Roxanne's Vacation
A/N: I know there's not a lot of dialogue at first, but be patient because there will be towards the end of the story. The narrative at the beginning is a setup for why Roxanne eventually gets upset. Read to see why!
Vacation, Day 1
Roxanne Ritchi, intrepid reporter for KMCP-8 News, was at home for a change and taking a much needed vacation. Not that she wanted to take a break, but a direct order from her boss said otherwise. He wouldn't take her multiple "no's" for an answer. She'd been tirelessly reporting—traveling from one end of the States to the other, which entailed early mornings, late nights and the adoption of terrible daily habits…donuts, caffeine and tacos. Her system was all out of whack considering she was pelting it with very bad, but very delicious carbs. Junk food was not typical of Roxanne's usual cuisine, but a top notch reporter on the go didn't have time for anything besides greasy fast food.
The last couple of weeks entailed the following of Metro Man's Tour of Peace across the Nation. The whole thing had been his idea—not a surprise in the least. He was a big ham and the camera loved him almost as much as the populous. She and a few others from the Channel 8 staff had been assigned to go along for the ride to document his heroic acts on film. The last three weeks had been nonstop interviews with the superhero and the lives of the citizens he saved.
Even though she was sporting a serious case of jet lag, she'd returned to the office anyway. After taking one look at her travel worn appearance, her boss had taken pity on her and demanded she go straight home. She had 246 hours of unused annual leave that had been accumulating so long they were beginning to fester. She'd protested. She'd thrown a fit. No one could do her job as well as she and if the news didn't take a break, then neither would she! All of her protests had fallen on deaf ears.
Now that she was back in her comfy apartment, however, she was extremely thankful that her boss had threatened to fire her—though he hadn't really mean it—if she didn't get a well-deserved rest. A little R&R never hurt anybody. To be alone with the silence after weeks of noisy travel was a vacation alone. Her travel companions had consisted of another reporter and two from the camera crew. Brad was loquacious, which was probably a good trait for a reporter, but his tendency to crack jokes no one but the voices in his head understood was obnoxious. His camerawoman Jennie was nice, but had a voice that sounded like it was hooked up to a helium drip. Then there was her creepy cameraman Hal. She couldn't put her finger on it yet, but there was just something about him that screamed closet serial killer.
Oh…it felt so good to be home. Even the annoying drip…drip…drip…of the faucet in the kitchen was music to her ears. She made a mental note to fix that tomorrow. But for now she reveled in the joy of silence, left the TV off and crashed on her favorite piece of furniture—the squishy red couch and was asleep within five minutes. She'd dumped her suitcases and carry-on full of souvenirs she'd promised her mother by the door to her apartment, vowing to unpack tomorrow.
Her last thoughts were of Megamind. Hopefully, he wouldn't be kidnapping her anytime soon because she really needed a break before the next evil plan to take over the city was unveiled. Once vacation was over, then she'd be happy to go along with...whatever.
Right now she was just too tired.
Vacation, Day 2
All of the laundry from her trip was done. While changing the sheets of her bed she noticed little piles of dust at the top of the curtains and grabbed a vacuum. That's when the cleaning frenzy took over. It was a little embarrassing to see just how much gunk had collected on the grout between the tiles in the shower. There was a mass of cobwebs on the baseboards of the kitchen cabinets. She didn't even want to think about how long the eight-legged critters had been scurrying around her bare toes. With the addition of a little elbow grease, the laminate in her kitchen sparkled and shined.
It was like a new apartment! Spring cleaning was actually kind of fun, but Roxanne definitely had to be in the mood. It was a necessary evil that really couldn't be ignored no matter how hard she tried, rather like Megamind. In his case, it was more like a necessary sorta-evil. Dusting made her nose itch. Bathrooms were just plain gross…obviously. But she was home for the next two weeks and even though she preferred to relax while on vacation, there was no excuse. Dirty things would only get dirtier the more she ignored them.
For once in her life, the sock drawer really did need to be rearranged so she sat on the floor, rolling up and color coding each pair. The last pair she picked up was of an embroidered puppy wearing a Santa hat barking the cheesy line, "Merry Woof-mas!" Her mother had given her these, but Roxanne only wore them when she visited her mother during the Christmas season.
