LEAST COMPLICATED
This follows immediately after Mending, which is a follow-up to the Big Finish audio drama Broken. It can be read without Mending, but both will make a lot more sense if you've listened to the audio. Also, it contains spoilers. I've posted it separately as its tone is very different.
Ianto has no idea what to expect, but that's nothing new, really. This afternoon, shortly after lunch, Jack swooshed out, announcing that he was off to question a witness. Strange enough for Jack to go out alone like that, but they haven't had a proper case all week, so whom could he possibly be speaking to? And now he's on his way back and radioed in to ask Ianto out to dinner. Rather, in true Jack Harness fashion, to inform Ianto that they would be dining together at the new tapas place next to the Costa.
It's distinctly odd. Yes, Jack sometimes takes the team out to dinner when things are quiet. Yes, they spend time talking after work. And yes, Jack and Ianto occasionally grab a bite after they've been on a call-out, but this is more like the dinners Jack sometimes has with Gwen. Almost like a date. Ianto thought he'd made it quite clear that there would be no dates.
There can't be. Ianto doesn't want Jack that way. He doesn't. The sex, yes, he wants that. Very much. The sex is enthusiastic and inventive. Jack is experienced, yet patient enough that Ianto doesn't feel overwhelmed. The things they do- he'd never dreamed of most of them, never thought about sex with a man one way or the other, but when Jack kissed him after the mess with Mandy and the slavers , it didn't feel wrong, or even strange. It felt like comfort, like understanding. Every time they come together, it feels like forgiveness. But sometimes Jack's hand lingers a too long after, almost like a caress. And Ianto leaves because he doesn't want that. Doesn't want affection, not with Jack. As much as he admires and respects the man, as much as he likes him, there's too much they've both done for Ianto to feel comfortable getting romantically involved with Jack Harkness.
It's complicated.
And… it's tapas, apparently. The one type of food practically designed to encourage conversation and intimacy. It's easy to talk about work as Ianto settles Jack's coat over his shoulders. It's no challenge at all to natter about teammates as they cross the Plass, but once they're seated with menus, Ianto knows there's no way to avoid what is sure to be a very awkward evening.
Ianto uses the menu to delay the inevitable as long as he can, first holding it up as a wall between them, then asking Jack to describe each item despite knowing every single one. Lisa had loved tapas. From the savory Albóndigas to the spicy Zamburiñas, they'd tried every option, giggling and licking each others' fingers. Sharing such a thing with Jack- Ianto doesn't know how he feels about that. Yes, he enjoys spending time with Jack; they've become friends as well as lovers, but beyond that? Anything beyond that still feels like a betrayal.
Lisa. There are moments with Jack when Ianto almost forgets about Lisa, and that's the worst betrayal of all. Lisa. Screams. Annie. Blood. Jack. Ianto is distracted enough by his memories that when the waiter offers wine, Ianto confidently orders a Malbec from Argentina.
Jack narrows his eyes. "You're avoiding talking to me, aren't you?"
Ianto tries his best to look innocent. "We've been talking for twenty minutes," he points out.
"Yes, about food, which you clearly know well enough to order wine by name without looking at the menu."
Caught out, Ianto admits it. "I suppose I am. I don't understand what we're doing here."
"We're having tapas," Jack says, as if it's obvious, as if that's all it is.
"Yes, but are we having tapas or are we having tapas? Tapas is a date food. We aren't dating. We don't date. We agreed."
"Technically, you dictated and I didn't argue."
"Technically, you killed my girlfriend and we shouldn't be doing anything at all." It's possibly not the worst thing he could say, but it's in the top five. This conversation is officially going nowhere good.
"Technically, you started it when you asked me to kiss you. Also, your girlfriend died before you ever came to Cardiff. What I killed was a cyber-brain in a pizza girl's body."
"Technically… it's complicated," Ianto trails off quietly. On some level he knows that what Jack is saying is true. If it weren't, he'd not have held a gun on Annie, and it would have been her body, not Lisa's, he held after.
"It doesn't have to be," Jack says gently.
"How, Jack? How can it be anything other than complicated? Even if it wasn't Lisa down there, you threatened to execute me."
