Disclaimer: I own nothing by myself and I don't even show up in this story. And, frankly, with my credit card bill and student loans, it really isn't worth it to sue me. Chris Jericho and other characters belong to WWE and/or Vince McMahon... yadda yadda yadda. Enjoy!
Warning: Story contains strong language and male/male adult interactions. Rated M for a reason.
Goldilocks and the Two Bears
Part I
Chris stared at the little house sitting by the lake. It was an old, rickety two-story monstrosity that looked like it was being held together with nails, caulk, and spit. A crooked, weed-choked path led up to the door. Some of the paving stones stuck up at odd angles while others had long since sunk into the ground. The door was an old-fashioned type with a big brass knocker instead of a doorbell. It was the sorriest thing he had laid eyes on since he'd come across that three-legged, tailless squirrel a half a mile back.
As pledge of Theta Kappa Mu, he had experienced his share of hazing. There were the midnight Denny's runs, the recitations of nursery rhymes whenever a specific person's name was called – Chris' tune was "I'm a Little Teapot"—, and the Blind Man's Bluff through Poison Ivy Alley. This latest prank had been one of the more unbelievable of stunts. He'd been prepared for the kidnapping and the blindfold. And, after the last set of trials, he had learned to go to bed wearing a pair of track pants with his cell phone and some cash stowed in a hidden pocket. The last guy that had been dragged naked out of bed had to wear a layer of calamine lotion under his shorts for a week.
Therefore, he had been ready when that bunch of nutcases shoved him and his fellow pledges into the back of a van and dropped them off, one by one, in the middle of nowhere as the sun went down. Each of them had been given a map and a compass and had been informed that the last one to reach the House would spend the rest of the semester doing Denny's runs.
Over two hours after being dropped off in this no man's land, Chris realized he'd had a better chance of finding the lost city of Atlantis than finding his way home. But at least he wouldn't have to worry about doing the Denny's runs. With all this overgrowth, it would take at least a month before they found his body. His cell phone had been absolutely useless in the land that civilization forgot. Having lost his last bar as soon as the van veered off the main road, his top-of-the-line gadget was reduced to the status of over-priced time-keeper. And he was sure that the only place this map would lead him was to Sesame Street.
This was why he was standing in front of the only sign of human life for miles around. It would be just his luck if the dump turned out to be abandoned. Out of courtesy, he tried the knocker. Three deep booms resonated deep into the dwelling, but nothing stirred. Not even a flicker of a window curtain. It seemed the only things out in that neck of the woods were him and a slightly lame squirrel.
Expecting the door to be locked, he nearly jumped out of his pants when the knob turned easily under his hand and the door slowly swung open. The hinges creaked loud enough to wake the dead as he gazed into the pitch black interior of the house. At this point, any person with half a brain would turn tail then and there. Maybe Stumpy the Squirrel had a place he could spend the night.
Chris had more than half a brain. He had his wits about him and reasoned that a house in such decrepit condition must be abandoned. What kind of person would willingly stay in a dump like this, with absolutely no human contact?
The desperate kind. And Chris certainly fell into that category. He'd take his chances inside the house.
He felt along the wall for a light switch. Even if he found one, he doubted it would be of any use. From little he could recall of high school physics, there had to be a flow of electricity for a light switch to function. And the last time he'd checked, it cost money to keep the lights on. This did not look like the home of a person who could afford the bare necessities. Chris easily found the switch, said a little prayer, and flicked it.
The first surprise was that the switch actually worked. Light filled the room, leading to the second surprise. The place was immaculate, pristine, with not one item out of place. The carpet beneath his feet was a lush burgundy color. His sneakers suck deep with every step. The walls were a rich cream with coffee accents bordering the ceiling. The furniture was polished wood, maybe oak or maple. The sofa and loveseat was covered in brown leather, worn in places from use. It had a broken-in quality, like the owner knew every lump and dip because they had made them. A brick fireplace sat against the far wall, a marble mantle surrounded it. Chris was too drawn by the smell of food to notice the pictures placed on top of it.
Across from the sitting area was a large round table surrounded by wooden chairs. In the middle of the table sat the largest stack of ribs that Chris had ever seen. He was sure they had to have come from an entire head of cattle or perhaps some other large land mammal. There was a basket of biscuits, a bowl of baked beans, and a case of Captain Morgan's. Until he smelled that delicious aroma, Chris had no idea he had worked up such a hunger. If he hadn't stumbled upon this place, he would have had to dine on acorns alongside Stumpy.
Chris hurried over to the table and snatched a piece of meat from the top of the pile. The sweet, tangy scent of barbeque sauce set his mouth to watering and he took a big bite. Disobeying his mother's direct orders, he chewed loudly and with his mouth open. It was a disgusting display, but Chris was far from caring. All he wanted was a full belly. He'd pick up his manners on the way out.
The hint of spiciness from the sauce grew and grew until it was like the Devil was holding a bonfire in Chris' mouth. He dropped the rib onto the table, smudging the cloth, and searched for something to end his suffering. He was about to down a bottle of rum before remembering that bread would be better. He stuffed a biscuit in his mouth, chewed, swallowed, and then repeated the process with two more biscuits.
Once satisfied that none of his fillings were melted or that he'd done no permanent damage to his taste buds, Chris eyed the rest of the food warily. For all he knew, the whole lot could be contaminated with Devil's Spit. He tasted a spoonful of beans and awaited the ball of fire. When it did not come, he deemed the beans edible and devoured half the bowl. He noticed a second, smaller platter of ribs. Knowing a man cannot survive on beans alone, he decided to give them a try. To his delight, they were juicy and tender without making his eyes and nose run. Belly full and feeling jolly, Chris decided to give the place a look around. Seeing as the inside was nothing like the outside, he wondered what other surprises it might be hiding.
Past the sitting and dining areas was a staircase leading to the upper level, and a corridor heading towards the back of the house. Following the corridor, he came across a bathroom, a laundry room with a washer and dryer, and an entertainment room. The large room was filled with state of the art equipment. A big screen plasma TV mounted on the wall along with surround-sound speakers. A DVD player along with two different video game consoles. On the walls on either side of the television were racks of movies and games. The furniture was the same as in the sitting area. The couches in this room, however, were larger and there were two recliners as well.
Chris took a seat in the recliner on his left. It was covered in black leather and the thing damn near swallowed him whole. He sank deeply into the soft cushions and had to grab hold of the armrests for fear that he might never get out of it. While it had only taken him less than thirty seconds to get into it, it took him more than five minutes to get out of it. Two of those minutes had been spent cursing himself for getting into this mess in the first place.
He left the room, leaving the other chair untouched. It was probably a deathtrap as well. Returning to the front of the house, he went up the stairs. At the top were two rooms, one on each side. Both of the doors were closed so Chris used the Eeney, Meeney, Miney, Moe Method of choosing which room to enter. The room on the right was Moe.
What immediately drew Chris' eye was the bed. If there was a size beyond king, this bed would be it. It was as if two normal-sized beds had gotten together, mated, and produced this gigantic mutant offspring. It was massive. It was monstrous. And, after taking a running leap and landing in the middle, Chris discovered that it was as soft as a cloud in Heaven.