First Regard
Fandom: Maria-sama ga Miteru
Pairing: Touko/Yumi
Rating: PG13 for some sexual situations
Warnings: Lesbians and just of-age (in Japan) girls in vaguely sexual situations. If these offend, please click the blue arrow.
Length: ~3500 words
Summary: Touko fears her Onee-sama's graduation for an entirely different reason than her peers.
Graduation was always a time of fretting and distraction (and utter despondency) at Lillian, though Touko noted with some irony that the perverse feelings lingered in the 2nd year classrooms, not among the graduating classes. It was disgusting how the girls would sigh and mope through the day, only putting on smiles for their Onee-samas. Every one of the second years should have joined the drama club; they could have put on a lovely noir in the very least. Even level-headed, unromantic Noriko was hopelessly forlorn, which meant Touko couldn't get away from it for one minute, and that really irritated her. Maybe she should have sought out her petite soeur for lunch.
"I don't know why you're unhappy, Touko," Noriko muttered to her. Her shoulders were rounded down, and she looked more like a Noh mask of grief than a girl's doll. Especially with her eyes downcast, staring at her utensils picking at her bento. Touko was stuck between thinking she was really cute and wanting to strangle her.
"I'm not unhappy," Touko defended. She turned her nose up at Noriko, who puffed out her cheeks in answering annoyance.
"You've been moping for weeks, and it's not like Yumi-san will be anywhere but Lillian next year. Plus, you've finally found a soeur, which means you're also getting some extra love and attention from both Yumi-san and A-chan."
Touko sent her a glare at the disrespectful 'Yumi-san' that Noriko used. "I know she's going to Lillian. I'm not moping, nor have I ever moped. And I'm certainly not getting extra 'love and attention' from Onee-sama."
"Pfft," Noriko countered. "Maybe not extra, but Yumi-san really dotes on you; you can't deny that."
"You say that like you're in a different situation," Touko pointed out.
With the reminder of her own Onee-sama, Noriko let the argument drop in favor of drooping in resumed depression. Kanako, who joined them, didn't let it drop. She said, "You have been moping." Then she brought up another topic of conversation.
Several hours later, Touko found herself moping through her Saturday evening. She had no patience for her parents, nor for Sachiko-onee-sama, who had come for a visit. She was especially rankled when Sachiko asked her, "Has Yumi spoken to you about what university she'll be attending?" As if, for one second, Yumi weren't set on Lillian to be with Sachiko, and as if she hadn't already spoken to Sachiko herself about it.
Touko turned her nose up and said, "No, we haven't talked about it. Lillian seems the obvious choice."
To Touko's surprise, Sachiko looked perplexed and annoyed. "I wish I knew. She seems to be cleverly avoiding the topic in conversation."
"She hasn't told you?" Touko asked, shocked.
Something in Sachiko's expression shifted. Touko found herself at the receiving end of an admittedly gentle—at least, coming from Sachiko—glare. "Yumi is very busy, of course. We've only spoken over the telephone recently."
And then, as an unspoken agreement, they stopped talking about Yumi until Sachiko excused herself to return home. It had been getting like that a lot lately: they could talk about anything but Yumi. Touko got the impression that she was to blame for the unconscious contention between them.
Touko moped her way past her parents and upstairs to her room. Yumi hadn't spoken at all about her plans after high school; Touko hadn't asked because she didn't want it confirmed. She knew though: Yumi would go to Lillian U to be with Sachiko.
'So that's it,' she thought, burrowing into her covers. She eventually slept and dreamt morose depressing dreams of Yumi and Sachiko, the former of whom didn't realize she was there and the latter of whom ignored her. Their happiness with each other mirrored Touko's misery at them being together.
She awoke with tears on her pillow.
'I should be happy for her,' she thought, but when Yumi called a few hours later and invited her to spend the day with her, Touko couldn't quite conjure it up.
