Jade West Vs Darth Vader.
Author: Invader Johnny.
Summary: The resident Goth has a strong disagreement with a certain Sith Lord.
Disclaimer: Neither Victorious or Star Wars belong to me, the rights belong to Dan Schneider and George Lucas respectively.
Author Notes: Not much to say here other than the title is far from original and that this idea is a product of my wandering mind after seeing the newest movie, plus I'm a long time fan of Darth Vader, why not give him a very scary formidable opponent?
Pardon any OOC on both Jade and Vader's parts, also be warned, minor spoiler alert for the latest film "Rogue One."
It was a very sunny day at the L.A park, quite beautiful to the naked eye.
The birds very chirping, a few people very playing with their pets, all in all it was the type of atmosphere where everything was filled with sunshine and happiness.
It was also the type of environment Jade hated to death.
"Ugh, I swear." She muttered in disgust "One of these days I'm going to gore my own eyes out with an ice cream scoop!"
Currently the aggravated Goth sat on a park bench, appalled by the world around her.
"Why the fuck did I decide to come here?"
So in an attempt to remedy the situation, Jade decided to look down at her phone, hoping that whatever she came across on the Internet would serve as distraction from the very poisonous (in her eyes) view of the world.
"I'm already dating a happy go lucky girl that with the power to fart rainbows out of her very sexy ass... The last thing I need is another reason to puke out my intestines."
Jade opened up a few Windows at random, giving into luck.
"Let's see... Horrible Deaths in movies? Meh, not in the mood."
She closed the window.
"Ghost Shark?... Really? People are getting stupid... I mean stupider."
She closes that as well.
"Humanity setting itself up for extinction." Jade read exasperatedly "Yeah no shit, tell me something I don't already know."
Yet another window is closed.
"Rogue One... Star Wars film sets box office record!" The Goth exclaimed angrily. "Now that's bullshit! The Scissoring could've done that!... If I directed it..."
Jade stopped mid sentence when she felt something go through every corner of her body.
"I feel a disturbance in the force." Jade's said absent-mindedly, then her eyes widened in horror, "Goddammit Vega! Look what you have me quoting now!"
Suddenly her 'gut feeling' came in such an unexpected form that Jade had to rub her eyes profoundly just to make sure she wasn't seeing things.
"What in the blue fuck?!"
The Sith Lord himself; Darth Vader came into view, walking with an aura of fear and destruction as people around him try to avoid him like the plague, although more likely than not, they didn't want to cross him, the last thing anyone wanted was to be chocked to death by the force.
But as Jade West was concerned, the cyborg didn't seem all that scary to her. Case and point he was holding a meowing Tooka in his arms, not very intimidating when you had a furry feline with you instead of a Kybuck to display military strength.
"Yes, Padme, soon you'll have your milk." He gently told his Tooka.
"Hey Vader!" Jade bellowed "You're Nit so thought if you have a pussy in your arms! And I'm not talking about my type of kitty!"
The Darth Lord stopped walking, he looked at the direction of the voice and he was met with the sight of a very angry teenage girl, it was quite a surprise to him (even thought you couldn't really tell behind that mask of his) because there was no one in the galaxy who would dare get on the wrong end of the dark side.
"Are you deaf?!" She asked "I'm calling you out you burned freak of nature!"
That set him off, the man did not take well to his skin condition so under his mark, Vader gave a dangerous glare that could rival Jade's.
The Sith Lord put his feline companion on the ground, who simply stared back at its owner.
"Go and explore those trees Padme." He ordered "This will be brief."
The furry Tooka took off, Vader then started walking towards Jade.
"Oh shit... Why did I just had to goad him over here?!"
Vader stopped right in front of her.
"What... Do... You... Want... Girl!"
"West... Jade... West."
"Excuse me?"
"My name is Jade you asthmatic dumbass!" She said with bravado "Would it hurt you to call people by their names?!"
"Be careful what you say girl." Vader warned ominously "You don't know the power of the dark side!"
"Yeah... Right, save that for the people who work for you!" Jade said dismissively "Now I have a bone to pick with you."
The Goth held her phone so it was in full view of the Sith Lord "Read the phone!"
