DADT- a Kate/Abby crackfic
"Kate, remember how I told you when I hired you that if you dated a coworker at NCIS, I'd fire you?" Gibbs was fairly certain that she had broken this rule, although he had no idea who she was dating.
"I do."
"Did you follow this rule?"
"For the first three weeks," Kate admitted guiltily. "After that, it kinda fell apart."
Gibbs stared at her stonily. "Who are you dating?"
Kate frowned. "I can't tell you that."
"Why not?"
"As it happens, I can't tell you that either. Tony, help me out."
Tony looked up from the game of tetris he was playing on his phone. "Technically, Boss, you're not even supposed to ask."
Gibbs, increasingly confused, turned to his senior field agent. "Yeah? Why's that?"
"Because asking is… asking." Tony said, emphasizing the last word. When no comprehension dawned on his boss' face, he added, "And you're not allowed to ask any more than she's allowed to tell."
Gibbs finally got it. "You're dating a woman?" This surprised him, as Kate had always seemed like a straight-laced Catholic girl.
"Are you asking?" Kate said, frowning. "Because you're still not supposed to do that."
Gibbs rolled his eyes. "DiNozzo!"
"Yes boss?"
"Is Kate dating a woman?"
"It's pretty damn hot, boss."
"DiNozzo, I swear-"
"Kate is dating a woman, boss!"
Just then, McGee strolled into the bullpen carrying a cup of frothy latte. "What are we discussing?"
"Kate's lesbianism," Tony supplied.
McGee frowned. "Oh. I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that."
"Kate's not supposed to talk about that. We're fine," Tony said. "We're just not allowed to ask for a confirmation, but those pictures are confirmation enough for me."
"Oh, god, the pictures," McGee said, suddenly looking a bit distracted.
"YOU SAW THE PICTURES?!" Kate roared.
Gibbs had once again completely lost control of this discussion. It was difficult to dominate a conversation while only saying sentence fragments at a time.
"Did everyone know about this but me?" Gibbs asked.
Tony went back to playing tetris.
"I don't think Ducky knows," Kate said.
"Ducky knows," said Ducky, who was strolling through the bullpen on his way to the director's office.
"How'd you find out?" McGee asked, although his face showed that he was still reminiscing over the pictures.
"I did Kate's physical last summer, my dear Timothy. I saw the tattoo."
Tony dropped his phone. "You know what Kate's mystery tattoo is?"
Ducky winked. "Off to see the director."
"Kaaaate, what's your tattoo?"
"Actually, as it happens, I can't tell you," Kate said, shrugging.
Tony gasped. "Is it dirty? Oh, dear god, tell me it's dirty!"
Gibbs made one more attempt to regain control of the conversation. "Kate, who are you dating?"
"Well, I can't tell you that, as it would be admitting to dating a woman, which would be telling… But on a note that may or may not be related, Abby is bisexual," Kate said nonchalantly.
"You're dating Abby?" Gibbs asked, startled.
Kate rolled her eyes and gestured at Tony.
"Tony, Kate's dating Abby?" Gibbs redirected the question.
"That she is, boss. Kaaaate, can I see the tattoo? It wasn't visible in the pictures!"
This clearly made whatever was going on in McGee's head more intense as he muttered, "Going to the bathroom. Might take a while," and slunk off.
"Dammit, who gave McGee the pictures?" Kate muttered.
"Palmer, I think," Tony said.
Kate frowned. "Who gave Palmer the pictures?"
Tony grinned guiltily. "He offered to loan me his copy of Talladega Nights."
"I never should have let you blackmail me into giving you those in the first place," Kate grumbled.
"Hey boss, want to see the pictures?" Tony offered. "You seem a little left out."
Although Gibbs did, indeed, feel left out, it wouldn't be professional to accept, and also Kate might shoot him. "No, DiNozzo."
The elevator doors opened and Abby emerged. "Hey guys, do you know why McGee just sent me a really bizarre text?"
"Apparently he saw the pictures," Kate said.
"What pictures?"
Tony jumped in. "The ones with your face all up in Kate's-"
"DiNozzo," Gibbs growled.
"Tony's seen the pictures too?"
"At this point, I think the entire agency's seen them. Except, apparently, Gibbs," Kate said. "By the way, I outed you."
Abby stood up straight and put a hand on her heart. "I can neither confirm nor deny that I am bisexual."
"Actually, technically I think you can deny it," Tony said, frowning thoughtfully.
"Yeah, but my parents taught me not to lie… Wait a second, did I just tell? I'm not sure. Goddammit, I hate this rule!" Abby said, stomping a foot petulantly. "Oh well. Gibbs loves me too much to fire me because I may or may not like ladies, right Gibbs?"
"Right," Gibbs said, dazed. This was not how he had expected this conversation to go.
Kate raised a hand. "Since I technically don't admit to dating a coworker, does that mean I'm not fired?"
Gibbs did not study Navy rules nearly enough to know if he was actually allowed to fire Kate at this point without having his cheap Sears pants sued off. Due to his general distaste for lawyers, he decided to take the safe route.
"No one's fired," Gibbs said. "But you will be if I find out any of you got busy on NCIS property."
Tony looked up. "Two questions. One, is McGee breaking that rule in the bathroom right now?"
Abby, who had not been there for that section of the conversation, looked startled.
Kate just looked grossed out.
"I do not want to think about that long enough to answer the question," Gibbs informed them.
"Okay. Two, uhh, if certain indiscretions were committed before the creation of that rule…?"
"Where?"
"Elevator," Tony admitted.
"THAT IS MY ELEVATOR!" Gibbs roared, causing everyone in hearing range to jump, and a couple of probies to dive under their desks.
Tony grimaced. "I'll scrub it down if you-"
"DO NOT FUCK IN MY ELEVATOR, DiNOZZO!"
"Kinda late for that one, Boss-"
Abby leaned over to Kate. "Wanna go drive my hearse juuuust outside of NCIS property?"
"It's a very roomy vehicle," Kate said, smiling. "Let's go, before McGee gets out of the bathroom and asks for more pictures."
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell is such a stupid policy."
"Agreed."
Fin.
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