Setting on the beach watching the waves come in, there is a woman deep in thought. She seems oblivious to her surroundings, a thousand miles away in thought.
There is a deep regret in her demeanor as she is replaying her latest actions. Haunted by her simple act of weakness. Wanting things to return to the way they were 2 months ago. Back before the change.
Longing for a certain someone to whisper in her ear, the words that she pushed away so many times.
Long lost words whisper slowly to me
Still can't find what keeps me here
After the argument that she had earlier, she wondered why she puts herself through all of this pain. Why stay when it is her custom to run well before this point. How many times had she thought that she had feelings for a man, only to find out it was just lust on their part!
Even when she was a teenager, the boys would always want to be around her. All she wanted to do was be one of the boys. She could play cricket, basketball, hiking or even surfing with the best of them.
She recalls the first boy that she had a crush on. He was tall, about 5 ft 11 inches tall with dark hair and brown eyes. They had meet in high school and he seemed to be a good person. Playing sports and hiking together with their group of friends for months, she thought that he saw her as an equal.
After they started dating, he was a gentleman at first. The longer they dated, the more personal they became. She had decided that he was to be her first time and thought that she was his. After all, that is what he lead her to believe.
It was on the night of their Junior Prom, when she whispered into his ear her intentions. Everything seem to go well and they had a great time at the Prom.
Around 11pm, they split off from the rest of the group and headed to the beach. They found a secluded spot and started slowly. He laid down a blanket and gently kissed her on the cheek.
Holding her closely, he again kissed her cheek and slowly moved his way to her ear. He would alternate between nibbling on her ear, to gentle kissing her neck just below or slightly behind the ear. This went on for several minutes and was causing her pulse to race.
She slowly placed her hands behind his shoulders, not really knowing what to do next, as she was not experienced at this. She slightly turned her head so that she could kiss his lips.
They delicately kissed until it became more passionate. Within a short time, they were fully engulfed in the moment. She slowly started to lower herself to the blanket and he followed her down.
He was holding himself slightly off of her as he caressed her breasts, then moved slowly down her side to her thigh.
Mere minutes later, he had her panties off and was attempting to enter her. She had expected him to be as gentle as he had been, with her throughout their time together. She was not ready for the savage onslaught that occurred next.
He had not taken her needs into consideration and it hurt her both physically and mentally. As he finished, he just rolled over and laid there. This was not how she had expected it to be on her first time.
She had thought that with the romantic setting of the beach, moonlight and ocean waves, it should have been perfect. This left her a bit nervous about the entire act. Had she done something wrong, but then again this was both of their first time, so it will get better?
The next day, the rest of the group was a bit distant when she joined in. The other boys just looked at her and smiled. Surely he had not told them about their night? He was a gentleman after all and should know to keep it to themselves.
Within days, her perfect gentleman had let everyone know about their night. Not only that, she learned that he had rated her performance against other women that he had been with!
How could he have lied to her so completely? He had taken her gift and thrown it back into her face! It had humiliated her and before she even had a chance to recover, he had broken up with her.
This was the beginning of her bottling up her emotions. She would never let another man make her feel used again! From that day forward it was her, that would be doing the abusing to men.
Suddenly she realized that it was this one event that had so changed her life forever. It was what made her a great agent and kept her from any real relationship ever since.
She had used this hollow feeling to suppress her emotions and keep a real gentleman at bay. It was hard for her to let go of the hollowness in her heart. How could she, after all it had taken years to get to this point and he wanted to solve it within just a few months. Okay, so it had been several months, still.
Was it time to start letting the healing process close this hole? A better question is had it already happened and she was just not willing to accept it?
She had pushed him away so many times, but yet he had always come back. He was constantly punishing himself, trying to get her to open up. To feel as a person and as a woman, not just as an agent with no show of real emotion!
He had been constant, that was until he had seen me with HIM. Why did he have to be there when she had a weak moment! Dam him for his wanting her in the first place. She never wanted it and she never went looking for it, but there it was. Someone gentle, kind, funny and always there for her if she wanted it.
