Saturn

ReunitedLight

Atton/Exile short story

It's Dantooine. Always Dantooine.

They were here for five nights now and Meetra knew they might have to leave soon, but the stars were bright in the sky, and everyone had just finished their evening meals.

Dantooine was so… different from what it used to be. Meetra could not believe that the strong, passionate Alek- no- Malak, was the one who bombarded and destroyed the planet.

The long, dull grass stretched on forever.

Meetra was alone here. The rest of the crew had stayed in the Ebon Hawk, getting ready for another long night. But for some reason… Meetra felt like she didn't belong with them. Didn't belong with Bao-Dur and Visas, always leading dueling sessions. Didn't belong with Mira and Mandalore, who shared war stories over a nice cup of juma.

Didn't belong with Atton.

So that's why she was out here. Out with nothing but a few hovering fireflies, and the foggy haze the light from the stars left on the grass. Meetra scuffed the ground with her foot, smoothed out the grass, and sat down, heart aching as she thought about how much the others fit together and how much she didn't.

Oh yeah, she trained them all to become Consulars, Guardians, and Sentinels. But she had been a wound in the Force ever since her life ended on Malachor. There was so much ahead of her, but so much was behind her as well. The Exile. Such a fitting title.

Sometimes Meetra just hid the guilt she felt over those deaths at Malachor, at Dxun, behind a bloodstained shield, behind a wall she kept locked herself, and then turned away, so she couldn't see the minds of all those Jedi silenced.

She pulled a ration bar out of her bag, peeled the wrapping off and bit into it. She was alone in the middle of the field, the few Kath Hounds that had survived the destruction were visible but far away. Meetra lay in the grass and glanced around at the hills around her just to make sure no one was about to join her as she ate...

Until she saw the silhouette of a person sitting atop one of the hills nearby. The person was so far away that Meetra couldn't pick out the details. She stuffed the ration bar back into her bag, and stood up, the wind weaving through and around the grass and brushing against her legs. The figure sat next to a medium-sized rock that cast a shadow over their face, and Meetra wondered why someone, tonight of all nights, would come out to the middle of nowhere and sit alone like she had.

Maybe the person was someone somewhat alone, just like her. Maybe Meetra would plop down next to them, offer them a packaged drink, and they'd get to know each other. She gave a half-smile to herself at the thought. The stars were surely bright tonight, and the sky was clear enough so she could see a few ringed planets in the vastness of space.

As she trudged up the hill, she began to understand why someone would want to spend a night here. The grass, while still a dying orange shade, was softer and slightly shorter. And the view was breathtaking. Miles and miles of the ravaged Dantooine plains were visible from up here, and the stars and planets in the sky were very easy to see. It was the perfect place for someone interested in astronomy.

Meetra had to admit, this place almost had the power to make her forget about everything that went wrong in her life.

Finally, Meetra looked down at the rock, and the person sitting next to it, and the shock that hit her next was like a breath of chilled air.

Short, scruffy brown hair, pale skin. A worn ribbed jacket. His head turned around and his hazel eyes widened.

"Atton?"

He gave her a tired smirk, and it half lit up his eyes. "Hey, sweets. What brings someone like you up here?"

Meetra raised an eyebrow at the pet name- it was one of many. "I'll have to ask the same as you. I assumed you were with everyone else aboard the Hawk."

He tore some grass up from the ground. "Well," he said, eyes downcast, "I just wanted some quality Atton time. Everyone needs a bit of that, y'know."

The words were out of Meetra's mouth before she could think about them. "Yeah, I know. Need any company?"

He blinked up at her, surprised. "Awe, I'm so flattered you asked!"

She gave him a light punch in the shoulder and felt the thick muscle under his jacket. Meetra pulled her hand away quickly, wanting to slap herself. What is wrong with you? You shouldn't be doing things like this!

Why is it that both of us just happened to end up here?

Atton rubbed his shoulder gingerly and flashed an uncertain look at her.

Meetra flopped down into the grass, and it poked beneath and around her head as she lay there. Staring up at one of the planets in the night sky, she murmured, "It's so easy to forget in a place like this."

Atton, still sitting against the rock, glanced down at her. He pursed his lips. "I guess."

"You can almost see the entire galaxy from here. Look at it all, Atton, the stars, the planets…" she pointed at a faint, wide spot in the sky. "Bet you a thousand credits this planet's ringed. Anyway… I was going to meditate. The Force here is beautiful."

Atton didn't follow her gaze to the ringed planet. Instead, he glanced at a large crater left by one of Malak's bombardments. "I should have expected that you'd try to turn this into another Jedi lesson."

"I wasn't trying-"

"Admit it, sweets. You were trying."

Meetra gave Atton a mock glare. "Okay, you win. And I am not a Jedi."

They both sat there in silence for a little while. Meetra reached into the vastness of space, tried to feel the living Force that lay in the stars and the life that was light-years away on the visible planets. But her eyes… they kept drifting to stare at Atton, to note the set of his jaw, the bulge of his muscles under his jacket, and his hard yet thoughtful gaze. She tried to not notice how close he was to her, sitting there against the rock, legs brushing hers as she lay down. She caught his distinct scent, the faint smell of engine oil and caff and warmth.