He did as he was instructed (out of curiosity, not because he was afraid. "Rogue One, breaks a box office record... Umm yes... Good, very good, as I expected."
"Oh can it you smug cybernetic bastard!" Jade hissed "You're just lucky!"
"Luck has nothing to do with it." Vader replied "All Star Wars films are a success with the public."
"That's crap and you know it!" Jade snapped "The Phantom Menace sucks ass! The Scissoring is way better!"
"Oh I see." He smirked "Bitter are we that your precious movie could never achieve the grandeur of what the Empire could produce?"
"As if!" Jade said nastily "I seen your recruitment video! It was total crap!"
"And yet, we have more followers than the Scissoring ever could."
"Screw you Vader!" The Goth screamed "Yeah you rule the Galaxy blah blah blah, you may think that you're second in command! But in truth are just a fucking lap dog to Emperor Palpatine!"
"Quite a mouth you have youngling."
"Damn right I have!" She snapped confidently "Something you don't even have to stand up to the Emperor you pussy!"
Instead of feeling any kind of chocking, Jade was very surprised to hear Vader laughing instead, unlike his grandson who was prone to temper tantrums, the Sith Lord kept his composure.
"You have guts girl." He said "I can respect that, but I can see right through you... You only lash out because deep down you know that pitiful Tawny Walkerblack could never cause any type of cultural impact like I have done to the Galaxy!"
"You take that back!" She snarled "Tawny's dead! She could definitely come back from hell and kick your sorry ass!"
"Oh I'm sure." He laughed again, sarcastically this time "She tiny scissors will surely be a match for a lightsaber."
"She's a ghost! Even your force powers can't do shit against the dead!"
His mocking laughter was enough to piss Jade off big time.
"No one insults the Scissoring!" She proclaimed "So fuck you Vader!"
Suddenly Jade jumpers out of the bench and held out her purple lightsaber, ready to fight the Sith Lord.
"I bet you didn't expect me to have one of these babies, huh?!"
"You have much to learn child." Vader said, getting his own red lightsaber ready for battle.
"Keep those comments to yourself!" Jade hissed "You may scare your cowardly stormtroopers but you sure don't scare me!"
"And what of your little girlfriend?" He questioned, having used the force to read her mind "Would she be afraid?"
"You leave Tori out of this you traitorous child killer!" She snarled "I'll be sure to chop off your balls with my lightsaber when I'm done with you!"
Jade took a leap forward, her weapon colliding with his, both the teenage girl and the Sith Lord traded blow after blow, Vader tried to chop off her head but Jade moved at the nick of time, trying to return the favor by trying to make sure her lightsaber would go through his armor. Unfortunately for her, Vader used the force to throw her away.
"Gah!"
In turn she moved her hand, a tree started to shake and it began to fall, Vader seeing this jumped out of the way.
"Bet you weren't expecting that either huh?"
"Impressive... Most impressive." Vader admits "Victoria has taught you well."
"I got the gist of this weapon after seeing her make a dork of herself playing with her own toy lightsaber over and over again you mind stalking bastard!"
"You could have potential in the dark side."
"I could." Jade agreed "But then I would have to kill you and the Emperor now wouldn't I?!"
They resumed their battle.
"I can feel your hate Jade West."
"You don't need to have any special powers to figure that out!" She sneered. "I bet this is why you were only in the latest movie for like sixteen minutes! Because you're all kills but no wits!"
"Yes... Yes succumb to your hatred... Join the dark side." Vader encouraged as they continued to trade blows.
"So that I would become a puppet to the Empire like you?!" She growled "That's never going to happen!"
"I see the force is with you girl but you don't have the patience to be Jedi!"
"I don't want to be a fucking Jedi!" Jade snarled "Like I want to help others!"
"So you decided to cut your existence short!"
They both struggled to get the upper hand, being face to face as they held to their lightsabers for dear life.
Ultimately Jade wasn't powerful enough, she was beginning to tire, which was all Vader needed to finally disarm her.
"Damn it... I need to go to the bathroom!" Jade thought "I knew I shouldn't have had three cups of coffee!"
Her full bladder was her downfall.