Hal had been paying a lot more attention to her than she was comfortable with and for some weird reason, all of the cliché lines about having something else to do rather than go on a date with him had actually worked. Of the excuses, she'd used re-lacing her tennis shoes, washing her hair and working late. The sock drawer excuse had yet to come up. She purposely left the pair of Christmas socks in an unarranged pile so she could truthfully tell Hal that she would be busy rearranging the sock drawer. That way she didn't have to lie. By a slight technicality was it true. The cameraman would no doubt harass her for a date when she got back to work. The fact that he'd fallen for all of those classic excuses was almost as disturbing as his stalker-ish tendencies. Almost.
Next she headed to the linen closet because it too was in a sad state of disorganization. Just two days of vacation had passed and Megamind had yet to make an appearance. She'd been expecting him to interrupt her spring cleaning. He always interrupted her plans to carry out his deeds of dastardly cunning. It didn't matter if she had a date—rare as they were—or a terrible head cold, which she had been happy to give away to the self-proclaimed "evil" overlord. By the time her next kidnapping rolled around, he was coughing and nasal. Afterwards, he began delaying the kidnappings anytime she was under the weather.
"After all, Ms. Ritchi, no self-respecting criminal genius—me—can accomplish any e-vil while dodging the germs you see fit to sneeze all over me."
Roxanne smirked into her pillow after a long day's work. How considerate of that egotistical E.T.!
Drip…drip…drip…
She lightly smacked her forehead, annoyed that she had forgotten about the leaky faucet again. There had just been too much to do today. Most tenants would call the landlord, but Roxanne was into the whole do-it-yourself craze. Who needed to wait on a forgetful landlord anyway?
Vacation, Day 5
It was amazing how much she'd been able to get done in one week. The spring cleaning had taken several days, but it was finished. Maybe saving up vacation time to scrub everything down was a good idea. It had certainly paid off because the apartment was now spic-and-span.
She dumped the sack of products she'd just purchased from a hardware store onto the kitchen counter. Now that the apartment was clean, she was going to mess it up again. During the cleaning, she'd noticed a few minor problems that needed repairs and was confident she could accomplish them without help. After changing into a pair of paint-stained blue jeans and a ratty Metro City University tee-shirt, she pulled out a toolbox and a step ladder.
The television was on in the background, mostly for noise while she caulked the various cracks that had appeared above the crown molding around the living room ceiling. The apartment looked brand new after she scrubbed everything down and the desire to redecorate wouldn't go away. Feeling adventurous, she'd bought a few paint samples. She wanted a new comforter anyway and three walls in the bedroom were to be the test canvas for the crazy colors she'd chosen…dark purple, candy apple red and sky blue. A few flicks of the paint brush and a sizeable square of paint colored each wall. Picking a spot on the floor in the middle of the room, she folded her legs beneath her and studied each wall. All three colors were complemented the room, but found she was drawn to the blue. Red had always been her favorite color in the past, but for some reason blue was growing on her lately.
She was busy working on the leaky faucet when the phone rang, displaying her mother's number on the caller ID screen.
"Hey, Mom! How are you?"
"Hi, honey! Welcome home. I'm sitting down. Tell me all about your trip!"
Roxanne obliged, glad to have a nice distraction from the faucet that just didn't seem to want fixing. The drips were coming a little faster now that she'd gotten her hands on it. Terrific.
"Your trip sounded so exciting, Roxanne. Imagine…getting to follow Metro Man from coast to coast…and be paid for it! Course, I'd do it for free! He's sooooo handsome."
"Eh, he's okay," she said, putting her feet up on the coffee table.
"Just okay?" hollered her mother. Roxanne moved the phone away from her ear, but could still hear her mother's shocked voice. "Are you dead? Have you even looked at Metro Man? Seen those bulging biceps?"
"Well, they are kind of hard to miss considered they're covered in tights and fringe."
"You have to admit, he's a very handsome man, Roxanne," she said slowly.
She pressed the phone back to her ear. "Yes, he is. But not my type, Mother," she said sternly, rolling her eyes at the same old repetitious conversation her mother insisted on dredging up.
Her mother sniffed into the phone. "If you don't snatch him up, someone else will."
"Good. They can have him."
"Roxanne, I think he likes you."
She laughed. "Of course he does! He's a celebrity and a big ham and I'm a reporter with a camera to catch all of the hamy-ness on film."
"Oh, that's right. You're more of an intellectual fan."
"Exactly. I want quality. Not quantity of muscles."
