, nearly charring me to a crisp.
"That was a disaster." I agreed, picking up the supplies and moving deeper into the cave. Stalactites hung from the ceiling, adding an ominous look to the whole place. "I was actually wondering if you could keep these two in check…you know how Fenris likes to debate with Varric about mages and their issues…" I murmured, thinking of how his hair gleamed in the sunlight, the muscles clenching under his tunic, his mossy eyes watching me. I sighed to myself, thinking of his beauty.
"Say, where did that elf go?" Varric asked, watching mice run through the bushes around our camp. I snapped to attention; Fenris was gone? He probably got tired of dealing with me, I thought sadly. We had a thing about three years ago, but he left me because he felt he wasn't good enough for me. And still, my heart yearns for his touch. Merrill snorted, rolling her eyes.
"I don't care. He hates me just because I used blood magic!" She scoffed, shaking her head. "People these days…" I sighed, running a hand through my hair. It had become matted with dirt, blood and other things I'd rather not think of. A bath was what I needed; luckily, we had passed a small pond on our way here, about two hundred yards back.
"I'm going to go take a bath. You guys guard the fort." I grinned, walking towards the stream we had passed earlier.
Birds flew through the leaves, chirping noisily as they went. Sun shone through the trees, painting splotches of yellow on the forest floor. I listened to the water bubbling, slowly making its' way through the woods. I arrived there, quickly undressing, and stepped into the clear pool. It was warm, with fish swimming around my toes. I bathed, humming a tune, watching the water swell and recede. Fenris was at the back of my brain, his dark, mossy eyes, snow white hair, watching me. I shuddered, trying to focus on the warmth of the water. But his image wouldn't leave me alone; the way he felt against me, pressing his lips softly to mine. The burning desire I felt when we were in the same room, searching glances that were always so awkward. I loved him, even though we hadn't been together for over three years. I shuddered, trying to shake the image. His muscular chest, marked heavily with lyrium, sweat beading on it. His dark eyes, burning with such a passion that I couldn't speak. The way he'd caress my face softly, with a touch that sent shocks down my spine.
"My, my, the champion of Kirkwall, bathing in a simple stream. How unlike her…" A familiar voice called behind me. I knew that voice anywhere.
"I like simple, Fenris." I said stoically, facing away from him. I was screaming in my head, horrified that he came upon me bathing. I heard his footsteps, walking towards me. Fear whizzed through my body, my insides screaming to run. Yet all I wanted to do was run my fingers through his hair.
"I know," he whispered, his breath tickling my ear. A shiver of desire ran through me, and I shuddered automatically. He took a strand of my hair, twisting it in his fingers. "I've always loved your hair, so soft." He mused, patting it softly back into place. My face was hot, blush coloring my cheeks. His soft lips pressed against my neck, his tongue lightly tracing my scar that ran down my throat, my back and ended at my thigh. It was when I battled the Arishok, one on one, and his axe swung down, slashing a hole into my back. Anders spent hours trying to close the wound, swearing bitterly each time I screamed. The pain still lingers, and I shudder with agony. It was burning, the fire of his blade tearing through me again. I remember the way Fenris watched with horror as I slit the throat of the Arishok before passing out, our blood mingling on the viscount's floor. There's still a stain there, crimson, faded now to a milder red. He nipped me, bringing me back to reality.
My heart was exploding with desire, but I kept my emotions in check. His hands were gently tracing lines in my back, so soft I could barely feel them. He bit me suddenly, and I cried out, both in pain and utter desire. He grunted, shoving me against the stone wall, gently kissing my throat. I couldn't breathe, my hands grasping at the wall, trying to slow my heart down. It was racing so fast, so wickedly fast. He never had loved me like this, out in public. It scared me. Suddenly, his lips attacked mine, and I could not control my desire anymore.
