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Never
Part one: Lost and Broken
Ivy
Rachel could be fantastically obtuse at times, I mused as I idly plinked at the keys on my piano. She'd been far too wrapped up in Kisten when they were together to notice the hours I spent sobbing angrily under cold shower water at his betrayal. He knew I loved her. He knew how much I loved her. He knew that his ability to have her body and heart when I got nothing crushed me. Still, he smirked and took her away. I could never hate him. We'd been through far too much together. I could nonetheless slowly begin to feel our close friendship dissolving, a chasm growing between us. Later, when he was dead, she was too obsessed with finding his killer to catch me crying myself to sleep. I'd lost my best friend, I might have killed him, and through it all I knew she couldn't need me the way I needed her. Jenks saw, of course, and there was a sad knowing in his eyes.
Once, he told me that the only reason he'd never approved of my 'hunting' of Rachel was because I didn't have enough control to do it safely. Even if she loved me, he said, I might hurt her. He told me, to placate me I believe, to wait, and eventually she would love me. All I needed to do was work on willpower.
Even that wasn't enough. Clearly my God wanted to punish me. I was painfully hopeful when Rynn got me to separate blood from sex. I'd finally made myself into what she wanted. Or, what she'd told me she wanted. Then, she said the fatal word, the one that ripped my heart to shreds at long last, like Skimmer had always promised she would.
Never.
I was lost and broken. It reminded me of the time after Piscary had blood-raped me, when I thought I was dead. I laughed bitterly at that. I'd been so scared, so awfully scared, and all I wanted in the world was for her to tell me that everything was okay, that I wasn't a monster (yet), that she'd always love me, even just as a friend. What I got was a towel and hot cocoa. A god-damned towel and some hot cocoa.
I sighed and shook my head. These thoughts would do me no good. Instead, I returned to my beautiful baby grand and set myself to the task of filling the church with music. Rachel was out, and I decided I didn't care if all the pixies in the world heard me.
I picked out the perfect song in my mind and allowed the chords and words to take over me.
I sung.
"I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart, unseen.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me."
At some point during the first verse, I closed my eyes and began to cry. This song hit close to home.
"I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.
"Yeah...
Yeah..."
My voice cracked. The rest must've sounded awful, but I was too tired and miserable to care much.
"Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...
"I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep,
I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.
"I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me, yeah...
"Yeah...
Yeah...
Yeah...
Yeah..."
At the end, I stood and shut the piano loudly, angry and frustrated for no reason at all. I began to rush to my room, prepared to spend a wonderful hour or two sobbing.
I was interrupted. Redwood, freshly cut grass after a spring shower, and Rachel's unique aroma filled my nose. I breathed in deeply, and a single tear escaped my eye. She was in the church. I tensed. I could smell her guilt. I wasn't one to curse very often, but I was tempted. She'd definitely just heard something very personal. I'd been too caught up in the music to notice her entrance.
"Ivy?" she called out tentatively. I saw her in the doorway, looking uncomfortable. She was beautiful, and it made me want to tear my own eyes out. I was undeserving, and she didn't want me to look at her that way. She shifted under my (admittedly teary) gaze.
"Yes?" I croaked, and mentally slapped myself. I couldn't let her see me like this. I cleared my throat and surreptitiously dried my eyes. She still caught me. Her brows furrowed slightly in concern, and it hurt more than any insult. She loved me, but not in the way I wanted her to.
"What's wrong?" she asked, and cautiously stepped closer. I held her gaze. It was a dumb question. I was annoyed, but misery won out.
"You should know," I muttered. She should. I'd never kept my absolute adoration of her a secret. She didn't respond, but looked away. She knew. Even if she thought I was only after her with my vampire side, she knew. I scoffed. She shouldn't ask questions she knew the answers to.
I continued to my room. The sad comfort of darkness greeted me and I smiled weakly through my watery eyes. My silken sheets enveloped me lovingly, and I shook with silent tears. If only I could pretend it was her and not cloth clinging to me.
Quietly sobbing for an hour or two sounded great right now.