Zura's Strange Addiction
This program depicts addictive behaviors that are dangerous and risky in nature
Viewer discretion is advised.
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, my name is Katsura Kotaro and this fine day I am here to let people know about my one and only true passion. Elizabeth."
It seems the guests keep getting weirder as the time goes by.
And with that we are starting this new episode of 'My Strange Addiction'.
Today we have in the studio Kotaro Katsura, a young man with his head on his shoulders and a 'pet' that follows him wherever he goes.
Kotaro Katsura, nicknames: Zura, Zurako, Katsurapyo, Zurabeth.
The last one is Kotaro's own creation because he says that if he and Elizabeth end up in Hollywood someday they will need a couple name.
"Elizabeth is… how can I even say this? She means everything to me. She has been my companion through thick and thin, in the worst and best moments of my life, when I had no one to rely on… she was here."
Gintoki Sakata, best friend of Kotaro
"Zura once dropped an egg in the street and this… this egg-looking thing he calls Elizabeth was passing by and it 'told' him to not mistreat his sibling, and for some reason Zura started crying from joy. Since then they're 'best friends for life'… like… what the actual fuck? And no, I have no idea why Zura was holding an egg in the middle of the street or why that thing called the egg its 'sibling'. Their level of stupidity scares me sometimes. Most of the time. Just all the time."
Shinsuke Takasugi, Kotaro's boyfriend AKA The Love Of His Life
"It seems like you guys did something fucking right. For once. Today I won't call my lawyers on you, instead I will gladly talk about my boyfriend and his amazing qualities because Kotaro is perfect and I will give him anything he wants."
Gintoki
"Pfff! Imagine having a crazy boyfriend who has a very strange addiction and asks for the weirdest things and you give him everything he wants just because you think he's cute. I can't relat-… oh shit. Wait-"
Gintoki is suddenly hit with the realization that he, in fact, can relate.
Meanwhile Kotaro continues talking about his addiction that he only sees as 'passion'.
"Elizabeth looks so cute with a tutu on. I think she would be a great ballerina. Or an actress. Or a singer. Or a-"
We had to cut two hours of footage because Kotaro kept praising his 'pet'.
"-and that is what I think of Elizabeth…. if you didn't get everything I can repeat it a second time. As I was saying, Elizabeth looks super cute when-"
This was a long interview…
Nishiki Ikumatsu, one of Kotaro's dear friends
"I would ask why I am here, but I feel it's better not to considering who is involved. I don't have much to say, except sometimes Katsura will come at the shop with his…. 'pet' in tow. And let me tell you, that thing doesn't eat… but it inhales the ramen. Sometimes it comes alone to eat, but never pays and always leaves the bill for Katsura. Reminds me of someone else I know."
Gintoki
"A-Achoo! …I don't know why but I feel like someone is talking about me. Must be all my insatiable fangirls out there.
This man thinks he is such a heartthrob. What a pathetic madao.
"Hey! I read that! You ungrateful assholes without me you wouldn't even have this program-"
We interrupt the program for an undetermined amount of time because an unannounced guest makes a sudden appearance.
Matako Kijima, a *** and a ****** and also a *******, in Kotaro's own words
"Finally! I am free! That fucking psycho poisoned me! And then he locked me inside that hospital room so I couldn't escape! I'm telling you he wants my Shinsuke all to himself and he is trying to get rid of me! He will-"
Kotaro
"I have no idea what she is talking about. Oh, I suddenly have the need to tell everyone something. I won't say the name, but there is a very dangerous and horrible individual out there that needs to be stopped. She is blonde, dresses mostly in pink, which in my humble opinion is very unflattering for her skin tone, and she lives in XXXXXX. If you would like to pay her a visit and leave a small gift, please do so."
Shinsuke
"Kotaro is cute when he gets so jealous he tries to incinerate my co-workers with a glare and end their life in any possible way, shape or form. I think he's adorable."
Tatsuma Sakamoto, one of Kotaro's best friends (maybe)
"Ahahah Zura's jealousy knows no limits! And I think it's so cute how Suki finds it adorable!"