My fingers knotted in his hair, my breathing was coming in wild gasps. He grasped me tighter, his lips fusing with mine. We exploded, burning in each other's' arms until our need was at least sated. He was the first to become still, holding me to his chest while I kissed him tenderly. He held me out away from him, his green eyes flashing with desire. "Hawke," he whispered softly, tenderly. I smiled at him, forcing my eyes to bore into his rather than look at the ground. "You are so beautiful." He set me down, kissing my neck, and stepped away. I didn't hear his retreat, until I turned around and he was gone. Depression clung to me like the smell of an ogre as I sulked back to camp. Clouds were swirling wickedly in the air, wind was blowing and I shivered in my wet clothing. So much for my burning desire; that of course, was raging inside me, sending shocks down my body. When I arrived, a fire had started and Merrill was beaming.
"I did it Hawke! I made a fire without killing anyone!" I laughed with her, giving her a hug.
"Good job, sweetie." I said, tickling her stomach. Her laugh was bubbly, like a child's. I smiled, happy that she could be so carefree when we were in danger. And yes, Fenris was sitting by the fire, watching my face intently. As I met his glance, his eyes burned into mine and slowly, he looked back down into the flames. His white hair was over his eyes, glowing different colors in the firelight. It was beautiful, although he always took my breath away. I blushed, looking down. Varric was already snoring, his jacket over him like a blanket. It struck me as hilarious, because I started howling with laughter, the way he held Bianca close to his chest, muttering words and swears in different languages. I stretched my arms, lying down inside the cave. "I'm going to hit the hay," I said sleepily, snuggling into the rock as best I could. Merrill climbed in next to me, claiming the sleeping bag.
"Night." She muttered, her eyes closing quickly. I smiled, gently patting her head, watching her chest rise and fall with her breath. I sighed and took a deep breath.
"Goodnight Fenris." I called out into the darkness, waiting for the awkward silence that always met my greetings. Instead, I heard a soft reply:
"Goodnight, my sweet."
Merrill snored softly, her soft black hair tangled in front of her face. She was wrapped snugly in the sleeping bag, the only one of us four staying warm. Beside me, Fenris sat calmly, eyes shut in concentration. Or sleep, I really couldn't tell. Varric was shivering outside, still asleep. I was shivering in my tunic, cursing softly under my breath. How cold could this pit get? It had to be twelve below; I had icicles under my nose. And we still had miles to cover to reach the Deep Roads. The stupid artifact had to be returned, the old woman had warned, or more trouble would brew. I coughed, the cold setting in, and I started shivering harder.
"Cold?" Fenris's gentle voice whispered, patting me on the shoulder. I jumped, nearly knocking into him. He really never talked to me other than to help my battle skills.
"Sorry, you startled me." I replied, smiling at him. His dark eyes were calm, a soft smile on his face. "That's nice." I mused, mostly to myself. Fenris cocked his head to one side, confused. I grinned wider. "You're smiling again. That makes me happy…" I trailed off, turning away so he couldn't see my blush. Vivid memories filled my mind from three years ago; that night, lonely and alone, both of us craving for human affection. And we haven't spoken about it since. I felt his hand on my shoulder release and gently grab my chin, forcing me to look at him. His armor was frigid, ice literally thawing as it touched my skin. His eyes were unreadable, his lips set into a line.
"Why? Why does that make you happy Hawke?" he asked softly, looking at me with such a fierce expression, I couldn't answer for a minute. I gulped.
"I hate…seeing you so silent, so stoic. It makes me think…I did something wrong, something bad." I answered, never taking my eyes off him. He grinned, and I sighed in relief.
"You think you could do something like that to me?" He said sarcastically, and then looked completely serious. His eyes were green fire. "I know you could, you beautiful, oversensitive woman. I guess," He sighed, then smiled warmly at me. "If it makes you happy, I can deal with it." He released me, leaning gently against the stone wall. His eyes were shut, his lips in a faint smile. I smiled, and then leaned back against my makeshift pillow. His words ran through me over and over, making my heart pound. Sleep came restlessly, dreams pounding me; his face that night, the disgust on his face, his words that stung deeply in my chest. And I woke up crying. I was ashamed to show weakness here. I wiped away the tears furiously, and then went to go stand outside in the night.