Instead of tossing pillows on the floor, Yumi sat down cross-legged on her bed. Touko hesitated before sitting down with her, mirroring her stance. She was glad to was wearing jeans—'cute,' Yumi had called them and now she wore them a lot—and she tried not to notice that Yumi was in a skirt, however modest. Thank god it wasn't one of her really short skirts—of which the supply seemed to be growing. They were terribly distracting.
"So, Touko-chan, what's wrong?"
She had to duck away from the ever present affectionate smile on Yumi's face. Of course Yumi knew something was off, and of course Yumi was going gently (in private) to confront her about it. It was the usual pattern, but Touko somehow was always thrown off-guard when Yumi did. Was there any point in lying? Yumi had gotten good at guessing her lies from her truths. She still hadn't quite got the hang of Touko's half-truths. "Next year..." Touko trailed off.
Yumi's eyes widened. "Is this about me going to B University next year? I'll still be in Tokyo."
Her own face must have shown shock; she couldn't hide it. "I thought you were going to Lillian!" Touko blurted.
"What?" Yumi frowned; she put her finger to her chin and cocked her head in a way that made Touko blush. Yumi was too cute for her own good. "Are you worried about something else, then, or are you upset because you thought I was going to Lillian?"
"N-no," Touko denied, blushing. Her tone dropped, sulky despite the flush of relief she felt. "Why are you going there?"
"My father owns an architecture company, so Yuuki and I decided we'd like to take over and keep it in the family. We thought we'd try studying at a university that offers architecture, in case. And my father's part of the faculty," Yumi added unabashedly. She smiled at Touko knowingly. "Don't lie, Touko-chan. Why were you so upset?"
"I don't want to talk about it." Like that would work.
"Does it have something to do with Sachiko-san?" Weird, Touko thought at the sound of that '-san'.
"I don't want to talk about it," she repeated unhappily.
Yumi heaved a good-natured sigh and shrugged. "Do you want to go out for lunch? There's a cute cafe in—"
"It's just..." What am I doing? "Just that you would be at Lillian with Sachiko-onee-sama, and I'd still be in high school. It's stupid; I'm stupid. I can't believe I just told you that."
The comprehension in Yumi's expression came gently. Touko was mortified that Yumi must have expected her answer. "Let's go eat—" She tried to rise, but Yumi's hand was on her forearm. Touko, as always, was surprised at her strength.
"Later. Let's talk about this first." Yumi's voice was firm, and Touko couldn't help but appreciate that. She sat back down and refused to meet Yumi's eyes. Yumi remained silent, and Touko shifted in discomfort as she picked up every awkward noise around them that magnified the silence between them. She couldn't stand that silence and said, "I don't have any right to be...jealous." She nearly choked on the word. "You and Sachiko-onee-sama love each other. I know that."
"We do," Yumi confirmed. Touko's eyes pricked with tears. Of course, Touko-chan. "But I love you too, Touko-chan."
"Don't patronize me, Yumi-sama," Touko snapped, refusing to use the affectionate Onee-sama when she had just had her heart pierced.
"I'm not." Yumi sounded a little affronted. "You're supposed to say, 'I love you too, Yumi-sama,' or 'Onee-sama', or 'Yumi' if you'd like."
She had been given permission to address Yumi without a title. It clashed with the flippancy of her response, and Touko's brain was so confused in processing she wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. "It isn't the same for me." She peaked up at Yumi nervously and was shocked to see a crestfallen look cross her face.
"Oh, sorry." Yumi produced a fake laugh, as if Touko had somehow hurt her. "I just assumed."
"Oh my God!" Touko snapped, completely exasperated. "It isn't the same because I'm gay, alright!" She struggled to get to her feet, which could take her away from Yumi, who clearly wasn't abnormal and didn't approve, or maybe she did and didn't feel the same way, which was possibly worse—
Yumi had her by the arm again. "I am too."