That was again, until he had seen her kissing his nemesis! He was her old boyfriend, what did he expect? She still had feelings for him and he was a means to an end. There were no strings attached with Bryce. He was just like her, hollow and lonely and an agent.
Dam him for making her feel this way, there is now a dull thumping, where it was hollow before. Now want is she going to do? How can she stop this strange feeling that she has for a less than perfect man.
The big question now is, if he even cares for her anymore. I mean why should he, after catching her kissing someone that practically ruined his life? Does she really even want to find out, there can be no good to come from it. Hum, no good to come of it, what a stupid statement.
If having someone that really loves you and shows it everyday is no good, then what good is anything that she does! The feeling that she has when they are together is no good also? Man, I cannot believe how stupid I can be at times, she thinks.
A smile slowly shows on her face, as she seems to be done thinking. If anyone was watching, they would know that she has come to terms with whatever daemons have been bothering her thoughts.
She gets up and starts heading for her car. She will observer him and see if he still cares for her. She will not pursue any change until, she is sure that he still cares!
When all this time I've been so hollow inside
I know you're still there
That morning, they are gathered in Casey's apartment, listening to Beckman discuss their next assignment. She used her peripheral vision to look at Chuck. She could see that he still would sneak looks at her.
He was still interested in her, but how was she going to get him to try for her again? He had tried so many times and usually that did not deter him, but this time it was Bryce involved.
Chuck had not wanted to be around her since that night. He had been pleasant, but short when talking to her. He did not waste any time anymore, when they were done with their brief.
There was clearly a wall between them now and even Casey noticed it. He had already commented on it once, but seemed fine with it. Actually, Casey seems to be happy it was there for the first few weeks.
Now, I believe he realizes that there is not the camaraderie that the team had before. Chuck did not joke around and was strictly business for the last few months. Neither of us had let Casey know about her being with Bryce, as he was supposed to be in deep cover. She could tell that Chuck had not wanted to get her into trouble, but it had definitely causing trouble between them.
At first, she was happy that he was no longer pushing her about her feelings for him. Then she started to feel a bit sad, now she knew why. There was always their connection that had made her feel special. Not in the super spy way, but the way a woman always wants to be thought of by a man.
I watch Chuck tense, as the meeting comes to end. He has not looked me in the eyes ever since that night. Again today he is being his normal pleasant self, but will not look at me. I watch him nod and walk towards the door.
Casey gives me a look and indicates that he needs me to wait for him to leave. Chuck says his goodbye and closes the door behind him. I turn to Casey and wait for him to speak first.
"What is up with you two? He has been like this for weeks and it is starting to get on my nerves? I know something happened and I have tried to stay out of it. Believe me, I was happy that you two stopped acting like children,concerning his feelings for you. Now it is just not healthy! Sooner or later it is going to effect a mission more than if you two were together", Casey remarked.
Sarah had braced herself for the question of what happened, but not for that last remark. Her jaw dropped when Casey had mentioned, that it would be better if they were together. He was a hardass and she was truly shocked by him for once. Now she would have to change how she was going to answer his questions.
"Chuck had come by my place a few weeks back and saw me kissing another man", she let out. "The problem is that the other man was Bryce."
Casey is now the one in shock and gives her a number 10 grunt. He is clearly displeased with her answer and is thinking of a response. There has never been any love lose between the NSA and the CIA, but Casey really has an issue with Bryce. After all, he has already shot and killed him once and I don't think it would bother him at all to do it again.
Sarah is still trying to figure out why she still had feelings for Bryce, but did Chuck really expect for her to just stop them? Really, he should know that people don't just stop caring for someone, even if they are not really in love.
You don't have to be in love with someone to want to have sex. To be really honest, the good looking men usually aren't as good in bed as your average Joe, she thinks to herself. The better looking they are, the less they work to please their partners. They just have more practice at it.
She knows that Chuck would work very hard to try and please her or any woman he is with. When he commits to something, he gives it his all. That is what scares her a bit, as she thinks about it. Would she be willing to do the same for him, not likely. Still she wonders how it would be.