The Sith Lord used that to his advantage, he mercilessly chopped off her hand.
"Oh damn it to hell!" Jade bellowed in sheer agony "Ahhh! You asshole!"
she quickly drops to her knees, holding onto her forearm for dear life, horrified at the sight of her blood coming out of it and falling to the grass, Adding insult to a very mortal injury she witnessed as Vade stomped on her dismembered bloody hand, not too far away was her lightsaber, also covered in her own blood.
"This kind pain... I don't like it!"
"You underestimated the power of the dark side." Vader said evenly "Such a foolish thing to do... This proves we aren't so different after all."
"What the fuck are you talking about?!" Jade questioned painfully "You and I are nothing alike!"
"I see your mother never told you about your true father!"
"She told me he was some scumbag that dumped her the moment she told him she was pregnant!"
"Exactly... I... Am.. Your... Father!"
Jade's eyes widened in despair "No... That's not true! It's impossible!"
Vader got a pair of very rusty scissors out of one of his compartments.
"What other proof do you need?"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
Jade gasped, breathing heavily, looking in every direction of her surroundings.
"What? Huh? How?" She thought confused "Where the fuck am I?"
"Glad you're awake." Tori said sarcastically "Really Jade, I know you don't really enjoy these movies, but I do, couldn't you at least try to join in on my likes? I try when you want to watch those scary movies after all even if they make me wazz myself."
The Goth was confused to say the least "Wait... One minute I was fighting Darth Vader... The next I'm in Tori's living room?"
She quietly if apprehensively stared at the TV screen, which showed said Sith Lord looking all demonic and intimidating to the poor souls in the ship who had the misfortune of being in his way just to get the schematics for the Death Star.
Jade then saw as he ruthlessly murdered the shoulders who were not match to him.
"Take these! Take these!" One soldier screamed to another on the other side of malfunctioning door.
"So... I feels asleep?" The Thespian asked incredulously.
"Yeah." Tori confirmed annoyed "For like forty five minutes."
Jade couldn't help but smirk in relief "So it was all nothing more than a dream." She then took the opportunity to sigh in relief "Last time I watch these types of films, they do nothing but rot... The mind?"
To her immense horror, once Jade turned to see her girlfriend's backyard; Jade was greeted with a sight that made the hair on the back of her neck stand up, no unfortunately it wasn't Tori's creepy next door neighbor.
"Although he would be a preferable choice."
Who she saw was Vader himself, staring back at her.
"We'll meet again." He breathes heavily "... My daughter."
Then, he disappeared.
Jade couldn't believe it.
She silently touched her left hand, since in her dream, it was the one Vader had chopped off with his lightsaber, she carefully inspected it.
"It doesn't feel quite right..." Jade thought "It's it a bionic hand?... Did I really battle Darth freaking Vader?!"
The simple prospect that her dream was anything but overwhelmed the Goth enough to the point that she fainted in shock.
Meanwhile The Half-Latina sighs irritated.
"Wonderful... She's playing sleeping beauty, again!" She groaned "No matter how much you tempt me Jade, I am not going to kiss you just so you can get out of seeing Star Wars!"
Jade's lips never looked so enticing.
"Well... One kiss wouldn't hurt."
LOL, Oh Tori, if you only knew Jade wasn't napping.
Truth be told, I actually wrote this crossover to serve as a way to have a light in a time of sorrow, by which I mean to give all Star Wars fans a bit of comedy after hearing the sad, sad news of Carrie Fisher's passing and then her mother's Debbie Reynolds one day later.
Quite a grim way to close the year but nonetheless may they Rest in Peace.
Anyway, the recruitment video Jade was referring to was the one that "Family Guy" showed during their "SW" parody "Something, Something Dark Side."
The idea of Dath Vader having a Tooka named after his late wife's was too humorous in my opinion and to those who don't know what a Tooka is, think it it as the Star War's version of a house cat.
I also couldn't resist the idea of Tori being a "SW" fan, why? Because everyone has a bit of a nerd in them, much to Jade's chagrin.
As always, I will appreciate any constructive criticism.
See you all in 2017, let's hope it's better than 2016.
Invader Johnny Signing Off.