All chapters in this story will be in Kaoru's POV, unless otherwise
denoted. I've decided not to put any Author's notes at the bottom…I just
don't feel like it for some reason…hope you guys don't mind.
----------------------
Ch.1: Torn
Overhead, the disco ball's light sang. Pink, blue, yellow danced over the floors while I watched rather bored in the corner. People danced in the middle, people made out in the corners, people got drunk at the bar. Tonight was busy, I had to admit. But, I wasn't here to watch a bunch of useless people. I needed to find someone for tonight. I was here for tonight, not for anything else. Plus, a thirteen year old couldn't really drink anything anyways. Not that I didn't have a fake license to get in here, but that was besides the point. My point here was to get in here, get someone to rob, and then get the hell outta here.
My eyes searched the crowd. There had to be some rich guy here. I could see the tight, high skirts of girls that I had no interest in. I could see the black leather slacks of some guy in the corner who had them half-shrugged off in his attempt to get at a girl. I looked away. That wasn't any of my business. I had to look for a guy who was kind of laid back; didn't wear tight stuff to show off his body, but certainly had a good one. A guy who purposefully wore plain clothes to underdress his status and wealth, and single. That was most important. And as my eyes ran over the people in the corner tables, they rested on just such a gentlemen.
I grinned. There I go. Now all I had to do was wait for him to get up. I straightened my wig and fixed the fake pearls on my neck. The bangles clinked softly in a voice no one could hear as I intercepted the guy as he went towards the door. About twenty-looking, and if I was wrong, he was probably seventeen or something and just looked older for his age. He didn't have any makeup on; in fact, he didn't even bother to dress properly for this kind of club. I caught the edge of his sleeve and purred against him, careful not to let him see too much of my face until the last moment. "Hey", I said in the most seductive voice I could muster at the moment (inside, I was cringing from the heat of this stupid polyester skirt), "wanna you and me tonight?"
This seemed to amuse him. A sardonic smile curled his lips, and his not-quite-gray-not-quite-brown-but-something-in-between ponytail swished with finery. I smirked with furious glee; I was gonna get me some money tonight once this guy was dead. After he was dead, it was only a matter of time before I could search his hotel room or such. However, I froze when he looked down at me (I hate it that everyone's taller than I am). His eyes seemed to pierce me with the strangest, coldest look I had ever seen. I almost stepped back in surprise, but my instincts caught me before that. If you step back, that little voice in my head warned, no money, which means no dinner for little Kaoru. But still, my intuition told me to turn away, to forget about this, to let go of this stranger's arm because he KNEW, he KNEW that I wasn't just going for a night of fun – he knew I was going to kill him and take his fat wallet and then run off to spend it. And even as that little instinct of "run away" told me to change my mind, to forget about this, his hand caught my shoulder, and his voice tickled in my ear more amorously than I had ever performed before.
"Room 128, upstairs. Past midnight. Knock twice and wait." And he was gone when I turned.
I wanted to run after him to call out to him, to tell him I wanted to call it off. That would've blown my cover, of course, not as a girl looking for a night of fun but as a thief and a cheapskate. But he was already gone when I turned. And I had nothing I could do but follow the appointment. In this little world, appointments were sacred. You broke one and went to jail. The streetwatchers, or affectionately called "police", could actually track down a decent person here. Promises were gold. You treated them as such. And as messed up as this society was with all it's goddamn rules, I still had to follow them. A lawbreaker didn't go without penance here. It was tight fitting if you were a crook. However, the police didn't have time to check each and every single murder case because there was enough rowdiness on the streets, so I would be let off. So far, as an experienced campaigner in the business, I had never been caught killing a guy for his money, nor had I been penalized in court. Hell, I had never even gone to court.
"Knock twice and wait" echoed through my mind.
* * *
The clubhouse I had visited also hosted a rather rowdy hotel upstairs. The whole five-story building could have been called a five- story clubhouse – not a hotel. People who rented out the place usually rented it out for a night or so just to throw parties in its luxurious rooms, to lounge and stretch out like cats on red velvet couches, to twirl the curtains covers before they climbed on top of each other and 'slept'. People generally didn't sleep in this place. They partied, day and night. And while that was a bit of a trouble for us thieves (noise ruined the 'sexy' mood that we had to get before a person let us in their bed, which led to no money), it couldn't exactly be helped. The manager had tried to throw all of the drunk teenagers on the street, but he consequentially also lost a lot of money and even more customers for a little while. Finally they threw him out and replaced the old dude with a young punk that liked to party just as much as his customers.