It was distracting her. Meetra clenched her fists, felt her nails dig into the skin of her palms. The Jedi Council (or what was left of it) would belittle her for what she was feeling, as if she hadn't failed them enough already.

All those planets out there. She wondered how many Atton had traveled to during his time in the war, how many planets where he'd gone undercover to kill, or worse, capture Jedi. Meetra played with the thought in her head. "Murderer," Kreia said sometimes, but for some reason the thought of Atton's past didn't disgust Meetra. It just… in some way, it made her understand him a bit more.

Then her mind recoiled, as Meetra realized she was broadcasting her thoughts to the world like an untrained Padawan. She sat up, and even as Atton sat there against the rock, still deep within his own thoughts, he turned to her. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry. Just ignore whatever thoughts you might have read."

Atton frowned, confused. "I wouldn't probe your mind like that. You know me, I'm the one playing the pazaak."

He was right. She did know him, enough to realize that he detested it when others mind-probed him. He'd been shaken after being imprisoned with Kreia in the Telos Academy, and she could still picture the grim expression he'd given her when she asked him why he played pazaak in his head. It only made sense that now, with his newly-discovered ability to do the same, that he didn't want to.

And then it occurred to her how much she didn't know about Atton. All this time they'd been traveling together, and still Meetra never knew what went on behind Atton's walls of pazaak when he sat there, stone-faced, smoking a cigarra in the cockpit. Now he was leaned against the rock on the hill, wearing the same expression. The rest of the crew, no matter how mysterious they seemed at the start, grew to trust Meetra and open up to her. Especially Disciple, who'd only just joined the crew and was already an open book, nothing to hide.

Now Meetra knew a little more. Now she had Atton's past to fiddle with in her mind and grow desperate for more knowledge. But whatever… whatever she felt for Atton, it had nothing to do with this.

She played with words, sentences in her head and finally settled with "I don't know you that well. I'd like to learn a little more."

That earned her eye contact, a raised eyebrow and a half-smirk. "Was that a come-on, sweetheart?"

Meetra leaned back and kicked him. "No, you walking hormone!" She felt heat wash over her face. "I meant as a friend."

A small chuckle escaped Atton's lips. He shrugged. "If that's what you want. Begin your second interrogation, Mee. But I don't promise to answer."

Meetra nodded at him and looked around, trying to find something to stare at while Atton talked. She dug her hand into her bag and sifted through its contents, and handed a can of ruby bliel to Atton. "It's not the nice cup of juma we all need, but it'll do."

"Thanks." Atton grabbed it and their fingers touched for a brief second, but it was enough to set Meetra's hand on fire and she pulled away quickly, face heating up. It was clear her… unwanted, unexpected desire for the man had only grown during their travels.

It was especially infuriating because Meetra had seen many well-toned men in her time as a Jedi and felt nothing, especially the people who were her friends when she was young. She'd grown up with them. She remembered Alek (best not to think about what he would become), who enjoyed wearing thin, tight shirts that showed off his muscles. He was a Jedi, but he was funny and passionate and enjoyed the wanting looks women gave him as they toured various planets. Revan, on the other hand, was always swathed in thick robes. Meetra bit her lip to prevent a fleeting smile as she recalled a time where Revan was mistaken for a woman, and she'd seen his face redden considerably under his hood, too! But all that time and Meetra never gave dating them a second thought.

So why did Atton, a Sith turned scoundrel turned Jedi, get under her skin in this way? Why did he, well, why did he make her heart soar where others did nothing?

Meetra shrugged off the thoughts for now as Atton downed the can of ruby bliel. "Well, er," she began, praising herself for her obvious confidence. "Um. Atton, you're very good at evading my constant questioning. How do you know this spot up on the hill? Why do you come here when you could be downing a cup of juma and winning a few pazaak credits back on the ship?"

Atton frowned, and while he made eye contact with her his eyes were clouded and distant. "I just wanted some time to myself."

"Don't give me that shavit, Rand. Why?" Meetra edged a bit closer to him. "If it makes you feel any better, think of me as your own ex-Jedi therapist."

They sat there for a while and Meetra was beginning to think that Atton would either reply with another joke or shut down completely and leave. But finally, suddenly, Atton sighed deeply and placed a hand on her shoulder, not seductively or anything like that but as a way to support himself.

He was holding onto her shoulder, a bit desperately, Meetra thought. And the touch sent tingles down her spine that she tried very hard to ignore. Atton's eyes flicked up to the sky and she followed his gaze. It was that ringed planet.

"I sneaked out of the Hawk today to think about myself," he confessed in a low voice. "Like I said that day on Nar Shaddaa, I haven't known who I am for years. And we've gotten so far since then- I'm a half-Jedi now- and… and… I couldn't have done it without your guidance, okay? I admit it. I guess I've lived in a state of nothing for so long. You're helping me find myself. I knew who Jaq was, but now I'm starting to get to know Atton, if you get my drift."