Casey grunts bringing her back to reality. He is burning holes through her head with his stare. Finally he comments,"Do you like getting hurt or being a one night stand for men? Seriously, at what point in your life are you going to get a clue and make a decision that will better your life! Even though we decided to put a greater responsibility before ourselves, does not mean we have to crash and burn the rest of our life! I never took you for an idiot before Walker, but I may have to reevaluate that soon."
He walks away from her, as she is trying to digest what he had just said. She was not sure, but she thinks he was telling her to get her head out of her butt and do something to better her life. That something was in the form of a possible relationship with Chuck!
Watching me, wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Chuck has just left the meeting with Sarah and Casey, when he feels like they are watching him for some reason. He feels self-conscious enough, since seeing Sarah with Bryce. She had picked the one person in the whole world, that would stop his advances!
It was not bad enough that she knew what he had done to his life, but he had actually thought that she had picked him over Bryce! This is now the second time, that he has caught her with him.
How could he be so stupid! To think a beautiful woman would want him, over a superspy like Bryce. Not only had Bryce taken Jill from him, he had shown him that he was not in Bryce's league with women.
There was no since of trying any longer, it would only put him back into his 5 year rut again. At least he could be around her during the missions.
Lately, that was not must better and he was just waiting till they put him away somewhere. He would not go though and he knew it, but they didn't. He would run and they would have to kill him or he would take the capsule that he had hidden on him at all times.
Still, there was something about Sarah today that was bothering him. It was almost as if she were watching him, stalking him for some reason. Was it that he was going to be leaving soon, by force?
No, it had to be something else. He just hoped that she would not be asking him to help her relationship with Bryce. If she did, that would be it, no matter what!
Whatever it was, there was nothing he could due but wait on her. He would not make the same mistake of going to her again. She had made it clear that she was not interested, especially since she had been with Bryce. She could of at least not be so obvious about it.
After all this time, she still had him hooked! She was pulling him down into the same darkness, that Jill had done 5 years ago. Chuck goes to his room and hits the stereo. A song finally comes on after the commercial and he feels the music start. It is as if he is melting into the lyrics and the drain of the beat on his soul.
Feeling every word, he starts singing alone, not realizing that Casey and Sarah can her him. But then again, does he really care at this point? He just puts on the CD when it is over and hits repeat on the same song. Just like the song's title he feels "Haunted" by his life.
Fearing you, loving you
I won't let you pull me down
Casey had just finished his speech to Sarah, when he went over and hit the volume to listen to Chuck in his room. He had not wanted to use the headphones, so he just hit speakers.
Voices came over the speakers and Casey stopped to listen closely, until he realized it was a commercial over the radio. He then just set down in his chair and laid back stretching out for a long day.
Seems Bartowski was doing this more and more each day. It started out just a few hours alone in his room, now it was almost all the time he was alone in his room. He always listened to music now, not even playing COD4 any more.
"Great, here we go again. I almost wish him and numbnuts were talking about sandwiches. At least he was social with someone then.", Casey said to himself.
Sarah heard him and did not say anything. She was trying to listen to the music, that Chuck was playing. Maybe she could get a feel for his mood, see how bad she had screwed things up again. She was always screwing relationships up, nothing new there.
It always amazed her. How people thought that just because she was good looking, that she would be good at relationships. They never took into account, that being good looking could be a curse.
Either people just wanted to screw you or they were afraid to ask you out. She had gotten fed up with the latter early in her life and became the aggressor when wanting to go out with a man. Most men were not able to handle it, but so what. She was there for one thing only, to use them just like they would to her.
The problem is, Chuck was not the norm in any sense of the word. He was honest, funny and never tried to take advantage of anyone.
He was tolerant with people and really wanted to help when possible, Chuck was also fiercely loyal to whoever he was with, either as a friend or as a girlfriend.
When she heard the song, she did not listen to it at first. Then Chuck started to sing the words and she felt that they meant something deep for him.