Touko's brain stopped working. Yumi generally managed to flabbergast her, but this... "Wha?" she gasped, sitting from the force of her shock.
"Is it that surprising?" Yumi asked, blushing. She smiled then, so bright that Touko felt almost blinded by her apparent happiness. "Thank you so much for telling me, Touko-chan. Boy, I feel better."
Touko knew she was still gaping. "I think you've misunderstood me, Yumi-sama."
"I like girls?" Yumi clarified.
"B-but you're... You're so cute and feminine—"
"Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?"
"—and you're popular at Hanadera!"
"Really?" Yumi seemed surprised by that oh-so-obvious fact. She turned a contemplative look to Touko. "Maybe that's because I look like my brother."
Touko's jaw worked, and she laughed for a moment at the joke. Then, overwhelmed, she burst into tears. Yumi's arms wrapped around her, and Touko was all but in her lap. She pressed her face against Yumi's neck and sobbed, half noticing how good Yumi smelled and how soft her hair was against Touko's cheek. "Y-y-you and Sachiko-onee—"
"I thought that's what this was about." Yumi had the audacity to sound happy as Touko cried her heart out. Touko tried to pull away, but Yumi was stronger than she was, or just maybe Touko wanted to stay where she was as much as Yumi apparently did. "Touko-chan, I love Sachiko-san." Touko let out a sob. "But nothing's ever going to be between us like that." Her fingers traced over the soft hair on Touko's neck, and Touko shivered, gaining control over her urge to keep crying.
"B-b-but she knows you; she understands you, and I don't. I still don't."
"What's there to understand?" Yumi's voice was surprisingly gentle. "I don't get you a lot, but I still love you."
"But you love her."
"I love you too," Yumi pointed out. "In the same way that you love me."
"The same..." Touko pulled back successfully this time. She wiped desperately at the tears still running from her eyes. "Like what?"
"What?"
"Like how?" Touko asked, tears brimming again.
Yumi blushed—darker than Touko had ever seen her blush. "Um..." She ticked off on her fingers, "Like dates and kissing...and other things. Girlfriends, you know?"
Touko's brain had screeched to a halt at somewhere in that statement. Her entire body radiated incredulity. "Huh? 'Other things'?"
Yumi blushed a shade darker. "Is it polite to say?"
"With me?" Surely Yumi was making fun of her!
She was rewarded with a look of helpless perplexity. "Is that a trick question?"
Touko lowered her head, her fears confirmed.
"I want you," Yumi said. Touko jerked her head up. Yumi's face (while still red) was very serious. "Is that clear enough?"
"But you love Sachiko-onee-sama. You love her more."
Yumi groaned and flopped back on her pillows. Touko wrenched her eyes away from Yumi's exposed thighs. "I don't love her more, Touko-chan. It's not like love comes in amounts."
"It does!" Touko defended. Yumi was too scared to answer the question. "If Sachiko-onee-sama were to say, 'I love you, Yumi; let's be lovers', you'd choose her." Over me.
"I don't know how either of us would know something like that, considering it won't happen."
"She would, if you asked her."
"I wouldn't ever do that. I'd rather something like love be freely offered." Yumi hesitated, seeing the look of pain that crossed Touko's face. "She's doing marriage interviews, Touko-chan."
"But you would choose her—"
"It's moot!" Yumi exclaimed, finally exasperated. "I don't see how you can use a situation that will never happen as proof that we...can't be together."
Touko was crying again. "Why is it so wrong for me to want to come first with you?" In so many other relationships, she was always second best, always the replacement, never the first choice. She couldn't bear it if Yumi viewed her in that way; it would be better for them never to get close in the first place.
"You do, Touko-chan." Yumi reached for her, but Touko wasn't having any of it.
"I love you above everyone else," she exclaimed. "I want it to be that way for you! I know I shouldn't; I know you love everybody you meet—" Yumi's face showed some shock. "—because you're just that way, but in this, I have to come first."