"And you threatened to watch me die. Which you eventually did, I remind you. I was sort of hoping you'd got it out of your system."
They both go instantly silent as the waiter approaches to deliver the wine and take their order. Ianto orders a few of his favourites, intending to watch what's going around before ordering a second round. Jack waves off his turn, and the waiter, as if sensing the tension, retreats.
"That's hardly the basis for a relationship," Ianto says as if there had been no interruption. As soon as he says it, he sees his mistake. He used the word 'relationship', and Jack pounces on it.
"It could be. We've seen each other at our worst."
Ianto doesn't know, and he says so. "The thing is," he explains, "what I know in my head and what I feel in my gut are different. My head knows Lisa was already gone, but my gut saw you all murder her. And my gut says I can trust you, but my head reminds me that you've got a back-catalogue longer than Yvonne Hartman's shit list. So whichever one I listen to, we're jolly well fucked, aren't we?"
"Yvonne's dead," Jack says unnecessarily.
"Yes, I was there for that part," Ianto reminds him.
Dead end. Again. They sip wine and pretend by mutual silent agreement that the conversation hasn't come to a grinding halt.
The first round of tapas arrives, giving them something to do as well as a safe topic of conversation. They latch on to it desperately. The problem, as far as Ianto is concerned, is that once they stop talking about why things are awkward between them, they aren't anymore. It's too easy to slip into comfortable flirtation. The problem, Ianto reflects, is that Jack is very different in this setting.
It was Captain Jack Harkness who had ordered Lisa's death, and whom Ianto had consigned to the slavers. He's not having dinner with that man; he's having dinner with Jack. Just Jack, and it's entirely different from anything they've done before. Where the Captain is brash and confident, Jack is sometimes quiet, almost shy. When their fingers bump reaching for the same prawn crostini, Ianto blushes and looks away. It's too intimate, this Jack.
Just as he's thinking that this has become far too date-lake for his comfort, Jack reaches across the table to wipe a smudge of sauce from Ianto's lip.
No. Absolutely not. This is so far beyond their work boundaries that Ianto can't pretend that this is anything other than a date, and he can't date Jack Harness. He mustn't. Ianto catches Jack's wrist before he makes contact and pushes himself away from the table.
"I can't do this."
"But we are. We have been, without ever talking about it."
"No," Ianto says. "This isn't what we are. This isn't who we are to each other, and I won't be drawn in by your charming wit and blinding smile and…" He trails off when he sees the grin on Jack's face.
"You think I'm charming?"
"You're infuriating! I can't-" Ianto stands, throws his napkin on the table, and leaves the restaurant as quickly as he can without causing a scene, leaving Jack to handle whatever awkwardness there is with the waiter.
Out of habit, Ianto retreats across the Plass toward the Visitor Center. He's right outside the door when Jack catches up to him.
"Ianto, please," Jack says as he reaches for Ianto's arm to stop him. Ianto shrugs him off and keeps walking.
"Please," he repeats, "I only want-"
Ianto stops and whips around. "You want what? Some farce of a normal life? A white fence, two point five kids, and a dog? To pretend my chances of living until my next birthday are better than the forty-eight percent I've calculated based on the Torchwood actuarial? What? What do you want, and what makes you think I can give it to you?"
"I want to know what's possible,' Jack says quietly.
"Why?"
"Because I don't think I can continue with casual sex if that's all it will ever be."
"I meant, 'why would you want that with me?' I betrayed you. I betrayed you twice, what makes you think I won't do it again? How can you trust me? How can I trust you after what we've both done?" Ianto turns away again and starts walking.
Jack follows. "Because you were willing to burn down the world for love."
"That's hardly a sign of my character."
"It is to me. Every day I have to choose the world over the individual. You see it and you understand, but when faced with the choice, you chose love."
"You want me to love you?" Ianto says, confused.
"I don't know what I want. It's been a long time since I had that with anyone. Maybe…"
Ianto stops. Stops dead right there on the quay. He doesn't look at Jack, doesn't even turn, simply stops. "You can't be serious," he says flatly. Love. With Jack, or Captain Harkness, or whoever he's being at any moment. There are so many reasons why Ianto can't. Ever.