Meetra inched ever closer to him. Their eyes locked and his pupils dilated, and their legs brushed together lightly. Atton turned his head slightly so she saw the outline of his profile, but he was still staring straight at her.

"And I know I said I was doing this, traveling with you, solely for the past. But now I guess it's for the future, too. It's all gone uphill since I met you on Peragus. I have spent all this time trying to drown my sorrows and just… forget. About all the Jedi I captured. Killed. Among other things."

Meetra's wound from Malachor had never healed, and she knew it never would. With Atton here, expressing his guilt over the deaths of the Jedi, knowing he locked it away just like her, she finally realized how much she had in common with him. Where all her companions had learned to find comfort in each other, it warmed her heart slightly that now she could do the same. "I feel like I empathize with you more than anyone else," she told him, and it was true. "You have your bloodstained shield and your prison cells, as I do. And where it's you on one end and Jaq on the other, it's me and what I've done. We can learn to deal with it all, together."

Atton looked flustered and she saw him as he wondered how she knew so much about him when she'd never seen past the pazaak. He ran through her words over and over again, trying to find a fact that was wrong, but couldn't. It seemed she was right on. He took a deep breath, looking like he was preparing himself for something. Finally, he spoke. "...I've been in denial for a long time, but I'll admit it- I need you."

Atton's lip was curled slightly and Meetra knew it took a great deal of effort for him to tell her this. Those words snapped something inside her and she knew she was strengthening her bond, and her emotional attachment to him. But this time she was okay with it. Jedi Council be damned. It was always hard to take Master Vrook seriously, anyway, she mused. She put one arm around him and sighed contentedly. "I need you too. You've helped me in so many ways, Atton, and I'm eternally grateful for that."

He nodded and gave her a painfully grateful smile. "That means a lot," he told her, voice cracking. Then his voice changed- it went back to being warm and, well, more Atton-like. "Hey- that ringed planet you keep staring at. Is that some Jedi omen or summat? 'Cause she's calling to me for some reason. Makes me uncomfortable."

Meetra stifled a chuckle at the disbelief in his tone. "Perhaps. Or maybe she's just watching us get all emotional," she joked. "Her rings are very pretty, you know. She's probably dealt with her fair share of men. All those asteroids that build up around her, the ones that make the rings. It's self-discovery, Atton. She gets prettier the more she learns about herself."

"Well, if that's true, is my ugly mug handsome enough for you now?" teased Atton. "What about you? You've always been beautiful to me, sweets." Meetra could tell Atton meant it and was mildly flattered, but then she noticed that Atton's eyes had moved considerably downward. Now, they were roving over her-

"Hey!" Meetra moved her arm back and hugged her chest, the conversation's sudden seriousness dropping on her like a dead weight. "Just… just friends, okay? For now? 'I need you' does not mean 'I want you' in any way." It's true, she told herself. Part of her just wished she believed it.

Atton raised an eyebrow and smiled at her, one of his rare and true smiles. "What about 'I love you', eh?" Meetra shook her head.

She had… deep feelings for him, and they had a strong emotional bond. Atton's lust for her was intense, but it was not love. Yet. Meetra, in her time shortly after Malachor, had tried to lose herself, and in the process, experienced… indignities of the sort, and had no experience with love, but she knew that if she ever found it she would want it to be born from friendship and not lust. But with Atton, both his care for her and lust for her were spiraling out of control at the same time, like they were having a race, and it overwhelmed her and made it so that Meetra just wasn't ready for that kind of bond. "Not ready," she murmured, and wondered if she ever would be.

Atton nodded and shifted away from her, and the hand that was still clutching her shoulder dropped. But his smile never wavered. "Maybe one day, though, when we've finished this blasted journey."

Meetra was cold when he pulled away, and inched back to him, and felt his arm wrap around her protectively. She leaned her head against his, feeling pitiful but so safe for once. This was Atton, the cocky pilot and pazaak-loving smuggler who was known for having a thing for her. But as they sat against the rock under the night sky, she felt that he was not just that. He was so real. So much more.

"Maybe," she breathed, gazing up at the ringed planet.

Fin

Well. If you're here, then I assume you finished the story! Thanks so much for that :) Anyway, I've been working on this for a while, adding parts to it whenever I felt inspired. I've been enjoying the KotOR fandom for a long time, but this is only the second story for it that I've posted on here. I'm also a sucker for anything Atton/Exile, and so I had to write this. I used the Exile's canon name which is Meetra Surik. Some people don't like the name but I feel more comfortable writing it.

I also wanted to make the story have a purpose instead of just being fluff, so I hope I accomplished that. Apologies to anyone who was expecting a kiss or two- I wanted it as much as you did! Hope you enjoyed the story. If you liked this, please review and I might end up writing some more about my favorite couple. Thanks everyone for reading and have a wonderful day!

-ReunitedLight