"Touko!" Yumi exclaimed. Her hand was firmly on Touko's wrist. "I love you. I love being with you. I want you, too, and I don't want anyone else. It isn't fair of you to assume these things about me! If you're too scared or if you don't want me, please just tell me." Her unhappy smile nearly broke Touko's heart. "Let me down easy."
Touko realized this hadn't been easy for Yumi at all. She'd gone out on a limb and met Touko's fears gently, as Touko had not done for her. She knew, too—had learned the hard way—that Yumi's heart was too wide for its own good. That didn't negate that Yumi loved her and would be loyal to a fault. Yumi proved on the occasion that she could be jealous; surely she could understand that feeling of wanting assurance in being the only one. But she would never say so because she could never belittle her other loved ones.
Touko relaxed slowly, easing back into a sitting position, and she trembled in fear now that Yumi had sapped her self-righteous anger away. She didn't rebuff Yumi's grip on her hand, instead laced their fingers together, only half-believing this was really happening.
"Is it wrong for me to want to love someone who'll love me back?" Yumi asked her quietly. "Someone I could make a life with?"
"No," Touko replied, shaking again at the permanence suggested by her Onee-sama. "I'm just...jealous. I'm a jealous person."
"There's no reason to be," Yumi soothed, smiling faintly. Touko noted Yumi was tearing up. "It's kind of flattering." She paused. "Is that a yes or no? Or a maybe?"
Touko's mouth went dry. "Yes," she whispered. I love you, she wanted to say again, but Yumi had scooted closer and wrapped an arm over her shoulders, and—oh!—they were going to kiss. She was finally going to kiss another girl—what's more, she was going to kiss Yumi-sama.
Touko hardly knew what to do, but she felt like the top of her head was going to come off. She was hot all over, still crying a little bit, and Yumi's lips were so soft, her cheeks too, her breath so sweet and warm. Touko sighed and closed her eyes, pressing back, moving her lips. She nearly fainted at the sound of Yumi's breathy moan. It was sensory overload, all of it, especially combined with the gentle sounds of their kisses themselves and the taste of Yumi's mouth—and, oh, Yumi's tongue against hers; she hadn't expected that, how wonderful...
They pulled back after some unknown time, and Yumi leaned bonelessly against Touko. "I've wanted to do that for months."
"Me, too," Touko murmured, feeling vulnerable. "Since middle school."
Yumi squeezed her to demonstrate her surprise. "Middle school? How did you know about me?"
"I came for the Valentine's hunt and saw you. You were so..." Was there a word to describe Yumi's strength, beauty, the energy and light that radiated from her as she raced away from her pursuers? "It scared me, how I felt about you." She wanted to kiss Yumi again but couldn't find the courage to tilt her head. Yumi must have sensed it for she didn't lack the courage. We work if only because of that, Touko thought before thinking became too much.
When there was respite, Touko buried her face against Yumi's neck again and mumbled out, "I love you."
Yumi squeezed her waist comfortingly. "I love you, too, Touko-chan."
"I always thought I was prudish or immature," Yumi told her a while later.
"Prude? You, Yumi-sama?" Touko remembered vividly how Yumi's bold hands fondled her breasts just a few minutes before. She certainly hadn't expected it, nor had she expected how delighted she herself was about Yumi's apparent desire and her satisfaction with Touko's body, which had always been underwhelming to Touko herself. Even now, Yumi stroked fingertips across her lower back and teased Touko's loose curls. Yumi had taken her hair down for some insane reason; it was hot and everywhere, and, and…it felt really really good when Yumi's fingers rubbed the nape of her neck-
"'Yumi'," she reminded Touko.
"Yumi," Touko murmured. It was even more intimate than the 'Onee-sama' still remained.
"Well, I didn't like to think about sex and marriage and having babies. I knew gays existed—"
"Sei-sama," Touko pointed out.