My hand trembled as I raised it to knock. Behind me several drunk girls passed me, leaning on each other's shoulders. I checked the room number for the umpteenth time (128; that number would be engraved in my memory for all time), and hesitantly knocked twice. There was a slight click, and the door opened.
My target was currently leaning against the bureau, drying his hair. I could see muscles under that fine skin, and I knew that this would be a hard one. Blowing away a stray lock of hair, he looked out from the mass of gray-brown and said in a soft voice, "Hi. Welcome."
A man of few words, I determined. Business instincts took over. The best thing to do was to get every single little detail about your little customer before you killed him, because then you'd know more to set the mood. Upstairs, there came a sudden crash and we both looked up at the ceiling at the same time. The sound upstairs was followed by loud, hysterical laughter. Some girl must be drunk, I thought. As always. Tomorrow I would have to change hotels so that I wouldn't be caught. The trick was to stay at a hotel a few nights, find a few guys each consecutive night to kill, then go to another hotel and do the same. If the police seemed to be lurking around, leave the hotel. That had actually happened to me, once. The streetwatchers in the halls beat down all the partying people. Me and my little victim were pretending (at least, I was pretending) to be making out, but before they could burst in, I knocked that little knob at the back of that man's neck and cracked his spine. Problem solved. The police left, thinking that we were both asleep, and I got the man's wallet from his pants pocket.
I don't look back on those deaths. Who asked them to come to that club that night, find a pretty girl like me, and settle down for the night and get killed. I could have laughed at their stupidity. I wasn't even a girl, but if I offered the same to a girl, she's most likely turn it down. If I offered it to a guy…well, let's say the gays to go another club. A club I don't usually visit, and didn't want to visit anytime soon. I may not be afraid of killing someone, but I am hella scared of getting groped by some disgusting pervert, guy or girl.
I slunk up close to him, like I usually do, and whispered something about falling in love at first sight. He seemed to buy it, and he led me to the bed. We slipped in without taking off whatever we had on (he didn't have much to take off anyways, just a towel), and when he trailed his lips over my cheek and my neck I whimpered in response. This usually got them going, making their movement aggressive and taking their minds off what I was doing. Now was the time, I thought, when he pressed his face against the crook of my neck. In one swift movement, I pulled out of the small knife I hid in the back of my shirt and brought it down on the man's unprotected neck.
I found it parried by an ornate bone hilt with a jewel larger than my eyes . It didn't even have a blade on it; just a hilt. And while I was shocked, I forgot what I supposed to be doing for the moment and found myself smothered in the pillows and stomach down on the bed. Damn. The guy caught me unawares.
"Nice to meet you too, Kaoru Kogenei", his low, husky whisper raced against my skin like hot ice. I involuntarily shivered. Who could he be, some kinda police or streetwatcher of sorts? It was certainly possible. I struggled, but he had already bound my hands together. In a movement, he flipped me over and promptly sat on my legs. I whined in response. He was HEAVY.
Behind me, my hands worked to free the string. Think of it like the puzzles you like to do, I thought to myself as my hands furiously found holes in the knotting and started to pull it out. That's right, Kogenei, let your brilliant mind take over that puzzle. It's just another mistake this guy's made. But meanwhile, I had to keep the act.
"Hey", I said in my best "I'm-so-innocent" voice, "why'd you wrap me up? I haven't done nuthin' wrong, mister. I'm just a girl looking for some fun. Won't you let me go?" I batted my eyelashes, but he didn't seem to be buying it. His face remained stoic. Mentally I groaned. Why did I pick this guy again? Oh, yes. Of course. He looked aristocratic. A guy easy to kill. So why was I struggling? My hands straightened the piece of string. I couldn't go anywhere right now, even with my hands unbound. I had to wait for him to get off of my legs first before I could take a run for it. Neither could I let my eyes stray from his face, or else he would realize I was looking for an escape route and look suspicious. Keep up the act, Kogenei. You'll get out of this, I told myself.
"This", he said, picking up my penknife from where it had dropped on the other side of the spacious bed, "pretty much shows what you are, Kogenei. I don't think I, or you, need any explanations. You are a thief and a murderer, am I correct?"