Her mother laughed. "Fine! Have it your way. If only Megamind would kidnap me, then I could meet Metro Stud personally and be rescued!"
"I could probably arrange that for you," she said, thinking that her mother was ready to date again after being divorced for over three years.
"But Megamind would never pick another woman to kidnap so I guess I'm out of luck. He certainly…has a fixation wouldn't you say?"
"On what? The size of his brain?"
"You, of course. If I didn't know any better, I'd think he had a crush on you too."
Roxanne snorted. "If that's true, he certainly has a weird way of showing it."
"It figures that the only intellectual man in Metro City that's shown any interest in you would be an alien that kidnaps you on a weekly basis."
"Just my luck."
"You wouldn't…be interested back would you?"
"You didn't just ask me that did you, Mom? Please tell me you're not so desperate for your daughter to get married that you'd approve of me hooking up with a convict that has 85 life sentences?"
"No…I just meant you had the tendency to date bad boys in the past. Remember the biker with the tattoos? …And with Megamind being an escaped prisoner and all….what's so funny?"
Roxanne had started laughing hard. "Pffftt! Megamind a bad boy? He's harmless! In case you hadn't noticed, his evil plans never work, he always gets caught and he's never actually hurt me. All of the above do not classify him as a bad boy. More like a pesky mosquito…a bad penny…stomach flu..."
"Well…just be careful. Women have been known to fall in love with their captors before. They find evil and dangerous very attractive. There's a clinical name for it I think."
"Stockholm Syndrome."
"Yeah, that's it!"
"Mom, I'm not going to fall in love with Megamind."
"He might coerce you somehow," she insisted, sounding a little worried.
"Now you're just insulting my intelligence."
"If you're sure…" she trailed off doubtfully.
"Trust me, I can handle Megamind. He's too predictably predictable to ever change his routine."
Her mom chuckled. "Point taken. I guess you won't be bringing him over for a meet-the-parent evening then?"
"Not for all the sequins on Metro Man's spandex."
Vacation, Day 6
Roxanne was done with all of the cleaning and all of the repairing…except for that leaky faucet. What had seemed like a simple fix was turning out to be a bigger job than she thought. The steady dripping was now a tiny, constant stream. She called a plumber and made an appointment with him for Monday. Temptation to march back into that kitchen and try her hand at fixing it just one more time was creeping in because Roxanne hated asking for help. She'd been independent for a long time and had always been proud of how well she'd taken care of herself through the years. Every problem always had a solution and she thrived on figuring things out on her own.
Except for that darn faucet! Not that she had believed watching a few videos or talking with the sales associate at the hardware store would turn her into a master plumber overnight, but everything she'd been told to do had made perfect sense. So why couldn't she fix that stupid leak?
Rather than dwell on it too much, she decided to take a break and actually enjoy her time off. It wouldn't be much of a vacation if she spent the whole two weeks cleaning and running errands. At that pace she would need an extra week of vacation to recover from her vacation. Seven more work-free days remained and it was time to make the most of them.
Vacation, Day 7
Sunday morning rolled around and she slept in, doing nothing productive in the slightest. She lounged in bed, watched a few cooking shows and dozed. It was absolute heaven! But eventually she did get up, made an omelet and ate breakfast on the balcony. Today she wasn't going to step foot out of the apartment or try to fix the leaky faucet, though her tenacity to do so was still a struggle to fight. As long as it didn't flood her apartment, she didn't care.
She half-expected an army of brain bots to descend onto the balcony and whisk her away to dangle over a tank full of hungry alligators. This had prompted her to lounge in a tee-shirt, jeans and tennis shoes instead of comfy PJs. She wasn't about to be kidnapped without shoes again. The jerk had interrupted her sleep one night and didn't bother to grab her slippers after tying her up. Sometimes Megamind liked to do the kidnapping himself, for what reason, she didn't know. If there was a kidnapping coming up, she preferred Minion be the one to do it because he always made sure she was warmly dressed and wearing shoes first.
The brain bots never showed up though and the rest of the day went by without so much an explosion from the criminal mastermind. It was kind of weird that Megamind had let an entire week go by without kidnapping her and Roxanne was suspicious. He'd never skipped a week before. Maybe he was planning something big this time and was taking a few extra days to work out all of the details. He was such a creature of habit though…and she couldn't shake the feeling that something was off.