Gintoki
"I think they're both fucking idiots so, again, it makes sense how they're together. And whoever finds them adorable is a fucking idiot too. By the way, I am talking about Tatsuma if that wasn't clear enough."
Tatsuma
"Achooooo! Ahahahah someone must be talking about me! I bet they are saying really nice and amazing things ahahahah!"
Gintoki & Shinsuke
"…Fucking idiot."
But how does Kotaro really feel about Elizabeth?
Kotaro
"I have already said this and I will keep doing so for the rest of my life, Elizabeth is the best thing that will ever happen to this world. I feel sadness in my heart knowing there are people out there still not aware of this magnificent being. That is why, of course, when I am going somewhere I have to make sure that everyone will remember Elizabeth's name."
Toshiro Hijikata, boyfriend of one of Kotaro's best friends and has no apparent relation to Kotaro whatsoever
"Why am I here?…No, seriously, I don't really know him…. so what am I doing here?"
We asked Toshiro if there is an occasion in particular he remembers in which Kotaro's strange addiction was involved.
"…now that I think about it… I don't know why, but last week we were all in the same place at the same time, in the middle of the traffic. And Katsura climbed on top of a car with a megaphone and started telling everyone random facts about that… thing. For example how 'Elizabeth is going to start ballet in the spring and everyone should come and see her first performance since the ticket will be 50% off'. Some people were pissed off and started throwing tomatoes at him, Takasugi was throwing rotten eggs back at them, Sakamoto was laughing so much he choked and Gintoki was eating popcorn and pretending we were watching a movie. It was a mess. …I still have no idea where Gintoki found the popcorn."
Tatsuma
"Ahahah, Zura is so extra sometimes! That's why everyone loves him! He did end up being arrested for that, though. And he tried to bribe the police with cute pictures of Elizabeth… a few officers ended up buying the whole album ahahaha!"
Gintoki
"By the way Zura's rich as fuck, did you know that? Both he and Bakasugi are. And they never give me any money, can you believe that!? I always have to steal- I mean… I always have to borrow money from them…yeah, that's what I do, borrow."
What are your real concerns about Kotaro's addiction?
Gintoki
"You know guys, I feel like we've become friends after so many interviews. I mean, people obviously come here to watch me and hear my wonderful opinions, no one cares about these suckers anyway. I'm the star of the show. And everyone knows that you buy things to stars, so… who's buying me a milkshake? C'mon, I've gone like… two hours without sugar. I'm literally dying of withdrawals right now."
Shinsuke
"No one is going to stop my boyfriend. Or yakult. And just to make things clear, yakult did not become famous because of that movie. Yakult has always been the holy grail. So fuck you Peter Kavinsky, you did not discover yakult first and you don't have rights over it, okay?!"
Apparently Shinsuke still has some issues of his own.
And so does Gintoki.
And finally we have the real star of the show today.
The one and only:
Elizabeth
Elizabeth, or Lizzy, the only non-human person Kotaro cares about
'I am cute. Come see my first performance as a ballerina. The ticket will be 50% off.'
Tatsuma
"Do you think if I went to Elizabeth's performance Zura would give me a discount?"
Apparently no one really cares about Kotaro's addiction.
Even after the program Kotaro still does not think he has an 'addiction.' He bought more than a hundred costumes for Elizabeth and became a full-time agent.
Elizabeth starred in several spots such as- 'Luxeen: the toilet paper that leaves your bum softer than a baby egg'.
And short films like- 'Don't be afraid of joy, take care of your hemorrhoids'.
And now since in Kotaro's own words 'the whole universe needs to know about her beauty' Elizabeth is currently auditioning for Miss Universe.
Ikumatsu doesn't really care.
Toshiro doesn't care either.
Shinsuke is going to sue Peter Kavinsky.
Various anonymous sent Matako gifts that she later discovered were colonies of ants and now her house is being disinfested. Elizabeth ripped to shreds all of her clothes. Kotaro says that 'he doesn't know what Matako is talking about.'
We think he does.
Tatsuma went to Elizabeth's ballet. He paid the full price.
No one bought Gintoki a milkshake.
. . .
A/N: I finally finished this one too. I really needed to get it out today.