"Mou", I whined in my best whiny voice, "what are you talking about? I'm just a girl looking for some fun! Mister, you're really heavy, can you get off of my legs? They're falling asleep…" I trailed off at the intense look of his eyes.
In a single moment, he lifted that stupid hilt of a sword and brought it under the hem of my shirt and brought it up. The shirt, the bra, ripped in two right down the middle of my chest. And that, of course, clearly showed I was NOT a girl, but very much a male. With that done, he then threw my wig of brown hair to the other side of the room. Not good, because he was looking more and more serious with every moment that passed. I struggled against his weight on my legs. I had to get them off! I didn't want to go to jail or anything! The people in there were crazy, and some people were raped there! I simply COULD NOT survive if I went there. With that thought, and with my pride, my hips tried to buck him off, but he only remained on there. Damn that I was so short and he was so tall!
"I offer you a choice, Kaoru Kogenei. You can stay here in the dumps or you can come up with me and never be hungry again." I paused. Certainly a very tempting offer. But never mind. I was a kid. I needed freedom. And if this perverted guy was looking to take my body or something, I wasn't living for it. With one final triumphant shout, I threw him off of the bed completely with the force of my legs and untangled the last of my rope from my hands. Grabbing my dagger from where it dropped, I ran over him and towards the door.
His hand came on me a moment before that shiny knob was in my grasp. Kicking and shouting to wake the dead, he dragged me back to the bed. I fought against him using tooth, nail and knife, trying to keep my weapon away. He avoided my swipes with practiced ease and after a moment, delivered a sharp chop to my wrist. The dagger fell to the floor, where he kicked it away. Weaponless and now terribly frightened, I looked at him with wide eyes.
It was then he gave me the biggest surprise of my life.
He did something kind. A stranger did something kind. A man I was going to kill did something kind for me. In one moment, he had seized me in something that could only be described as an affectionate hug. I froze. This wasn't what I expected. Incomplete thoughts whirled around in my head. I felt choked from all this sympathy, yet I felt so free from this fake love, like the booze when you drink too much. I felt completely detached from the bed, the walls the room. All I could feel, all I could see, was his arms around me, that simple gesture of sympathy that made me lean against him and sigh contentedly. Never once did I think that he was an enemy. It didn't occur to me. I forgot who I was, and why we had been fighting. Hell, I even forgot why he had a sword hilt in his hand and there was a dagger on the other side of the room.
And in a heartbeat, I had thrust him away from me. This man, this man was someone I had to kill. I had to take his money to survive. Survival of the fittest, of course. And all thoughts of love and whatever it is angels preach was gone from my mind in an instant, and there was, installed, the old, calculating mind of Kaoru Kogenei, back in place. I sprang back and place my hand on my dagger, only to find it kicked away. I threw a punch, only to have it deflected. I tried everything. There was no sound in the room except for the noise upstairs and downstairs, and the sound of our panting as we fought against each other, our eyes seeking weakness.
And there, absent in his eyes, was that same cold calculating feeling I knew I had. He wasn't trying to kill me, I realized as I looked him in the face. He was trying to save this poor, desolate little thirteen year old. And while that little kid wondered what he could do to save his ruined life, that stranger was helping him. He gave me a hug. That was the singlemost glorious moment of my life. I had never, ever received anything like that before. The word "love" and "kindness were foreign to me. What had this stranger done to change that?
Softly, I lowered my dagger. It fell against my shoe. He lowered his hands from his stance, and slowly walked up to me. "Kaoru Kogenei", he said softly, "I have a proposition to make. Come with me, and you'll never go hungry again. I promise. I know this may sound foolish, but in the place I live in there's no such thing as what you're doing now. I promise."
And through my mind, there only came one thought: what had I done to deserve this kindness from this man I did not know? So far in my life I had maimed, lied, cheated, stole, a thousand atrocities that God up there frowned upon. Why was this stranger offering me this when it should belong to some other saint in a church, ready to be lifted upon the bough of affection? It shouldn't be me. I wasn't…I wasn't…
…worthy…
With that, I tore out of the room, flapping shirt and ripped bra, no wig and high-heeled shoes and all. Gasping I hit the air outside of the club – how did I get there? I didn't quite remember – and tore down the street. And only when I reached the end of the street did I slow and take off my shoes, and set them to the side. That night, I lost everything: my pride, my affection for solitude, and my antipathy for life.