Tuesdays were the official kidnapping day, although he liked to change it around every now and then depending on how well his latest invention of mayhem worked, which wasn't too often. Tomorrow was the start of a new week, which meant she'd get a face-full of knock-out spray by lunch Tuesday and wake up in a cage surrounded by attack lobsters or some other ridiculous invention.
Vacation, Day 10
The plumber couldn't make it on Monday and had called to reschedule Roxanne's appointment to some point in the foreseeable future because her case wasn't really an emergency. A pipe on the property belonging to the wealthy Scott family had burst and flooded the ground floor. Wealthy families took precedence over the little people so she was currently stuck with the annoying drip…drip…drip sound for the time being.
Tuesday had come and gone without so much as a peep from Megamind and Roxanne was starting to fume. She had a big interview scheduled next week with the mayor about the city's newest project—the Metro Man Museum, which was in the beginning stages of construction. Unfortunately, the mayor's schedule was booked every other day of the week except Tuesday—her official kidnapping day. It would be just like Megamind to kidnap her right before the interview started. If that's what he was planning, then she was going to pop that giant head like a balloon.
Roxanne wondered if Wayne Scott had heard anything from Megamind yet or if he knew why the supervillain hadn't shown his face in quite some time.
"One way to take care of that!" she said, grabbing her phone to send him a text. He'd given her his private number years ago when he was interested in dating her, but she rarely called the superhero, unless it was to schedule an interview. Once his requests for a date with her had been politely turned down enough times, he finally gave up. Metro City was full of potential dates for Wayne. When lined up, they probably circled the Earth twice.
…Hi…what's up? RR
…Nothing, just chillin' in the man cave, lol
Roxanne smirked, unable to keep from rolling her eyes.
…What's Metro City's prettiest reporter up 2?
…Nothing much
…Slow day work?
…No, I'm home. Got 2 wks vacation 2 burn
…Nice! A stay-cation!
…Yeah, it's ok
There was a short pause. …Roxie, is something wrong? U need me 2 do a fly by? Megs harassing u?
Roxanne scowled at his nickname for her. …Nah…haven't heard from him in a while…have u?
…Nope, now that u mention it
…Doesn't that strike u as weird?
…Course, but I ain't gonna complain! A hero needs a break every now & then, lol
…Riiiggghhtt. Cause ur so overworked, lol
…Exactly! He's gotta b plannin somethin big b/c the city's a little 2 quiet
…I know! I haven't been kidnapped since b4 we left for the trip!
…Really? That's almost a month. That is weird.
…Yep & that's what concerns me
…Maybe he's got the flu or something?
… I doubt that would stop him. He's 2 OCD.
…Wait, isn't he still in jail? I can never keep up w/ his escapes
…No, he broke out a couple months back
…Well then, we're about due for his Mega-smoker 2 blanket MC in a black cloud & see that skinny blue face broadcasted on every station…u know…same old same old. Day in & day out…*sigh*
…U find the hostage of Metro City boring?
…Of course! I already know what Megs is gonna do b4 he does
…True! He is sooooo predictable! The fact that u haven't heard from him & that I haven't been kidnapped lately can only spell trouble!
…Like I said…we both know it's comin & we'll b back 2 the usual routine in no time
…Maybe…
…Roxie, ur getting pretty worked up about this…u don't actually miss little boy blue & all the excitement do u?
…OF COURSE NOT! :- I
…No need to shout, I was just messing w/ u, lol
…Whatever
…Geez, remind me NEVER 2 get on ur bad side
…Sorry…it's just that I basically have 2 schedule my life around the kidnappings. I actually keep it written on my desk calendar
…I thought he always kidnapped u on tues?
…Usually, he switches sometimes tho, hoping 2 take me by surprise 4 once
…Why so upset? I'd think u'd enjoy a little break from the norm
…Easy for u to say. U don't have to rearrange ur entire life around being kidnapped! If he's decided to switch the schedule up, then he'd better have a good reason 4 not consulting w/ me 1st. It's a big inconvenience b/c I'm probably gonna b forced 2 rearrange all my appointments & interviews. AGAIN….grr
…I'm telling ya, roxie, he's just planning a big one & taking his time, that's all. Now…I have 2 go. Got a hot date! ;-D
…K…have fun!
The day ended in the much the same way that it had started…quietly, and Megamind was still a no-show.