The words did mean something to both him and her. She knew that he was hurting in silence and she was again the cause of his pain. This hurt her worse than any physical pain she had endured.
She did not know how it would end, but she was going to give it a shot. Sarah did not know if she loved him or not, but she did know that she wanted to be with him. Maybe this is how love gets started, she could only try and see.
Now that it was settled in her mind, how was she going to convey it to Chuck. He had stop making any type of physical contact with her since that day!
The worse part is, that they had still had sex with Bryce. But she was thinking of Chuck instead of Bryce during the whole thing. Now she may never know what it would be like with Chuck.
She was not going to stop trying though. Sarah Walker did not give up easily, she said to herself. Now was as good a time as any. The next assignment was not to take place till next week.
She was going to need to get Chuck to go with her somewhere, but where? Then it hit her, she just turned and walked out the door with Casey raising his eyebrows at her.
Sarah walked next door and knocked on it. It took Chuck about 10 minutes before he finally came to open it. He was shocked when he saw Sarah standing there.
After quickly removing the shocked expression on his face, Chuck said,"I'm sorry, did I miss something during the meeting? I though the assignment was not to start till next week?"
"No, you are correct. I just wanted to see if you were free to go to the beach today", she replied?
"I don't know Sarah, I was just going to relax today. You know how it is, I need to rest the brain for the job. Maybe next time."
She had been expecting him to decline, so she grabbed his hand before he could close the door this time. Recently, he had been excusing himself from her for a few weeks now.
He tensed up as she grabbed his hand. He was not sure what to do now. She had never forced the issue since that night.
"I know your still mad at me Chuck, but I would really appreciate it if you would come with me", she said in a very sincere voice. "I just wanted your company today, if you don't mind?"
"I am not good company Sarah, you should ask someone else", Chuck said, knowing that she would get the hint. That usually ended the conversation between them, but when he went to move she did not let go.
"I really want you to come with me today, Please. I wont take no for an answer today!"
Seeing that Sarah was serious, he could not turn her down. As much as he wanted to, he still loved her very much. He decided that he was meant to be cursed for life.
He grabbed his keys and started out the door. She did not let go of his hand and he had to lock it with one hand.
Chuck was a bit confused, why she was hold on to him so much. Did she think he would run away, like she could not catch and beat the crap out of him if she wanted.
Chuck laughs and Sarah gives him a sideways glance. He decides to ignore her glance, what could he say anyway.
She drove them to the Santa Montica Pier and they get out. She takes his hand again and they walk down the beach. They take in the sites and both start to relax.
They are making small talk and Chuck is starting to be his old self. She is listening to him and he doesn't even notice, he is slipping back to being comfortable around her.
She walks into a surf shop and buys herself a bikini and him some surf shorts, a few blankets and a pop up sunshade tent. Chuck looks at her as she gets the tent, but he goes along with it.
They change and head back out. Putting their other cloths into her car and head back to the water.
After bodysurfing for a few hours and having a good time, they go back to the blankets and lay down to sun and dry off.
Chuck is still wondering why she got the sunshade tent, if they are not going to put it up and use it.
Hunting you, I can smell you - alive
Chuck and Sarah are laying on the blankets, feeling lazy, they settle down for some sun tanning. So far things have been going good and he is actually a bit tired from the bodysurfing. He closes his eyes and falls asleep.
Sarah looks over and sees Chuck sleeping. She lays on her side to watch him, as his chest rises up and down.
She studies his face and the tranquil way he looks as he is sleeping. She looks at his lips and wants to gently kiss them, but she is not ready till he is awake.
Feeling a bit scared of what his reaction will be, she edges closer to him. Still not awake, she gently places her head on his chest. She can hear the thump thump rhythm of his heart, like a distant beacon calling to her.
Your heart pounding in my head
It has been a while, since she put her head on his chest. She had fallen asleep, which was unusual for her.
She has always been a light sleeper, but being with Chuck, she feels safe. He tries to be her protector, which brings a smile to her face.