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Ch.1: Torn
Overhead, the disco ball's light sang. Pink, blue, yellow danced over the floors while I watched rather bored in the corner. People danced in the middle, people made out in the corners, people got drunk at the bar. Tonight was busy, I had to admit. But, I wasn't here to watch a bunch of useless people. I needed to find someone for tonight. I was here for tonight, not for anything else. Plus, a thirteen year old couldn't really drink anything anyways. Not that I didn't have a fake license to get in here, but that was besides the point. My point here was to get in here, get someone to rob, and then get the hell outta here.
My eyes searched the crowd. There had to be some rich guy here. I could see the tight, high skirts of girls that I had no interest in. I could see the black leather slacks of some guy in the corner who had them half-shrugged off in his attempt to get at a girl. I looked away. That wasn't any of my business. I had to look for a guy who was kind of laid back; didn't wear tight stuff to show off his body, but certainly had a good one. A guy who purposefully wore plain clothes to underdress his status and wealth, and single. That was most important. And as my eyes ran over the people in the corner tables, they rested on just such a gentlemen.
I grinned. There I go. Now all I had to do was wait for him to get up. I straightened my wig and fixed the fake pearls on my neck. The bangles clinked softly in a voice no one could hear as I intercepted the guy as he went towards the door. About twenty-looking, and if I was wrong, he was probably seventeen or something and just looked older for his age. He didn't have any makeup on; in fact, he didn't even bother to dress properly for this kind of club. I caught the edge of his sleeve and purred against him, careful not to let him see too much of my face until the last moment. "Hey", I said in the most seductive voice I could muster at the moment (inside, I was cringing from the heat of this stupid polyester skirt), "wanna you and me tonight?"
This seemed to amuse him. A sardonic smile curled his lips, and his not-quite-gray-not-quite-brown-but-something-in-between ponytail swished with finery. I smirked with furious glee; I was gonna get me some money tonight once this guy was dead. After he was dead, it was only a matter of time before I could search his hotel room or such. However, I froze when he looked down at me (I hate it that everyone's taller than I am). His eyes seemed to pierce me with the strangest, coldest look I had ever seen. I almost stepped back in surprise, but my instincts caught me before that. If you step back, that little voice in my head warned, no money, which means no dinner for little Kaoru. But still, my intuition told me to turn away, to forget about this, to let go of this stranger's arm because he KNEW, he KNEW that I wasn't just going for a night of fun – he knew I was going to kill him and take his fat wallet and then run off to spend it. And even as that little instinct of "run away" told me to change my mind, to forget about this, his hand caught my shoulder, and his voice tickled in my ear more amorously than I had ever performed before.
"Room 128, upstairs. Past midnight. Knock twice and wait." And he was gone when I turned.
I wanted to run after him to call out to him, to tell him I wanted to call it off. That would've blown my cover, of course, not as a girl looking for a night of fun but as a thief and a cheapskate. But he was already gone when I turned. And I had nothing I could do but follow the appointment. In this little world, appointments were sacred. You broke one and went to jail. The streetwatchers, or affectionately called "police", could actually track down a decent person here. Promises were gold. You treated them as such. And as messed up as this society was with all it's goddamn rules, I still had to follow them. A lawbreaker didn't go without penance here. It was tight fitting if you were a crook. However, the police didn't have time to check each and every single murder case because there was enough rowdiness on the streets, so I would be let off. So far, as an experienced campaigner in the business, I had never been caught killing a guy for his money, nor had I been penalized in court. Hell, I had never even gone to court.
"Knock twice and wait" echoed through my mind.
* * *
The clubhouse I had visited also hosted a rather rowdy hotel upstairs. The whole five-story building could have been called a five- story clubhouse – not a hotel. People who rented out the place usually rented it out for a night or so just to throw parties in its luxurious rooms, to lounge and stretch out like cats on red velvet couches, to twirl the curtains covers before they climbed on top of each other and 'slept'. People generally didn't sleep in this place. They partied, day and night. And while that was a bit of a trouble for us thieves (noise ruined the 'sexy' mood that we had to get before a person let us in their bed, which led to no money), it couldn't exactly be helped. The manager had tried to throw all of the drunk teenagers on the street, but he consequentially also lost a lot of money and even more customers for a little while. Finally they threw him out and replaced the old dude with a young punk that liked to party just as much as his customers.