"Half the time I never consider that Sei-san is actually gay. She just loves women. I've always been comfortable around her, which is telling, I guess." Yumi kissed Touko's cheek sweetly. "But Kashiwagi-san comes more to mind." They both smiled at that. "But it was always abstract. Whatever I felt about other girls that had sexual implications was 'okay because we're both girls', you know?"
"No," Touko admitted. "I've known I'm gay since I was twelve."
"Wow! That would have been nice." Yumi sighed. "I guess it just came to me last year. I actually looked and thought, 'Oh, that makes sense'." She lifted her head and smiled at Touko, who had shifted to be able to see her face. Touko pushed the 'Looked at whom?' from her mind. She didn't want to know. It didn't matter.
"You don't feel guilty?"
"No more than the average teenager who just made out with her girlfriend with her parents downstairs."
"Yumi!"
They jumped when Yuuki's muffled voice came through her door. He opened it without knocking out of habit. He saw Touko spooned against Yumi, their tousled hair and clothes, and their surprised expressions. He closed the door quickly. "Er... Dinner's going to be ready soon. Sorry."
"Geez. I'm always telling him to knock first! We could have been naked or something."
They both paused at that. Touko blushed just thinking about it. Yumi looked down at her, completely serious—actually, looking strangely pleased at the thought.
"Later," Touko blurted, shocked at her own audacity. "Dinner's almost ready, and..."
Yumi kissed her thoroughly, smiling against her mouth.
It was surprisingly difficult to pretend none of it had happened the next day of school. Touko found herself blushing when Yumi hailed her at Mary's statue, feeling flushed when Yumi's arm brushed hers as she refilled her Onee-sama's tea, and daydreaming in class and—even worse—during both Yamayurikai activities and Drama Club. She was having a really hard time not being notably happy too. She knew she failed on that measure when Noriko did a double-take during lunch on Tuesday and exclaimed, "What happened to you? 'cause I want it to happen to me too."
Which made Touko think about Yumi's kisses and her hands doing things they oughtn't to do, which in turn made her blush scarlet.
"Wow," Noriko said. "Did you meet a boy or something?"
"Of course not. When would she have had the time between Yamayurikai, Drama Club, and me?" Out of the blue, Yumi plopped down between them with her bento in hand. "May I eat with you?" she asked.
"You shouldn't sit down and start eating before you ask, Onee-sama," Touko reprimanded gently. She had to feign irritation, of course.
"Sorry, sorry," Yumi amended, grinning almost wickedly. She seemed to be channeling Sei-sama more and more recently. According to Sachiko, that was a 'decidedly bad thing'. Touko wasn't so sure. Something about that devilish grin on Yumi's face was…hot.
Touko, of course, blushed and smiled back despite herself.
"Did you need something, Yumi-sama?" Noriko chose not to mention Touko's strange behavior.
"Not a thing."
They sat and chatted until classes started. Because Noriko mentioned nothing hinting at suspicion on the walk to their class, Touko thought she was home-free. However, Noriko caught her on the way to Yamayurikai and led her off to the greenhouse for privacy.
"What did you want to talk about?" Touko feigned.
"Let me rephrase my question: Did you meet a girl?"
Even with her straight-faced mask in place, Touko couldn't control her blush. It was telling, given Noriko's eyes widened in comprehension. "You and Yumi-san?" And to Touko's shock, Noriko smiled. "That's good; I was afraid it would end up being one of those repressed-feelings-in-high-school things."
"You aren't… It isn't weird to you, Noriko?"
"Nope," Noriko replied. "I'm bisexual, and I've had you and Yumi-san pinned for a while."
"Am I obvious? How could you tell with Onee-sama?"
"You aren't obvious; Yumi is, but only if you're looking. Maybe my gaydar is just that good." Noriko sighed. "You're probably the only happy second-year on campus too."
"Stop moping," Touko told her gently, feeling for once that everything was going right.
-end-