With his heart still pounding into her head, she decides that it is the right time to take a chance. After all of these years, will it even make a difference? She doesn't know but if she doesn't at least try, it will haunt her for the rest of her life!
Carefully raising off of Chuck's chest, she starts putting up the Sun tent. It is strange thing to do, since it is dark.
Most people have left the beach and they are at a semi-secluded spot. She has set it up in a way that no one can see them, unless they walk right up to them.
Unknown to both of them, Casey has been watching over them. He feels like a perv, but tonight they will have peace or someone will be shot for sure.
Watching me, wanting me
Chuck wakes up and notices that it is dark. He looks over and Sarah had set up a bit of food that she had gotten, while he was asleep. He was a bit surprised, but was not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.
After all, he was having a great time with Sarah and no fights about their under the cover relationship. He had given up on that one and for once there was no guilt being with her.
He noticed that she was watching him closely and was a bit confused. What was it that he was doing to cause her to watch him. Did he have some food in his teeth? Was his hair all weirded out or something.
She had this strange look, that he just could not place. It was something that he had not see on her before. He though he knew all of her looks, but he guess he missed this one.
It kind of made him feel a bit self-conscious and a bit aroused as well. He put that thought out of his mind, as he did not want to spoil the mood.
Chuck had brought his Ipod and Sarah put on some music. He was really starting to get very confused now, as he was getting mixed signals again.
"Sarah, I really appreciate the time you have taken out of your day for me, but please stop confusing me. I really don't think that I can deal with this after...".
Taking her hand, she places it on his cheek. She lifts it up so that he is looking at her in the eyes. She holds his glaze for a few minutes, before she finally smiles.
Chuck kind of has a dumbfounded look on his face at this point. What is it that she wants from me, he is thinking. Why can't she just be straight up for once!
It is as if she were reading his mind, she knew that it was now or never for them. There she is with someone that she feels loves her.
Sarah wants this to be special, for her as much as for him. She hopes that this time, it will be the way it should have been the first time.
Slowly pulling his face to her lips, she gives him a tantalizing kiss. Not long or desperate, but soft and gentle like the touch of an angle. She pulls away just a few inches and looks into his eyes.
Complete total love and the need to please her is in his eyes. His breathing is so shallow, that she can barely detect it. Chuck seems almost afraid to breath to keep from missing any part of her. She can see he is there just for her, no matter if it will hurt him later.
"Chuck, do you trust me?"
"With all my heart Sarah. I have since the first time you ever asked me and I will till I am put in my grave."
"Then believe me when I say that I do care for you. Do I love you? I don't really know. I think I do, but I have been wrong before. But I feel that if I don't find out, I will regret it for the rest of my life! I just don't know how long that life will be", Sarah honestly stated. "I don't know how long this will last. It may be one day or it may be a lifetime. We will have to take it one step at a time. Are you willing to do that Chuck?"
"I would walk to the ends of the earth for you Sarah. If it doesn't work out, then at least we tried. I can live with that."
I can feel you pull me down
Saving me, raping me, watching me
Sarah places her hand softly behind Chucks neck and pulls him to her lips again. This time it is a bit firm, but they take their time exploring each others lips.
Chuck moves to her cheek, then to her ear kissing her as he goes. She can fill his breath on the back of her neck, while he gently touches her stomach. His hands move slowly up her side and back down to her hips.
Feeling that he is afraid to make a move on her, she reached down and puts her hand on top of his. She kisses the side of his face and guides his hands back up her body.
She continues to move his hand till it is caressing her breasts. She gives him slight hints as to how she likes a man to caress her, before removing her hands and placing them under his shoulders.
As if in a dream, Chuck follows Sarah's lead. He is willing to do whatever it takes to please her. There is no pride in him, that would take away from this moment.
She can tell that he is paying attention to her hints, as most men have no idea how to actually please a woman. She knows that he is not there just for himself and they are going to be there for each other.
She starts to lean back onto the blanket and pulls Chuck down to her. Using her hands, she starts removing his shirt. She pulls her body back enough to get a view of his body, as his shirt comes up and over his head.