Vacation, Day 12
Roxanne glared at the faucet. Each drip of water banged against her skull until she had a terrible headache. The plumber still hadn't made it nor had he bothered to call. She held a wrench in her hand, wondering if she should try fixing it again until common sense won out. Last week she'd tried to fix it and had made it worse so it was best to just leave it alone.
Pulling her laptop out, she did a search for local plumbers because it was time to find one that would actually show up when she called to make an appointment. Just a few minutes of searching customer reviews went by before she settled on one and picked up the phone. To her extreme annoyance, the plumber was booked for the next couple of days, but they scheduled a time anyway. She glared down at her phone and tossed it onto the coffee table. Lately, patience was not her virtue.
Megamind still had yet to kidnap her. Something was very wrong with this situation.
Vacation, Day 14
Vacation was over. She'd certainly accomplished a lot around her apartment. That stupid faucet was another story entirely. The new plumber she'd made the appointment with had been nice enough to stop by after hours and take a look at her sink and no amount of protesting from Roxanne would deter him. Unfortunately, the faucet was still dripping, but that was because he had determined a part needed to be ordered before he could make any repairs. He deemed it safe to use in the meantime.
She caught the end of a report about Megamind on the ten o'clock news.
"The criminal mastermind has been oddly quiet over the past month, leaving the citizens of Metro City baffled." The camera panned over the city from a helicopter. Damage from the previous fight was close to being completed by construction crews. She saw film of herself strapped to the front of Megamind's giant horse machine he'd so appropriately dubbed "The One Horseman of the Apocalypse." That had been really bad for her back. "Megamind's absence is troubling and leaves this reporter wondering just what he may have in store for us all… Perhaps KMCP's own Roxanne Ritchi will be able to shed light on the situation once she returns from her vacation tomorrow."
"How should I know where he is? Just because I'm his favorite person to kidnap doesn't mean we're picking out curtains!" she yelled at Brad's face on the screen.
"This is Brad Simmons, reporting live for KMCP-8…News."
Roxanne rolled her eyes at Brad's report. He always paused for at least three seconds before saying "news" because he was after a Pulitzer. His flair for the dramatic was legend at the station and the center for daily ridicule. He was just too stupid to notice.
Work, Day 1
Roxanne's eyes popped open, senses on alert. She wasn't the only one in her apartment. A draft was blowing under the door to her bedroom, which meant that the balcony doors she'd both shut and locked were open. That could only mean one thing…
Megamind.
Here it was, almost dawn on Tuesday morning, the officially designated kidnapping day, which was also the day of her big interview with the mayor. True to form, the self-named criminal mastermind was picking up where he left off and Megamind was about to throw a big, spiky wrench into her plans.
Again.
"Not this time," she muttered. "He made me wait for two weeks. It's only fair I extend him the same courtesy."
She threw back the covers, pulled out the baseball bat from under the bed and crept to the door. Holding the bat in one hand, she clasped the knob with the other and threw open the door to find Minion on the other side, eyes and mouth agape in surprise. He held some rope and the reeking shroud in one of his large metal hands. The other held the knock-out spray.
"Um…good evening, Ms. Ritchi!" he said cheerfully. "Or good night rather. I'm so sorry about waking you, but you know how midnight kidnappings always get his creative juices flowing."
"No," she said firmly.
"No, you don't know? Or—"
"No as in, there will not be a kidnapping tonight," she interrupted. "I have a very big interview with the mayor tomorrow and I will not miss it to satiate his continued and unrealistic desire of destroying Metro Man!"
"But—"
"If he absolutely must kidnap me this week, tell him he can stop by Wednesday morning. I don't have any interviews that day."
"So—"
"Furthermore, if he tries to kidnap me before or during the interview, I will shove one of his spikes up his nose and strangle him with his own cape." She pressed a finger to Minion's fish bowl right where his nose would be. "And don't think I wouldn't do it."
His eyes crossed as they gazed upon her finger fearfully. "Um, y-yes, ma'am. I-I'll…tell him."
Roxanne felt a stab of pity at the retreating figure of the fish in an ape suit. His hairy metal shoulders drooped too much for her conscious.
"Hey, Minion?"
He turned, face dejected. "Yes, Ms. Ritchi?"
"As always, it was very nice seeing you. I much prefer your kidnappings to…his. You have both perfected and transformed it into an art."
Minion blushed and rubbed the back of his bowl bashfully. "Shucks, Ms. Ritchi. Thank you."