My hand trembled as I raised it to knock. Behind me several drunk girls passed me, leaning on each other's shoulders. I checked the room number for the umpteenth time (128; that number would be engraved in my memory for all time), and hesitantly knocked twice. There was a slight click, and the door opened.
My target was currently leaning against the bureau, drying his hair. I could see muscles under that fine skin, and I knew that this would be a hard one. Blowing away a stray lock of hair, he looked out from the mass of gray-brown and said in a soft voice, "Hi. Welcome."
A man of few words, I determined. Business instincts took over. The best thing to do was to get every single little detail about your little customer before you killed him, because then you'd know more to set the mood. Upstairs, there came a sudden crash and we both looked up at the ceiling at the same time. The sound upstairs was followed by loud, hysterical laughter. Some girl must be drunk, I thought. As always. Tomorrow I would have to change hotels so that I wouldn't be caught. The trick was to stay at a hotel a few nights, find a few guys each consecutive night to kill, then go to another hotel and do the same. If the police seemed to be lurking around, leave the hotel. That had actually happened to me, once. The streetwatchers in the halls beat down all the partying people. Me and my little victim were pretending (at least, I was pretending) to be making out, but before they could burst in, I knocked that little knob at the back of that man's neck and cracked his spine. Problem solved. The police left, thinking that we were both asleep, and I got the man's wallet from his pants pocket.
I don't look back on those deaths. Who asked them to come to that club that night, find a pretty girl like me, and settle down for the night and get killed. I could have laughed at their stupidity. I wasn't even a girl, but if I offered the same to a girl, she's most likely turn it down. If I offered it to a guy…well, let's say the gays to go another club. A club I don't usually visit, and didn't want to visit anytime soon. I may not be afraid of killing someone, but I am hella scared of getting groped by some disgusting pervert, guy or girl.
I slunk up close to him, like I usually do, and whispered something about falling in love at first sight. He seemed to buy it, and he led me to the bed. We slipped in without taking off whatever we had on (he didn't have much to take off anyways, just a towel), and when he trailed his lips over my cheek and my neck I whimpered in response. This usually got them going, making their movement aggressive and taking their minds off what I was doing. Now was the time, I thought, when he pressed his face against the crook of my neck. In one swift movement, I pulled out of the small knife I hid in the back of my shirt and brought it down on the man's unprotected neck.
I found it parried by an ornate bone hilt with a jewel larger than my eyes . It didn't even have a blade on it; just a hilt. And while I was shocked, I forgot what I supposed to be doing for the moment and found myself smothered in the pillows and stomach down on the bed. Damn. The guy caught me unawares.
"Nice to meet you too, Kaoru Kogenei", his low, husky whisper raced against my skin like hot ice. I involuntarily shivered. Who could he be, some kinda police or streetwatcher of sorts? It was certainly possible. I struggled, but he had already bound my hands together. In a movement, he flipped me over and promptly sat on my legs. I whined in response. He was HEAVY.
Behind me, my hands worked to free the string. Think of it like the puzzles you like to do, I thought to myself as my hands furiously found holes in the knotting and started to pull it out. That's right, Kogenei, let your brilliant mind take over that puzzle. It's just another mistake this guy's made. But meanwhile, I had to keep the act.
"Hey", I said in my best "I'm-so-innocent" voice, "why'd you wrap me up? I haven't done nuthin' wrong, mister. I'm just a girl looking for some fun. Won't you let me go?" I batted my eyelashes, but he didn't seem to be buying it. His face remained stoic. Mentally I groaned. Why did I pick this guy again? Oh, yes. Of course. He looked aristocratic. A guy easy to kill. So why was I struggling? My hands straightened the piece of string. I couldn't go anywhere right now, even with my hands unbound. I had to wait for him to get off of my legs first before I could take a run for it. Neither could I let my eyes stray from his face, or else he would realize I was looking for an escape route and look suspicious. Keep up the act, Kogenei. You'll get out of this, I told myself.
"This", he said, picking up my penknife from where it had dropped on the other side of the spacious bed, "pretty much shows what you are, Kogenei. I don't think I, or you, need any explanations. You are a thief and a murderer, am I correct?"