She starts to remove her shirt, but Chuck puts his hands on hers. He kisses her and as his hands are on hers, he slowly, carefully pulls her's off as well. His breath catches in his throat and can hardly move.
Her body is as smooth and soft as silk. Her breasts are perfect for her body, which look like they were sculptured by Michelangelo himself. Chuck was almost afraid to move, as it must be a dream.
Sarah smiles and pulls him down on top of her. She begins to explore his body and he returns to her body as well.
They take their time with each other, neither one wanting to hush the experience. It is an intimate moment for Sarah, as well as Chuck.
She is thinking that this is what it should have been like, the first time she made love! Actually, this IS the first time, she has really felt like she is going to make love to a man. The rest of her partners were just for sex, but this was well beyond her other experiences.
She realizes that this was the right thing to do. That if she had not taken the chance, she would have lost out on one of the greatest experiences of her life.
Watching me, wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Chuck and Sarah have been exploring each other for some time now and she feels that it is the right time.
She pushes Chuck to his back and he complies. Before his back had hardly hit the blanket, she kisses his chest, then his stomach and reaches down and pulls off his remaining clothing.
She can see the concern in his eyes, that he is not sure if this is what she really wants. He doesn't what to do anything that she doesn't want done to her.
He would stop right now if she wanted, but she did not want to stop. She removes her clothing as well and places her hands on his chest.
Without reservation, she is giving herself to him completely and he is doing the same for her. She leans down and kisses his lips, as she is naked on top of him. "I want this just as much as you do Chuck", she whispers into his ear.
You can see the relief come over his face and they melt together at this point. They make love switching as she give him hints, till neither of them can breath. Having satisfying each other several times during their love making, both laid there smiling, breathing heavily.
Chuck could not help but put his arms around Sarah, even as tired as he was. He was afraid to let go, incase this was a dream. If it was, he did not want it to end. Like all dreams, they must end at some point.
Fearing you... loving you
I won't let you pull me down
Realizing that it was late and that someone could come by at any time, the two lovers regretfully put their cloths back on. Neither wanted to remove themselves from the other. It was a new beginning for them.
Sarah felt like a lead weight had lifted from her chest. It was as if the failure at her first attempt at love had been erased. No matter what happened in the future, she had one real and fantastic night of true love.
She was not sure what the future held, but at least for tonight, all was right in the world. She put her arm around Chuck and kissed him again to punctuate that point.
They gathered their stuff up and began heading back to the car. Both were sad that it had to end, but there was the promise of tomorrow.
"Chuck, I just want you to know that I would not have made love to you, if I did not care about you. You are the one person in all of my life, that I feel I could not be with unless it was the truth!"
"You know that I love you Sarah! I will try to not keep pushing myself on you. I just want to be with you as long as it lasts. Hopefully it will be for a very long time, but if not, I will never regret loving you!"
As they walk back arm in arm, Chuck is afraid that tomorrow will bring back the denial of her love.
He thinks, ' How can I love someone so completely, but Fear losing her every minute of every day?' He dares not say it out loud for fear of making it true.
"Chuck, no matter what happens to our relationship, promise me that it will not get you down! You deserve happiness and if not with me, then it will come along later. I just don't know what the agencies will do, once they find out. Just remember that no matter what they do, we had one special night!"
"Sarah, it was special and it can never be taken away! Not by anyone", Chuck seals the words with his last thought.
Chuck thinks,' Not even you can take this day away from me Sarah. I will not let even you, pull me down!"
They get in the car and drive away. Sarah is taking Chuck back to his apartment and who knows, the night is still young!
Stepping out of the darkness, there is Casey all in black. He has a strange look on his face. It is a rare site, but a smile can clearly be seen on his face.
He is actually happy that the two of them had finally worked it out. Special people deserve a break and he knows that Sarah and Chuck are special.
Their story are what writers like William Shakespeare, Plato or Jane Austen would write an epic romance about.
He feels that the team will work better now, but for how long doesn't matter. They are back and better than ever, Casey feels.