"You're welcome," she said with genuine warmth for the fish.
He turned to leave, shoulders no longer drooping, but stopped just outside of her balcony doors. "I have a new muffin recipe I've just been dying for you to try and they'll be piping hot from the oven Wednesday morning."
"Really? What kind?" she asked, interest piqued. Minion was a fabulous chef!
"Cranberry and chai," he answered enthusiastically. "I saw it in a magazine."
"Ooooh, that's sounds delicious!"
"And I'm adding mini chocolate chips even though the recipe doesn't actually call for them, but I love to experiment."
"I can't wait. See you Wednesday, Minion."
"You too, Ms. Ritchie! Good night!"
Work, Day 3
Roxanne sat there calmly despite being tied up and blinded by a tarp that smelled like rotting meat. Seriously, what had Megamind kept in the bag to create such a stench? She held her breath for as long as she could, but something new penetrated the stinky tarp covering her face.
Minion's muffins. Her stomach growled as the delicious scent wafted through the bag, eradicating the terrible reek. She'd been kidnapped before breakfast. The tarp was lifted from her head and there stood Minion, waving the plate right in front of her nose with a large toothy grin on his little face.
"Minion, they smell soooo good!" she exclaimed, eying the steaming plate of muffins.
"Don't they?" He agreed as he unfolded a TV tray with one hand and set the plate on top. After he untied her hands, she reached for the piping hot muffin and "mmmed" in ecstasy as she took a bite.
"Oh my God! Minion, you're a genius," she said with a full mouth.
"I haven't tried one yet. Does the chocolate help or hinder?" he asked, face screwed up in nervous expectancy.
"Definitely helps. These are incredible! Although, with or without the chocolate, they'd still be delicious." She picked one up and extended it to the fish. "Try it! You really must share this recipe, but I'm not much of a cook or a baker. I'd hire you in a second and I'd certainly pay you a lot better than some people."
He took the muffin and was about to drop it into the bowl when a gasp followed by a disgusted snort froze Minion's arm just above the bowl.
"What are you doing, Minion?" Megamind stalked up to his fishy sidekick. "Feeding the hostage? How many times have I told you that the hostage is not to be fed anything except moldy cheese? We're the bad guys for Pete's sake! We must mistreat the hostage, maintain an image of aloof intimidation and under no circumstances ever feed said hostage so our reputation for nastiness isn't tarnished!"
Roxanne laughed. "Oh yeah, you pull that one off really well."
Megamind gave her a condescending look and approached in what he probably believed was the image of aloof intimidation. He swung his arms in a way that made his cape flutter and the light caught the spikes on his shoulders. With his hands behind his back, he straightened to his full height and looked all the way down his skinny nose at her, eyes narrowed to green slits.
Roxanne bit back the urge to laugh again because she didn't want to spit muffin all over her dress.
"Oh, contraire, Ms. Ritchi. You shall be intimidated when you see what's in store for you today," he said mysteriously, arching a black eyebrow for villainous effect.
"Uh huh," she said without the slightest bit of concern for her wellbeing. "Are you ever going to wash the bag?"
"Are you ever going to realize that e-vil doesn't care about your offended olfactory senses?"
"Well one of these days your hostage may keel over from the stench before you even kickoff the evil plan…just letting you know."
"There are millions of potential damsels in this city to replace you…others who would behave like a proper hostage and cower for mercy, while screaming of course."
"Yeah right," she scoffed. "I don't think anyone else would put up with your schemes."
His eye twitched slightly. "Consider yourself lucky I just so happened to need an extra day to refine my plan. I was going to postpone Tuesday's kidnapping to today anyway—"
"Sure you were," she interrupted.
"—and…" he sneered at having been interrupted during his monologue, "Since you rudely made me wait for three weeks while you were off traipsing across the country with Metro-mahn, and then had the audacity to delay my perfectly perfect e-vil plan by yet another day, thereby shows your complete disrespect for the kidnapping schedule, which we established a long time ago, and—"
Roxanne interrupted again, making a grating noise with her teeth. "I…made you wait? Excuse me, Megamind, but I was on assignment for my job, thank you very much, and I've been back for two whole weeks, waiting around for your kidnapping pleasure, which you chose to ignore. The interview I had with the Mayor of Metro City yesterday was very important and I wasn't about to let you interrupt it. Making you wait an extra day didn't kill you, did it? No, so can we please get on with the routine?"