Snow had fallen, leaving the barren landscape a beautiful, sparkling blanket. I sighed, clutching my sides for warmth. The moon shone overhead, and a million stars littered the sky. Sadness overwhelmed me, and I felt hot tears run down my face. "Oh Maker," I cried softly. "What do I do? I'm so lost…please. Let Fenris not hate me…after that hell of a night." Sobs broke free of my chest, a keening rather than a moan.
"I don't hate you Hawke." His voice sliced through the darkness. I whirled around, surprised and scared. New tears rolled down my face, a new, unknown emotion surging through me. I had a sudden urge to throw my arms around him and sob. But I was able to keep my arms rigid at my side, my lips set in a thin line. "It's the exact opposite actually." Fenris confessed, stepping closing to me. I stayed in my place, fear and desire keeping me here. I craved to run my fingers through his hair, caress his face softly. I answered through my teeth.
"What do you mean?" I asked, my heart thudding loudly in my chest; he could probably hear it. He sighed and closed the distance between us in three long strides, taking my face in his hands. Just his touch sent shivers down my spine, a new surge of desire through me. I gasped just as his lips came down on mine, first angrily then softer, more gentle. But despite the caution we exploded like a spark to gasoline. Our lips fused together as if nothing could divide them, not even Ander's magic. My fingers knotted in his hair, his arms wrapped tightly around my back, so tight I couldn't breathe. And yet, it wasn't as tight as I wanted it. What was this?
He ended the kiss, pressing his lips against mine once more softly before breaking away with a sigh. My face felt hot and I lowered my eyes, ashamed I had let desire rule my actions. "Sorry." I mumbled, my eyes swimming yet again. I remembered earlier in the day, our encounter in the stream, whispering my name. Fenris still had his arms wrapped around me, and he crushed me against his chest. I could hear his heart beating, a soft thumping, quick and quiet. It slowed the tears just enough so that I could speak. "I mean, also about that night three years ago. I shouldn't have done that." Fenris's lips were suddenly at my ear, his voice choked up with emotion.
"No, that was the greatest night of my life. Not because of what we did, but because of who I was with. You complete me, Hawke. I was a fool to leave and to have left you hanging…" I felt him shake his head in disgust. He pulled my chin up again, his eyes filled with emotion. "I remember your touch as if it was yesterday, and I now ask for forgiveness. I should've asked long ago." He smiled, a single tear rolling down his face. I was in shock; he, for one, had never spoken that much at one time, unless it was to curse Danarius. Plus, he had asked for my forgiveness and cried about it. I smiled back at him, tears rolling down my face.
"I understand." I sighed, and then continued. "I always understood. You had your reasons, and I attempted to respect them." I laughed quietly in the darkness, thinking of all those quick glances towards him, watching his eyes slowly meet mine. And they were filled with confusion, hurt, and something I couldn't put my finger on. Every moment we'd accidently brush fingers or shoulders, I'd feel as if I was filled with electricity, running haywire through my body. And I'd look into his eyes and see that same desire, the same feeling coursing through him. He smiled, and took my hand.
"Now, my Hawke, let's get some rest." He whispered, leading me back to the cave. My heart was swelled with emotion, and the searing fissure in my heart had been filled. I was completed, thanks to this escaped slave. And I loved him.
"I love you," I whispered happily, wrapping my arms around him. I felt him kiss the top of my head. We snuggled into the rock, me on top, his hands gently caressing my face. I buried my face in his chest, loving the way he held me; cradling, loving, caring. All things I had missed in the past three years. His reply was hushed, trying to lull me to sleep.
"As do I, my sweet." He laughed softly, and all was right in my world.