"Why not?"
"Because we're not like that!" Ianto shouts, whirling to face Jack, "You're my boss, and you killed my girlfriend, and fine, we fuck sometimes," -now people are staring- "and you lust after Gwen while she's off with Owen behind Rhys' back. How can there be anything more? It's-"
"Don't say 'complicated'."
"-problematic," he finishes. The problem is that he's let it become too much. He's slipped into acting like they're together, and Jack has gotten the wrong idea. Hell, Ianto's been getting the wrong idea, pretending that there's a future, not only for them, but for him.
They glare at each other, so close Ianto can feel Jack's breath across his cheek, can see Jack's pulse throbbing below his jawline, where the flick of a tongue can make him shudder. It's everything Ianto can manage not to give in, to push Jack up against the wall and kiss him until they both forget everything that's gone before. That's the real danger Jack poses: loss of control, of self. It's more seductive even than the man himself, which, Ianto admits, is really saying something. He's not going to let that happen.
"No," Ianto whispers. "No, that's not what I want. Not with you."
It's only partly true, but Ianto has to protect himself. Jack looks gutted. Ianto feels a twinge of guilt, but represses it savagely.
"Then what do you want?"
That's the big question, and Ianto has literally no idea. Jack said he wanted to know what's possible. So… what? Ianto already pointed out that the fence/kids/dog thing is off the table, but there's a huge nebulous chasm of options between that and the sort of casual shagging they've been doing. It's complicated.
That's the word that keeps coming up. Complicated. It wasn't, with Lisa. With Lisa, everything was as effortless and inevitable as gravity. It was easy to love her, to make plans for the future. Back at Torchwood One, and working a supposedly safe desk job, the odds favored living until they saved enough to buy the house, adopt the dog, and have the kids. Which, Ianto supposes, shows how misleading statistics can be.
"I don't fucking know!" he shouts. "This was supposed to be simple. Easy. It wasn't supposed to turn into- " He gestures wildly, expansively, looking for a word to encompass everything he and Jack should never be. "Into tapas!"
"It's already tapas, whatever that means. It's already something."
He's right. As much as Ianto knows he shouldn't, as much as he tells himself he can never fall for Jack, he's right. And it has to stop now, or Ianto won't be able to stop, ever. "No, Jack. No more."
Jack looks stricken. "What are you saying?"
"A clean break. No more shagging, no more dinners after a call-out, no more heartfelt talks. We go back to working together, nothing more."
"And if I can't accept that?"
"Then I'll quit."
"You wouldn't!"
Jack thinks he's bluffing, but he isn't. Ianto knows what his skills and knowledge are worth to the right people. Archie at Torchwood Two would take him in, UNIT would love to have someone who knows the inner workings of Torchwood- not that Ianto would ever compromise security like that,- and the Future Options Committee has already contacted him. Ianto isn't facing Retcon if he leaves. He wonders if Jack knows that, or if he thinks he still has something he can hold over Ianto.
"I will," Ianto says with quiet certainly. He can see the change when Jack believes him; he closes his eyes and clenches his fists at his side as if physically changing gears from trying to romance Ianto to trying not to lose him entirely.
"Stay."
"You'll respect my wishes?"
Jack nods.
"I'll see you tomorrow morning, then," Ianto says, turning away with finality. He hears Jack say something as he walks away, but it's lost on the wind.
OK, folks, here's another one you'll hate. Problem is, Ianto and Jack barely interact in Out of Time, and it's purely business; Jack is focusing his attention on John Ellis. In Combat there's a little awkwardness when talking about the weevils, and they're working together in a totally professional manner in the hospital as if they're finding their footing. Then there's CJH and the 'there's no one' comment; meanwhile Ianto, loyal to Jack, is shooting Owen. Jack is snippy with Ianto in EoD, Ianto goes along with the mutiny, then gets all melancholy with Jack's coat after he dies, but is not the one holding vigil. Then the clumsy and hesitant handshake that Jack turns into a kiss. So… how to make that all work? This is my solution. Will I show the next part? No guarantees.
The title is from the Indigo Girls song of the same name. "What makes me think I can start clean-slated? The hardest to learn was the least complicated."