She held out her hands, wrists together, indicating that she was ready to be tied up again. Minion picked up the rope from the TV tray, but Megamind stayed his hand with a wave of his gloved fingers. He took the rope from Minion and did the deed himself, taking her by surprise. Megamind never tied her up. Minion always did it and he was always gentle, assuring that the ropes weren't too tight or chafing her skin. The blue alien's touch was just as gentle, if not more so, and she watched his slender fingers nimbly tie a perfect knot. His hands lingered for a moment over hers, testing the knot's strength and Roxanne forced back a shiver. Where had that come from?
"Minion, go check on the Sharktopus and make sure that it's past the warm up stage this time," he ordered.
Minion glancing curiously between them and went to do his master's bidding, leaving Roxanne and Megamind alone. She watched him roll his high-backed leather chair across the floor and sit down across from her. He crossed his legs and folded his arms across his thin chest, smirking like he knew something she didn't, but he never said anything.
"What's that smirk for?" she asked, unable to stand it any longer.
"Was I smirking? I wasn't aware," he said, expression smug. He studied her silently a while longer before finally saying, "You know, your green dress is a most unflattering color for you."
"Gee, thanks."
"You're welcome. You try should wearing blue…it's rich, powerful…the color of e-vil."
"Bet you'd love that wouldn't you, Mr. Egotistical?"
"Indeed, then you'd match your overlord, the way a queen should."
"Your queen? You really think I'd agree to be your queen?" she cried, aghast.
He leaned forward into her personal space and whispered, "One day you'll come around and see the rewards my e-vil can lavish you with."
"Have you been inhaling your knock-out spray for kicks?"
Megamind's smug face increased her desire to punch it. He scooted forward to the edge of his chair, invading more of her personal space. Roxanne held her ground, refusing to move away as their heads came very close to touching.
"You're already half-way there, Ms. Ritchi," he said in a low voice, eyes roving over face.
"What are you talking about?"
"You just confessed that you've been anxiously waiting to be kidnapped for the last two weeks."
"You've got to be kidding me!" she said, rolling her eyes. "I never used the word anxiously. I just wanted you to hurry up and get it over with so you wouldn't interrupt my interview with the Mayor."
He chuckled softly. "Keep telling yourself that, Ms. Ritchi. You missed the kidnappings, which means you missed…me."
"Pffft! Keep telling yourself that, Megamind," she laughed at the ridiculousness of the comment.
"Oh, don't worry, I will." He wiggled his black eyebrows. "Why do you fight it, Ms. Ritchi?"
"Fight what? Oh right, my growing nausea."
"Your growing attraction. It's only a matter of time until you acknowledge it," he said, scooting back into his chair, steepling his fingers.
Roxanne's lips trembled with the makings of a grin, but she stoutly refused to let him see that. "Are you going to waste my time talking all day? I have too many important things to take care of today, which includes but is not limited to, setting up more interviews and fixing a leaky faucet. Can we please get on with it?"
Just then, Minion emerged from the depths of the lair. "The Sharktopus is ship shape, Sir!"
"Excellent, Minion! Take my future queen and introduce her to the awaiting tentacular doom," he said, erupting into his usual "evil" cackle.
As usual, Metro Man showed up, rescued her, carried Megamind off to prison in what was a typical end to the kidnapping. Megamind's stint in prison turned out to be his shortest yet, as he promptly escaped two days later. Though all of his plans backfired, he always expertly escaped his prison walls. It was a shame he let all of that genius go to waste on so many failed schemes.
Roxanne's first week back at work wasn't too bad, despite the minor kidnapping roadblock. She was used to those by now anyway. Friday evening was quiet and spent in the presence of her own company. She relaxed on the couch with her dinner and scrolled through the full DVR. The buzzer on her stove went off and she jumped up to take the muffins out. They weren't bad, but Minion's were still better. He was just too good. Hiring the fish didn't seem like such a crazy idea after all.
It wasn't until later that she noticed just how quiet it was in her apartment. She'd fallen asleep on the couch, finger on the mute button of her remote. The hour wasn't very late, but…something had roused her from sleep. A quick glance around the living room didn't reveal anything out of the ordinary. Nothing had fallen over. Minion wasn't waiting on the balcony to kidnap her. So what was it?
That's when it hit her.