"Mou", I whined in my best whiny voice, "what are you talking about? I'm just a girl looking for some fun! Mister, you're really heavy, can you get off of my legs? They're falling asleep…" I trailed off at the intense look of his eyes.
In a single moment, he lifted that stupid hilt of a sword and brought it under the hem of my shirt and brought it up. The shirt, the bra, ripped in two right down the middle of my chest. And that, of course, clearly showed I was NOT a girl, but very much a male. With that done, he then threw my wig of brown hair to the other side of the room. Not good, because he was looking more and more serious with every moment that passed. I struggled against his weight on my legs. I had to get them off! I didn't want to go to jail or anything! The people in there were crazy, and some people were raped there! I simply COULD NOT survive if I went there. With that thought, and with my pride, my hips tried to buck him off, but he only remained on there. Damn that I was so short and he was so tall!
"I offer you a choice, Kaoru Kogenei. You can stay here in the dumps or you can come up with me and never be hungry again." I paused. Certainly a very tempting offer. But never mind. I was a kid. I needed freedom. And if this perverted guy was looking to take my body or something, I wasn't living for it. With one final triumphant shout, I threw him off of the bed completely with the force of my legs and untangled the last of my rope from my hands. Grabbing my dagger from where it dropped, I ran over him and towards the door.
His hand came on me a moment before that shiny knob was in my grasp. Kicking and shouting to wake the dead, he dragged me back to the bed. I fought against him using tooth, nail and knife, trying to keep my weapon away. He avoided my swipes with practiced ease and after a moment, delivered a sharp chop to my wrist. The dagger fell to the floor, where he kicked it away. Weaponless and now terribly frightened, I looked at him with wide eyes.
It was then he gave me the biggest surprise of my life.
He did something kind. A stranger did something kind. A man I was going to kill did something kind for me. In one moment, he had seized me in something that could only be described as an affectionate hug. I froze. This wasn't what I expected. Incomplete thoughts whirled around in my head. I felt choked from all this sympathy, yet I felt so free from this fake love, like the booze when you drink too much. I felt completely detached from the bed, the walls the room. All I could feel, all I could see, was his arms around me, that simple gesture of sympathy that made me lean against him and sigh contentedly. Never once did I think that he was an enemy. It didn't occur to me. I forgot who I was, and why we had been fighting. Hell, I even forgot why he had a sword hilt in his hand and there was a dagger on the other side of the room.
And in a heartbeat, I had thrust him away from me. This man, this man was someone I had to kill. I had to take his money to survive. Survival of the fittest, of course. And all thoughts of love and whatever it is angels preach was gone from my mind in an instant, and there was, installed, the old, calculating mind of Kaoru Kogenei, back in place. I sprang back and place my hand on my dagger, only to find it kicked away. I threw a punch, only to have it deflected. I tried everything. There was no sound in the room except for the noise upstairs and downstairs, and the sound of our panting as we fought against each other, our eyes seeking weakness.
And there, absent in his eyes, was that same cold calculating feeling I knew I had. He wasn't trying to kill me, I realized as I looked him in the face. He was trying to save this poor, desolate little thirteen year old. And while that little kid wondered what he could do to save his ruined life, that stranger was helping him. He gave me a hug. That was the singlemost glorious moment of my life. I had never, ever received anything like that before. The word "love" and "kindness were foreign to me. What had this stranger done to change that?
Softly, I lowered my dagger. It fell against my shoe. He lowered his hands from his stance, and slowly walked up to me. "Kaoru Kogenei", he said softly, "I have a proposition to make. Come with me, and you'll never go hungry again. I promise. I know this may sound foolish, but in the place I live in there's no such thing as what you're doing now. I promise."
And through my mind, there only came one thought: what had I done to deserve this kindness from this man I did not know? So far in my life I had maimed, lied, cheated, stole, a thousand atrocities that God up there frowned upon. Why was this stranger offering me this when it should belong to some other saint in a church, ready to be lifted upon the bough of affection? It shouldn't be me. I wasn't…I wasn't…
…worthy…
With that, I tore out of the room, flapping shirt and ripped bra, no wig and high-heeled shoes and all. Gasping I hit the air outside of the club – how did I get there? I didn't quite remember – and tore down the street. And only when I reached the end of the street did I slow and take off my shoes, and set them to the side. That night, I lost everything: my pride, my affection for solitude, and my antipathy for life.