She slowly approached her kitchen sink. The faucet wasn't dripping anymore. The part the plumber had ordered was out of stock and he'd been trying to find another supplier for it without success so no one else knew that she had a leaky faucet except for the one person she'd mentioned it to in passing.
Megamind. When had he…?
"Huh," she said, staring at the faucet in surprise.
Flashback, 2 weeks ago
Megamind crept onto Roxanne's balcony with the grace of a jungle cat. After nearly a month of no kidnappings, he was very irked. That woman had absolutely no respect for him. How dared she follow her boyfriend in tights all over the country when he had an e-vil schedule to keep? Oh, her mockery was going to get her into trouble someday! He was going to throw her for a loop. Today, Minion was waiting back at the lair while he, Megamind the handsome criminal, did the kidnapping himself.
Minion was entirely too easy on the reporter. Megamind wasn't about to show mercy. He was the kidnapper. She was the hostage. For once, he'd make her show some respect. Roxanne was back from her farce of a trip with Metro-Mahn and he knew the moment to abduct her was perfect. She'd never expect to be kidnapped on a non-Tuesday, much less right after her trip.
Yes, it was perfect. Perhaps she'd even scream for once when his towering blue form stood over her with nothing but e-vil intentions. But as soon as he set foot in her apartment, his jaw dropped. The knockout spray was useless to him because she was already asleep on her couch.
He approached cautiously, wincing when his baby seal leather boots creaked with each step. But Roxanne never moved. The closer he came, the clearer he could see just how deeply asleep she was. Her chest rose and fell so gently, he could barely tell she was moving. Megamind crept closer to assure himself that she still breathed. She'd dumped all of her suitcases randomly around her living room and looked to have collapsed on the couch the minute she got home. She hadn't even taken the time to remove her coat. A blanket lay in a fluffy puddle at her feet.
"Must have slipped off," he muttered.
The future overlord was really annoyed. Just what was he supposed to do now? Here was his hostage, prime for the kidnapping, and she had the gall to be too exhausted to move! This was entirely inappropriate hostage behavior! Didn't she realize there was a schedule to keep! He couldn't kidnap her while she was splayed across her couch, looking half-dead. It just wouldn't be right. Way to throw a wrench into his finely crafted plan! And to top it off, the kitchen sink was dripping incessantly, echoing all around his blue head as though mocking his villainy. The persistent drip…drip…drip made it difficult to concentrate on his next move.
He didn't have any tools with him of course; otherwise, he'd have shown the faucet who was boss. Well, if that's how Ms. Ritchi wanted to play this game, then so be it. He'd come prepared the next time her kidnapping came around and with tools to fix that abomination of a sink too. If she was asleep again, he'd wake her up just to annoy her and see how she liked it when her plans were interrupted.
Megamind was about to leave, when he glanced at the blanket again. Disgusting his e-vil nature, he picked it up and draped it over Roxanne's still form, tucking it up under her chin. As he leaned over her, he noticed the dark circles marring her eyes, visible under the fan of dark lashes. She really did look exhausted. Perhaps giving her some time off would be beneficial to his plan. After all, the next genius idea he had in mind was BIG and he needed all the time he could get to perfect it, which required his hostage to be in excellent health.
There was no mercy in it. He wasn't going soft. He was just playing it smart.
He quietly made his way back to the balcony and glanced over his shoulder. She looked so vulnerable, unaware that she was being watched. He could do whatever he wanted with such beautiful vulnerability, but he didn't and never would. The blackness of his heart was disgusted by this show of kindness. One of these days everything would be different, but until then…
"Good night, Roxanne," he whispered, shutting the doors. With that, he returned to the e-vil lair to begin construction of…the Death Ray.
A/N: I confess that I haven't been working on the next chapter for The Science Is Not Impossible. This plot bunny wouldn't leave me alone and I've been thinking about it for a while now so I had to get it on paper. Megamind never called Roxanne "Roxie" and for some reason, I really hate that nickname for her so that's why it bugs Roxanne when Metro Man calls her that.
It's a long one-shot, but it is still a one-shot nevertheless. You know me, I keep adding stuff until it's at least 15 pages long. Sheesh! My wrists are a glutton for punishment. OH, and that part in there about the reporter pausing before he says "news" is actually true. There's a reporter in my local area who always pauses just like that. The first time he paused was sooooo awkward because he waited at least 5 seconds before saying "news". I was actually embarrassed for the dude.
Anyway, please review and let me know what you think!
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